Mikau: Hello there! Thanks so much for taking a look. Recently I was given the book "The Five Love Languages" to read, and it was really interesting. It's about how people express love and feel loved in different ways. Some people express love by giving gifts or doing acts of service for their mates, but others may only feel loved when their partner compliments them, spends time with them, or physically touches them. Here's a story about marital struggles and reconciliation. I hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would stick Hakuba in DC more often. Not only does he make a fun addition to Hattori episodes, but he also could provide Conan with some comradery in Hei-chan's absence.
…
Quietly Starving
Kaito had left crumbs…again. Just left them there, hadn't bothered to clean them up because he knew how much it bothered Saguru. He'd been doing things like that all smegging month, and Hakuba had had enough.
He burst into the den where Kaito was curled up on the couch eating chips straight out of the bag and getting crumbs EVERYWHERE.
"You've been doing all this on purpose," Saguru accused.
Kaito looked up at Saguru with disinterest and then went back to watching whatever telenovela crap was on at six o'clock at night. The expression on Kaito's face read, "Oh. It's you. Boring." He kind of resembled a snooty cat.
This was the state of their marriage.
Five good years, and then suddenly, just lately, Kaito had changed. He'd become nagging and needy and clingy. Jealous and childish…more childish than was usual or endearing. He was doing little things to annoy Hakuba, messing with Saguru to get a rise out of him.
"Welcome home. I missed you too," Kaito sighed, stuffing another handful of chips into his mouth, letting the crumbs spill onto the carpet.
"Are you going to clean that up?" Saguru demanded from the doorway, hands on his hips.
Kaito repositioned himself. "Clean what now?" he replied lethargically.
"Have you done anything today? Anything at all?" Saguru griped, frankly pissed at this point. Kaito was blatantly antagonizing him.
"Mostly just watched TV," Kaito drawled lazily, stretching out and then sitting up. "I did happen to buy some new lingerie, though." Kaito smirked conspiratorially. If he were a cat, his tail would have been twitching mischievously. "Wanna see? I could go put it on for you," Kaito baited.
"No. And you'll be taking it back. How much of my hard-earned money did you spend on that garbage anyway? Honestly, Kaito, you're so wasteful!" Saguru scolded. Sometimes he felt more like Kaito's parent than his husband.
Kaito sighed, looking put out as he curled back up on the couch.
"You're going to get fat if you just laze about like that all day. Why don't you go find a new job?" Hakuba suggested, thinking he was being helpful. Truthfully, he'd had enough of Kaito's slovenly behavior. He knew that it wasn't Kaito's fault that the whole magic career wasn't as steady as either of them would have hoped but… "Maybe it's time you stopped fooling around and got a real job, Kaito. There are plenty of other things you could do," Saguru remarked casually, turning and heading into the kitchen.
Kaito turned off the TV but remained huddled up on the couch.
"You didn't happen to make dinner, did you?" Saguru called as he poked around in the fridge. "Remember? Like we agreed upon? No? I didn't think so." He rolled his eyes and grumbled under his breath in irritation as he pulled one of the frozen dinners he'd bought out of the freezer.
Kaito pried himself up off of the couch and came to lean in the doorway. "I haven't eaten either. I thought that maybe we could go out to eat dinner," he explained softly. "It's been a while since we went out and had a nice dinner together, so I was thinking that maybe…there's this new Thai place in Beika that I wanted to try out, so—"
"—Kaito, we don't have money for that," Saguru sighed in frustration. "Since one of us is unemployed, things have been a little tight financially. It'd be different if you could get a real job doing magic, Kaito, but those kids' birthday parties that you manage to get from time to time aren't paying the bills. I can't support your lavish lifestyle of going out to eat and throwing money away on trashy lingerie on my paycheck alone. If you would just get a regular job already, maybe those would be an option, but, as it stands, you're just stressing me out with your frivolous spending."
There was a beat wherein Kaito stared, stunned at his husband and Saguru sighed, looking away as he scratched his head.
Saguru took a deep breath and then let it out slowly, his tone softening until it was almost fond. "Look, Kaito. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so terse with you, but my job is very…demanding both physically and emotionally, and then after that, coming home to you and your sloth and your whining…is a little more than I can deal with. It's not that I don't care. I'm just…drained…. So I'm just going to heat up one of these ready-to-eat meals. Why don't you go back in the den and watch some more soap operas? Better yet, why don't you go for a jog or something? You've put on at least five pounds these past few months since your last real job."
With wide-eyed surprise, Kaito just nodded and shuffled off while he tried to find his voice.
Saguru heated up his meal and sat down at the little kitchen table to eat in peace and quiet. He was about halfway done when Kaito came in wearing…well…pretty much nothing.
Kaito slunk up to his husband and started massaging Saguru's shoulders, purring, "You're so tense. Rough day at work?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Saguru sighed. Two triple homicides and a hostage situation.
Kaito bit his lip. "Well, my day was pretty uneventful, but—"
"—I don't really feel like talking now, Kaito," Saguru clarified sternly.
Kaito instantly backed off, insulted by the sheer implication that his husband didn't care about what Kaito had to say.
With a pout, Kaito went over to the dish washer and started unloading it, banging the pots and pans around as he did.
Saguru frowned. "Sorry, could you perhaps keep it down a bit? I've got a headache."
"Sure," Kaito grumbled, quickly getting frustrated with his dense husband and his dying marriage.
Next he began to rearrange the food in the pantry, much to Saguru's chagrin.
"Kaito," Saguru growled in a warning tone, finally looking up and actually seeing his husband.
Saguru blinked, and the critical tone turned to one of confusion. "What are you wearing? Or, rather, why aren't you wearing clothes?"
Inwardly Kaito groaned, stomped his feet, and yelled, "I want you to have sex with me!"
Out loud he replied icily, "I got hot."
Saguru frowned. "All right then." And then he went back to his dinner.
And Kaito wanted to cry as he stood there and stared at the man at the table. He thought back to just a few years ago when they had sat there together, gazing longingly into each other's eyes as they chatted about their days. Saguru would gush over Kaito's cooking, and then they'd exchange stories, usually about how Shinichi had run off without backup again and it was only thanks to Saguru that the paramedics had arrived in time. They talked about the new tricks Kaito was working on and the way the crowd had oohed and aahed over him. They could hardly keep their hands off each other during the meal, and after dinner…or halfway through it…they'd always end up in bed…or on some other suitable surface.
And now Kaito was standing there, practically naked while Saguru ate a frozen dinner, more interested in the mediocre food than in his husband…who was starving, by the way, in more ways than one. Because yes Kaito new that he'd gained weight because he'd been binging on comfort foods like…well, anything chocolate or dessert-y and recently potato chips. Because he'd been so depressed about his failing career and the fact that his husband didn't love him anymore. So he'd taken to skipping meals, hoping to offset the enormous calorie intake whenever he did break down and binge. So he hadn't eaten anything today except that entire freaking bag of chips, but…
Kaito sat down across from Saguru and rested his elbows on the table, his chin in his hands. In a whisper-soft voice he asked, "If I lose the five pounds, will you love me again?"
Saguru stared at Kaito in absolute amazement. "Kaito…what? Whoever said that—"
"—You didn't need to say it," Kaito quietly interjected, hurt evident in his eyes and his voice. "But five pounds isn't much, you know. I've always been skinny. I'm still skinny, and I could lose the five pounds if it really makes me so repulsive to you."
"Kaito, I don't find you repulsive," Saguru argued incredulously. He had no idea where any of this was coming from.
"Then why are you cheating on me with that Shino guy?" Kaito inquired softly, all the fight long since taken out of his voice, taken out of him since three months ago when he realized he was never going to be a professional magician.
Saguru set down his chopsticks and rubbed his temples, taking a deep breath before answering. "I know you're not going to believe me when I deny it, since you've already got it into your head, but I'm going to deny it anyway. Kaito, I'm not cheating on you. I barely have time for you let alone a lover."
"I kind of noticed," Kaito grumbled. "Except that you spend all of your time with Shino. You're together at work all day, and then you go out drinking together. Even on the weekends you two meet up. Don't think I don't know what you're really doing when you say you have to go into the office."
Saguru really wanted to wad up a napkin and throw it at Kaito. This was absolutely ridiculous. The things Kaito dared accuse Saguru of when he had been working his butt off to provide for the lazy "magician"!
"First off, Inspector Shino is a woman," Saguru hissed.
"Great. A woman," Kaito sighed, burying his face in his hands. "You're cheating on me with a woman. What am I supposed to do about that? Have a sex change?"
"I am not interested in women," Hakuba clarified. "Furthermore, I am married to you. I kind of resent your attack on my character by even suggesting that I would have an affair. Just how little do you think of me? Shino-keibu and I were working. We work together so that I may support my unemployed spouse and his chocolate habit. I'll give you that going drinking with Shino-keibu and the other officers after work is not strictly required, but it is work-related. One advances in Japan by social contacts, Kaito, and if I am to rise through the ranks, I need to participate in these outings. You know how it works. I work hard every day on truly heinous crimes with cranky forensics teams and grieving witnesses and very little appreciation, all so that I can afford your Melty Kisses candy and your expensive high heels. And then I get to come home to you and your whining. While I'm working like a horse to support you, you're at home watching trash tele and stuffing your face. And yet you think I'm cheating on you? How insecure are you?" Saguru huffed, picking up his chopsticks and continuing his meal.
"It's because you don't act like you love me anymore," Kaito answered weakly, looking down at the grain of the wood in the table.
"I provide for you. What more do you want?" Saguru scoffed, once again feeling like all he had done for Kaito's sake was going unappreciated. He worked so hard, but it was never enough for Kaito. No matter what he did, it wasn't enough.
"You don't spend any time with me," Kaito whispered, finding the top of the table to be very interesting. He knew he was fighting a losing battle against Saguru. The detective wasn't going to get it. He couldn't understand. In his mind, he was a wonderful husband, but Kaito could only find him to be neglectful.
"I don't have time, Kaito. Today is a rare occasion. You know I never get off work before eight at night, and then I have to go to bed almost as soon as I get home so that I can be ready for the next day. I don't have time to give you. What do you want me to do?"
"Stop being such a workaholic," Kaito snorted. "I don't know. Quit your job."
"Oh? So we can both be unemployed bums? That will work fine for the first month or so, but what do we do once we've burned through our savings?"
Kaito closed his eyes and shook his head. "Okay, don't quit your job, but stop working so much. You don't have to work a double shift every day. Saguru, we're not poor. We don't need the money. We may not be as rich as your parents. We may not have as much money as you were accustomed to growing up, but…we have more than I ever did."
"You don't manage our finances," Saguru retorted, dismissively rolling his eyes.
With a sigh, Kaito stood, heading towards the bedroom to change into something decent since his attempts at seduction had failed miserably. "Forget it. Just forget it," Kaito mumbled dejectedly.
"Oh, don't you try to guilt trip me." Saguru rolled his eyes again. "Seriously, Kaito. You're so manipulative, always playing the 'pity me' card or 'oh you hurt my feelings. You better apologize.' You're always twisting my arm, trying to get me to give you your way. What do you even want, Kaito?"
"My husband back," Kaito thought, not bothering to say it, knowing it wouldn't do him any good. "My marriage. Your love."
Taking Kaito's silence as petulant pouting, Saguru snapped, "I can't take it anymore. That's it. You've been doing everything in your power to annoy me these past few weeks. This week has been particularly bad. What do you want from me Kaito? Why are you pushing me away like this? Are you trying to tell me something? Clearly all I do for you isn't enough, all my hard work, all of my sacrifices. You're obviously unhappy like this with me, so what do you want? Do you want a divorce, Kaito?"
Kaito stopped walking. He paused in the doorway and leaned against the frame. His heart screamed "NO!", but his head…he thought of all of the hurtful things that Saguru had been saying lately. He thought about how unhappy he was, what was missing from his life, their relationship. Could any of that be fixed? He wanted to try. He had been trying. Over the past three months their marriage had eroded, and Kaito had been trying to pick up the debris and piece it back together. He just hadn't been that successful. Saguru was still throwing himself into his work and ignoring Kaito…except when he felt like being critical.
As for their physical relationship…Saguru was either too tired from work or not interested. When was the last time that Saguru had even hugged him?
Their marriage was crumbling, and Saguru didn't show any interest in working together to make it better. All he wanted to do was criticize Kaito and complain about how hard he worked and how much he did for Kaito. Kaito was grateful, yes. Saguru was an excellent provider. Kaito never wanted for anything…except love, and wasn't that the most important thing?
It felt like all the love was gone. He'd had to stoop to childish behavior, things like leaving crumbs everywhere, to get Saguru's attention. He felt like a little kid again when he'd misbehaved just to get some kind of response from his mother. Because having her shout at him was better than the silence and neglect.
Finally Kaito replied with a sigh as soft and weak as a dying breath. "Yeah…. Why not? We're not acting like husband and wife, so what's the point in staying married?"
Kaito stepped into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. He packed the few things that were truly important to him in a small overnight bag and left while Saguru was in the shower.
…
Upon exiting the shower, feeling more levelheaded and ready to apologize and talk things out, Saguru was shocked to find Kaito gone.
He just stood there for a minute in their bedroom, staring at the empty nightstand where Sassy, Kaito's stuffed llama, had stood proudly for the last five years.
"K-Kaito?" Saguru called out, beginning to search the house for his mate. "Kaito? Where are you?! Kaito!"
When the hunt turned up fruitless, all Saguru could do was sink down into the couch and bury his face in his hands.
That was it then. Kaito had actually left him. Saguru had said the "d" word out of exhaustion and frustration, and Kaito had actually left him.
And it was then that Saguru realized that there was no point to anything unless he had Kaito. Why work hard to buy a nice house, a nice car? Why work his butt off so that he could afford expensive clothes, dinners out, and luxury vacations if he didn't have anyone to enjoy them with?
Why slave away, sixteen or more hours a day to make Kaito happy when slaving away for sixteen plus hours hadn't made Kaito happy?
So often people only realized the truly important things when it was too late, and now Saguru knew how it felt. He'd seen criminals experience it many a time: If only I had know x, I wouldn't have y. And now it was Saguru's turn.
Only…was it too late? Maybe Kaito would reconsider. Would he come back if Saguru begged? How about if Saguru quit his job? They could be bums together for a good month or two until they were out on the street…or back with one of their parents. It would be fun, though, wouldn't it? Just blowing money with Kaito, not a care in the world until the bills came.
But maybe that would be enough to get Kaito to come back.
It wouldn't hurt to try, so Saguru dashed to find his phone, practically pounced on it, and quickly fumbled to press Kaito's number.
There was no answer, so that left Saguru to leave a pleading voicemail. He had about thirty seconds of message in which to make his case. He had no idea what to say, but it ended up a little like this: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Any of it. I'll quit my job, and you can eat chips if you want. I won't complain anymore. I'll clean up the crumbs myself, so…please don't leave me. I really don't care about the five pounds. You're beautiful Kaito. You're absolutely amazing, and I love you so much, so—"
Saguru lowered the phone, setting it down on the end table with a sigh. "…So come home," he whispered.
As if it had heard his plea of desperation, Saguru's phone chirped to life.
Saguru nearly knocked over the table and the very expensive lamp on it (an anniversary gift from his mother…or rather his mother's designated gift-buying servant, but…).
"Kaito?!" he veritably yelped into the receiver.
"…is upstairs in my bed, rolling around, wailing, and getting snot on my comforter."
Saguru cleared his throat. "Shinichi." He wasn't sure if he were glad to hear from his partner or not. "Is he…is Kaito okay?"
"Depends on your definition," the other detective scoffed. Annoyance was clearly evident in his voice. It sounded like he was seriously thinking of devising some way to punch Hakuba out through the phone line. "Physically, he's fine. Emotionally…you broke him."
Before Saguru could say anything else, Shinichi continued, "I got your message, and that's the only reason why I'm calling you."
"Oh? Th-Thank you. Can I—"
"—Talk to Kaito? No. You talk to me." Shinichi's voice was cold and sharp like the blade of a katana. "You think you can treat him the way you do and then just say sorry and expect him to come back for more of the same? I don't think so. Your relationship is broken, Hakuba, and you need to fix it before I let Kaito come home to you."
Saguru paused, taken aback, but he really didn't have to think about it. "Okay," he readily submitted. "Okay. Anything. Just…Shinichi, how do I fix it when I don't even know what's wrong? I know Kaito is unhappy, but I don't understand why. Why should he be? I always make sure he's provided for, so—"
"—When has Kaito ever cared about money?" Shinichi challenged. "When has he cared about things? He grew up kind of on the poor side what with his dad gone and his mom off wasting away all of the money on her travels. Kaito's lived on enough or a little less than that his whole life, and he's been happy. What made you think that throwing money at him was the key to making him happy?"
Saguru was silent, somber as Shinichi's words sank in. After a minute of processing he started mentally panicking because, lately, money was the only thing he'd been giving his husband…and he hadn't even been generous with it. "Okay," he breathed. "I'll fix it. Tell me what's wrong, and I'll fix it."
"You're a poor detective when it comes to love, aren't you?" Shinichi sighed. "Not that I can blame you. I'm pretty much the same way, but…how can you ask me what's wrong? Do you really not see all the problems with your marriage? With Kaito?"
"…I don't," Saguru reluctantly admitted. "All I know is that things have gone rather downhill in the last…I don't know. Three months? It's just gotten bad lately, but… What's wrong with Kaito?"
Shinichi took a breath and then started reciting the list. "Well, he's depressed out of his mind, for one, and—"
"—What?" This was news to Hakuba…and yet…now he could see the signs clearly: the pouting and the sulking and the lethargy. The way Kaito's eyes didn't shine like they once had.
"He's depressed," Shinichi repeated. "About his failing career. He thinks that he's a failure, and he's taking it really hard with all of the 'I'm not as good as my father.', 'I'll never be like my father.' mental torture that he's so good at putting himself through, so… He's really suffering over that."
Saguru had known that Kaito was a little down about his career not taking off, a little discouraged, but…depressed? Depressed? Saguru hadn't noticed. How hadn't he noticed?
"And it's been really hard for him without your support. It really tears his heart out when you tell him that he needs to give up on his dream and get a real job. It really hurts him when you call him lazy and harp about having to support him when he's trying so hard, going out every day and giving free shows in the parks, trying to get jobs, get people interested in him."
"He does what?" Saguru was floored.
Shinichi shrugged. "He gives free shows every day in a couple of the local parks."
"I didn't know that." Why hadn't he known that?
Shinichi snorted. "What? Did you think he just sat at home on the couch all day? Kaito's been really working towards his dream, but…well…maybe he didn't talk about it with you because he hasn't been very successful. I bet he was afraid that if he told you about how hard he was working and still not getting any results, you would just tell him to give up already. It would only prove your point that he needed to get a quote, unquote real job."
Saguru's heart lurched. Oh God. He'd said that, hadn't he? Many times. He'd nagged and nagged Kaito about a "real" job several times a week while his poor little disheartened dove had been out there giving it his all. And Saguru had complained about Kaito's laziness, always demanding that Kaito pull his weight, do more. Saguru had not been sympathetic. He hadn't been supportive at all probably when Kaito needed him most. He'd been the harping, naysaying parent that Saguru had always resented and not the loving, reassuring spouse that Kaito needed.
And he hadn't known anything. All this time, in his own mind, Saguru had been the victim, the one being used. He was the one working ridiculous hours with surly people and violent, downright evil crimes all so that he could give Kaito what he deserved, and, in his mind, Kaito was ungrateful, lazy, and messy. He'd thought that Kaito was just eating the day away and spending Saguru's hard-earned money wastefully.
Saguru had had no idea. He hadn't seen Kaito's hidden pain. He hadn't heard his husband crying out for help and support. He hadn't seen how hard Kaito was trying…all on his own. Sure, Saguru had bought the house, the car, the food, the clothes, but…he hadn't been there for Kaito. He hadn't given his husband what he'd needed most. Saguru was an excellent provider, but he'd failed in all of his other husbandly duties.
But Shinichi was still talking, going on as Saguru had spaced out in utter horror as he realized what position he was in. He was a little astonished when he caught the tail end of Shinichi's rant: "…and called him fat!"
"What?" Saguru blinked.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You did it not two hours ago," Shinichi scoffed. "You always go on and on about how he's gaining weight. You've got him thinking that he's a whale because he's gained five pounds," he growled, obviously livid over the way his friend had been treated. "You have no idea how insecure he is about stuff like that."
"He…He never used to be," Saguru offered lamely.
"Well he is now," Shinichi retorted hotly. "Ever since you stopped sleeping with him. It's all been compounding. He's been depressed about his magic career, so he eats and gains weight. Then you stop making love to him, and he feels depressed, so he eats and gains more weight. He's been trying so hard to get control of his life lately, but he can't stop overeating when he gets down. He thinks you think he's ugly because of the stupid five freaking pounds so he's been trying to lose weight by starving himself, but as soon as he gets upset, he starts binging. Lately it's gotten to the point where he's borderline bulimic."
Saguru didn't say anything. He thought about defending himself, thought about explaining that he'd been too tired from work to sleep with Kaito. He knew that once they got started, he'd be up all night, and Saguru really needed the rest because his job was so exhausting, but...that didn't really seem to matter anymore when he thought about how alone and hurt and unloved Kaito must have felt.
"Is there anything else?" Saguru mumbled into the receiver, voice hollow.
Shinichi gave it a minute of thought. "…Well, the two times tonight when he tried to seduce you with the lingerie and the prancing around half-naked…when you just brushed him off, giving him the cold shoulder, that was particularly hurtful, but we already talked a little bit about the whole you not sleeping with him thing, so… I'm sure there's more, but…it'd probably be better if you two talked about everything instead of just learning about it through me. Kaito's the one better able to explain what he needs from you."
"I want to see my husband," Saguru whispered even as his voice cracked. "Can I…Can I come see him? Please?"
Shinichi sighed but then nodded. "Yeah. Come on over. Just be careful driving. Don't have an accident or anything on the way here. That'd only upset Kaito more."
"Right." Saguru stood, collecting himself and his thoughts. "Right…. Thank you, Shinichi. For looking out for him. For being such a good friend to him when I…when I've failed him so miserably lately."
Shinichi shrugged. "Well, I owe the guy a lot for all the times he's saved my bacon…and, believe it or not, I'm actually pretty fond of that giant pain in the you know where…. Seriously. Be careful driving."
"Will do," Saguru promised, hanging up and taking a moment to get his head on straight before he even dared to try to drive. Shinichi was absolutely right. Saguru had no business driving to see Kaito until he'd calmed down a little. He was far too emotional to be operating a motor vehicle.
And yet…he just couldn't wait. He needed to see Kaito NOW. So he ran to the train station and caught one of the cabs waiting there. Within fifteen minutes' time, he was standing on the porch of the Kudo abode, legs shaking because he didn't know what he was going to say to his spouse.
He had completely screwed things up, and now…was it too late? Would Kaito still want him back?
All of that soon faded from his mind, though, as he stepped inside. He barely waited for Shinichi to move to the side, out of the way to let him in before he was tearing up the stairs, shouting, "Kaito! Kaito?! Kaito!"
He burst into Shinichi's bedroom to find his husband a certifiable, snotty mess, all curled up in the covers.
"S-Saguru?" Kaito hiccupped. "What are you doing he—"
Saguru cut him off with a flying tackle, kissing every inch of him as he mumbled, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Kaito. I didn't mean it. Please don't leave me. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it. I'm such an idiot; I had no idea what you were going through, but now…I can't tell you how horrified I feel to know that it was all my fault, that I hadn't treated you right. All this time I've been thinking that it was enough to provide for you financially, but…I haven't been meeting your emotional needs at all, have I?"
"No," Kaito whispered, tears trailing down his cheeks. But there was a hint of a smile growing on his lips. "And I haven't been doing the best job ever either, so—"
"—But I'm the one that's completely failed you," Saguru snorted, wiping away Kaito's tears.
"…Do you still love me?" Kaito dared to ask.
"More than anything," Saguru whispered into his ear, planting a kiss there as he gently stroked Kaito's hair. "I just haven't been showing it in the right ways."
"It's not too late to start," Kaito replied optimistically.
"You mean you'd still take me back?" Saguru gasped in amazement, daring to hope.
"So long as you'll have me." Kaito shrugged, the smile now in full bloom…and looking a little on the impish side.
"I might take you up on that offer," Saguru chuckled predatorily, taking Kaito's lips and trailing his hands down Kaito's body.
"Not in my bed!" Shinichi shrieked from the doorway. "Not in my bed! Go mess up one of the guestrooms, but be sure to clean up and do the laundry before you go tomorrow morning," their host demanded.
Saguru shared a conspiratorial look with his husband, admiring the way Kaito's indigo eyes were sparkling again. "Did you want to continue this at home, or shall we impose upon Shinichi for a night?"
"You think I can wait until we get home? At best we'll get fined for public indecency and end up on the late night news. Let's take Shin-chan up on his offer," Kaito chuckled giddily.
"And don't be too loud," Shinichi added with a snap. "I have to be up and functioning in five hours for a drugs bust, so I need some decent sleep. You hear me?"
"Mmhm," Kaito totally blew him off, reaching over and fishing some supplies out of Shinichi's nightstand.
Shinichi blanched. "Those aren't—! How did you—?!"
Kaito rolled his eyes, taking his husband by the hand and dragging him towards one of the spare bedrooms.
"We know about Hattori," Saguru replied apologetically. "It's really not a secret."
"It hasn't been for four years," Kaito snickered.
…
A few hours later after things had settled down, they both lay exhausted yet content in each other's arms. Kaito, his head on Saguru's chest, happily listened to the steady sound of his husband's heart as he basked in the warmth and security he felt nestled up to Saguru like two perfectly fitted jigsaw pieces.
"So you don't think I'm fat," Kaito chuckled, breaking the silence.
"Hush, you," Saguru laughed. "I can still pick you up and throw you over my shoulder. Furthermore, you're still flexible enough to bend into a pretzel. You're not fat, Kaito…. Even if you were, I'd still love you anyway."
"Good," Kaito hummed, and then, "…So I can stop agonizing about losing weight?"
"Please do," Saguru stressed. "I feel like the scum of the earth for making you insecure about all that."
"…I wish I could say it was okay, but…I should probably see a counselor or something about…" Kaito tensed, and his voice became quiet with a hint of shame. "About…eating disorders."
"Shinichi told me a little bit about that," Saguru sighed, holding Kaito to his chest a little tighter with one hand while the other stroked the length of Kaito's back like a giant cat. "What can I do to help you? I want to be there for you."
Kaito relaxed into Saguru's touch, closing his eyes as he explained, "Well, I think the whole problem is stress. The reason why I sit down and eat a whole bag of chips in the first place is because I'm stressed out and feeling down about…two things really: my failing career and my failing marriage, so…if we fix those things, I won't need to gorge myself on junk anymore. If you stop with all of the 'You're getting fat' 'You've gained five pounds' comments, I think that might help me not want to make myself throw up after I do binge, so…"
"Okay. I understand, and I'm truly sorry, Kaito. What do I need to do to be a better husband to you? Obviously there's the physical aspect of our relationship which I promise you, in the future, I will make time for, even if I am tired and stressed out from work, but… What else do you need from me, Kaito?"
"Just…it would be nice if we spent some time together," Kaito suggested tentatively, afraid of being told once more that his husband didn't have time because of his job. "Nowadays, I only see you for a few hours at night since you work so much, and you're always too tired to spend time with me. I'd kind of like to sit down and talk and cuddle and…you know. Sit there and gaze into each other's eyes like the starry-eyed lovers we used to be, trying to keep our hands off each other. It's okay if it's only for ten or fifteen minutes; I know you're busy, but… It would mean a lot to me if you would just make time to just pay attention to me and only me."
Saguru thought about it for a moment. Even fifteen minutes was a lot of time considering that as soon as he got home from work, he had only two hours to eat, shower, and prepare for the next day before he had to go to sleep, but…he'd make time. For Kaito, he'd make time. "Understood. And what can I do to help with your career?"
Kaito shook his head, inching closer to Saguru, if that was even possible. "Nothing. I'm going to give up magic and get a real job."
"Kaito, no," Saguru entreated as the bottom dropped out of his stomach. "I was wrong about all of that. I'll keep supporting you, so you just keep on pursuing your dream. It's too important to you to give up like that."
Kaito shook his head again. "I was thinking…when I thought we were getting a divorce…I was thinking that I had to support myself now, and I didn't know how I was going to do that. Only…I talked with Shinichi a little, and I was thinking about it, and I realized that while magic really is my passion, I don't think I could do any better than I did as Kid. I used to perform for Japan…even internationally sometimes. I don't think I could ever be completely satisfied performing on a stage in a little auditorium, and I think that people could see that in the shows that I did. That's why things never took off. I think now…I'll just stick to giving little free performances in parks for kids and passersby. I enjoy doing that."
Saguru nodded, accepting Kaito's explanation and determined to support him no matter what road he chose. "So what do you want to do?"
"…Acting?" Kaito chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah. I know. Trading in one show biz career for another probably won't work, but—"
"—If you want to try, then try," Saguru encouraged. "There's no harm in trying, and, honestly, we both already know that you're an unbelievable actor. If you can fool people's friends, family, and spouses into believing that you're them, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to absolutely dazzle everyone on the silver screen. If you think it'll make you happy, Kaito, try."
"…Okay," Kaito finally decided. "Okay. I'll try and see what happens…. In the meantime, though, what can I do to be a better husband to you? I know I've been driving you crazy lately…kind of intentionally," Kaito admitted guiltily.
"I knew it," Saguru snorted in mild amusement.
"Just to get your attention," Kaito rushed to explain.
Saguru nodded. "I used to misbehave to get my parents' attention sometimes. I understand. Attention, even if it's just them yelling at you, is still attention. At least they're looking at you, talking to you. I'm really sorry that I neglected you so much that it came to that."
"It's not just you that's the problem, though," Kaito remarked quietly. "I haven't been pulling my weight in this marriage either. Is there anything I can do to be a better husband to you?"
Saguru bit his lip and thought about it. "Honestly, what would be most meaningful to me is if the house were a little cleaner when I got home. If dinner was ready for me, but…I know you're feeling down in the dumps and don't really have much energy for all that, so…until you get your strength back, if you could just…I don't know…maybe express more appreciation? I feel like I'm working so hard for your sake, but you don't seem to acknowledge my efforts at all."
"That's because your job is stealing my husband away from me," Kaito muttered ruefully but then realized what he was saying. "But! But I will try! I'll…I'll clean up after myself and make you dinner and…I'll say thank you more often. I'll let you know what a good job I think you're doing, and I'll tell you what a great husband you are and how sexy you look in a suit and how much I appreciate you working hard to take care of me."
"And I'll try to tell you more often how beautiful you are, how much you mean to me," Saguru whispered, planting a kiss to Kaito's left temple.
It was quiet for a minute as they just enjoyed each other's company, the warmth of their beloved's body, the sensation of skin on skin, the sound of the other breathing, and the steady beating of their two hearts, once again in sync after so long missing the beat.
"I was thinking," Saguru whispered. "I never use my vacation time. I should take off work next week. And the week after that too. I'll take off work, and we can spend the whole first week together doing…oh, whatever you want. Probably spending a lot of time naked, a lot of time talking. Maybe we could make meals together or go for walks or just sit on the couch and stare at each other or play card games or… Does that sound appealing?"
Kaito lifted his head off of Saguru's chest in order to give his husband a playful peck on the nose. "God, yes. You had me at 'naked'. Naked is my favorite outfit."
"And you look so good in it," Saguru snickered, positively leering.
"And what about the second week?" Kaito prompted.
"The second week, we go to India for a honeymoon," Saguru whispered conspiratorially.
Kaito let out a trill of delight.
"I know how you've always wanted to go and do yoga and meditate and visit all of the cultural heritage sites, so…"
"Are you sure it's okay?" Kaito asked hesitantly, beginning to worry that this all sounded too good to be true. Surely the hell he had been living in these past few months couldn't suddenly evaporate overnight, could it?
Saguru nodded. "Absolutely. This is going to be the start of me taking time for us. I've…honestly, been working too hard lately. You were right earlier when you said that we had enough money. It's true that I grew up with more, but…we have enough right now. I've been working as if we were starving and about to be thrown out on the streets, but…we're well off. We have more than we need, so…let's spend a little. I've been putting too much of a value on money and not enough on spending time and experiencing things with you. I was thinking earlier when I thought that it was all over that…really, what's the point in having all that we do if we never have time to enjoy it together? Money is for spending. Saving is important, but… Hording it isn't doing us a whole lot of good, and hording is exactly what I've been doing, so… It's okay, taking off work and taking a vacation."
"Okay," Kaito breathed in relief, settling back down. "I always did love how you were so thoughtful and romantic. It's been a while since you last doted on me like that. I'm really looking forward to spending all that time together."
"I fear you'll be sick of me by the end," Saguru chuckled.
"Never," Kaito assured.
"Then…what would you say to having me around more often? If I…maybe if I didn't work so much?" Saguru tentatively ventured.
Kaito's eyes lit up, and he lifted his head once more to stare at his husband incredulously. "Really? Like…you really mean that you'd…?" And then Kaito's high flying mood fell as he realized something. "But your job is important."
"You're more important than my job," Saguru stated definitively. "The whole reason why I was working hectic, crazy hours was to earn enough money to take care of you. If I don't have enough free time to meet your emotional needs because of my job, then it's not good for much, now is it?"
"But…you help people. There are people out there that need your help," Kaito softly replied, wanting to do the right thing but, at the same time, wanting to be selfish. He didn't want to share his husband with the general public anymore. He wanted Saguru all to himself.
Saguru shrugged. "They have Shinichi for that. I assure you that the police force has grown quite a bit more competent than back in your day. There are other officers out there just as good as me."
"Lies," Kaito snorted, nuzzling Saguru's jaw lovingly. "Everyone knows that you're the bestest of the best."
Saguru chuckled, shaking his head. "Now you're just stroking my ego."
"And you like it," Kaito purred, pressing little kisses to Saguru's collarbone.
"Yes, so please continue," Saguru urged, closing his eyes and arching his back a little as Kaito's lips worked their way down his chest.
With each kiss, Kaito muttered honey-sweet words, his wicked tongue doing double duty. It made Saguru wonder why in the world he had ever made the excuse that he was too tired for this. He couldn't believe that his sour attitude caused by Kaito's apparent apathy and laziness had dried up his desire for his husband.
"No matter," he reasoned, for it was quickly returning.
And down the hall, Kudo Shinichi did not get adequate sleep that night.
…
In the morning when Shinichi walked into his kitchen, he found the once more stupid-in-love couple making out on his table as they cooked breakfast.
"My eyes!" the host griped just for the sake of complaining. "I'm never going to be able to eat off of that table again."
"G-Good morning…S-Shinichi," Saguru gasped for breath, completely winded from their torrid tonsil hockey session.
"The table's fine." Kaito rolled his eyes, not bothering to unhook his leg from around Saguru. "I mean, we're wearing clothes."
"You're wearing boxers. Just boxers," Shinichi grumbled, going over to the stove and flipping the mini pancakes cooking on the skillet there. He tried not to see the teeth and nail marks, all the hickeys that served as evidence of the couple's enthusiastic reconciliation.
"How was the drugs bust?" Saguru inquired sheepishly, still with his husband hanging off of him like moss on a sloth.
Shinichi groaned. "You two were so loud, I hardly got to sleep at all. The bust went well, but…God, I'm exhausted." Shinichi focused on scrambling the eggs instead of the Kid caricature doodled in hickeys just visible above the waistband of Hakuba's boxers.
"Sorry about that," Saguru apologized with a bow, feeling guilty that his marital problems had interfered with Shinichi's work.
Shinichi just shook his head and shrugged. "Whatever. It's fine. I'm just glad you two are sorting things out. You can pay me back by staying happily married in the future so I don't have to deal with anymore Kaito meltdowns or anything. I really don't want to do this whole thing again, okay?"
"Understood," Saguru agreed whole-heartedly.
It was at this point that Kaito untwined and detached himself from his husband in order to come over and give Shinichi a hug from behind. "Thanks, Shin-chan," he whispered, giving the detective a grateful kiss on the cheek. "For everything. I really owe you."
Shinichi shook it off once more with a light blush at Kaito's affections. "Nah. Let's just call this one a freebie. You've put your neck out for me a lot of times. That's more than worth giving you a hand last night."
Kaito squeezed a little tighter (making his husband slightly jealous) and chuckled, "But you've been listening to me whine about my marriage for months now."
"Kaito, I've been listening to you complain for the past nine years, and I'm prepared to do so for another ninety, if need be," Shinichi snorted.
"Good. Thanks, Shin-chan!" Kaito sang as he skipped back over to his husband and glomped Saguru, interspersing kisses with nuzzling the life out of his spouse.
…
Saguru's two week vacation was a great jumpstart to revitalizing their relationship. Kaito hadn't felt that much love coming from his husband in over a year. Saguru decreasing his hours also did wonders for their marriage.
Kaito, feeling better about himself and the future, was keeping the house clean and making elaborate meals for his hubby.
Now that Saguru was being intentional, their physical relationship had improved dramatically with everything from holding hands and stealing kisses to spending hours holed up in their bedroom on the weekends.
And Kaito was happy again.
Though, like any couple, there were still times when they fought. They forgot about that eye-opening turning point in their relationship, and they weren't kind or loving or intentional. They said snide, sarcastic, hurtful things, and they stormed off, slamming doors.
But then, once they'd cooled off a little, they remembered. They remembered that night when they had almost lost each other, and they shuddered, thinking, "Is the thing we were fighting about seriously more important to me than my husband?"
The answer was always a resounding "no". Then the party that had stormed off would head into the den and find their partner sitting destitute on the couch, wallowing in misery. They'd sit down beside their beloved and place their hand on top of the other's or snuggle close, give a kiss on the cheek, or rest their head on their husband's shoulder. They'd whisper a heartfelt "I'm sorry" followed by a desperate vow of "I love you", and that would set them right. All would be forgiven…for the most part. Occasionally it would take some additional making out or backrubs to smooth ruffled feathers and soothe hurt feelings, but the situation was usually diffused with the apology and vow of love.
And they went on like that, each working hard to make the other happy, keep the romance alive. It wasn't always easy or fun, but it was worth it. It was a real marriage, and that was the best that either could ever ask for.
The
End
…...
Mikau: Well, I'm pretty happy with how that turned out. What do you think? I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you in advance for reviewing, and thanks again for taking the time to read this. Have a fabulous day! Until we meet again!