Here I am again, didn't know what I was getting into writing a random story starring a weird guy barely resembling Harry Potter, has a wacky name and several of my own characters making appearances and freaking out poor J.K Rowlings carefully thought out characters! Oh well...

(Oh and Sorry bout my crap grammar...My beter is ALWAYS ON APPEAR OFFLINE so she can read FanFic in peace!) Thanks again to my loyal reviewers, who have stuck with me through thick (me not writing) and thin (me being bored with nothing to do BUT write...). I hope I am a Banana, WarriorByNight and my bored better, Lemo enjoy this story. What you've been waiting for, for SO long...(For a couple of days)...You'd think it would never come...(You didn't really care either)...(I'll shut up...)

Lemo: pulls down sign that says 'offline' NO BODIES HOME! shifteh eyes

Barry Saucepan and the Escaped Maniac

Chapter one: Blowing Up Your Aunt

"Pass the bacon asshole," Dudley said through a mouthful of egg.

"Manners Dudles!" Aunt Petunia clucked.

"Pass the bacon asshole, please."

"Good boy."

"Haven't you had enough, fatty?" Barry answered moodily.

Petunia gasped, as Vernon began to glow red,

"JUST BECAUSE OUR BOY IS BIG BONED-"

"Oh shut your pie hole. I'm going to my room," Barry got up and put his food onto Dudley's plate, "Eat up! Don't want to go back to school, not having gained fifty kilos..." Barry then left the kitchen as Vernon yelled,

"GO TO YOUR ROOM IMMEDIATELY!"

Barry rolled his eyes. The Dursley's were getting worse over the years, and so was his attitude towards him. And ever since Lemo had mistaken Dudley for a whale, Barry couldn't help but really notice how much he really did resemble a whale. Now, hearing that Aunt Marge was coming, he knew his day couldn't get worse. He remembered her last visit she put him down at every opportunity and insisted that his Uncle and Aunt were taking them in out of the goodness of their hearts, ha whatever. Barry flopped down on his bed and it squeak and went down under his weight. Most of the springs were screwed after Dudley's, err...weight problems.

After about half hour of dreading the time he heard,

"VERNON! My darling brother!" It happened, "My Dudles! Look at you! All grown up and handsome!"

Was this woman blind!

"Petunia! My favorite sister in law!"

She was so friggen loud...

"How are you all! Can you pour me a brandy! Wait...Where's the runt!"

Barry couldn't believe she actually bothered to point out he wasn't there...

He heard Uncle Vernon's muffled reply, followed by his bark,

"BOY! Get your ass down here!"

Barry reluctantly lifted himself off his bed and dragged his feet downstairs. Hearing they were now in the kitchen he walked in,

"You rang?"

Aunt Marge largely resembled a hippo. A splitting image of her brother. She rose, Brandy in hand and glared at him,

"You've become more moody as you've gotten older. You should really appreciate what my brother has done for you."

"And what would that be?" Barry was sick of Aunt Marge pushing him around...

The dog growled at Barry's feet, he couldn't remember this ones name...It was either Killer or Fluffy. He personally thought it should be called Ugly, but it was really none of his business. Marge poked her large finger in front of Barry's face,

"Apologize."

"Sorry?"

Marge gave a contented grunt,

"I guess you can't help your nature...I see it all the time with dogs! Don't ever breed with a tempermental bitch. But if the father's bad as well...Then you know your going to get a disas-"

"Shut up."

Barry wanted to leave the Dursley's right now, but he knew he'd never be allowed. He probably won't survive until the end of the holidays. But Barry swore to himself as soon as he got off the train, that he was not going to let them push him around.

"What did you say to me, boy?"

"Shut up!"

"No, I'll 'shut up' when I feel it is nessary. Now you boy are obviously the result of a bad mother and father. Your scrawny, you look bout twelve-"

"Just because I'm now the size of Dudley when he was twelve, doen't make me scrawny! Dudleys an obese-"

"ENOUGH!" Uncle Vernon yelled, as Dudleys mouth dropped open, all six of his chins wobbling.

"Calm down Vernny...I'm sorting the boy...You know what one of your main fault Saucepan?"

"What?"

"Your nearly a fifteen year old boy, single, desperate, ugly and scrawny."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M SINGLE!"

"I also called you ugly-"

"BUT I'M NOT SINGLE!"

"Your taken?" Aunt Marge looked at him in shock, "But how would you meet-"

"At school."

Aunt Marge's eyes grew rounder,
"B-But, that makes you-"

Barry nodded,

"Yes it does," he said smiling as he thought of Lemo and how they'd been to tegether for more than a year now.

Uncle Vernon looked like a deer caught in the head lights as Aunt Marge turned and looked at him,

"The boy's a fagot!"

Barry snapped back to reality,

"WHAT!"

"You raised, this already screwed up boy to become a fagot! Vernon? Why?"

Uncle Vernon shifted uncomfortably in his seat,

"Uhh...Well..."

"What the fuck! I'm not gay!" Barry yelled.

"W-Well..." Vernon continued to stutter.

"Vernon..." Petunia said, looking at him, "What school does Barry go to, again?"

"St. Troaves School for Criminal Boys," Vernon croaked.

Petunia smacked him across the head looking angry,

"That's the one!" she said through clenched teeth.

"I GO WHERE!" Barry yelled some more.

"Shut-up fagot!" Dudley laughed.

"SHUT IT WHALE!"

"BARRY!"

"You little rude ru-"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!"

Before Barry knew it he lost control. Marge began to swell and expand. Suddenly she left the ground, everyone jumped up, well all except Dudley. Why get up when everyone else was doing a perfectly good job of that themselves?

"MARGE!" Vernon shouted as he tried to reach for her.

"VERNON! WHAT HAPPENING!"

Petunia shot daggers through Barry,

"FIX HER! FIX HER NOW!"

Barry backed away staring in horror at Marge floating about near the roof.

"Muuuuuuuuuum...Are we going to have lunch?"

"PUT HER RIGHT NOW!" Vernon shouted.

Just to improve Barry's afternoon, an owl flew into the window.

"WHAT IS IT WITH THOSE BLOODY OWLS AND FLYING INTO WINDOWS!"

"You've seen them before?" MArge said from the ceiling.

"Uh...No never before in my life. YOU BOY! FIX HER NOW!"

"Got to go!" Barry yelled grabbing the parchment from the ruffled owl and running upstairs to retrieve his trunk. In his room he found several birds with parchment. He grabbed them all, rounding up all his stuff then ran out of his room as fast he could with a bewitched trunk and Bedfig flying in his wake out the door.

Lemo: Though I hate to do so…I rather agree with marge…Moooody! Hey AMBO! Give the kid some weed or something!

HEY! MY FICTIONAL SELF IS OLD THAN ME AGAIN! Darn, and I'd just caught up too…