Louis had to make sure everything was perfect. He was inviting his boss, Mr. Kidswatter, over for lunch. He was in a bit of a tangle, because he wasn't quite adhering to rules specifically stated in the handbook for the Professional Organization of Playground Supervisors, or POOPS for short. The blacktop was more gray than anything, the balls were rarely properly inflated, and he was way too lenient about letting kids run across the grass.
Louis's job was to make sure the kids did not have too much fun during lunch and recess, but he wasn't very good at it. The students loved Louis's loose tendencies, and even though Mr. Kidswatter appreciated his efforts, Louis could tell Mr. Kidswatter might've been seeking a replacement.
Louis heard a ring at the doorbell. It was Mr. Kidswatter.
"Well, Louis, I made it. Despite your directions," said Mr. Kidswatter.
"Ah, Principal Kidswatter, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!" responded Louis.
"Nyeh," Mr. Kidswatter said. He took a seat, while Louis walked into the kitchen. He was preparing a delicious roast for Mr. Kidswatter, only one of the most delectable sort, but when he looked into his oven, it was bellowing a large stream of smoke.
"Oh, ye gods!" Louis said. "My roast is ruined!" Louis thought for a moment to get a new idea, when he saw Wayside School out the window.
"But Miss Mush made hamburgers today," he said to himself, "What if I were to buy some of those and disguise it as my own cooking?" He laughed for a moment to himself. He thought it was a delightfully devilish idea. He opened his window and prepared to walk outside, when suddenly, Mr. Kidswatter burst through the door.
"LOUIS!" Mr. Kidswatter exclaimed.
"Mr. Kidswatter! I was just… stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise, care to join me?" said Louis.
"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Louis?" Mr. Kidswatter asked.
"Oh, that isn't smoke. It's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmmm! Steamed clams!" Louis explained.
Mr. Kidswatter knew something fishy was going on, but he didn't want to comment on it. He just walked out the door, and sat back down. He knew for a fact at this point it would indeed be an unforgettable luncheon.
Louis was relieved that Mr. Kidswatter left so soon. He jumped out the window, sprinted to Wayside School, and got a couple hamburgers, before bringing them back to his place.
"Mr. Kidswatter, I hope you're prepared for mouth-watering hamburgers!" said Louis.
"I thought you said we were having steamed clams?" questioned Mr. Kidswatter.
"Oh, no, I said steamed hams!" Louis started. "That's what I call hamburgers!"
"You call hamburgers steamed hams?" asked Mr. Kidswatter.
"Yes!" Louis quickly replied. It's a regional dialect!"
"Mm-hm, and what region?" asked Mr. Kidswatter.
"Upstate New York," assured Louis.
"Really? Because I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams,'" questioned Kidswatter.
"No, not in Utica, no, it's an Albany expression!" explained Louis.
"I see," said Mr. Kidswatter.
The two continued to eat their steamed hams, when Mr. Kidswatter noticed something else fishy about his burger.
"You know, these burgers taste an awful lot like the ones Miss Mush serves in the cafeteria," Mr. Kidswatter said.
"No, patented Louisburgers! Old family recipe!" Louis said.
"For steamed hams," noted Kidswatter.
"Yes!" Louis responded.
"Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled."
Louis had the feeling Mr. Kidswatter was on to him. He didn't know what to do. He tried to start a new conversation, but had no idea what to say. "Excuse me for one second," Louis said. He dismissed himself from the room and into the burning kitchen for a few seconds, but it was too hot in there, so he quickly emerged.
"Ahhh! That was wonderful! Good times were had by all, I'm pooped!" Louis said.
"Yes, I should be goin- GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!" shouted Kidswatter. He was fixated on the burning room. Louis had to come up with a response and fast.
Whatever is on your mind, just blurt it out, thought Louis.
"Aurora borealis?" Louis said.
"A- AURORA BOREALIS."
"AT THIS TIME OF YEAR."
"AT THIS TIME OF DAY."
"IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY."
"LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN."
"Yes!" responded Louis.
"May I see it?" asked Kidswatter.
"No," said Louis.
The two walked outside. Miss Nogard was upstairs, spending time at Louis's place, when she smelled burning building beneath. "Louis! The house is on fire!" she shouted.
"No, Wendy, it's just the northern lights," Louis said.
"Well, Louis, you are an odd fellow, but I must say, you steam a good ham," Kidswatter said. He turned around and prepared to leave, when he heard Miss Nogard screaming for help. He looked back at the house, but Louis just gave him a thumbs up, and soon, Mr. Kidswatter walked away.