UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares
by
Shane Smith with a foreword by Lammy Page
Hello, to whom may read this piece of crap that TGIE wrote in about many days, this is Lammy from UmJammer Lammy. I must confess that my real name is Lammy Page, and the daughter of Jimmy Page, that guy who wrote "Stairway to Heaven". I also live with my mom, who married Jimmy Page in the 1980s and she had me when "Stairway To Heaven" got its last airplay on the radio. I carefully studied the song in its forms: Backwards and Forwards. I even became a follower of Satan for a short time in the 90s after hearing that smorgasbord of Satan in my dad's song, then I found Katy Kat in high school and she taught me to be myself, not another person, and that's when I started to discover my dad's secret. I even hung out with the bassist of Queen and sang something about marijuana in a song about machine guns. I also started my alcohol binge and almost died on a tour when I fainted while trying to play "Township Rebellion" by Rage Against The Machine. I also tried to commit suicide several times in my life, because Robby killed my real dad...
(Cut to Lammy in the car, waking up with just her underwear and bra on)
Lammy: Oh, gosh. Why am I in the car?
(Cut to Katy Kat, who is driving the car)
Katy Kat: Lammy, we just met 2 days ago. What more would you expect?
(Cut back to Lammy, who is dressing)
Lammy: I would be in a bus heading to Capitol City right now!
(Cut back Katy Kat, who is sipping coffee)
Katy Kat: But you forgot to sign up!
(Cut back to Lammy, who is putting on her shoes)
Lammy: I did sign up, and that was to see my dad and his friend in concert!
(Cut back to Katy Kat, who is turning on the interstate)
Katy Kat: Lammy, I remember that you didn't sign up to see your dad in concert because you were drunk by doing your homework too much! Isn't that right, Ma-San?
(Cut to Ma-San, who is in the back listening to her iPod)
Ma-San: (Yeah, that's right.)
(Cut back to Lammy, who is putting hair gel on her hair)
Lammy: Hey! You remind me of my dad's friend!
Katy Kat: No, I don't!
(Cut to the car driving to a Holiday Inn Express)
Katy Kay: Lammy, here's our stop!
Lammy: We're stopping already!
Katy Kat: Yeah, I guess so. What about you, Ma-San?
Ma-San: (Yes, Katy Kat. We're here. Now to go to that steakhouse!)
(Ma-San gets out of the car and runs to a Outback Steakhouse)
Katy Kay: Hey, Ma-San! Wait for us!
Lammy: Don't forget me!
(Katy Kat and Lammy run out of the car to the Outback Steakhouse)
Katy Kat: I bet I can beat you to the Outback Steakhouse before you!
Lammy: Yeah right, Katy! I'm going to beat you because lambs run fast!
(Inside the Outback Steakhouse, the girls are at a booth talking)
Lammy: What should we play at our next gig?
Katy Kat: How about a collection of Led Zeppelin songs?
Lammy: Yeah, that sound's good.
(Suddenly, a waiter comes up)
Waiter: Welcome to Outback Steakhouse, No Rules, Just Right. What do you want to drink?
Lammy: I'll have a Mr. Pibb.
Waiter: I got that down.
Katy Kat: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Waiter: Got that down, health nut.
Ma-San: (I'll have a Coke.)
Waiter: Got that down, Ms. I-Can't-Speak-Good. What do you want to eat?
Lammy: I'll have a Aussie Sirloin with tossed salad and Aussie Chips.
Katy Kat: I'll have that Shrimp on the Barbie, please.
(Suddenly, a voice is heard)
Jake: I heard that, Katy Kat!
Ma-San: (I'll have a straight steak with lesbian fries, please.)
Waiter: Okay. Got those orders done, because the other people in your party are here right now.
(Suddenly, PaRappa, Sunny Funny, PJ Berri, Rodney Alan Greenblat, Rammy, and Zach de la Rocha come to the booth)
Lammy: Woah. I didn't know that we had that big of a party.
Waiter: That's not all. The other Rage Against The Machine members are coming right now.
(Suddenly, Tom Morello, Brad Wilk, and Tim Cummerford come to the table)
Lammy: Oh, dear. Now that's a lot of money to spend.
Tom: Welcome to the club.
(50 minutes later, the gang are done eating their food)
PJ Berri: Oops! Gotta go to my DJ party!
(PJ Berri leaves, while the others stick around)
Lammy: Rodney, I have this problem. Can you solve it?
Rodney: What in the heck do you think I am? RuPaul!
(Rodney leaves quickly, along with Rage Against The Machine)
Lammy: Wow. He really is a crap-sack!
Katy Kat: Lammy, why don't you go back to the hotel room?
(Lammy is getting tired)
Lammy: Not now, Katy.
Katy Kat: Lammy! Go back to the hotel!
(Lammy is more tired)
Lammy: Sure. Just 5 more minutes, Mommy.
Katy Kat: LAMMY! DO YOU HEAR ME!
(Lammy falls down and goes to sleep)
Katy Kat: Okay. That's it. I'm taking you back to the hotel room!
(Katy Kat brings Lammy back to the hotel and goes inside)
Hotel Clerk: What room, sir?
Katy Kat: The fancy room, and I'm not a "sir"!
(Five minutes later, in Lammy's dream, Lammy is roaming around a field of flowers)
Lammy: I'm happy again!
(Suddenly, Robert Plant comes up and takes off her shirt, pants, and shoes, only leaving her in her bra and underwear)
Robert Plant: You shall duel me!
Lammy: I shall not! I can sing better than you!
Robert Plant: No, you can't!
(Robert Plant hits Lammy so hard, she dies in her dram, but not in real life)
Lammy: I'll get you, Robby.
Robert Plant: Next time, Lammy. Next time.
(Lammy wakes up at 7:00 am in Katy's bed kissing Katy Kat)
Lammy: (thinking) Oh, god. What is wrong with me?
(Katy Kat wakes up to find Lammy kissing her)
Katy Kat: What the crap is going on here?
Lammy: Very bad dream I had.
Katy Kat: Well, go get dressed and get out of my room!
(Lammy gets dressed and goes out of Katy's room, grabbing her guitar, plucking the first few notes of Alice In Chains' "Rooster")
Alice In Chains-Rooster-Dirt-Jerry Cantrell/Layne Staley
Ain't found a way to kill me yet,
My eyes burn with stinging sweat,
Seems every path leads me to nowhere, mmm...
Wife and kids, household pet,
Army green was no safe bet,
The bullets scream to me from somewhere, mmm...
(Lammy plugs her guitar into an amplifier she's sitting on)
Refrain: Here they come to snuff the rooster.
Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.
You know he ain't gonna die.
No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.
Here they come to snuff the rooster.
Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.
You know he ain't gonna die.
No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.
(Lammy starts getting tears in her eyes)
Walkin' tall machine gun men,
They spit on me in my homeland.
Gloria sent me pictures of my boy, Mmm...
Got my pills 'gainst mosquito death.
My buddy's breathing his dying breath.
Oh, God. Please won't you help me make it through?
(Katy Kat comes to Lammy)
Katy Kat: I'm sorry, Lammy. I didn't know that you wrote a song by Alice In Chains!
Lammy: Shut up right now. I'm singing.
(Lammy hugs Katy Kat)
Refrain: Here they come to snuff the rooster.
Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.
You know he ain't gonna die.
No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.
(Lammy starts performing the instrumental)
Katy Kat: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you were lesbian!
Lammy: I'm not lesbian, and I didn't write this song. It's on my iPod and in my CD player.
Katy Kat: Okay. When did you first hear this song?
Lammy: Remember when I had the flu back in '93?
Katy Kat: Yeah.
Lammy: That's when I heard the song and watched the video for it, also.
Katy Kat: Will Layne Staley be in your dreams since he died 3 years ago?
Lammy: Yes, Katy Kat.
(Lammy starts singing)
Refrain: Here they come to snuff the rooster.
Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.
You know he ain't gonna die.
No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.
You know he ain't gonna die...
You know he ain't gonna die...
(Lammy gets done with the song)
Lammy: I just expressed my feelings.
Katy Kat: Yeah, in a song about Vietnam. Now let's go...eat!
Lammy: As I soon get dressed.
(Lammy goes in the bathroom and comes out in a red shirt with a black star on it, tattered blue jeans, and Converses)
Katy Kat: Where's Ma-san?
(Ma-san comes in with bling on)
Ma-san: (I'm da bling master, Katy Kat!)
(Katy Kat and Lammy run downstairs)
Ma-san: (What! Nobody likes my bling?)
(At IHOP, Lammy and Katy Kat have already ate and look like pregnant teenagers)
Lammy: Boy, I'm stuffed!
Katy Kat: Sure am I. I look like I'm pregnant!
Lammy: Don't worry. It's happened to me before.
(Lammy turns her head to see a Playboy model almost naked, but with a shirt on)
Lammy: Hey, Miss Hefner! No shoes, no pants, no service!
Playboy Model: What! I'm making IHOP Waitress at Oh. But get out of our sight, and take off your shoes and socks in front of that guy.
Playboy Model: Okay, Quagmire.
(The Playboy model shoes her bare feet to Lammy and Katy Kat)
Lammy: I'm not eating here again!
(Lammy and Katy Kat leave the restaurant fast, toppling the webcam)
Playboy Model: Crap...
(In the tour bus, Lammy is listening to Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust")
Lammy: Is this music great or what?
Katy Kat: It isn't great! Right, Ma-san?
Ma-san: (Change the music, crap-for-brains!)
(Katy Kat ejects the Queen CD and puts in Led Zeppelin's "ZOSO")
Katy Kat: Now is this music great?
Lammy: No. It makes me...sleep...Katy...
(Katy Kat brings Lammy into her bedroom, while Lammy is hhaving the same dream from last night)
Lammy: "Katy Kat" turned on me, Robert Plant. Now I'll kill you!
(Lammy gets her guitar and hits Ma-san on the head 57 times)
Ma-san: (Katy Kat!)
(Katy Kat comes over, really drunk on margaritas)
Katy Kat: Let me guess. Lammy's beating you up with just her underwear and bra on?
Ma-san: (Got that right. She has night terrors.)
Katy Kat: Hey! I thought those were in kids only!
(The tour bus crashes into a Stuckey's)
Katy Kat: Oh, crap.
(Inside the Stuckey's, Lammy wakes up, holding onto a bottle of cola)
Lammy: Where am I?
Katy Kat: Lammy, we're at a Stuckey's all because of you!
Lammy: So, how am I going to be punished?
Katy Kat: A seizure!
Lammy: No!
(to be continued)