Disclaimer: I own no rights to Hawaii Five-0 or any of its characters. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement is intended.
"Hot damn, this is so great," Steve crowed as he and Danny stepped off the elevator into Five-0 headquarters. "You can never, I mean never ever, call me that name again."
"Shut up," Danny barked at him.
Steve waived the papers he was holding in Danny's face. "I will not shut up until you admit that you've been wrong all these years."
Danny ignored his partner and walked towards the smart table where Jerry, Lou, and Tani were openly watching the argument, while Junior pretended that he hadn't heard anything.
"So, fellows," Lou spoke up. "What's the spat about this morning. Did Danny forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste again?"
"It's nothing," Danny told him. "Just Steve being his usual annoying self."
Everyone nodded, easily accepting that explanation.
But Steve ignored Danny's attempt to change the subject and launched into an explanation. "We got home so late last night that we forgot to get the mail, so we grabbed it out of the box this morning on the way into work."
When Steve paused for effect, Tani took the bait and prodded, "Yeah, so? I take it there was something in the mail that got you all revved up? I mean it's a little early for bickering, even for you guys. You're usually disgustingly sweet in the mornings."
"Did I not just say it was nothing. Can't we drop it?" Danny asked the group, before he turned to Steve. "It's a measly three percent. You're being ridiculous."
"Oh no, you are not going to brush this off. I want you admit to the whole team how wrong you've been in your assessment of me all these years and then I want a public apology, maybe even a nice big billboard beside the H1."
"Keep dreaming, you putz."
"Putz, I'll give you," Steve conceded with a grin. "But you can never call me that other name again."
"I'll ask one more time. What the hell are you two arguing about?" Lou broke in before the bickering could ramp back up.
Steve turned his grin on the assembled team. "Grace gave us both one of those DNA testing kits that lets you know your ancestry and heritage." He held up the papers in his hand. "We just got the results."
When Steve simply stood there grinning without providing any further explanation, there came a chorus of "And?" from the rest of the team.
"The jerk is gloating because I've got 3% Neanderthal DNA and he only has 1.6. Big deal, it doesn't change the fact that he's the one who acts like a Neanderthal half the time." Danny told them in an obvious attempt to steal Steve's thunder.
"Oh, my god, that's rich." Tani turned to Danny. "This has got to be killing you."
Steve bumped Danny with his shoulder. "He's been pouting ever since we opened the results," Steve told them with glee. "Just think, all those times he called me a Neanderthal, he was actually insulting himself."
"I have not been pouting." Everyone pointedly looked at where Danny had his arms crossed over his chest. He quickly dropped them to his sides and glared.
"You're pouting just a little," Lou told him. Junior, never one to do anything that might be perceived as insubordinate, just shook his head and turned his eyes away.
Jerry looked up from where he'd been furiously typing. "It says here that Neanderthals were adapted for colder climates. The males were slightly shorter than modern human males, around five-foot five on average, with more robust skeletons, strongly muscled arms and legs, and broad chests. They also had receding foreheads and large jaws."
"Oh, my god, Danny, you are a Neanderthal," Steve howled with laughter. "You are never going to live this down. Say it, say it now, say, 'Steve, I apologize, I am the Neanderthal not you and I was wrong to ever call you one.' Say it, Danny."
As the rest of the team continued to kid Danny who was turning redder by the minute, Jerry interrupted before the object of their fun could blow his top. "You know, Neanderthals weren't really the grunting, chest-beating, dimwitted cavemen Hollywood would have us believe. According to this, Neanderthals had larger brains than modern humans, they wore clothing and even jewelry, they lived in shelters, controlled fire, made and used sophisticated tools, and hunted in organized groups using spears with tips attached with glue they made themselves. They even buried their dead and sometimes marked the graves with ornamental objects or flowers. So, you see, calling someone a Neanderthal isn't really an insult."
"I stand corrected," Danny puffed out his broad, muscular chest as if the emphasize his ancestry. "Steve, I was absolutely wrong all those times I called you a Neanderthal … I apologize. They were obviously much more evolved and intelligent than you act on occasion and I shouldn't have insulted my ancestors that way. I promise I won't make that mistake again." Danny grinned.
Now it was Steve's turn to pout. "This is so not fair."
"That didn't turn out quite the way you intended, did it, babe?" Danny reached over and gave Steve a gentle pat on the cheek.
"No, it certainly did not." Steve lamented. He continued to pout for several seconds before a sly look came into his eyes and a small smile appeared on his face. "But you know, Danno, I really wouldn't be opposed to you demonstrating some of those sophisticated caveman ways on occasion.
A hot look appeared in Danny's eyes. "Yeah, babe, I could do that."
They ignored the uncomfortable groans from rest of the team.
"In fact," Danny told him, "it appears to be a slow morning, why don't we go to my office and read over those DNA results a little more closely? Who knows what other interesting information we might discover? I bet you have some Roman warrior ancestry. That could be really interesting. Genetically speaking, of course."
Steve made no attempt to disguise his eager look as he followed Danny into his office. When the blinds closed a few seconds later, the rest of the team quickly realized they all had things to do outside of HQ.
Fin.
Note: A shout out to the podcast Mobituaries with Mo Rocca, whose episode "Neanderthals: Death of a Human Species," was the inspiration for this story. I also got some additional facts from the Smithsonian Institution's website, as well as a couple others. Also, the title is in reference to the "23 and Me" DNA kit, which I believe is the only one that currently includes Neanderthal heritage in their results. Apparently, people of European and Asian heritage have on average have between 1% - 4% Neanderthal DNA and most people of African heritage have 0%. Thanks for reading this little bit of pure fluffy fun.