Hogwarts, A Comedy (of sorts)
Summary: Based on Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx's Avenue Q. Draco, Harry, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors face normal life and all its problems during their last year at Hogwarts.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I own Avenue Q (even though it would be super cool if I did…) Oh, and all songs are from Avenue Q, in case you didn't figure that out on your own.
Chapter 1:
Draco Malfoy set the letter on his bed, sighing. It was becoming almost a daily event, receiving letters from his father about joining Voldemort, or, as Lucius put it, "the most noble order which you are destined to become a part of." Draco had known all these years that Lucius would "encourage" him to join the Death Eaters, but it was not until this year that he realized that it wasn't what he wanted to do. Then again, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Maybe something…
"Oh, it's just so hard!" Draco burst out, feeling frustrated. "I mean, what am I supposed to do? Everyone expects something out of me, and none of it is the same! Argh!" He let out a scream of frustration.
"Uh, uh, hey Malfoy, you okay in here?" Goyle spoke, opening the door of the dormitory. God, he sounded like such an idiot.
"Yes, Goyle, I'm perfectly fine," Draco said, annoyed. "Now, did I say you could come in here? Get out!"
Up in Gryffindor Tower, Ron Weasley was having problems of his own. Ever since he started dating Hermione, she seemed… even more naggy (is that even a word?). It wasn't like she wasn't nagging him before they started dating, but at least back at that time he had Harry to deal with her also. But now… it just seemed constant, and solely focused on him. He loved Hermione and everything, but sometimes he wanted to scream at her, "Shut up!". He let out a sigh as Ginny walked down the stairs from the girls' dormitory.
"Morning, Ron," she said brightly, seeing her brother lounging in a chair.
"Hi, Ginny," Ron spoke dejectedly.
"Aww, what's the matter?"
"Hermione," Ron stated flatly.
"But I thought…" Ginny started, but trailed off.
"Yeah," Ron said. "I mean, Hermione's great and everything and I love her, but… she's just so annoying sometimes! We'll be doing something peaceful or pleasant, like playing chess, and then she'll start nagging me! I mean, there's only so much a guy can take before… snap! Ahh, I guess it just sucks to be me."
"No!" Ginny said, attempting to console Ron.
"Yeah, it does."
"No!"
"It sucks to have a wonderful girlfriend and then have her constantly annoy you!" Ron exclaimed.
"You really think your life sucks?" Ginny asked skeptically. Ron nodded. "Well, your problems aren't so bad."
I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.
I like romantic things like music and art!
And as you know I have a gigantic heart,
So, why don't I have a boyfriend?
Fuck! It sucks to be me!
"Well, it sucks to be me, too," Ron said. "And besides, that's really not even a big problem! Mine is much worse."
At that moment, Dean and Seamus walked down the stairs from the boys' dormitory.
"What's going on down here?" Dean asked. "I heard loud voices."
Ron smiled, seeing an end to his dispute with his sister. "Hey Dean, Seamus, can you help us with something? Whose life sucks more- Ginny's or mine?"
Dean and Seamus looked at each other and snorted. "Ours!" they shouted.
We live together
We're close as people can get
We've been the best of buddies
Ever since the day we met.
So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset!
Oh, every day is an aggrivation
Come on, that's an exaggeration!
You leave your clothes out,
You put your feet on my chair
Oh yeah? You do such anal things
Like ironing your underwear.
"You make living in that dorm a hell!" Seamus shouted, agitated.
"Well, so do you!" Dean retorted. "It's like I'm in hell too! Man, it sucks to be me."
Hermione emerged from the entrance to the girls' dormitories, looking scandalized.
"Oh great," Ron muttered. "Here comes another one to join the party."
"What on earth is going on down here?" Hermione questioned, clearly upset. "It sounds like you're trying to wake up the entire tower! I mean, come on, what could be so darn important that you have to shout about it early in the morning?"
"Oh, not much, just talking about whose life sucks more," stated Dean.
"You think your life sucks?" Hermione exclaimed incredulously. "Ha! Let's see… so, I'm stuck dating Ron, who is so sweet but can be a complete idiot," Ron let out a cry of indignation, "I have all the duties of being Head Girl, and I have to prepare for N.E.W.T.s in 10 subjects, plus prepare Harry and Ron, because they'll never get anything done on their own. I think that's got to suck more than anything you all have to deal with."
A shy little first year, who had been casually sitting by the group, now sat staring at them, as though under the Full Body Bind.
"Hey, Harry!" Ginny shouted up the stairs. "Got a frozen first year down here!"
Harry walked down the stairs and was spotted by the first year, who became even more frozen, if that was even possible. "Oh my God, you're Harry Potter!" the kid exclaimed, beginning to overcome his shock.
"Yes, I am," smiled Harry. He had overheard the group's huge "conversation" (more like argument), and decided to end the whole thing. "So, everyone knows who I am, of course. And why? Oh, you know, only because my parents were killed and I managed to live. And of course, my life gets threatened constantly, I'm stuck living with my awful, horrible relatives, and, oh yeah, my godfather just died. Plus, I have to worry about taking all my N.E.W.T.s this year. But, I'm still here with everyone at Hogwarts!" There was a hush of silence, then…
"Wow, it sucks to be you!" Dean exclaimed.
"You win," Ginny said.
"Yeah, it definitely sucks to be you," added Seamus.
"I feel better now," Ron sighed.
"Try having to walk around with people constantly staring at your forehead and gawking! It gets old."
"It sucks to be you!" everyone chorused.
"Yeah, I know," Harry said. "So, why are we talking about this?'
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