Note: I do not own House, its characters, or the song "Why?" But if I did, oh boy the things I would do. evil laugh

I know I'd never let you walk away.

He's an idiot. A self-sacrificing idiot. He can't see that I was protecting him. He doesn't get it. I wouldn't mind except, every time I push him, I'm afraid it will be the last time. The time when he finally walks away. I can't let that happen but I can't stop myself either.

I've managed to pull him back so far. I never let him get too far. It normally doesn't take much. Just an apology and not even a great, epic one. A simple 'I'm sorry' and he comes right back to me. I can only conclude that he doesn't want to leave me. Of course he doesn't but maybe sometimes he can't help himself either.

We haven't really fought in a while. Things have been good with us. But then Non Cancer Patient had to show up. And of course Wilson felt guilty, he was actually gonna pay the guy the $6000. What an idiot.

I did what I had to. He of all people should understand that. He does what he thinks is best for me behind my back all the time. We wound up yelling anyway.

So why do I push you till you break?

I can remember all the times I've pushed him. Usually he just fights harder. I really thought it was over after Tritter. He actually left me lying on my floor, covered in vomit, on Christmas Eve. He actually walked away from me. He had a look on his face that I had never seen before and then he was gone. I thought it was the end.

It was awkward after that. It was like walking on eggshells anytime we were around each other. But he was still there. Not only is he an idiot, he's a stubborn idiot.

Maybe he was right when he said I needed to prove that every relationship is conditional. Maybe he's right about a lot of things.

It was getting closer and closer to Christmas. The night after our fight I went out and got him a Christmas gift. I don't really know why. We didn't usually do gifts. Maybe it was because, once again, I was afraid I pushed too hard. I wasn't even trying to push him this time. I just wanted him to realize that he can't feel so responsible for everyone.

It'll eat him up inside. It'll wear him down. It'll kill him. Anyway, I wound up getting him a replacement DVD of a film that I still had captive at my place. Why get him new stuff, when I can just replace the old? It was hidden in my desk. I knew it would be safe there. Unlike me, Wilson doesn't go snooping around in his best friend's desk.

Why are you always on the verge of goodbye, before I show you how I really feel inside?

It's always at the last second that I try and take it back and make it right. It's always just as the last card is about to fall. Just as the last thread is about to snap. That's the only thing that can get me panicked enough to go after him and get him back.

I know it shouldn't be like this for him. He shouldn't have to go through so much hell just to get a little reassurance that I do need him in my life. He shouldn't have to but he does.

You don't know what you have until it's gone. Well, luckily I realize what I have just before it leaves, just before he leaves. Every time he storms out of the apartment or my office, or sometimes his office, exasperated beyond belief with me, I feel the fear start to settle in.

So I try to do things like offer him apologies, or let him stay with me when a wife throws him out, or let his dog stay with me, or buy him Christmas presents.

It was Christmas Eve, he was still in his office, I knew he was. I kept thinking I should just ask him to come over but the fear of rejection had kept me confined to my office all day.

Why does it always have to come down to you leaving before I say I love you?

I remember telling him I loved him only once in all the time we've known each other. Right after I stuck that knife in a wall socket. It really wasn't that long ago. I knew that I had scared him, that was evident in his voice and the look in his eyes.

Then he offered me drugs. He offered me drugs. I didn't have to ask or drop any hints, he just gave them to me.

I definitely hurt him and at the moment all I could do to try and make it better was say 'I love you' and I did. Scratch that, I do love him. He seemed to barely even register it. But he was still there. He's always there and if I have to admit that I care about him every once in a blue moon, in order to keep him here, then so be it.

I sighed and opened my desk to take out the DVD, I didn't bother wrapping it. It was still in its plastic bag from the store. I also left the price on, just to let him know that I think he's a $39.99 kind of guy. I wonder how close that comes to making us even on money.

Of course I did save him $6000, no matter what he thinks. I tapped the case for a while. Then I figured I bought the stupid thing, I might as well go give it to him. I stood up.

Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest when I know how much it hurts you?

I've said things to him in the past, things that I'd rather not think about again, but after a fight with Wilson, I can remember each one of them with perfect clarity. I hate that.

I moved slower than usual to get to his office. I kept telling myself that it wasn't because I was nervous.

I finally got to his door. I opened it as gently as I possibly could. The room was dimly lit. Only his lamp was on. He wasn't sitting at his desk. I scanned the room. He was sleeping on his couch. He needed sleep, I knew that. The lines of exhaustion in his face were lessening.

I just stood there for a moment, watching him sleep. For a moment I was reminded of when he lived with me. I missed that, but I would never tell him that. I would never ask him to move back in with me.

Finally, I placed the DVD on his desk and headed back towards the door. Right before I left, I took one last look at him.

"Merry Christmas Wilson."

Oh, baby why do I do that to you?

Author's Note: I think that this song is the perfect H/W song from House's POV and I just had to use it in a fic. I am really nervous about writing this all from House's POV, it's a very fine line to walk with him and I really tried not to make him too sappy but I think I failed. Oh, well. R&R please. Thanx buds.