The little Colonel and the little Astrophysicist

by Trunks lil' sis

It was Ford’s golden rule that if you were faced with certain death, it was your duty to have as much sex as humanly possible. McKay just wants to honor Ford’s rule with Sheppard

Title: The little Colonel and the little Astrophysicist

Rating: Teen

Summary: It was Ford's golden rule that if you were faced with certain death, it was your duty to have as much sex as humanly possible. McKay just wants to honor Ford's rule with Sheppard.

Notes: This actually started off as a whole different story of McKay pushing the limits of the whole America Military hierarchy, but halfway through I realize it just wasn't going to work, so instead I transformed my social disobedience story into what you see before you.

Warnings: Pre-slash that kinda pushes right into slash, coupled with a ton of innuendo. Also, this isn't beta'd.

Disclaimer: See the McKay/Beckett kiss? If I owned the rights to Atlantis, it would be like that every episode. Christmas every day.

The little Colonel and this little Astrophysicist:

They were visiting M3X-565, for purely botanical reasons, apparently. Rodney wouldn't admit it to Sheppard, who surely would have gloated and teased him, but it felt good to get out of his labs and onto a planet that had been deemed neutral by a recovered Bates and his team. So Rodney, along with John and a handful of botanists and environmental specialists, trekked through the heavy shrubbery on the forest filled planet.

But of course nothing was ever simple, as far as Rodney was concerned, and Colonel Sheppard was the ultimate bringer of bad luck. If the man wasn't making a play on a Princess, he was pissing some chief off by refusing a ceremonial piercing, or stealing an elder's headdress after having a little too much to drink and proceeding to dance around the campfire with it atop his head. Rodney was born with the gene to attract trouble, but John was pure trouble.

Apparently they had been walking through some sacred garden and the locals hadn't taken kindly to that. Somehow the people of M3X-565 had avoided a Puddle Jumper's scanners, and Bates' exploration. Nevertheless, the planet was clearly populated as Rodney took off running in the direction of the Puddle Jumper, Sheppard at his side and a dozen or so nearly naked natives behind them, chasing them with very sharp objects and the intent to maim.

Sadly, they were caught, allowing their fellow comrades to escape back to the Puddle Jumper, and hopefully call for help.

So it was Rodney found himself shoved into a small hut, bleeding and bruised. John crashed to the hard floor next to him, and the pair were left alone.

It was, to their typical string of poor luck, a type of sweat hut. In the center of their hut was a blazing fire coupled with ash colored rocks, both which radiated heat. Within minutes Rodney pressed himself as far away from the fire as possible and felt his mouth grow parch. Suddenly Rodney wished he had accepted John's offer to share the Colonel's water, just minutes before they began their trek through the woods. His pride had interfered with that, and his own water pouch had been drained in a clumsy accident just feet from the Jumper.

"This is," Rodney panted, "all your fault." Sweat beaded on his forehead, underarms and at the small of his back. It wouldn't be long, he surmised, before he'd have to take his shirt of.

"Where's the logic in your statement?" John panted.

"You are the ranking military officer on Atlantis."

"So?"

John was already taking his clothing off, Rodney noted. The Colonel had since removed his shirt and was working diligently on his pants, the fire obviously taking his strength. When he was down to his standard issue boxers he collapsed to the ground, opposite Rodney.

"Who gave the go-ahead for the mission?" Rodney scrunched up his face and in a mocking tone said, "It's been checked out, Rodney. It's safe, Rodney. You need to get out of the lab. Come keep me company with the geeks, Rodney."

"Bates checked it out," John bit out. "He and the Puddle Jumper's sensors deemed this planet safe. It isn't my fault, so quit bitching. It's too hot."

Rodney tugged his own shirt up. "I vaguely recall a statement that went along the lines of, 'It's just an out of the way planet that hasn't been inhibited for thousands of years, and you'll be fine.' Are you a geologist, Colonel? Did you take rock samples and have them analyzed? Did you gather soil samples to see if the lands had been plowed recently? Did you actually have one shred of evidence that led you to the conclusion that this planet was uninhabited?"

John balled his shirt up in his hands and launched it over the fire, through the smoke it was emitting. It smashed into Rodney's head.

"Calm down, Rodney. Your blood pressure is gonna go through the roof and you'll only overheat faster."

Rodney snatched the shirt off his fact and tossed it into the fire, raising an eyebrow at John's shocked expression. "Keep calm, Colonel. We wouldn't want that nasty blood pressure to rise, would we?"

"If I could sit up," John said from his position on the ground. "I'd come over there and strangle you."

They didn't talk after that, Rodney taking his clothing off and John trying to lay as still as possible. The temperature in the room continued to rise and the door of the hut showed no signs of opening.

Rodney found himself drifting when John startled him with, "I really am sorry, Rodney. I should have checked the planet out for myself before bringing you here."

Rodney was curled on the floor and blinked his eyes open slowly. "You're sorry every time." Rodney didn't doubt John's sincerity, because as it was, the Colonel was a man of genuine authenticity. Rodney however disliked the amount of trouble they often got into, and the amount of apologies John shelled out to him.

"Hey!" John glared at him. "I apologize every time, but I'm not always wrong."

"But you are this time."

John rolled onto his stomach and folded his arms in front of him. He rested his chin on his hands. "Maybe we should clarify some things here."

Rodney shrugged, giving him his approval.

"I admit to being wrong about not checking the place out myself."

"Especially since you decided to bring your single most important scientist with you."

"Yes, yes, Rodney, single most important."

Rodney settled himself into the same position as John so he could see the man without being impaired by the burning fire.

"But," John said, "Bates and his team spent hours here, romping through the forest and didn't come across natives, or any sign of civilization. And if the jumpers didn't pick this place up, you can't dump the blame on me."

"Yes, so in our final moments, Colonel, you suggest we play the blame game."

"It's either that or the name game, and between me and you, Rodney doesn't work so well. Plus, you started this. I do recall you placing the blame on me."

"I didn't hear my hero arguing it at the time."

John's grin spread wide. He hoisted himself up on his hands and knees and crawled to Rodney, stopping in front of him to lay back down on the ground. "So, McKay, I'm your hero."

Rodney turned onto his side and clutched his chest. "Stop, Colonel, your ego is squashing me. If it inflates any more I'll have to forego breathing."

"No, really, Rodney, I'm your hero? What would your fellow geeks think about their leader making such a statement?"

"Psh, they'd go back to their pathetic existences and work on pleasing me, because obviously they've failed to do so, and never mention it again."

John reached out to grab hold of Rodney's nearest wrist. "And who says the authoritarian regime is dead?"

In return Rodney curled his fingers around John's wrist. They clung to each other, in their underwear, and struggled to breathe.

In a moment of weakness Rodney relented, "Yes, John, you are my hero. It doesn't matter how many times you get us into trouble, you always get us out."

"So you're gonna be pissed if I can't break us out?"

"I think being angry at you will be the least of my problems if we fail to escape and die in here." His grip on John's wrist weakened. "But you better believe my spirit will haunt your spirit for eternity."

"Is that even possible?" John asked.

"I'd rather not find out."

"So I should--"

"Get to work on finding a way out."

John nodded. "Right."

So the Colonel raised himself up off the floor and climbed to his feet, despite his world spinning around him. Leaning heavily against the wall of the hut, he made his way towards the entrance and began to feel around.

"Forget escaping," Rodney told him suddenly. He heaved himself upward, disliking the effort necessary to do so. "Come have sex with me."

John spun around, nearly losing his balance. He gave Rodney a suspicious look. "Have sex with you?" He edged away from the door and towards Rodney. "You want me to have sex with you?"

"We're already in our underwear. Come on, John, let's get kinky here."

"Has the fact that we're in a sweat hut eluded you? If we had sex we'd die."

Rodney hugged his bent legs to his chest and rested his arms on the top of his slick knees. "We're going to die anyway. There isn't any way out of here, and even if we managed, we'd be poked to death by very sharp things, and we'd bleed all over the dirt. I feel safe in the assumption that those scantily clad barbarians know exactly where to stab us so that we bleed slowly and die painfully. Now I'd rather die in the troughs passion, experiencing the most fantastic orgasm ever, then by sharp stick. How about you?"

John sat down next to him.

"I'm to understand you want us to have sex so we don't die by pointy stick?"

"It sounds logical to me."

"Am I your first choice … for sex?"

Rodney tilted his head towards him. "You're my only choice for sex, you big hunk of Colonel."

"You're delirious, Rodney."

"Yeah, but do you care?"

John leaned back against the hut's scratchy wall, letting it rub against his bare back. He took in a large gust of air and slid his arm around Rodney's shoulders. "I do care, Rodney. You're my friend and I won't take advantage of you when you're clearly out of your mind." He pressed his forehead against Rodney's. "We can have sex if we get out of here, and we aren't bleeding to death. However, we will not be having sex at this moment, or at any time during our stay in what is clearly the Four Seasons."

"Some team player you are, Sheppard."

"Hey, you know what? I bet the Jumper went right back to Atlantis and Weir sent out a team or two to come track us down. They're probably traipsing through the forest right now, looking for us."

"And I bet if Major Lorne got thrown in a sweat shack with that scientist of his, he'd be all over that geek like a bee to honey."

"You better hope not," John said. "I'd hate to have to kill Major Lorne. I'm just breaking him in, you know."

"Oh, give me a break. You make it sound like you have to defend the scientist's honor. Let me tell you, I make sure all my geeks can take care of themselves."

John hugged Rodney closer, despite the almost unbearable heat. "Is that so?"

Rodney nodded seriously. "That's damn right. It doesn't matter what country you're from. The patented 'knee the military asshole in the groin' method is universal, and extremely effective. If the scientist doesn't want the Major touching him, it isn't going to happen without a nudge of a P-90."

"So if I were to touch you inappropriately?"

"Isn't that what I was originally going for?"

John chuckled and added, "And you didn't want the touch?"

"You'd lose your hand."

"What would you do, gnaw it off?"

"I am getting kind of hungry."

John gawked at him. "We're about to die by overheating and you're thinking about food?" He took his free hand and ran it across his drenched forehead. "Of course you are, this is you, Rodney! You're always hungry."

"However, Colonel, as much as I'd like a cheeseburger, I'd rather have sex. So what do you say? How about we give it a go?"

"You really want to have sex, Rodney? Just because we're about to die?"

Rodney shivered and John nudged him closer, diagnosing the cause of those shivers to be heat exhaustion. Rodney was clearly entering the first stage, which brought with it cool chills. It was only a matter of time before Rodney became sleepy and if he slipped into unconsciousness, John was beyond sure that he'd probably never get Rodney awake again.

"I hear having sex is all the rage when you're about to die. It's like a golden rule. When you're about to die, it only makes sense to have sex."

Rodney rested his head on John's bony shoulder, his fingers linking with John's.

"Rodney, you can't just lead a guy on."

"Like what?"

"Here I am, thinking you want to have sex with me because I'm, you said a hunk, right. But, no, I find out we almost only had sex because we're about to die, and it's some golden rule."

"It was Ford's golden rule."

They both stilled at the thought of their friend.

"Did it work for Ford?" John asked Rodney.

"I find it interesting Ford never had the ability to test out his own little rule. We should honor Ford by fulfilling his rule."

John rubbed his cheek over Rodney's wet hair and said, "Okay."

Rodney jerked away from John, withdrawing his hand from Sheppard's grip.

"What do you mean, 'Okay?'"

John shrugged. "Okay."

"No!" Rodney crossed his arms and glared. "Not, 'okay'. You aren't supposed to say 'okay'. You aren't allowed to say 'okay.'"

"Good grief, Rodney!" John exclaimed. "You just spent the past ten minutes attempting to convince me to have sex with you, and then when I agree you back out. We talked about leading people on."

Rodney threw his arms out. "You, my dense hero, are not supposed to agree. How could you? You're supposed to protect my virtue, not threaten it. Really! I can't believe you. You were just going to take advantage of me, weren't you?"

John rubbed his palms on his boxers. "We're about to die, as you've kindly pointed out half a dozen times or so. The idea of dying by orgasm can win over heat exhaustion any day. Plus, you can't invite the wolf into your house and not expect him to eat the pork."

Rodney snorted and scooted away from John. "Touch me and the little Colonel gets hurt. That means you better tell it not to get any bright ideas. My little Astrophysicist doesn't take kindly to any unwanted action."

John threw his head back and laughed loudly. He scrambled up to his knees and threw himself at Rodney, catching his best friend around the waist and dragging him down to the ground. He settled his head against Rodney's shoulder and continued to laugh, his hands clutching Rodney's arm. And eventually Rodney began to laugh as well, tangling his legs with John's.

They laughed for a while longer until it hurt too much to take in the amount of air the action required. Then they just held each other close, chests heaving and heads spinning.

"No sex." John said, relinquishing his grip on Rodney's arm. He turned over to his back, sill leaning on Rodney. "I'll make sure the little Colonel gets the memo."

"Appreciated."

"Well?" John rested his hands on his stomach. "If sex is out of the picture, what do you want to do."

Rodney's fingers twitched. "I want to play the piano, just one more time."

"I remember Elizabeth telling me you're really good. She said you let her hear to play."

Rodney could feel his skin nearly on fire, itching terribly.

"I stopped by her place last time we were on Earth. I had to run some scenarios over with her and I happened to notice she had a piano."

"So you just conveniently mentioned you knew how to play, sat down and gave her a concert?"

Rodney detected a hint of hostility on John's words. "Actually, her niece was banging on the damned thing when I got there. I showed the kid a few scales to avoid hearing the racket she was making. Then the kid wouldn't leave me alone. She pestered and pestered until I played her a song and Elizabeth just happened to be in the room. End of story."

"How come you've never played for me?" John turned into Rodney and propped his head up with his hand.

"Do you have a spare piano hidden away somewhere that I can use sometime, because if you do, that'd be great." He grunted in pain as a headache flared near his right temple.

John said, "You could have brought one of those nifty keyboards with you as your personal item. It isn't a piano, but it could serve as a tool to keep your skills sharp."

"And I was just going to lug a heavy keyboard up to Cheyenne Mountain, and through the Stargate? Colonel, we didn't know if we were going to pop like little cherries on Atlantis. What should I have done, oh wise one?"

John made a distasteful sound and rolled his eyes. "Elizabeth also told me you've had years of formal training."

"My, my, Elizabeth sure says a lot."

"When Bates comes crashing through that door to rescue us, you can go home. You've got vacation time, Rodney. Go home and play your piano."

"Wouldn't that be nice?" Rodney asked, his voice sad. "My mother sold my piano a week before she died."

John's words were fact. Bates came charging in hours later with a squad of marines and Doctor Beckett on his heels. Both John and Rodney were loaded up onto stretchers and placed in a Puddle Jumper. Neither man was more than acutely aware of his situation as the Jumper flew back through the Stargate, back to Atlantis.

The diagnosis was exposure to a harsh element, dehydration, heat sickness and the beginnings of heat exhaustion on Rodney's part. Beckett treated his patients and friends with care, and released them days after their appearance in the Infirmary.

Rodney was lounging on his bed the morning after his discharge, wholly participating in Beckett's enforced twenty-four hour mandatory bed rest, when his door chimed. He ignored the sound, turning the next page in his book. Then only when it chimed louder and longer did Rodney reach for his bookmark. The tone and length of the chimes told Rodney one very important thing. John Sheppard was on the other side of the door and he was using his gene to manipulate the city's chime system. However, it also meant John was out of his bed which posed an interesting situation to Rodney. The longer the Colonel stood outside he risked being spotted, and if Beckett found out John was out of bed, the man was surely in for a nasty round of enemas.

The moments of weakness were coming a bit too frequently for Rodney.

John tumbled into the room when Rodney thought the door open, sparing his friend the embarrassment of being caught.

"Christ, Rodney," John snapped, steadying himself. "You knew it was me."

Rodney raised an eyebrow. "Precisely the reason I didn't want you in my room." Despite his aches, Rodney scooted backwards on his bed towards the headboard and tucked his feet to the side. He gestured for John to sit on his bed. "You're out of bed and risking the wrath of Carson. If he catches you breaking your word, that's your problem, but if he finds you with me, in my room, I'm in the same sinking boat as you. I'll be damned if you drown me."

John plopped down on Rodney's bed. He tapped the top of Rodney's book. "You're already damned."

"Hey," Rodney bit, "It's was the only book open for trade on Tuesday. It isn't like I can hop on over to Barnes and Noble to pick up a new book." For a moment his mind drifted to what he'd rather be reading, but Zelenka was sworn by pain of death by Carson Beckett not to let any of the laptops out of his sight for the next few days. "Plus, Garbe tells me you gave up on 'War and Peace' and tried to bum this very book off him a couple months ago."

"I'll just borrow it from you," John said, nudging the worn copy of Harry Potter towards Rodney who took it off the bed and set it on his bedside table.

"So?" The Colonel inquired.

The friends sat in their pajamas, matching white socks and fuzzy blue slippers on their feet.

"Sewing is for good little housewives. Do I look like a good little housewife?"

John pondered, scratching at his chin. He squinted his eyes and tilted his head.

"So what?" Rodney prompted.

"Did you, you know, get it all out?"

Rodney huffed. "Get what all out? As much as I enjoy playing these games with you, I'm in no mood, as my coffee has been cut, I've lost my laptop and I'm confined to my room. Oh, and did the little fact that I'm hiding a wanted criminal in my room slip past you?"

"I'm not wanted." John stopped to smile. "Well, I'm wanted, but not--"

"Not in the way I want to hear about." Rodney curled his fingers around a glass of water and took a long drink. "You're wanted by Carson, or you will be as soon as he finds out you've escaped from your room and ventured on down to mine. As much as I probably should be flattered by your choice of destination, I'm only mildly amused at the thought of being dragged back to the Infirmary and Carson's evil drugs." His mouth hung open in surprise as John snatched the cool water from him and proceeded to take a drink. "Which leads me back to my previous question of so what."

John offered the glass of water back to Rodney who promptly gagged at the thought of drinking John Sheppard contaminated water.

Finally John relented, "Did your little Astrophysicist work out his problems?"

Rodney's eyes darted down to his lap and then back up to the smirking face of his friend. "I'll have you know my little Astrophysicist doesn't have any problems."

"My limited amount of brain cells might have been frying and blinking out of existence in that sweat shack, Rodney, but I'd have to be a moron not to recognize the sex tension you reeked of. Hell, you wanted to sleep with me."

"I was mentally incapacitated at the time. If you'll recall, we were about to overheat in a very nasty way and die."

John reached forward to thread his fingers through Rodney's. "You were mentally capacitated enough to talk me into sex, but obviously physically incapable of it."

"I can't believe I had to talk you into it. You're the walking sex machine. You'd hump a chair."

The Colonel scooted forward on the bed.

"We can't all have my level of stamina."

"Or your excessive hormone count."

"I've never had any complaints."

"You've never had any modesty either, apparently."

By the time John stopped scooting he was braced against the headboard, sitting next to Rodney. He drew their linked fingers over to rest on his thigh.

"I meant what I said in that sweat hut, Rodney." John regarded his friend. "I am sorry I didn't check out the planet before I let you and the other kids go play."

Rodney took his free hand and patted John on the head. "So what did little Johnny learn?"

"To leave my head geek at home unless I know the location of a ZPM?"

"If I had a treat, you'd most certainly get it at this very moment."

Rodney shook his fingers free of John's grasp. "What're you doing here?"

He probably should have asked John that at the very moment he tumbled into the room, but John simply had a way about him that made people forget what they were going to say, present company included. Lately it seemed to Rodney that John merely needed to acknowledge his existence. His squashed feelings for John that ran deeper than that of a friend had certainly come to a conclusion in that hut when he asked John to have sex with him. Thankfully he could brush that small glitch in his normal stiff façade off to heat exhaustion.

"I was bored in my room."

Dear Lord, Rodney couldn't even look at John when he was doing the lip thing.

"So you decided to come bug me."

"Come on, how far were you really into Harry Potter? Tell me with a straight face that you can stomach that book and I'll leave right now."

"It has potential," Rodney argued. "It's pretty horrible but those Slytherins have the right idea. That Draco Malfoy is going places."

John rolled his eyes. "Right to Azkaban."

"At least Malfoy has an entertainment factor. Look at Harry Potter. The kid spends his days whining and moaning about everything."

"Yeah, I do recall that. That character really reminded me of you Rodney. Maybe that's why I stopped reading."

While Rodney was enjoying the chilly morning weather more than he had ever thought possible before his little stay in the hut, even he could admit when he shivered. With a pointed look to John he said, "I'll let you know when Voldemort knocks off that brat and takes over." Then he slid under his blankets, John mimicking his moments.

"I also came to see if you wanted to have sex with me yet."

Rodney sputtered as he and John squeezed onto his small, twin sized bed. "What?"

"You did try to persuade me to have sex with you pretty hard."

"We just when through this. I was impaired by the heat."

John shook a finger at him. "Nice try, McKay. When you sprung that little diddy on me we hadn't been in there long enough for your brain to melt."

"Anyway," Rodney stressed, "I still don't."

"And why not?" John questioned. He slid his hand across Rodney's chest to rest on a shoulder.

Rodney asked him, "Remember when we talked about what would happen if you instigated a bad touch?"

"Vaguely." John rubbed his hand over the tense shoulder. "Feeling hungry?"

"Why do you want to have sex with me?"

Rodney held still as John shifted towards him.

"Why did you want to have sex with me first?" John responded.

"This sexual tension you spoke of earlier--"Rodney stuttered.

John's feet tangled with Rodney's. "What about it?"

"I get it now."

"So would your little Astrophysicist be angry if my little Colonel visited?"

Rodney ripped the blankets over their heads and settled in for the ride.

Carson Beckett flew from the infirmary like a bat out of hell. The chatter in his earpiece told him an unsuspecting Marine had been witness to John walking the halls in his night clothing. Carson's white coat bellowed after him as he stormed through the halls, towards the nearest transporter and eventually to Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard's personal quarters. Enraged that his strict orders had been broken he headed off towards the only logical place John could have gone.

Rodney's door slid open silently and Carson gained a once in a lifetime glimpse at his friends. He paused in the doorway, eyes taking in the sight of the two men wrapped together on Rodney's small bed.

A warm smile broke out over his face and he tapped his radio, allowing the doors to close. "Elizabeth?" He asked, walking the corridor back to his infirmary. "Put bigger beds on the important list, lass."