Disclaimer - not mine, not making money. Gah.
A/N: Sorry for the horrible title, I've spent weeks trying to come up with a better one but my muse has kindly informed that she isnt responible for those kinds of things.
Calamari Poisoning Chapter 1
Fuck. Shit. Motherfucking god dammit all to hell. This is NOT how today was supposed to happen. Right now I'm supposed to be in the tub surrounded by pretty bubbles and scented candles, exfoliating and shaving to within an inch of my life before spending a good couple of hours teasing and curling my hair to perfection then applying enough makeup to fill an entire Macy's counter to achieve that 'au natural' look. But noooo that would mean things would have to go according to plan. And believe me; nothing goes to plan when Stephanie Plum becomes involved. Sigh.
Six months ago today Ranger and I finally removed our heads from our asses long enough to admit that we are both crazily, stupidly and utterly hopelessly in love with each other. Allegedly the collective sighs of relief and mutterings of "thank fuck for that" could be heard all the way to Cape May.
We'd decided that since neither of us have a particularly good track record with relationships we would take it one day at a time and promise each other nothing more than unconditional love and support. As strange as this sounded to everyone except the Merry Men and, oddly enough, my father, it worked rather well for us. In actual fact not a whole lot has changed except that we now have two of all the essentials like toothbrushes, shampoos, shower gels etc (okay, so actually there's only two bottles of Bulgari between us – I can be open about my obsession now. Sue me) that we keep in each other's apartments. Half of my clothes are in his closet and vice versa. Most nights we sleep together unless Ranger's out of town or in the wind; during the latter I almost invariably spend the nights in his apartment, wearing only his silk boxers to bed and all the while praying for the best, expecting the worst but NEVER breaking down. There are tears, sure. Lots of them. But only ever when I'm alone and never to the point of wallowing in self pity. This is Ranger's life and in order to be a part of it I have to be able to handle his disappearances.
The only other change really is the level of intimacy we share, both behind closed doors and in public believe it or not. Our stolen kisses are no longer stolen, we hold hands and embrace in public and of course the sex... well that's just phenomenal. Although to be perfectly honest 'sex' just doesn't seem like a strong enough word to describe it. Hell even 'making love' falls short. Every single time, regardless of pace, tenderness or raw animal desire – whether Ranger takes me over his desk in a lust filled haze or we spend hours in bed gently rocking against each other with lingering kisses and lazy caresses. The intensity of the emotions, of the love, of the undeniable connection is borderline overwhelming.
Yeah, the sex is good.
So okay, actually a whole lot has changed between us. But yet at the same time everything has remained the same. I still get into trouble with my skips and Ranger still comes to my rescue. I still amuse him and he still maintains his infuriatingly annoying Zen status when he's driving. Unless we're on a date. Then he holds my hand on his thigh and we quietly chat about everything and nothing. Who knew Batman could chat?
Basically life is as perfect as it's ever been for me. Or at least it was until I began blowing chunks in the morning.
At first I blamed it on seafood – the night before Ranger had taken me to a Japanese steak house for dinner where, after much cajoling on his part, he convinced me to try the calamari on his seafood platter. I was surprised to find I liked it, even if it was strangely rubbery. So naturally the next morning when I bowed to the porcelain gods and noticed the undigested squid tentacles I assumed it just hadn't agreed with my stomach. The morning after that it happened again but I immediately felt better so I passed it off as my body flushing the remains of the offending dish from my system. Ha.
Except here I am for the fifth morning in a row on my knees, heaving last night's dinner into the toilet bowl and the only coherent though in my mind is "thank fuck Ranger isn't here". He left for Georgia three days ago to oversee the final stages of the takeover of Rangeman Atlanta. So it was just as well I had decided to stay behind to catch the skip I'd been tracing for weeks. Cause I'm pretty sure Ranger would have come to the same conclusion as me – this ain't no calamari poisoning.
Fuck. What the hell am I going to do? Ranger will be home in a few hours to spend the day doing god knows what, but he's planned something and he's actually visibly excited about it, whatever it is. And I have to get through an entire day not only not telling him about his potential bun in my oven but also acting completely normal. Yeah, no way in hell am I telling him today for two reasons: 1) this is our first anniversary of any kind and I'll be damned if I'm going to ruin it by dropping a bomb that could cause tension, arguments and/or a difference of opinion. And 2) there is no point in telling him until I am completely sure I'm pre... preg... with child. He'd only freak out needlessly. And I don't even know if my period's actually late yet. Okay, quick calendar check... Fuck. Fucking hell it's seven days late. Seven days! How the hell had I not noticed it before now?
Okay Steph, c'mon, calm down. A late period and sickness does not a baby make. It just... indicates it. Crap. Okay. Okay, that's fine. I'm still not telling him though. Only a test will convince me that I definitely am pregnant and that's just not an option at the moment. Despite having been rudely awoken at the crack of dawn my treacherous stomach I now had just over three hours until Ranger returned from the airport, what with all the throwing up, pacing and lip chewing I was doing.
There is just no way I can buy a pregnancy test anywhere in Trenton or my mother could be calling me to find out if it's true that I would be fulfilling her life's dream for me to provide her with grandchildren before I'd even left the store. And there's nowhere near enough time for me to get to Willingboro and back before Ranger gets here.
Shit.
Okay, okay, no big deal. I'll just do it tomorrow. No worries. And see, there, I feel better already now that I've made some kind of decision regarding the situation. Now all I have to do is get ready and make it through the rest of the day without giving myself away. Come on denial, don't fail me now.
Three hours later I was happy as a clam, groomed to perfection in a denim skirt that actually makes my ass look amazing if I do say so myself, white cork wedge sandals, a pretty aqua gypsy top sans sleeves and 100 per cent not pregnant. I'd just finished transferring the essentials to my tan purse when the locks to my front door tumbled open and my nipples contracted.
Ranger was home.
With a last glance in the mirror in an attempt to remain calm and keep the shit-eating grin off my face I stepped out of my bedroom into the foyer where Ranger was leaning against my front door, arms folded across his chest and one ankle resting on the other. He was dressed in a fitted cream shirt with the top three buttons open and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows displaying a healthy dose of his delicious mocha latte skin. On the bottom he wore the most perfect fitting jeans known to mankind that hinted loudly at the size of his ahem 'package' without giving too much away. I could have quite happily spent the day standing there staring at him but he'd gone to the trouble to make plans so instead I mirrored his stance on the wall opposite him and watched as the corners of his lips turned up into his almost smile. I was amusing him.
"Mr Manoso", I purred in the huskiest voice I could muster. Desire flashed through his eyes and the wolf grin appeared.
"Ms Plum", he replied.
I pushed myself off the wall and stalked over to him, never taking my eyes from his. I stopped millimetres away from being pressed up against his chest and wrapped my arms around his neck pulling his head down slightly to my level.
"Welcome home Carlos", I murmured against his lips then pulled him into a brutally demanding kiss. His tongue battled mine, neither of us willing to submit to the other when he grabbed my hips and ground his hardening crotch against my own. For a split second my body turned to mush at the sensations coursing through my body and I quickly recovered, but it was all Ranger needed to take control, lifting me off the ground and turning to pin me against the wall. My legs automatically wrapped around his waist and he groaned into my mouth.
"God I missed you babe." I pulled him tighter, digging my fingers into his shoulders and a moan escaped my throat, hopefully letting him know how much I'd missed him too. We'd just settled into a slow, steady pace when there was a soft but clear "ahem" from behind Ranger.