Rachel Berry wasn't who everyone thought she was. On the surface maybe, she knew that everyone saw her as a slight diva that wouldn't let anyone or anything get in the way of her dreams. She knew people found her slightly obnoxious at times, particularly when it came to her manner of speaking. But still they knew nothing about the real Rachel Berry. The girl who cries herself to sleep at night, the girl that goes hungry, the girl that had taken to living in long sleeve argyle sweaters to hide the slash marks she bore.
It started after the first ice cold slushie hit her square in the face making her entire body sting and ache, partly due to embarrassment. After that very first incident she'd made it a habit to carry a bag of 'clean up' supplies so she was prepared after any attacks, it had been in her locker for the past year getting used around 3 times a week. She thought she was growing used to it, she had the clean up routine down to 10 minutes and none of the teachers ever questioned her for quietly slipping into the classroom late often with slightly wet hair. But one Friday night, Rachel Berry cracked.
She'd uploaded her daily myspace video and tried to convince herself that the spiteful comments she got were purely out of jealousy and lack of understanding for such drive and ambition. She'd trained herself to not let the comments get her down, after all cheerleaders were hardly known for being kind understanding people. It was when she saw a comment about her nose that she broke down; Rachel had been sensitive about it since the first grade when she'd noticed that hers seemed slightly bigger than the other girls.
She locked herself in her bathroom sinking to the ground, her insides churning. She gritted her teeth as her tears cascaded onto the tiles around her; she clenched her fists so hard her knuckles turned an unrecognizable shade of white. With a sigh she stood to her feet looking at herself in the mirror, she was disgusted with what stared back at her. She felt bile in her throat as she critiqued her every feature. From the slight blemish on her forehead, to that nose, her small breasts to her stomach that was just never small enough.
Her mind was screaming obscene and derogatory comments at her; she didn't realize what she was doing until she saw the scissors in her hand. Her hands trembled and her stomach burned, release was what she needed. She felt free as she dug into her arm, it was brief but she felt drunk at the amount of freedom she felt as she moved again and again until her arm was a bloody mess. She hadn't meant to get so carried away but she took it in her stride. She cleaned off the scissors putting them away so she'd know where they were. Then she took care of her arm, she cleaned up the blood and gritted her teeth at the sting of antiseptic liquid. 3 angry marks stood out on her delicate arm, the next morning was the start of the long sleeved sweaters.
After a few months Rachel had gotten slightly addicted to the high that came from hurting herself. It wasn't even confined to her home, when she was in school and she felt the anxiety building up in her chest she'd sink her nails into her nails until she was left looking like she'd been clawed like an animal. She'd cut in the school bathroom when she'd gotten embarrassed in the cafeteria, using the blade from her pencil sharpener. Rachel Berry was truly out of control, and nobody had a clue.
She kept on singing, her drive didn't falter and neither did the false smile that she plastered on her face until she thought her jaw was literally going to fall off from aching so much. The slushies continued though the nicknames seemed to have lessened now there were three Cheerios in the Glee Club.
It was in the midst of this that Rachel started to have feelings for someone she never thought she would've. One blonde cheerleader, Quinn Fabray. Quinn hadn't been the nicest of people, she'd penned a few of the myspace comments and derogatory nicknames but that was the most of it. And since joining Glee she'd definitely seemed a lot nicer, softer perhaps.
It was after Rachel had sang an amazing rendition of Christina Aguilera's Fighter that Quinn offered her a half smile from where she was sat, the petite diva felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach. From that moment on she knew she had it bad, she'd of done anything to see that half smile again. But come on, she was Quinn Fabray and she was just 'Berry'. Rachel's self disgust grew along with her growing feelings as did the amount of scarring adorning her arms.
For competitions, they wore dresses. Rachel had tried to protest this but she'd been outnumbered and teased with comments towards her array of sweaters. So she found a cream that she could apply to her scars to mask them, it worked perfectly as she found a shade similar to her skin tone. No one was any the wiser. She'd been getting away with it for 6 months before the problems started.
The weather was becoming hotter and hotter as the days went by, it definitely wasn't sweater weather. Her dads talked to her about it first, she insisted she was comfortable so all they could do was shrug and let it go. They weren't against Rachel getting her own way. But she really wasn't comfortable. The heat made the argyle stick to her skin in a way that was painful, especially when it clung to newer wounds. One day she started bleeding through her sleeve in Glee, she ran out with no explanation. It was at this that Mr Schu sighed and asked the group about Rachel's behaviour, there were mumbles about her being strange but never quite this strange. It was decided that someone needed to talk to her about it.
The responses were unsupportive in a way that made Will cringe inside. Kurt said she was just after attention which Mercedes seconded, Santana said she was just being 'Berry', Puck called her weird which Finn inaudibly agreed with, Mike pointed out how he didn't really know, Artie and Tina pointed out that it could be 'women's troubles' and the others just drew a blank, particularly Brittany who was staring at Santana like a love sick puppy. The only one remaining quiet was Quinn. Will noticed this and said maybe she should be the one to go bring Rachel back. Her expression was unreadable and everyone was waiting with baited breath until the blonde simply shrugged her shoulders and made her way out of the choir room.
Rachel was in the bathroom locked in one of the cubicles, cleaning the offending bleeder while desperately trying to fight the tears and the urge to whip out her blade. She heard the outer door push open and tried to remain as silent as she could. She heard a sigh and the tap of a foot.
"I know you're in here" a voice called out, which she recognized instantly. But still she remained silent. She heard another sigh.
"You're being ridiculous, I can see your bag" Quinn assessed. Rachel cringed.
"So you can just go tell Mr Schu where I am then" the brunette stated with a sniff.
"Are you crying in there?" the blonde asked gently.
The girl's concern was like yet another kick to Rachel's tiny stomach.
"Why act like you care?" Rachel answered.
Quinn sighed once again and stepped right in front of the locked door.
"Rachel, open the door" the brunette gritted her teeth and clenched her fists to stop from reaching out toward the lock.
"Leave me alone, it's nice that you came after me but I know it's only because Mr Schu made you. So just go, Quinn"
Rachel heard the movement of her feet and the click of the outer door again; she released a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. If the blonde had somehow opened the door or peered over the other side then Rachel would've been torn open for her to see, and the brunette just really didn't care. It was the realization that no one cared, no one really wanted to be her friend and that she'd never have Quinn that sent her hand into her bag searching out the bottle of pills at the bottom.
She left the cubicle to stand at the sinks; she emptied handfuls of pills into her mouth and stuck her head under the tap washing every one down. When she stood back up she felt accomplished, she managed a weak smile at her reflection. Her skinny, scarred reflection. This is it; it's all going to be over her mind reassured. The relief she felt made her feel giddy, she walked back into the cubicle not locking the door and lay down on the cold hard ground, waiting.
After Glee practice Quinn rushed back to the bathroom, seeing the door still closed she stepped to it again. "Rachel" she called, she leant against the door to realize it wasn't locked but it couldn't open completely. Peering through the gap she looked down to see Rachel slumped unconsciously, panic filled the blonde as she ran into the hallway screaming for help. Brittany climbed into the cubicle from the other cubicle to manoeuvre Rachel away from the door; Quinn pushed it open and couldn't help the gasp escaping her throat, with Santana's help they got her into the open space and everyone crowded in as Mr Schu called an ambulance. All the while Quinn sat on the floor with the unconscious girl draped over her; she sat talking to her telling her that things were going to be okay and Brittany and Santana held her small hands. Everyone was trying not to stare and cry at the amount of scars on show by the bunched up sleeves, Santana ran her thumb gently over every scar in a knowing way.
When the ambulance crew arrived they asked everyone to clear out, Quinn refused until she was red in the face screaming at how she'd found her and wasn't going anywhere. She rode with her in the ambulance as multiple tubes and wires adorned the tiny girl whose hand she was clasping as tears fell down her cheeks. When they reached the hospital she had to wait outside a room while they worked on Rachel, it pained the blonde to not be in there still holding her hand.
Quinn couldn't get the images of Rachel's scars out of her mind, she choked on her tears and prayed and prayed that she was going to make it through. Rachel's dad's arrived at the hospital with tear stained faces, the three of them waited patiently outside the room while the entire Glee Club waited in the visitor's lounge. "Why would she do something like this?" the blonde whispered to the two males. "I wish we knew, Quinn" they whispered back.
A while later a doctor came to address them. He looked to Quinn and back to the two males. "I'm sorry this is confidential, family only, you should be in the waiting area with the others" The blonde's mouth fell open and she balled her fists at her sides fighting the urge to land one of them straight in the doctor's face. "I'm not going anywhere, I found her" she stated as she had already to the ambulance crew. "I'm sorry ma'am but I need to address her fath-""I'm her girlfriend" Quinn said so quickly and easily she surprised herself, though she wasn't sure why. The two males blinked in surprise.
"Oh, I see. Well she's stable, we've pumped her stomach but we won't be able to fully assess her until she comes round. Hopefully there won't be any lasting damage, she's severely dehydrated so we're going to keep her on IV fluids and our team are aware that she's underweight and we've seen the damage that she's done to her arms. Does her self harm extend to any other areas of her body?"
The two males nearly fell to the ground, their daughter was a cutter and they didn't know about it. They shook their heads furiously and tears ran down their faces. The blonde took their hands in her own in a supporting gesture as she fought back her own tears.
"I know this is a shock for you, but your daughter tried to kill herself and very nearly succeeded. The amount of pills she took combined with her weighing less than a hundred pounds, she is extremely lucky to be alive. It's a very sensitive topic but we're going to insist that Rachel be assessed by our mental health team in the morning and we'll go from there" the doctor stated before telling them that they could go see her now.
Rachel's dads went first of course, and Quinn went to the visitor's room to give everyone the update on the situation. Everyone was pretty quiet and solemn about the whole thing, Quinn couldn't stop the tears from flowing and Santana and Brittany held her so tight she was sure she was going to have bruising. It was when she said she was going to go see her that people started talking.
"Give her our love" "Hug her" "Tell her I'm praying for her" Quinn nodded at all these things; she was pushing the door when Santana pulled her back.
"Kiss her, Q" Santana stated looking her right in the eyes; everyone looked at her in a mixture of surprise and shock. They expected Quinn to gasp and state that she wouldn't do that, but the blonde simply nodded meekly. "You need to tell her, Quinn" Brittany said placing a sweet kiss on the top of her head as she wrapped an arm around Santana's waist. "I will" Quinn said as she left the room racing her way back to Rachel's room.
"She's not talking yet but talk to her" Rachel's dad's told her, squeezing her hand slightly as they made their way out. Quinn walked in nervously, the sight of Rachel very nearly making her cry again. She sat next to the girl gently taking her hand using her free hand to run her fingers gently over the soft skin. "Quinn" Rachel breathed practically inaudibly, Quinn thought she was hearing things until Rachel's eyes snapped to hers and a smile formed on her lips. The blonde stood to her feet, bright lights blaring behind her. "I did it, I'm in heaven, and you look so real" the brunette whispered.
"Rachel, you're in the hospital" Quinn stated gently as she lifted their hands for Rachel to see the IV that she was being so careful of. The brunette's eyes filled with tears and the expression on her face was heartbreaking. "But, how?" "I found you, I came back to check you weren't still in there and I found you" the blonde gulped, her chest aching at the memory.
Rachel's face went blank and she turned away from Quinn. "I'm supposed to be dead; this is all supposed to be over"
Quinn's heart was breaking, she reached out to turn Rachel's face towards her, and Rachel tensed and closed her eyes.
"You are not supposed to be dead and I'm glad you're not" she whispered.
"I want to be dead" the brunette stated coldly making the blonde wince.
Quinn ran her hand gently down Rachel's face and she could practically feel the girl melting at her touch, it both surprised her and filled her with warmth.
"Why are you acting like you care, Quinn?" Rachel croaked out as their eyes locked.
"I'm not acting, I do care, and why else would I be here?"
"Feel free to leave; I wouldn't want you to feel obligated just because you found me"
The blonde tried not to burst with anger, Rachel was clearly broken and not hearing her.
"Yes I found you, I didn't have to stay with you but I did. I screamed at the ambulance crew for trying to make me move, I told them that I was coming in the ambulance with you, when we got here they tried to force me into the visitors room with everyone else and I refused" the blonde paused, "I even told the doctor I was your girlfriend so they'd let me in here after your dads"
Rachel's mouth dropped in surprise, the blonde smiled slightly.
"And when I went to let everyone know that you were okay, Brittany and Santana pretty much told me to stop being a pussy"
The brunette wore a confused expression; Quinn leaned forward and placed a lingering kiss to the smaller girl's forehead. When she pulled back Rachel's eyes were closed again, her lashes fluttered slightly before her gleaming eyes opened.
"What was that for?" Rachel asked in such a vulnerable voice that Quinn had to stop herself from leaning down to kiss her again but on the lips this time. Instead she gently cupped Rachel's face with her hands.
"I have no Oscar-winning speech like you would, so I'll put it simply. I like you, Rachel. I wish I'd of been a nicer person to you, I tried but I've been so scared of hurting you that distance just became the easiest way to cope. Santana and Brittany are the only people that know how I feel about you; they gave me hell at first until they realized I was serious about feeling like I was falling for you. And now I know for sure, I've fallen hard, faster than I knew possible. And I have no idea how you feel but you have to know, I'm a little in love with you Rachel Berry"
Tears fell down Rachel's face and she found herself holding on to Quinn's wrists in their embrace.
"That was very Oscar-worthy" she whispered leaning her forehead against the blonde's.
They could feel warm breath on their faces, their noses brushing against one another's, they both knew what was coming and they fell together like it was the most natural thing in the world. Soft sweet lips that fit like puzzle pieces. They pulled apart staring at one another and it was like nothing else mattered.
"Fetch my notebook from my bag" Rachel said, Quinn found it and handed it to her sitting carefully beside her.
She didn't say anything; she just turned to a page and motioned for Quinn to read.
She is the sun
The light of the day
The only thing that takes the darkness away
The pain that I feel
It is so real
But it is only with her love that I could heal
Quinn choked back a sob as she pressed a kiss to the top of Rachel's head.
"I know it's going to be a long road from here after what I've done. I've been so trapped in my own mind that I lost control. I never wanted to hurt anybody; I was selfish for doing what I've done. I've hurt my dad's, you, and people in the club that I didn't think even cared. But I'm prepared to do anything to regain trust and control again. If they want me to speak to a professional I will, I want to work through all my problems. If they feel the need to medicate me, so be it. If my dad's want to take the locks off my doors and monitor my eating, they can. I don't care as long as you're going to be around. As long as when things get tough I'm not alone. I love you Quinn"
"Do you know how many times you've made me cry today" the blonde chuckled slightly as she wiped her eyes before kissing Rachel again.
"If it's as many times as you've kissed me then I'm very sorry" Rachel smiled twirling a lock of blonde hair around her finger.
"Things are going to be hard, Rach, and I can't pretend I understand what you're going through. But I'm going to be here every step of the way, I promise. You're never going to be alone, and if anyone says anything when we're back at school I'll gladly let Santana rip their heads off. If you need me at 3am I'll drive to you and we'll go walking in the fresh air or I'll hold you until you fall asleep. Anything you need, I'll be there"
"I thought I was supposed to be the one that gave speeches" Rachel sniffed as she rubbed her eyes, Quinn laughed.
"Will you stay with me?"
"As long as you need me to"
"You may be stuck with me forever then" Rachel smiled leaning her head on the blonde's shoulder.
Quinn ran a hand through the thick brunette locks and used her free hand to entwine her fingers with Rachel's.
"Then forever it is"