A/N: Welcome :)
This is a slightly depressing fanfic that I'm partially making up as I go along. It's predominently set in S7 of BTVS, there will be some Angel characters popping up, but they don't necessarily follow the timeline.
- I'm trying to do an original storyline to what I've read before. So forgive if it's strange or confusing.
- Apologies if I steal anything accidentally, I've pretty much read all of the W/T fanfic on here, so at some point I'm bound to write something that someone has written elsewhere. If it uberly offends you, gimme a shout.
- Please be warned that Tara will not appear until later on in the fic.
- Story will contain some adulty stuff and language. Hence the M rating.
- Storyline will require a little build up, so it might be slow
- Characters will have non-canon relationships
- This is my first fanfic, so forgive if it's not written well
- I have no beta, so ignore any typo's. If my grammar or spelling is majorly incorrect, then please send me a PM and I'll change it :)

Disclaimer: Everyone seems to put one of these in. Even though it seems obvious on a site called 'fanfiction' that I'm not being paid, I am just a fan... Writing fiction... But nonetheless...
I do not own, have ever owned, or will ever own any characters related to the Whedonverse. They all belong to the wonderful Joss Whedon of Mutant Enemy and co.
Joss is a television God and I bow down to his awesomeness, in the process of bowing I also steal his characters and write about them.

Reviews: Pretty pretty please :) Would love to know what you think, what you dislike, if you sobbed like a baby lol... Please do take the time.

Enough of that, let's crack on... :)

Chapter 1: Goodbye

Willow placed the note on her bedside table and laid her head to rest on the pillow. The concoction of pills she had taken were starting to take effect and she was beginning to regret not eating properly, all she could taste was bile and chemicals.

She took another swig of vodka in the hope that it would rid the horrible taste in her mouth but it just made her cough. It was surprising really, after the death of her girlfriend she had taken to drinking alcohol straight from the bottle often, normally she held her nose to lessen the taste, but it just seemed pointless now.

Pretty much her only thoughts were to not throw up, or think about throwing up, and how long these damn pills would take to kick in.

She had lasted a year without Tara, it had been 366 days since her girlfriends body went limp in her arms, and everyone said the pain would lessen and she would learn to move on, but it was impossible.

Everyday she just seemed to get worse and worse and melted into almost catatonic pessimism, and she quite frankly, had just had enough. She was fed up of the nightmares and the empty feeling that she held inside herself.

Once Tara's soul had left this plane, Willow was certain that hers had as well, all it left was a great big unfillable hole and the shell of a person who used to have it all.

"God I miss you so much baby." She whispered to the ceiling.

Her eyes squeezed tight but Willow had lost the ability to cry anymore, she had cried until she was dehydrated and forced to sleep off migraines, but now, she could not shed one single tear.

She was no longer fuelled by revenge or grief, she was just numb, and it had to end.

Willow clutched her chest as she felt a deep pain inside, it felt like her lungs were ripping open with every breath and it made it difficult to breathe.

Her panic overcame the pain when she realised that she didn't have a photo of Tara to hand, she moved as quickly as her body would allow and gripped the chair to avoid toppling over.

After balancing herself for just a few seconds she leaned over to pick up her favourite photo of Tara.

Buffy and the others had tried their hardest to hide all of Tara's belongings to prevent constant reminders, but Willow had found them and gradually brought back item by item that she wondered how she ever lived without before.

She laid herself back on the bed and held her photo above her head, Tara was looking down on her and smiling.

It was snapped at the beach, Tara was oblivious to the photo being taken as she was too lost staring at Willow from a distance, the love in her eyes and the side smile reserved for Willow were clearly evident. She looked so beautiful and happy.

"I'll be with you soon my love." Willow rubbed her finger along Tara's hair before bringing the photo down to her lips and placing a kiss.

She turned on her side and gripped a pillow tightly to her chest, she hoped it would stop the pain, but it didn't make any difference, she placed Tara's photo on her pillow and stared at her.

She wondered how she should pass her last few minutes, and considered a prayer but was unsure what she believed in anymore. It wasn't the religious side of Wicca and it wasn't Judaism.

There had only ever been one thing she had known and believed in above all else. And that thing had been stolen from her, her thoughts reverted back to the photograph and she let out a sigh.

She knew what she could do for the last few minutes, it wasn't quite a prayer but it was close enough. The silence was replaced by a croaky whisper attempting to sing...

'It doesn't hurt me
You want to feel how it feels
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me
You want to hear about the deal I'm making
You... You and me
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places'

Willow never knew this song before Tara, but Tara had once mentioned that Willows heartbeat always reminded her of the song. After that, it had become a comforting reminder that the redheads beat still played even after she was bruised and beaten by demons.

Tara would cuddle Willow and listen to her lover's chest while softly singing into her skin, of course this was usually mixed in with tearing eyes and small sobs.

It wasn't one of the happiest memories Willow held of Tara, but it was one that reminded her she was once loved by the most amazing person.

'Come on baby, come on darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
Come on angel, come on, come on darling
Let's exchange the experience
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places'

The pills were starting to take effect and Willow could no longer control her voice enough to keep singing out loud, nor could she keep her heavy eyelids open for much longer, she just about managed to repeat the words in her head whilst picturing her beautiful Tara.

A small smile crept across her face as she felt her body floating and she sunk into unconsciousness.

A/N 2: The lyrics are from 'Running up that hill - Placebo'
Unfortunately I don't own this song or any rights to it, but it is pretty. Go check it out if you haven't heard
it.