When the Chancellor falls, he does not feel pride or the rush of victory that often overwhelmed him during battle. Instead he is on his knees and sobbing over the body. Windu places a hand on his shoulder and lets him.
"The Council will not forget this, Skywalker," the Jedi Master says, "They will be proud— I am proud of you."
"Padmé," is all Anakin can whisper, all he can think as he stares at the Chancellor body and sees her in its place.
He can feel Windu's hand tense, but he doesn't say a thing.
.
He returns to her apartment with the smell of the Chancellors singed flesh still on his robes. The Council knows about them, about the baby, but he does not feel relieved. He remembers being a slave and when the masters would come for the children, so he clings to Padmé and she pets his hair and presses kisses to his feverish skin.
.
The twins are born a week later.
Anakin is holding Luke when Obi-Wan and Windu arrive at the medcenter. Padmé does not cry when Obi-Wan takes Leia from her arms, and her eyes flutter shut when she presses a kiss to Luke's forehead.
When the door shuts ("You have five minutes, Skywalker"), two tears roll down her cheeks. Anakin wraps his arms around her, it is a small comfort to have her heart beating against his.
"It's better this way," Padmé says, convincing herself.
He doesn't say anything and kisses her.
.
Obi-Wan is waiting in his quarters when he returns.
"I'm so sorry, Anakin."
Anakin sits down on his bed and does not look at his old master. Anger boils inside him and he struggles to contain it. It quickly gives way to the empty, heartbroken feeling he had become so familiar with.
"I want you to know, that I'm on your side," Obi-Wan continues.
Anakin still does not reply and blinks the hot tears out of his eyes.
"They're beautiful children. I'm sorry."
Obi-Wan leaves.
.
He does not see Padmé. He watches her on the HoloNet, sees through the makeup, at the barely concealed circles under her eyes, like bruises, and the hollowness of her face. She is not well.
Neither is he.
Anakin does not think he has ever loved her as much as he does right now, as he watches her fight and carry on. She is strong, so much stronger than he is, but he can see the cracks, can see how she is about to fall apart and he is so desperate to hold her again.
He keeps his distance. He's good at that now.
.
"The Council is pleased with you," Obi-Wan tells him, months later.
"Why's that?" Anakin doesn't look his old master in the eye anymore.
"You know why," Obi-Wan's voice is tired, everyone is so tired, with the war dragging on and on.
The war is not battles now, it's paperwork and treaties and it's so close to being over. He can taste the closeness and is frustrated when it still stretches the days into weeks into months until it will all be over.
You know why.
Tears swell in his eyes and he ducks his head to hide them.
"You don't know what it's like, Master," his voice cracks, "I can feel them, in my mind, they want her, they don't know where she's gone…. where I've gone."
"Oh, Anakin," Obi-Wan places a hand on his shoulder, "You'll get through this."
"For what?" he's so close to shouting now, "So one day, our bond will be buried until we can't find it? For my children to forget-" his stomach clenches "-to forget their mother?"
"This must be so hard for you, but it's the path you've chosen, the path that Padmé chose."
Anakin wants to retch, it sounds so heartless, but he knows it's true. He hates himself for it. Things were supposed to be better this way. Weren't they?
"I think they may grant you the rank of Master soon," confides Obi-Wan.
.
This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker…this is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker…this is how it feel to be Anakin Skywalker…
Anakin Skywalker doesn't feel anymore.
.
edit: forgot to mention! this is kind of a prequel to chapter 1 of my on going one-shot collection, Astra Inclinant. it's happier than this.