A/N1: The story will unravel into similarly constructed thing as The way to fix it or Wordless, i.e. two separate POV's first and a follow-up later - but, as my urge to write strikes me at odd times, nothing's ever granted, no publication dates planned. As usual, please enjoy anyway; comments and suggestions muchly appreciated:3
New type of nightmares appears suddenly. Unlike her usual ones, new dreams aren't scary or gruesome at all, yet are still disturbing, in their own way. Jyn suspects that the sense of relative safety within Rebellion has slowly replaced one thing with the other. Images of war, of fear and blood, of unsure here and now had turned to something entirely else: vision of things she possibly could wish for own future, love and tenderness of someday, one day. After first couple of times, Jyn really had wanted the dreams to become more explicit, even pornographic. She knows a thing or two about the need to unwind, about the need to seek out for a quick physical release. She knows how to handle them. But those? Night after night, she wakes up aching for more. She is sleeping less than ever, less even than in Wobani or right after Scarif. This way she's trying hard to avoid dreaming about things she needs to forget about, things taken away from her forever. Jyn refuses to indulge into a world of imaginary pleasures, but the lingering memories are hard to ignore, so she sleeps less and less - and suffers more and more.
All the dreams are absolutely identical: she finds herself in an embrace. It's not a hostile, violent hold, not something out of the battlefield. It's a delicate, careful touch of friendly and trusted arms, hug of a lover. The situation itself somehow is not confusing at all, quite the opposite - feels perfectly natural, even though Jyn doesn't recognize the person clutching her. No, the most confusing part is the lack of lust or heat between her and the man the body belongs to. What she feels is just an enormous calm, safety and happiness in the arms of a person, who apparently treats her as fragile and precious. The other confusing thing is what each and every time kicks her back to reality: a sound. And it's not one of soft whispers in a warm voice, the words on the verge of comprehension, but something that escapes her own throat. In her dreams, Jyn reacts to every dozen of feather-light kisses her phantom lover pecks all over her arm, then neck, then side of face, then top of her head: she giggles after each kisses series, makes tiny silly shy sounds that - oddly - seem to encourage the man. And then the sheer bliss reaches the peak when he acts even more sappy by kissing the tip of her nose, and she laughs out loud, and the foggy scene ends abruptly. This unfamiliar noise, this carefree laughter, is waking her up every single time. Jyn had wanted to recall the features of her phantom lover, but to no avail. She gives up after numerous tries, when the understanding finally dawns on her. The nameless figure is probably just a mean to make her realize she's a victim to touch starvation: subconscious yet physically painful longing for closeness of a trusted, very special living being.
She doesn't notice the clearly worried look that Cassian gives her whenever they meet. She doesn't notice how carefully he inspects her gradually more tired face and deeper shadows under the eyes. She does notice however, that he probably has some new issues on his own, as he looks as if he hasn't been sleeping too well recently either. But she won't ask. As much as she would like to help, Jyn's afraid that Cassian might just deflect the question, demand the answer from her instead. She trusts him with all her might, but such weakness, such stupid vulnerability, this is just too much to admit. She won't allow him to look at her as a burden, a mentally unstable liability. No, she'll endure the torment in silence. She always does.
A/N2: Came to me during a long train trip to a music festival; Chapter 1 written down on the train back home, Chapter 2 around a week later.
Everything else - when it comes, it comes. Can't promise regular updates, sorry.
Used to have similar dreams - now not even dreams have anything good to offer anymore though.