AN: For shiko1122 with prompt for Merthur during The Death Song of Uther Pendragon where Arthur decides to retaliate against his father by showing his love for Merlin.
I don't think this is quite what you were expecting but I hope it makes you smile (at least once).
It's um…semi canon? ish? not really?
I'll just apologize now.
Happy Birthday!
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, *'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly'*, Scooby Doo, Supernatural, or any other ridiculous mentions made.
PODFIC: on Ao3: (archiveofourown)(.org)(/works)(/4423886)
Gaius slammed the two small bottles filled with slimy looking green liquid in front of the two boys. Creaking over the creak in his bones he explained the explanation. "The potion will allow you to see Uther in his spirit form. Once you are in his presence, you must blow." Simultaneous questioning stares made Gaius continue. "The horn. You must blow the horn. It is the only way you can force him to go back to the spirit world."
Arthur picked up the bottle closest to him and brought it to his eyes, squinting with an undeniable pout on his face, his bottom lip practically eating the top. "Is it safe?"
Gaius looked between the boys and gave his old man I don't give a flying fuck shrug.
Merlin sighed and brought the bottle to his lips, stopping when he saw Arthur watching his every move. "Why are you staring at my mouth like that?"
Arthur cleared his throat uncomfortably and peeked at Gaius with wide eyes. "Toooo uhhhhh…your mouth? I mean…uhhhhh…to….to see if it's safe? Yeah. To see if the potion is safe." (Good save Arthur. He has no idea.)
Merlin smirked and licked his lips, bringing Arthur's attention back. "So you are going to watch me swallow?"
Gaius dropped his head onto the table to hide from the un-hide-able sexual tension screaming in the subtext.
"Precisely." Arthur bit his lip to prevent that subtext from becoming text and earnestly nodded towards the potion resting on Merlin's bottom lip. "Get on with it."
Merlin pulled apart both petulant lips and popped that pale potion in his puckered pout. Placing his palms atop the table he tipped it over his tongue without touching, a real Frat-house feat. "Mmmmm." Arthur moaned in his mouth (the alliteration stopping there) before catching Gaius pulling his head from the table so he could slap his forehead with his palm and walk away. That moan muddled out as he quickly swallowed his shot (like a hearty pirate) and gagged (not like a hearty pirate).
"Can't handle it Arthur?"
Arthur chucked the bottle across the table between his coughs and hit Merlin square in the chest. Merlin did the same to him which of course could only lead to a very tense and suggestive stare-off taking place on either sides of the table as Wild West music played in the background.
"Just go!" Gaius sighed from across the room, holding a book at eye level as if that would hide him from the palpable display or stop the odd music from sounding.
*whistle, wahhhhhh, wahhh, wahh*
Out the hall the boys crept, peeking around the edge of the door, Arthur looking over Merlin's head like he was Shaggy and Merlin was Scooby.
That would be if Scooby Doo had yet been invented. But then again no one questioned the Western music…
Arthur shoved Merlin in front of him, tripping over the threshold and sending Merlin jumping right out of his skin. "Roinks! Rhere!" He pounced up and back into Arthur's body, Arthur catching him full bridal style while moving the torch away from his legs. "I mean there!" Merlin pointed towards the wall.
"Where?" Arthur shouted with an unnatural amount of energy as he quickly looked around them, spinning in a full 360 over and over again.
Merlin looked at the wall as Arthur turned them, keeping his eyes on point like a ballerina, before bursting out in a series of chuckles. "Oh, it's just our shadows." Arthur sighed and dropped Merlin to the floor, being sure to kick him as he stepped over his body, pretending it was because he was dizzy (he did not stay on point).
"Ow!"
There were no Scooby Snacks for Merlin.
Down another hall Merlin led them until the rattling of a door made them both stop in their tracks. They looked at each other over their shoulders slowly as they quaked in fear. The door rattled again and Arthur slid back a step, pushing Merlin just in front of him just as…
"Arthur? Merlin?" Sir Leon greeted them both with one eyebrow raised as he double checked the point where Arthur's body touched Merlin's (it was his butt, in case you were confused).
"Leon." Arthur and Merlin nodded back, Arthur pushing Merlin a step away from him by thrusting forward (as if that would fix anything).
Leon looked between the two of them, both eyebrows now arching high into his hairline. "Is everything all right, my Lord?"
"It's perfectly fine." Arthur coughed as he glanced between Leon, Merlin and the floor. "We are...uhh… Merlin. Tell Leon what we're doing."
Merlin gaped at Arthur, his eyes searching the wall for an answer and only getting a bit scared when he saw his shadow again. "We're...uhh…I'm- I'm teaching him some porn- I mean poetry." (Porn poetry?)
Roses are red,
Your balls are blue,
Here, let me help you fix that.
Merlin cleared his throat as the not even finished poem ended abruptly in his head. "I'm teaching him some poetry."
"Poetry?"
Arthur nodded enthusiastically, looking over at Merlin. "I...love…" He cleared his throat and looked back at Leon trying to shrug out the rest of the sentence that caught in his throat. "…poetry."
Merlin chuckled uncomfortably at the look of disbelief coming from Leon and because he saw the double meaning in this narrative and he felt it was appropriate. "I was as surprised as you are. He can't get enough of it."
"I'll leave you to your…" Leon bit down his smile as he looked at Merlin. "…poetry."
As Leon left, Arthur poked Merlin hard in his side. "Poetry?! That's the best you could come up with?"
"What did you want me to say?" Merlin asked, also deviating back to canon for a moment.
"I don't know. Something that didn't make me sound like a love struck girl."
"You are a love struck girl."
"If anyone is the love struck girl here it's you Merlin."
"Me? I'm not love struck."
"But you are a girl. So pretend to be a man and check the storeroom over there."
"By myself?" Merlin asked with sad puppy-dog eyes but Arthur threatened him with the fire so he tucked his tail between his legs and turned around. "Alright, alright. I'm going."
So the boys separated, Merlin getting himself stuck in the storeroom (massive magical magician he is) and Arthur following his father (obviously following the poetic-ness the screenwriters made by putting Uther in his throne)(hopefully not porn-poetic-ness…).
"I did not spend my entire life building this kingdom to see my own son destroy it!"
"You are no longer king!"
"I am here! I am King! I am a dragon, hear me roar!" Urther Pendragon roared like the play on words and Arthur was sent flying in the angry invisible ghost waves and lost grip of his horn. He also lost consciousness as his head hit the floor so Merlin could enter and show off his magic without ruining the plot of the screenwriters which didn't need to happen because it would have been cool to see Arthur accepting Merlin's magic over a few episodes and the fun they could have if he WASN'T DEAD and new adventures could ###This rant has been forcibly stopped due to pure length and deviation from plot narrative###.
"Step away Uther!" Merlin yelled from behind, having escaped the frightening pile of boxes and barrels using levitation spells that for some reason did not come to him instantly as they would in about thirty seconds.
"This is MY kingdom!" Uther shouted back at him. "Mine, mine, mine, mine! You can't do a thing to stop me you girlish poetry reading serving boy!"
"Oh you heard that did you?"
Uther shouted again and as a bench came flying across the room, directly toward Merlin. Suddenly his cloudy mind remembered he had magic again, the levitation spell coming to him much quicker.
"You have magic?"
"I was born with it!" Angry, defying (but somehow sexy) tears fell from his face as he glared at the former King.
"Merlin?" Arthur popped up from behind Uther rubbing his head because this author is saying screw you to the screenwriters.
"Did you know this?" Uther asked with a thumb pointing in Merlin's direction.
"No."
"A sorcerer right under your nose and you couldn't see?"
"You appointed him to me!"
A sexy voice interrupted from the hall, "Did you hear the western Sammy?"
"Yes Dean but we're here about the ghost."
Two hunky men came bounding through the doors. The shorter (hotter) man with his shirt off held a rifle in his hand. The other man held a bag of salt and also had his shirt off but the Fabio hair was too distracting to notice.
"Whoa!" Arthur shouted at them. "Your fic is coming up later guys. Get out of here!"
"Sorry." Another hunky man poofed from nowhere, directly behind Dean, wearing a messy sexily askew suit and trench coat. "I will take care of this." The trench coated man grabbed the Fabio by the shoulder and the hotter one by the waist (because shipping is fun and I do what I want) and they all poofed away. (Yeah that just happened).
"You are both thick alright?!" Merlin shouted along from the previous conversation so the story could move on.
"Hey!" They both turned and called back at the same time.
"Well you must die." Uther shrugged as he raised his hand and pulled a sword from the corner of the room, because where else would a sword be?
"No!" Arthur jumped in front of Merlin and held out his hands as Merlin held up his, ready to throw Uther back. He quickly recoiled and aimed his palms at the floor sending his power off the stones and sending himself flying up a good ten feet into the air. Arthur took no notice as he faced Uther with hands on his hips.
"Out of the way son. Or I shall thrust this sword through you as well!"
"There shall only be one kind of sword thrusting today and that is not it! Gwen!" Arthur called towards the doors where his unconscious wife was found miraculously walking straight past.
"Yes Arthur?" She called, popping her head into the room.
"I'm divorcing you."
"Alright Arthur!" She called back with cheer in her voice as she turned towards the knight's quarters, pulling down even further on her already distractingly low dress (really had no one noticed? It's practically porn. Perhaps someone wrote about it. In poetry form perhaps? Lancelot?). "Here I come boys! I'm officially single! Gwaine? We can do that thing with the apple you were talking about!"
"Good job Arthur." Uther nodded in agreement, lowering his sword.
"No father. Merlin, get over here!" Merlin groaned from afar as he rolled to his feet and hobbled over to his king, no one having noticed his miraculously non-injuring flying fail. "Father, this is my kingdom now. I can do what I want when I want."
"Yeah!" Merlin agreed over his shoulder with enthusiasm if not making him a bit dizzy with his concussion. (Sorry did I say non-injuring?).
"I can make my own rules."
"Yeah!"
"I can make whoever I want a knight."
"Yeah!"
"No matter how pathetic or scrawny or weak."
"Yeah!"
"Even Merlin."
"Uhhh-"
"You're a knight now Merlin."
"Uhhhh-"
"I can make a sorcerer a knight!"
"Uhhh-"
"I can allow magic."
"That. Yeah!"
"I can marry who I want."
"Yeah!"
"I can love who I want."
"Yeah!"
"Even clueless poetry reading girlish boys who lied to me about having magic and recently became a knight and my husband."
"Yeah! Wait, what?"
"You hear that father?! I defy you!" In a graceful jumping pirouette (that made all question his lack of keeping on point before) Arthur scooped up Merlin's body and dipped him in his arms. Uther dropped the sword and covered his eyes as Arthur started ravishing Merlin's mouth with his own.
"Arthur?" Merlin looked around with wide eyes as Arthur let him go, catching Uther curled up in the corner, hearing what sounded suspiciously like sniffling coming from him.
"That's right Merlin. Say my name."
"ArTHUR!" Merlin's voice rose in an ear piercing crescendo as Arthur's hand splayed across his cock. Merlin's eyes turned in a flash of gold and the entire room seemed to lift off the ground but really it was just their bodies in the air. Really levitation came second nature and that storeroom was just a fluke. (Barrels could be scary!)
Arthur laughed at the ground and squeezed Merlin's cock tighter. "See that father?!"
"I don't know if I feel comfortable with your father watching you touch me- oh gods right there! Touching me right there!" Merlin moaned as Arthur's hand moved quickly under his trousers and wrapped around his shaft.
"Do want to leave yet father?!"
"Yeah daddy!" Merlin screamed.
"Are you talking to me or him?"
"Him of course."
"So no daddy kink?"
"Daddy kink?"
"You do have daddy issues Merlin."
"Would you two stop saying daddy?!" Uther yelled back up from his huddled corner.
"If you don't like it then leave!" Arthur yelled back to the ground. "To the throne Merlin! I wish to take you there!"
"No! Not my throne!" Uther screamed and the throne started to spin around the room.
"To the floor Merlin!"
Merlin lowered them down to the floor as Uther started to charge. Just as he was about to reach them with his sword held high he smacked his face and fell back on the floor having ran into Merlin's invisible barrier.
Uther jumped up and started pounding on the invisible wall. "No! Do not touch him there!"
"You can't tell me what to do!" Arthur screamed as he threw Merlin like a damsel on the ground (because he was a clumsy prince who dropped his damsels) and smoothy ripped off his shirt in all one go, tossing it towards his father. It flew through Merlin's barrier because he was really just that good with magic.
Levitation? Takes a bit. One-way barrier? Yes, right away sir! (Sire!)
Uther dropped the sword and stumbled away as he tore at the fabric over his eyes, tripping back and falling onto the stone.
Merlin brought his bare flesh off the ground and looked around for Arthur who was already advancing on his father, popping through the one-way barrier.
"Your choice father! I can either blow the horn or blow Merlin."
"The horn!" Uther sobbed as he backed into the corner. "The horn. The horn."
Arthur chuckled in triumph as he quickly, almost magically quick, picked up the horn and blew into it.
"I am a dragon." Uther sobbed. "Hear me-" He was cut off as his ghost blew up like a great big navy blue balloon, popping and dissolving into the atmosphere.
Arthur chucked the horn directly out the window (not caring who got their hands on it apparently) and strode over to Merlin's barrier bubble facing him. They stood mirroring each other with hands on their hips, Merlin the one now pouting.
"Merlin."
"It's sir now."
"Sir Merlin."
"Yes Arthur?"
"To the throne!"
Merlin skipped to the throne, quite literally (like the poetry reading/teaching sorcerer/knight/husband he was), as he brought it back to the middle of the room.
"Does that mean this is my throne now?"
"You are not king."
"I am too."
"Not until we consummate."
Merlin snapped his fingers and both were rid of any remaining clothing and who cares where the clothes ended up? (Though Gaius sure did hit his forehead pretty hard when they ended up on his potion table).
Arthur plunked down into the throne, his little soldier standing at attention as he called his knight over. Merlin closed the gap and puckered up those pouty lips, kissing Arthur until they couldn't kiss anymore (because that's the usual line for this sort of thing).
"Let's finish defying my father by finishing!"
In seconds Merlin was ready because he's magic and lube wasn't really invented yet and this is parody porn so….
Arthur sat as Merlin sat on him and could miraculously instantaneously move magically quick. They both groaned and moaned as loud as they could though not a single person could hear them or would accidentally walk in on them. That would just make things awkward.
"Oh daddy." Arthur moaned as he grew closer to his finish.
"Are you calling me or your father daddy?"
"My father is gone!"
"Now who has daddy issues?"
All ignored the comments and Merlin rode Arthur faster until both came, both muttering 'oh daddy' under their breath so the other couldn't hear.
Merlin sat up and spun around so he was in Arthur's arms again. He tried to call back their clothes but unfortunately he didn't think ahead. Gaius had already chucked them into Merlin's room and for some reason that meant Merlin couldn't call them back. Instead he called over the curtains hanging from the great stain glass windows and wrapped them around their bodies as Leon entered the room.
"More poetry my Lord?" Leon smirked as he handed them the clothes he had magically known to bring (there is a lot of magic in Camelot).
"It's Lords now." Arthur said proudly as he draped the curtain over his body and left the naked Merlin to curl up on the throne.
"Yes Sires." Leon said as he walked back to the knight's quarters to find Gwaine who had been missing (though there was a trail of apples he had yet to follow).
"Now Sir Merlin. Shall I defy more in my quarters?"
"Let us defy together!"
Plenty of poetry (porn poetry) was written that night for our two knight/pirate (pirate? don't blow holes in my ship! pirate references were earlier made)/ghost-busting (hunter)/husband/Kings.
And they lived happily ever after. (Because screw the screenwriters!)