The Difference between Suicide and Martyrdom is Press Coverage
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto nor do I own Panic! At the Disco's most awesomely awesome songs.
A/N: So I was thinking…why not a crack fic? I've never been very good at them, but I've been inspired by the author Novelist Pup, who is beyond a doubt my very favorite author at the moment on the site! So…here you have it.
Summary: A blond. A brunet. An encounter in the forest. Dear god, the horrors that await them.
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Deidara was a man.
A big, strong, hunk of MAN.
Okay, so he was a little feminine. But come on, I mean, ponytails were all the rage! Fishnet was in! Nail polish was the norm! Nothing could possibly confuse someone into thinking that under that beautiful cloud-covered cloak lay breasts and a uterus.
Everyone who'd ever assumed something like that to his face had suddenly found themselves short of a head.
Exploding art was the shit.
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Sai was gay. He was so flamingly gay that it was funny. Naruto failed to see the humor in it, but then, Naruto also failed to see that Sasuke does not want to be rescued.
It wasn't that Sai didn't like women. It was just that the word vagina made him choke on air and laugh so hard that he was in danger of bursting a lung. Because…you know. Vagina.
Quit staring at me!
Sai was on a mission. A very boring mission thus far: he was patrolling the forest lands surrounding his village, making sure that they were…well…safe, or some such shit.
Then…he saw him.
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The blond stared at the brunet. The brunet stared at the blond. And while this staring match was going on, Temari pulled a muscle as she attempted to get into a particularly tricky yoga position. What does that have to do with Deidara and Sai, you ask?
Not a whole lot.
The point is, staring takes a lot out a guy. Guys. Men. Boys? Males. That one, let's go with that one. Right, so it takes a lot out of males (and females too, but that's another topic entirely) and Sai broke the rules and blinked.
"HAH! I WIN, UN!"
"We were playing something?" Sai asked, frowning. The ex-Rock Village ninja scratched his head. "No…I just had a sudden urge to yell that, un."
The artist surveyed his fellow artist with an offended eye. "Are you a guy or a girl?"
"A male," a voice from heaven whined.
"What the voice from heaven said," Deidara nodded, "Un."
"Would you like to share lunch with me?" Sai asked, choosing to overlook the craziness.
"I'm all set, un," Deidara said, patting a small pouch, "Cucumber sandwiches!"
"I've got chicken."
"But screw that shit, gimme chicken, un!"
There's something you should know about Sai here. He can't cook. At all. He couldn't roast a duck if it was on fire. He'd burn a salad. He didn't know pepper from cinnamon and sugar from salt. Ask him to make a sandwich and he'd serve you an explosion of mayonnaise and turkey with a few bread crumbs scattered between the meat. So when Sai said he had chicken, what he really had was a hunk of raw-on-one-side, burnt-on-the-other meat that smelled like Naruto's feet when he didn't bathe for a few weeks.
"Cucumber sandwich?" Deidara offered. The younger boy accepted it with a smile. "Thank you."
All of a sudden, a thousand chipmunks popped up around them. Deidara froze. "What the hell, un?!"
"Squeak, squeak, squeakity squeaker!"
"Don't worry," Sai said lazily, "I speak chipmunk. It's an elective in ANBU school. Squeak squeaken, squeak's squeaky?"
"SQUEAK!!"
"What're they saying, un?" the blond asked nervously. The art ninja blinked. "Apparently, cucumbers are illegal in this part of the forest. They have been ever since the Peanut Butter and Jelly Fiasco of '32. Also, my chipmunk is a little musty, so I accidentally called the big one over there a tree fucking manwhore. So…they're out for our blood."
"They don't look very dangerous," Deidara noted. Every chipmunk present bared its teeth and pulled out a bazooka from an unmentionable place on its person.
"Now they do, un. Care to join me in fleeing for our lives?"
"Why yes, I do," Sai said politely.
"SQUEAKER SQUEAKY SQUEAK!!"
Several minutes and the tragic demise of a young chipmunk later, our two heroes found themselves surrounded in a generic forest clearing by a hoard of small angry mammals.
"Maybe we can negotiate," suggested Sai.
"With what, un!?"
"That…is
an excellent question."
"Hey," Deidara exclaimed, "How
about I just blow them up, un?"
"Feel free to blow away," Sai chuckled.
"C2! Katsu!" Deidara bellowed, and blew up the entire population of extremely rare bazooka carrying, teeth baring, cucumber fearing species of chipmunk.
"Excellent," Sai smiled, "Excellent."
"Now what, un?"
"Now…we finish our lunch!"
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"…so then I told him, 'Danna, you're an idiot, art is fucking fleeting' and he was like, 'Nuh-uh, bitch!' and that made me all mad, because I'm like, nobody's bitch, and so I told him I'd katsu the shit outta his head, and he told me it was a puppet's head, except it had a brain and crap so I was like, 'wow, what are you, like…a puppet?' and he was like 'yeah, basically,' so I was like, 'WOW'."
"I like penis jokes," Sai commented.
"I like bombs, un."
"You know what? This could be start of a beautiful acquaintanceship," the brunet said somberly.
"I don't know about that, but I think we're gonna be hella tight, un!"
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All good things must come to an end. Life, sex, the Kit-Kat I'm eating right now…and, of course, the day.
"I think I gotta head back to the HQ," Deidara said apologetically, "Call me, h'mm?"
"Sure thing," Sai said, "Watch out for any squirrels, and don't talk to strangers!"
"Right, got it!"
Sai returned to his village, and Naruto bonked him on the head. "Where've you been, asshole?!"
"I was fraternizing with the enemy," Sai said in a bored way.
"You…what?"
"He was hanging out with the bad guys," Sakura translated.
"WHAT!? WHY!? No fucking way, this is what Sasuke did too, and he's gone, and if you leave too, then it'll be way too boring!" Naruto complained.
The gay artist raised an eyebrow at him. "I won't leave."
"Oh. That's okay, then."
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"Where has sempai been?" Tobi whined, "Tobi has been a very good boy, waiting for sempai to come pick Tobi up, but sempai never showed up so Tobi had sex with Kisame-sempai to pass the time and now Tobi's butt hurts!"
"Tobi, guess what, un?"
"What?"
"I don't give a fuck."
"SEMPAI MADE A SWEAR SEMPAI MADE A SWEAR OOOOOO LEADER-SAMA SEMPAI—URGH!" the little orange-masked ball of insanity ran into a wall and fell down.
"You okay, Tobi?" the blond asked.
"Hello my good man, how are you today?" the black haired man said in an ultra cultured English accent, "Is there any tea on this spaceship?"
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Note to Readers: No, my titles don't tend to tie into the story much. Yes, it was an abrupt ending. Because crack fiction is really fucking hard for me to write.
Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen/ oh we're still so young, desperate for attention/ I aim to be your eyes/ trophy boys trophy wives! I love that song!