Authors Note: We will probably never know the real reason Dianna Argon wasn't in the "Quarterback" episode, but this is my head cannon for "Quinn" not being there. It might be a little controversial, and it may have some triggers because of mentions of Finn's death, so heed the warnings. That being said, I don't own Glee or any of these characters.
Quinn was calm as she pulled into the McKinley High parking lot. It was a Saturday, so the parking lot was empty. The old and new New Directions were meeting later that day to finally say goodbye to the choir room and Glee club, one last time. But first, Quinn had unfinished business. She took one last deep breath and pulled the keys from the ignition. It was a short walk around the school and across the football field, and then she was there.
The tree was bigger than she expected. The plaque on the ground was almost invisible; covered by dirt and leaves that blew in the early summer wind. Quinn crouched down, and with one sweep of her hand, uncovered the name and dates that had changed the lives of so many. Her chin quivered and her eyes glossed over as it hit her again. Finn was gone. Quinn lowered herself to the ground and crossed her legs as she remembered the day she got the call.
She had just finished here sociology final and smiled as she packed up her things to leave. She felt good about the test and her grades as a whole. Quinn was pretty sure she was going to finish the quarter with an A average, and be named to the Deans list for the third quarter in a row. Over all, she was very proud of herself. She had just exited the building and turned toward the student center, when her phone started to buzz in her pocket.
She dodged student's hurrying to their finals as she pulled out her phone. She was pretty sure it was going to be her roommate Darcy. She had the habit of calling Quinn between classes and asking her to bring something home. She rolled her eyes as she unlocked her phone; and then stopped short. It was a text from Santana.
From Santana: Don't know if your in class or not, but you need to call me. ASAP.
Quinn hadn't heard from Santana since their drunken hook up at 's non wedding.
From Quinn: Just got out of my last final. I think I aced it! Whats up?
While she waited for a reply Quinn continued walking to the student center, and then stopped at the on-campus coffee shop. After picking up her order, she made her way into the student lounge area to find her favorite plush chair. It was just after noon so the lounge was almost empty. She had just settled in her chair when her phone rang. It was Santana.
"Hello, Santana. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Quinn laughed.
Santana didn't laugh. She didn't laugh or joke or make sexual innuendo's like she normally would have. When she finally answered, it was only a whisper.
"Quinn," Santana whispered, "something's happened," She said, her voice cracking.
Immediately Quinn was on red alert. Santana didn't do feelings. She lashed out with her vicious words if something hurt her. But she most certainly didn't cry. This was bad. Really bad.
"What's wrong?" Quinn demanded, "What happened?"
Santana didn't answer right away, and Quinn could hear shuffling through the phone. A voice, maybe Kurt's, could be heard in the background. He was saying something about flights, and Lima and Rachel.
"...Yes...I already called Mike and Mercedes. I'm on the phone with Quinn right now..."
Santana continued talking to Kurt, and Quinn was getting more and more confused.
"...Mike said he would head back tonight and Mercedes said she has to take her last final tomorrow, and then she will head back..."
"Santana, will you tell me what the hell is going on?" Quinn, demanded.
"Yes..I-I'm sorry, Quinn. It's just a little crazy here at the moment." Santana's voice wavered again.
"What is going on? Your scaring me."
"I'm sorry to have to say this Quinn, but Puck went to Finn's dorm room this morning and found him dead."
The wail of shock and pain that left Quinn's mouth, made the few student's that were in the student center, jump in their seats. The coffee in her hand, crashed to the floor. The phone slipped from her hand as she covered her face. Sobs shook her body. Three years of memories seemed to flash in an instant. Letterman jackets, cheerio uniforms, singing, dancing, fights, competitions, trophy's.
The hours that fallowed were a blur. Somehow she made it back to her apartment where her roommate took one look at her, and pushed her boyfriend out the door and then fallowed Quinn to her bedroom. It took a while to get out that her Ex-boyfriend had died, and even though her roommate couldn't possibly know how close the whole glee club was, she still sat with Quinn as she broke down. Quinn was able to talk to Santana again, once she calmed down. Kurt was devastated, as were his dad and Finn's mom. Santana was trying to stay calm for Kurt and Rachel, who after hearing the news, had gone mostly Catatonic. Her fathers were due there within a few hours.
Quinn stayed up the whole night crying; watching as Finn's Facebook page filled up with condolences from his friends at collage, and all the old and current New Directions. Quinn couldn't seem to make herself share her memories of Finn. The general consensus was that they all needed to stay strong for Rachel. They were right. Rachel was the one person who meant everything to Finn, and that never changed, even after they broke up. Rachel and Finn were supposed to make it. That didn't change the fact that Finn and Quinn shared a past. They had been in love at one time. That is the reason, in and of itself, that Quinn couldn't and wouldn't attend the funeral.
Quinn used school as the excuse for not going home. She needed to stay on campus and get things lined up for next quarter. She needed to find a new roommate, as her current one was moving in with her boyfriend. Santana called her a selfish bitch and hung up her; Quinn didn't fight back. She knew it was selfish, but it was how she felt.
"Hey, punkin."
Quinn startled out of the memory, and looked up to see Coach Beiste standing beside her.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare ya," she smiled, as she sat down beside Quinn on the ground.
"Hey, coach. What are you doing here on a Saturday?"
She took a deep breath and ran her fingers over the plaque on the ground.
"I promised Puck that I would take care of the tree. So I've been watering it every Saturday."
Quinn smiled and nodded, and suddenly her chest constricted and a sob shook her frame. The breath caught in her throat and she couldn't breathe, as she tried to suppress the tears. Her face crumbled as she dropped her face into her hands.
"Hey, Hey...It's alright," the older woman said, scooting over to wrap her arm around Quinn's small frame. "It's alright to lose it once in a while," she said sliding a comforting hand up and down Quinn's back. "Sometimes when life gets hard and I need a good cry, I'll come out here to this tree. Because even though I miss him, I will always remember that goofy crooked smile he wore, and I can't help but smile."
Quinn managed a small laugh, as she sniffed and cleared her throat.
"I feel so selfish," Quinn said, her voice cracking. "I should have been here for the funeral."
The coach, hummed.
"We all have our own ways of grieving. Finn would understand if it was too hard for you to come back."
"What if...what if that wasn't the reason I didn't come back?" Quinn said, turning to face the older woman again; tears clouding her vision as contemplated sharing the real reason.
"Well, what is the real reason?" She asked, generally curious. Quinn breathed deeply and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, before opening them again. She hadn't said these words to anyone but her old roommate.
"The funeral and memorial were about saying goodbye to Finn," Quinn started, "But they were also about being there for Rachel. Rachel lost the love of her life, and she is devastated, as she should be. She and Finn were going to make it. Maybe not right now, but I have no doubt that they would have ended up married, with a whole gaggle of little Rachel's running around. They loved each other deeply.
"But, I think everyone forgets that Finn was my first love too. He was the first guy to love me and genuinely care about me. I wonder a lot what would have happened if Finn had been Beth's father. Would we still be together? Would we have given her up for adoption?"
The football coach looked down, thinking over the words that Quinn had just said.
"You can say it. It's selfish right? What right do I have to come back here and contemplate the life I could have had?"
"I don't think it's selfish at all," the coach said, "We all have regrets, honey. You can't beat yourself up for having those feelings."
"Maybe," Quinn replied, "I just couldn't come back and be around everyone sharing memories of Finn, and have to keep my memories back, because it would have been disrespectful to Rachel. My best memories of Finn are when we were together. The way he would hold me so gently because he was so big, and he thought he would hurt me. I loved that stupid little smile he would have, as he took my hand in the hallway. Those are my memories, and even though we didn't end up together, it doesn't make those memories any less real."
"You're right," she agreed, "Nobody can ever take those memories away from you. And, for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. As much as I love all you glee kids, they can be a little judgmental. And, if you're anything like me, it's easier to grieve alone. It makes those memories even more special, because their yours."
Quinn lowered her head, feeling a little better.
"Finn knows that you care. It doesn't matter if your sitting by this tree, or in front of a stone with his name on it or a classroom at Stanford, because you carry those memories with you."
"Thanks, coach." Quinn exhaled, as she stood to her feet. It was getting late and the rest of the glee club would be arriving soon.
"And if you ever do want someone to talk to about those memories, I'm here every Saturday and I'm a pretty good listener."
Quinn nodded as she slowly backed away. "Bye, coach. Thanks for listening."
By the time she made it back to the parking lot, Rachel and Kurt were stepping out of a gray Prius; driven by Blaine. Quinn pasted on a smile and accepted hugs from her friends.
End Note: Let me know what you think? Love it? Hate it?