Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai and I also don't own the songs I used in this story, they belong to their respective owners.
A big thank you to Kat for letting me bounce ideas off of her. The boys don't have to know about our escapades in the wee hours of the night.
Lilies
I can only imagine
what it will be like
when I walk
by your side
Trowa's head came up from its resting place in his hand. He sighed and reached over for the remote to turn the radio off, but something stayed his hand. He glared at the radio for the song that was flowing from its speakers, but his glare softened as the song continued.
I can only imagine
what my eyes will see
when your face
is before me
I can only imagine
Quatre… Suddenly all the pain came rushing back and Trowa pushed away the papers he was working on. He closed his eyes and let himself be lost in the song.
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
"Promise me, and I will promise you, that if one of us dies, for whatever reason, the other will continue on."
"Quatre, what kind of talk is this? Neither one of us is going to die. We are going to grow old together, and be happy for the rest of our lives."
"Trowa." Quatre gave him his look, the one that meant he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.
Trowa sighed. "Yes, Quatre. I promise if you die, although you won't, that I will continue living strong."
"Thank you." Quatre said, curling up next to Trowa on the couch.
'Quatre, how'd you know?' Trowa thought.
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Trowa sighed and looked at the clock. It was only 3 PM. He looked back at the papers he was supposed to be going over. He frowned at them and then looked back at the clock. 'Oh, what the hell.' He quickly gathered up the papers and put them in his briefcase. He headed out of his office, stopping to tell his secretary that he was leaving early and that he would be in again tomorrow. The song was playing on her desk and in the elevator as he descended to the parking garage.
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
Once Trowa started the car, the song came back on again. Trowa drove home, and parked in the big garage of his big, empty, house. Walking through the bigger living room and into the more private family room, Trowa deposited his briefcase and jacket on the table. He turned on the stereo softly, and although the song had already stopped playing, he hit 'Play' on the DVD and the song again filled the air.
Sighing, Trowa moved over to the table set in a corner of the room. On it, Quatre's face smiled back at him from various different picture frames. The one from their first official date, the one from their one year anniversary of dating, the professional portrait Quatre had made for Trowa for his birthday, their marriage photograph, a simple picture of Quatre playing in the surf on their honeymoon. Trowa knelt in front of the table and lit the tea light in the candle holder there. Leaning forward, Trowa rested his arms on the table. "Oh, my Cat. I miss you so much." He reached out and stroked Quatre's face in one of the pictures. "When can I come home to you?" He sighed. "I know I promised you, but it's so hard to continue, when all I want to do is come home to you forever."
"What!"
"You're husband was in a bad car accident. He's in emergency surgery right now."
"Oh my god. What's wrong? Is he going to be ok?"
"I don't know sir. The doctors are working as hard as they can to save him."
Trowa drove so fast, he was surprised he didn't get a ticket. He rushed in through the doors and demanded to know where his Quatre was. The nurse directed him to where they were performing the surgery. Trowa ran down the hall to see the doctor coming out of the operation room, pulling off his gloves. Trowa skidded to a stop, his heart stopping. Then he was in motion again, running to the doctor.
"What's going on?"
The doctor looked at him. "You're Trowa?" Trowa nodded. "We tried, but he's got massive internal bleeding and one of his lungs has been crushed. There's nothing we can do. We're loosing him." Trowa was sure that the earth had dropped out from under him, and he swayed on his feet. He looked at the doctor in shock. "He hasn't stopped calling for you since they brought him in. You might want to hurry." Trowa nodded and the doctor walked away.
Trowa slowly entered the room to see Quatre on the bed, tubes going everywhere, and a mask over his face. When he saw Trowa he tried to sit up, but Trowa was at his side holding him back. "Don't overdo yourself Cat." He said.
Quatre smiled and tried to take the mask off but couldn't. Trowa helped him get it off then clutched Quatre's hand in his own. "Trowa, my Trowa. I'm so sorry; I never meant to leave you like this."
"No! You aren't going to leave me. You aren't, you can't. I need you."
"You remember our promise, right?" When he didn't get an answer, he asked again. "Right?"
Trowa nodded slowly as tears poured down his cheeks. "I never told you this, but in my will, I left you the company. Please, take care of it."
"I will. Quatre… I don't want to loose you."
Quatre looked into Trowa's eyes. "You never really will, I'll be with you in spirit until you come home to me forever."
Minutes later, his Quatre was gone. Trowa let out a wail, almost animalistic in nature and gathered Quatre into his arms. He gently rocked Quatre, tenderly removing the tubes from his abused body.
Trowa looked up at the photos of Quatre through his tears. 'It hurts so much. Nothing can take away the pain.' "It's been seven years and the pain won't go away. I want it to be over. Quatre, make the pain end." He pleaded.
I can only imagine
when all I will do
is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
He bowed his head and sat motionless, only his tears moving on his face. After a while he looked up at the pictures again. "The company is still going strong." He told Quatre. "I took care of it, just like I promised. I still see Duo and Heero now and again, Wufei remains his elusive self. I tried to go on living, my love, because I know it's what you want. But sometimes, I feel I can't. I still reach out at night expecting to feel you beside me. I come home from work and expect to see your smiling face. I forget that your gone, and when I do remember, it hits me hard that Ill never be able to hold your hand again, or caress your cheek. And it hurts! Quatre, I hurt." Trowa sobbed.
After a moment, he wiped his face with his sleeve. He offered a tentative smile to Quatre's pictures. "I will always love you. Always. Hold a place for me, where you are, and I will come to join you someday. And then we will never be apart. Ever again. I promise."
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Trowa touched his fingers to his mouth and pressed them to Quatre's in their wedding photograph. He slowly got to his feet and made his way to the kitchen. He gradually made a meal for himself and took it into his office to continue going over his papers. Half an hour later, he still hadn't gotten anything done. He stared out into space.
"I'm sorry."
Trowa nodded, accepting the condolences from yet another of Quatre's acquaintances. At least they were all leaving. There had been a viewing for Quatre and then a reception afterwards. Now, everyone except Quatre's closest friends and family had left. Trowa wandered over to the casket. Inside, Quatre looked serene and peaceful. His little sleeping angel. Trowa stroked his cheek and ran his fingers through his hair one more time before gently closing the lid.
The next morning, they had a quiet little funeral for Quatre; he was buried, per his wishes, in his garden, in the bed of White Lilies. Trowa had decided on the lilies, to represent his Quatre's innocence and desire for peace. Every year, during the summer, Trowa got fresh lilies from the garden to have on the table. The song that was played was one of Quatre's favorites: I Can Only Imagine.
The clock slowly chimed eight o'clock. Trowa shook himself out of his reverie. 'I really lost track of the time.' He gathered up his papers and put them back in his briefcase. He trudged up the stairs, turning off the lights as he went. He closed the door and slumped against it for a moment. Looking across the room, he was again confronted with Quatre's smiling face. This time it was a large hand painted portrait, done post-humusly using a photograph.
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Trowa pushed himself away from the wall. He languidly got ready for bed, brushing his teeth and putting on his pajamas; the green ones that matched his eyes. Quatre had a matching pair in aqua. The initials TWB were stitched on the pocket. Trowa careful traced the letters. "Trowa Winner-Barton" he whispered out loud. The pajamas had been a wedding gift from Duo and Heero. Quatre's similarly had QWB on them.
Trowa pulled back the covers of the king size bed and told himself, as he did every night, that he should get a smaller bed; he didn't really need this big one. Yet, he couldn't bear to part with it. Sometimes, he still imagined he could smell Quatre on the sheets. Trowa curled himself up around the huge teddy bear Quatre had won him at the fair.
"You want one?" Trowa asked Quatre, indicating a coin toss game to win prizes. Quatre nodded eagerly. Trowa went over and paid for three games, and tossed the coin.
Trowa handed Quatre a little dog. "Sorry I couldn't get you the bear." Quatre giggled.
"It's ok, I like him. I'll name him Behebek." Quatre added quietly, "It means I love you, in Arabic." Quatre's face lit up a second later. "Let me get one for you!" Before Trowa could protest, Quatre had paid for three games of his own.
"Sorry Trowa." He apologized a minute later, when the lady handed him the huge stuffed bear. "Here, you keep him." Trowa sighed but took the bear.
"Well, what are you going to name him?"
Trowa thought for a moment. "Amoureux." At Quatre's confused look he clarified. "Lover." Quatre grinned and tugged Trowa off to the rides.
Trowa turned off the light and stared into the darkness. He squeezed Amoureux closer and closed his eyes.
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Somehow, without realizing it, Trowa had slipped into sleep. He knew because standing before him, on a beach, was Quatre. "Hello Trowa." He said.
"Quatre." Trowa breathed, and then ran to him, twirling him in his arms, then bringing him in for a kiss. "Oh, Quatre, I've missed you."
"I know. I've missed you too. I am so proud of you, my Trowa." Quatre said, looking into Trowa's eyes. "You have done wonders with the company and kept our promise."
Trowa nodded. "It's what you wanted." Then he broke down. "When can I come be with you again?" he asked, trying to hold back his tears.
"When your work is done, darling," Quatre told him, wiping away the tears that managed to fall. Trowa nodded and buried his face in Quatre's shoulder. Quatre held him as he sobbed his heart out. After Trowa could cry no more, Quatre lead him down the beach to a towel. They stretched out on the towel, and Quatre pulled Trowa in to cuddle him. They rested there until the sun started to go down. Quatre sat up and then pulled Trowa into a sitting position as well. He began to sing softly:
"What if I told you it was all meant to be?
Would you believe me? Would you agree?
It's almost that feeling that we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
when I tell you love has come here and now"
Trowa smiled as he recognized their song. He lay back into Quatre's arms and let the blonde's beautiful tenor voice take him away.
"A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
Some people search forever for that one special kiss
Oh I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
Everything changes but beauty remains
Something so tender I can't explain
I may be dreaming but until I awake
Can't we make this dream last forever?
And I'll cherish all the love we share
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment, a moment like this...
Oh I can't believe it's happening to me..
some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. "
Quatre's voice faded away on the breeze and he turned Trowa to face him. "Be strong my love. I love you now, and for always, and I am so sorry we couldn't spend our lifetime together, like we had hoped. I will be waiting for you when the time is right for you to join me." He kissed Trowa lovingly. "And now it's time for you to return. I love you forever."
"I love you too, my Cat." Trowa said. And the next thing he knew he woke up in his bed, and the sun was just peeking over the horizon.
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Trowa sighed and snuggled back into the covers. He had dreams about Quatre a lot, but this one somehow felt more real. He sighed and looked up at the portrait. "I love you." He whispered.
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
That day at work, he was silent most of the day. When he went home that night he lit the candle in Quatre's shrine and sat before it, more in remembrance tonight than the grief of last night. "I miss you baby. It's been seven years now and it hasn't gotten much easier, but I love you and know that you still love me. So I will go on, for you and for me. I can't wait to see you, and hold you and be together forever. Goodnight, my darling. I'll see you again someday."
I can only imagine