A/N: I don't own "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
Warning: Suggestive content, and crack-pairings.
Geordie LaForge lay awake, staring at the ceiling of his Enterprise quarters. Recent events were making it hard to sleep. The wedding of his friends Deanna Troi and William Riker, coupled with the death of his best friend Data, had thrown Geordie's mind onto his past love affairs. (Yeah, there was a bit of grief over Data's death, but given how often senior officers "died" aboard Federation ships, it was more of a temporary occupational hazard than anything to really get concerned about. Geordie could safely assume that in time, they'd discover Data's head floating in space and build him a new body, or else restore him with time travel or parallel universes or something.)
Most people aboard the Enterprise had no idea of Geordie's true sexuality. Most thought he was a straight guy, who just had bad luck with women. The few shipmates who knew that he deliberately dated girls who wouldn't want him in the end thought he did so to cover being gay. Really, a dumb thing for them to think; plenty of people were openly gay on the Enterprise; it was the 24th century. No one had a problem with it, so why would Geordie hide that, if it were the case? No. Geordie La Forge's sexual needs weren't a matter of male or female. He didn't care what pair of genitals his partners had, or what their bodies were shaped like. What mattered to Geordie was, how many plugs and wires they had. How sleek and smooth their casing was (bonus points if he could see his reflection in them!). What kinds of mechanical tricks they could do, and whether or not they could literally send up sparks. Geordie's sexuality was one that was not yet sociality acceptable. But it was one that he couldn't deny.
His first love had been his visor. When he'd first put the high-tech banana clip over his eyes, it had instantly become his best friend. But after not too long, he began daydreaming about more than friendship. His visor, however, never replied when he asked it to move their relationship to the next step. (Visor never was a big talker.) Geordie finally took the hint, and accepted that he and Visor would have to remain friends. When he had up-traded Visor for a pair of high-tech blue eyes that allowed him to see, Visor didn't even seem to care.
Geordie sought romance elsewhere.
His next love had been Hugh, the Borg drone whom Geordie had liberated for a time, and tried to befriend. Behind closed doors, Geordie had also attempted to teach the drone a bit about romance. How thrilled Geordie had been, when Hugh had extended his Borg claw and quite literally "screwed" him. How great it was, to see Hugh's bug-eyed surprise and pleasure, when Geordie began working his experienced engineer hands on the drone's body. But in the end, Hugh had decided that he wasn't "ready" for humanity, and returned to the Collective.
Data had been next, and maybe the closest. They'd been best friends, and before long, became friends with benefits. They'd gone on dates to Guinean's bar, and to the holodeck. They liked to play that Wild West holonovel, just the two of them. Geordie would play the innocent townsman who got captured by bandits; Data would be the mysterious stranger with the black bandana and lasso who rescued him, ending in passionate visor-man-on-android sex in a covered wagon. Or sometimes Geordie was an Indian price, and after his great rescue, they'd be wedded by his father the chief, and make love in a teepee.
But he and Data drifted apart, after a few years. When Data had a one-night stand with the Borg Queen, that really put a damper in their relationship. (To this day, Geordie wasn't sure who he was more jealous of.) Data spent the last years of his life closer to Picard than anyone. Picard always acted so confused, as to why Geordie was treating him with such jealousy. Picard and Data could claim that they were "just friends" all they want, insist that they were doing nothing on the holodeck but playing Sherlock Holmes and Watson. Whatever. Geordie had seen Picard in that lacy blue hoopskirt dress, swooning and purring things like, "Oh Mr. Holmes, Moriarty is forcing me to do his bidding, but oh how you've bewitched me!"
Geordie had thought he'd lost all hope, until he discovered an online dating site for people seeking mechanical beings. There he'd met a blonde knockout of a woman who lived on a ship called Voyager, in the Delta Quadrant. An ex Borg drone like Hugh. Her name was Seven of Nine. She and Geordie "sexted" each other; went on virtual dates to You Tube and Deviant Art, giggling and analyzing the films and artwork as if visiting movie theaters or museums. They fantasized about what they'd do if and when Voyager got home to the Alpha Quadrant; all the fun they could have when together, with Geordie's talented engineering fingers and Seven's efficient Borg implants.
Then, only a month before Voyager returned to Earth…Seven got a proposal from a big, buff, soft-spoken space-Indian, with an exotic tattoo over his eye, who was a former outlaw, but also loved nature and sharing feelings. Geordie didn't even bother with the competition. He just congratulated Seven and Chakotay grudgingly, and never spoke to her again.
After that, Geordie considered asking Data out again, see if he could win the android back. But the damned android had gotten himself blown up before Geordie had the chance. Data had sacrificed his life—and all for the sake of some cheap drama for a "Star Trek" motion picture, that no one in the long run would even remember watching or care about.
"Guess I'm destined to be alone." Geordie sighed.
A few lights blinked above him, on his ceiling.
Geordie smiled. As the Enterprise's longtime chief engineer, he knew how to read her various blinks and lights, he could literally speak her language.
"Aw gee Enterprise," he smiled. "I didn't mean completely alone. I know I'll always have my best buddy! I could tell you things I couldn't even tell Data."
The Enterprise blinked a some more buttons, a few flaring red.
Geordie sat up, rubbing his blue mechanical eyes. "You have a surprise for me in engineering? It's awfully late isn't it? Can't it wait till morning?"
The enterprise blinked blue lights, rapidly.
"Okay okay! I'll be right down."
Geordie changed into his uniform, and entered the empty engineering room. Actually, even on the night shift, there should have been several crewman manning Engineering. But as Chief Engineer, Geordie knew that his men and woman were most likely all on the bridge playing Smash Bros on the view screen, as they often did when none of the senior staff was around.
Engineering was dimly lit, excepting the warp core which flared blue. A long table set with a white cloth sat out between the warp core and Geordie, set with a flickering candelabra. Something spicy wiffed past Geordie's nose, and he noticed white take-out boxes on the table.
"Is that Chinese?" Geordie exclaimed, rushing over.
An excited light rippled up the warp core in response.
"A…date?" Geordie whispered. "Enterprise…have you been pining for me all this time?" He held his breath, as the ship responded. "You thought I was a useless dweeb who'd break you, the day we met…but you grew to love and admire me? …wait, what song do I remind you of?"
On cue, Enterprise began playing the song for Geordie, from the album of "Saturday Night Fever."
"More than a womaaan….more than a woman to meeee…"
Enterprise continued to speak to Geordie.
"…You held back because I was with Data for so long? And after he died, you didn't want to dishonor his memory? Oh Enterprise, Data would want us both to be happy! Don't be ashamed!"
Geordie had a seat at the table. He and Enterprise dug into the Chinese food. (Enterprise ate by zapping the food with her electricity from the warp core, sucking up its nutrients for her own energy). They flirted and joked and reminisced, about all their times and adventures. They watched "Blade Runner," a dark, emotional film from the '80s, in which a human fell for a beautiful mechanical being. They didn't finish the movie though. At the scene where Harrison Ford and the android woman were flirting in the dark apartment, getting closer and closer, Geordie put his arm around one of Enterprise's consoles, and kissed her on the view screen. Engineering flared with a message of lights and bleeps. Take me Geordie!
Damn, "Blade Runner" was such a good movie…but they could finish it later. Rudger Hower's "tears in rain" speech could wait. Geordie slowly put his arms around the warp core, and began the foreplay, putting his skilled engineer's hands to good work. Enterprise responded with little sparks of electricity.
"Oh," Geordie moaned, "Your warp core is so big!"
Enterprise trembled in response, as Geordie ran his hands up and down her warp core.
Up on the bridge, Captain Picard frowned. It had been morning for an hour, yet no one had reported in from Engineering. The doors were locked; the Engineering crew could not get in. Something weird was going on down in there, and Picard wanted to know what.
"Captain," Deanna Troi's face was contorted with concern. "I'm sensing passion…great passion…a reckless passion. It may get us all destroyed."
The Captain hit his com badge. "Picard to La Forge! …La Forge respond!"
Riker stroked his beard. "Data's death was hard on Geordie. He might've lost his mind."
"No…" Troi's dewy Betazoid eyes slowly widened. "He hasn't lost his mind…he's lost his virginity!"
Ensign Ro muttered, "Bout time."
Troi gasped. "Oh god, the Enterprise can't take this kind of heat!" she ignored the stares she got from Picard, Riker, Worf, and the rest of the bridge crew. "If Geordie doesn't break it off soon, the ship—"
It was too late.
Geordie and the Enterprise reached their climaxes simultaneously. The Enterprise exploded, in a cloud of blue and white flames. As the explosion spread through the ship, many Enterprise crewmembers found time to react to their imminent deaths. Some were horrified, some saddened, and some annoyed but none of them was surprised; it was expected that each significant shipmate would die at least once on the voyage, and that the entire ship would be offed probably multiple times.
But the silver lining of this mass extinction was that, this time, at least two individuals—one human and one mechanical—died very, very happy.
A/N: I originally posted this story under a joke account, with bad grammar. But I decided that I liked this story so much, I didn't want to waste it on a troll account. So I gave it a quick edit, and moved it to my legitimate one.
Do know that, I rather enjoy "Star Trek: The Next Generation," so don't take this parody as a knock at it. (I have an entire series of spoofs tearing my favorite show, "Voyager," to shreds.) I hope this little one-shot entertained.