A/N: This idea has been stewing around in my head for a LONG while. I've been writing it for months, and here it is.
She didn't know what to think.
Everyone was happy and buoyant, laughing and feasting and getting aqcauinted with one another. Lily Evans wasn't.
Lily had been impatiently awaiting the first day of Hogwarts since Sev had told her about her new identity: witch.
"You get sorted that day, and you'll be in Slytherin. That's the best house."
She listened to this countless times, watching as he smiled while talking about the feast. She guessed it would be the most food he would have in his life.
Sev lied. He was not supposed to lie! Tuney said he was lying all along, but this, Hogwarts, was real. So he couldn't be a liar. End of story.
But the hat slid down her head and shouted "Gryffindor". This was the worst house, he had said.
Well, what was the truth? Was Sev a liar, or was Lily a bad person?
Certainly the latter. Petunia, her favorite and only sister for God's (now Merlin's) sake, said that she was a freak!
Yet if she was a freak for being a witch, wasn't Severus also a freak? So, was Lily just a bad freaky witch? Or was she not a freak because Tuney had no right to talk about witches and wizards as she wasn't one, Severus had said?
Or maybe Lily would never be normal, as she had suspected, because she had done stuff her sister couldn't. She wasn't alone now, so what made her such a bad witch?
She knew, of course, she knew.
Sev said it wasn't a problem. Lily wasn't stupid. She knew that it made her strange, an outcast.
She had non-magical parents.
Therefore she was a freak, a bad person, a bad witch. And to top it all off, she was a Gryffindor. A Gryffindor who had an angry Severus Snape sitting across from her at the Slytherin table, and a Gryffindor who was separated by a fourth year from the two boys who had talked about Slytherin in an ill way. She refused to be one of them.
When Lucious Malfoy, Priscilla Hawkins, Arthur Weasley, and Ted Tonks led their tables up to their houses, Lily drew back behind the crowd and cried.
Her sister hated her. Her best friend probably did too. She had no friends, especially not that foul duo of Gryfindors who were now a quartet.
She was never going to be a real witch, and her parents were "muggles".
And she was a Gryffindor. Lovely, like a bad taste in her mouth.
Lily cried for everything that night, but mostly, she cried for herself.
Lily made it through her first year with no other troubles. She met Alice Prewett and Marlene Mckinnon in her dormitory that night, and they were inseperable from then on. She got used to magic and was one of the best in her class. She learned that Remus, one of the "Marauders" was actually nice, and it was really Potter and Black that she needed to watch out for. Her sister wrote to her a couple of times when gossip happened at her school. Severus was still Lily's best friend, despite protests from Marlene and Alice.
Almost guiltily, Lily liked being a Gryffindor. She was even happy that she wasn't in Slytherin after watching Bellatrix, Lucious, and his girlfriend taunt the others in their house. Watching Andromeda lag behind, looking like a prisoner, Lily thought she wouldn't have fit in well there.
It was in her second year that she cried again.
Proffessor Flitwick gave Lily a Dreadful on her charms exam.
She initially shrugged it off and thought she didn't study hard enough.
Then she met with Sev by the lake. They compared scores. He had gotten an E.
The truth was, a big reason why she worked so hard was because she had nonmagical parents. She loved them, she did, but she thought that no one would take her seriously if she didn't prove herself to be smart, or worthy. She was a witch just like everyone else, right?
Then Bellatrix passed by, took the exam out of Lily's hands and laughed. More accurately, she cackled.
"I told you Severus," She briefly smirked at Lily before returning to the glare that had previously seemed permanently etched on her face. "I told you she was a good for nothing mudblood! It's a shame you talk to such lowly people. Come on..." She stalked off while grabbing Sev's robes. He tried to turn around to face her, but Bellatrix's grip was too strong.
This was the first time anyone had called her a mudblood. She didn't know what it meant at first, so Alice had to explain later that night.
Just when she really believed that just because her parents weren't magical that she was still a witch just as much as everyone else was, that terrible Bellatrix Black had to bring out all of her insecurities. If she had that much control and influence over Severus, he would probably start to think she was a mudblood too. Lily couldn't handle that.
Much like after the sorting, Lily recovered quickly. She got an E on her next charms exam and an O on her potions essay.
After that, her third and fourth years passed by without anything dramatic. She only got hit by a bludger twice, which was better than the three times in her first year.
The one thing that worried her was the rift between her and Severus. She was afraid that the upperclassmen in Slytherin were rubbing off on him, and she noticed that he didn't talk to her nearly as much as he used to. He said hello and smiled at her, but he didn't seem to care about her the same way he used to.
And then their was Mr. I'm Bloody Amazing Potter. He was good-looking, yes. And smart, yes. And Arrogant. YES.
He was the cockiest person she had ever seen. He paid way too much attention to his hair, thought he was extremely handsome, and thought that being an amazing quidditch player made all of the girls flock to him.
Even if his hair looked great when he messed it up, and even if he was extremely handsome and all the girls flocked to him because of quidditch, did he have to be so invested in himself?
And why, why was it necessary for him to treat Lily like a piece of meat?
And why did he insist on hexing Severus every spare second?
James Potter was the biggest prat Lily had ever seen.
But he wasn't selfish. He was just so selfless that it made him look selfish.
And he never, never treated Lily like a piece of meat. At least he didn't mean to. He genuinely liked her, and he would eventually love her.
They had just taken their O.W.L.s for Defence Against The Dark Arts, and Lily was quite confident that she had done well. She was sitting by the lake with Marly and Alice when she saw Potter teasing Severus. And then...you know what happened.
He said it.
Severus called her a mudblood.
She had been called this many times before. To her face, behind her back. Severus had never uttered this word, at least not while describing Lily.
Mudblood had meant much more to Lily than just a terrible insult.
She had feared Sev was getting closer and closer to that group of Slytherins.
Lucious, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Andromeda had graduated awhile ago. Now Severus, Macnair, Regulus (Sirius's third year brother), and a few others were Yaxley's cronies. He bullied younger students, he jinxed everyone that wasn't a Slytherin. He called Muggle-borns mudbloods. Except her. He loved her (although she didn't know it), so he wouldn't call her that unless he was a complete arse.
He had become one of them. She knew it. She had already thought that it was becoming a waste of time to stick up for him. This was a disturbing reality that Lily was desperately trying to avoid. When he called her that word, you know, during the story you already know, it was inevitable.
The word had meant the end of Lily and Severus's friendship.
When she told Severus that he had made his choices, that they couldn't be friends, she stayed strong. Afterwards, she just cried. She cried in Myrtle's bathroom, and stayed the night there. For a few moments, she kind of wanted to follow Potter and just hex the wits out of Severus, but she just cried some more.
Severus was her best friend, and he was the first to tell her about magic. He was the first person she could relate to, with him being able to set small things on fire at a yound age. He said they would go through Hogwarts together, stay friends forever. The fantasies of them ever getting married, or anything of the sort were gone. She knew that these were words of a child, but they had meant something, right? Severus was a good guy, so what appeal did he see with prejudice and cruelty?
What if he joined the Death-Eaters? They were murderers, them, and Sev could never kill anyone. Right? Would he kill her? Even if he didn't how different would it be if he only killed other muggle-borns? She didn't know anything anymore, it seemed.
She felt a fool. A stupid, stupid, fool, because she hadn't made an effort. There was a way she could've stopped it. But she didn't.
That was the last time she cried about Severus.
Sixth year was the year that Lily made friends with the Marauders.
Remus had always been a friend of hers, Peter was nice enough, and after getting to know Sirius, she loved him like a brother.
James...Well at least she called him by his first name now. He had deflated his head. Good. He had stopped speaking to her altogether. Eh...Bad.
Lily was in complete denial about it, but she actually liked the attention she got from James. Didn't he want to be friends with her?
She didn't speak to Severus, no matter how many apologetic looks he gave her.
She was friends with the Marauders. Alice and Frank were together.
She might have wanted to be friends with James. Might. Just might.
Seventh year was when everything changed.
James as head boy?
What?
Sure, he had gotten more responsible.
And more handsome.
But that's besides the point.
Did they want to set the example of constant fighting/evasion for the younger students by shoving James and Lily together as head boy and girl?
Well, maybe Dumbledore knew what he was doing, despite the rumors of him going senile, although those circulate every ten years.
When they were forced to talk during patrol, Lily actually came around to the idea of James as a friend, seeing as he was a little less of a git, and that he was willing to not start their usual "James asks Lily out with a pick-up line whilst she shoves her foot in face" gig. By November, he was her best friend besides Alice and Marly.
The night before Christmas break, James had quidditch practice and had to captain his team.
So when Lily found him in an intense game of tonsil hockey with Brooke Channing in a broom closet right before the end of patrol, she felt like it was her first night at Hogwarts again.
He was head boy, so why would he skip patrol to go snog Brooke?
She was his friend, right? So why would he lie to her?
Then again, maybe he did go to practice, and when it was over he staked out the closet.
But, but...It was Brooke for Merlin's sake! She was smart and gorgeous and friendly... Much more than Lily was... Why was he snogging her?
Why did Lily feel like this? Like she was melting?
Why was it Lily's business? That's a better question.
It was Lily's business because in getting to know that James Potter regarded the Marauders as brothers, learning that his favorite color was red, that he loved treacle tart more than any other dessert, learning that he loved flying, that he wouldn't be able to live without Quidditch, and that he was sorry for the incident with Snape, and that he hated who he was (the prat), and that they both shared a love for The Beatles... Lily fell in like like with him.
As childish and foolish as she thought it was, seeing James kissing another girl hurt.
It also made her realize that like like just wasn't an option anymore. She might've been in love.
She didn't know what to think.
He certainly wasn't interested. Brooke Channing...she had it all.
She did not, however, have the most brilliant eyes James had ever seen, or wavy red hair that was still frizzy on a good day. Brooke would take James's crap, and wouldn't call him out on his shit. She wasn't Lily.
So when Lily barged in on James and Brooke, James got his tongue out of her mouth and yelled after a running Lily. "LILY!"
She just ran.
It was the same situation as it was in fifth year. Reversed.
So she cried silent tears in the Prefect's Lavatory.
He gave her a bracelet for Christmas. It had a charm on it.
Dangling off of the gold was a little shoe.
"Lily,
Merry Christmas! I saw this at Winchell Jewelers, and the shoe reminded me of you. 1)The heels you wore to Slughorn's party that made you fall into Macnair, knocking him into the pumpkin juice and 2) When you made me see Wizard of Oz to show me that real Wizards don't need wands, only curtains. I thought that ruby slippers would go well with your eyes. Have a good holiday!
Yours,
James"
She wasn't expecting anything from him, really. Sure, she sent him a nice collection of things from Honeydukes and Zonkos, but jewelry...is well...serious. She was caught by utter surprise.
He said "yours". Was he just being polite, or was he implying something else?
The gift was...wonderful. She put it on, and she fell in love with it.
It fit her tiny wrist perfectly, and the shoe had a small ruby embedded in the front. It brought back memories.
The day after her return to Hogwarts, Lily was called out of potions by Professor McGonagall. Wasn't it funny, or rather, disgusting, how worrying about love and teenage relationships and N.E.W.T.s can switch to worrying about worst type of tragedy?
"Miss Evans...I am so terribly sorry for your loss."
Her parents were killed in a car accident.
She gulped.
"May I go back to my dorm for the rest of the day?"
McGonogall answered her with an uncharacteristically soft look that she was wearing the whole conversation.
"Of course, dear."
Lily returned back to class in shock.
What Lily's head of house had said were empty words. For now.
She walked through the door and thought she would vomit. She felt like her coordination was gone, and the only thing forcing her legs to walk was the floor. It seemed steady. Unlike everything else in her life.
"I-I can't-" She couldn't finish her sentence.
Slughorn asked if she was okay, and James said that he would take her to Madame Pomfrey's.
He carried her things while she leaned against him, and he was the only real thing in the world right now. He was intending on taking her to the hospital wing but she stopped him, almost falling in the process. She dragged him into an empty broom closet, and he figured that this was purely emotional pain.
"Lils-"
And she cried.
She wept for an hour.
She cried without thinking: thinking about class, her friends, the fact that his shirt was soaked through, that dark wizards were threatening the world as she knew it, about Severus, about N.E.W.T.s, about anything. Just about the fact that her parents, the ones who had brought her into this world, had passed.
James didn't make a move. Or ask what happened. Or say he was sorry. He just let her cry.
After an hour, she looked up at him with swollen eyes and wet cheeks and said:
"S-sorry about your shirt." His lips twitched upward.
"It's fine."
"James..."
"Woud you mind if I asked what happened?" He raised his eyebrows, genuinely caring.
"No, I wouldn't. My mum and dad died." He sharply inhaled, shook his head slowly, gently put her head on his chest again, and held her for a few seconds while she continued crying little sobs.
"It's okay."
This is what made her do it. He did not try to sympathize or empathize, he just told her that it was okay if she cried. And even though she wasn't even thinking about it at this moment, she knew Severus would never do this.
So Lily kissed James.
It was not a makelovetomenow kiss.
It was instead a Sorry-about-your-shirt-and-I-Think-I-may-love-you-but-shh-don'ttellanyone kiss.
He was taken aback, of course he loved her, sure. Was she reciprocating this? Had his wildest dreams of the last four years been answered?
"Can you take me to the owlery?"
"Yeah...yeah, Lils."
So they left, and she never let go of his hand.
Lily flooed into her parents house. It was no longer home. In such a short time, the knowledge of the loss of her parents had given the house the feeling of abandonment. She knew it was the last time she would be there.
"Lily?"
Petunia looked like her sister did. She had swollen eyes, and it seemed like she hadn't bathed in days.
Lily had gotten soot all over her clothes. Petunia's usual disgust over magic hadn't even begun to form in her mind, on her tongue.
Lily was her sister, and that's all that mattered.
She was the one who approached Lily.
"Tuney?"
And they sobbed in front of their parents' fireplace, on the cold hardwood floor.
They spoke like they were young, reliving memories, one head on one lap, hands clasped.
When she came back to school, she faced loads of sympathy. It scared her to pieces actually, and just made everything more real and much worse.
It was with the greatest relief that she took James's hand and hopped on his broom.
"I-I don't like flying."
"That's because you've never ridden with someone good."
She didn't put up much of a fight, since she really didn't mind having him put his arms around her that much.
"No, no...seriously, please don't do this..."
"Are you afraid of a broom, Evans?"
"No!"
"Then explain why you never stand at the front at the quidditch matches-"
"I've had my fair share bludger-related injuries, thank you!"
"And when we were watching The Wizard of Oz, you cringed at every moment the green one came on? Oh, and our third flying lesson, when you stormed out..."
"Fine, fine! I'm afraid of flying. Happy?"
"Hop on." It was a command.
"Why?" She was about to start whining.
"Cause I'm making you get rid of your fear. And it'll make you feel better," She looked like she wanted to but couldn't bring herself to the occasion. Now get on."
She complied. Besides the twinge in her stomach that constantly plagued her with the feeling that she was going to fall, she was more comfortable than she had ever been on a broom. She clinged to James's hands. He eveloped her, and like he was her only hope in life, she trusted him completely. Like ice, she melted over Hogwarts. Her troubles melted away, if only for a few moments.
"James, where are we going?"
"Hogsmeade."
So they sat outside of Zonko's and looked at all the kooky products while James explained how most of their pranks worked. To tell you the truth, Lily wasn't paying attention. She just basked in the first normalcy of her life in awhile. They stuffed their faces at Honeydukes, and she watched him examine the brooms before they just walked around in circles.
She felt free with the person she had once hated.
She felt safe, and happy.
It was one of those rare days, that tuesday where they skipped patrol and snuck into Hogsmeade, that made Lily feel like she was enduring an out-of-body experience.
The next 3 tuesdays in the next three weeks were the same.
When she acknowledged she loved him, she teared up a bit.
Because, really, finally, the world was capable of producing something joyful.
And she was a young girl in love.
Before she knew it, Lily graduated.
She learned that through love and friendship, even the deepest wounds can start healing.
After overhearing a conversation between Flitwick and Mcgonagall about "the Order" Lily, James, the rest of the Marauders, Alice, Frank, and Marlene decided to join. They were overage, and they wanted to fight.
Lily had considered talking to Severus about joining, but decided against it.
He probably wanted nothing to do with her by now.
Naturally, her and James started formally dating, went steady, and were now happy as ever, and were, sadly, the butt of many jokes.
She rented a flat in London with Marly and Alice. Sirius and James shared a flat close by, and Remus and Peter lived separately.
She passed her N.E.W.T.s with flying colors, except for that lonely little T under Astronomy and the D in History of Magic. James was rubing off on her, hmm. That was when she decided to become a healer.
It was 7 months after gradation, when life was going well, that James and Lily went out to visit Hogsmeade.
They sat outside of the 3 Broomsticks, like old times. They talked, had a couple of butterbeers, and enjoyed being young and happy. This was how it should be for the rest of their lives, James thought.
He pulled out the ring in a little green box and got down on one knee and did the whole shebang and broke out in a sweat and sighed when he was finished before realizing she hadn't actually said "yes" yet.
"I never-never-thought I'd say this a few years ago but...yes. Yes...Bloody hell, yes!"
And they kissed and hugged and cried together.
Life was beautiful, in these little moments.
"MARLY!" Lily was dragging around her skirt, and shuffled around through the guest room at her fiancee's parent's house.
"What? What!?"
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"For Merlin's sake Lily! I thought you were about to yell at me about flowers or some other crap like that, but, no, no, you're having second thoughts." Lily looked at her best friend, who was walking around in a lavendar bridesmaid's dress. Marlene just raised her eyebrows at her.
"Yes, yes, I am!"
"Why do I have to go through this again with you?" Alice decided to barge through the door at this moment while Marlene spoke.
"What happened? What did I miss?"
"The bride's having second thoughts."
"Again?"
"Yep."
"Lily!"
"What?"
"Do you love him?!" Lily was somewhat scared of Alice's menacing tone.
"Yes! Of course, yes!!!" Alice cornered her into the wall.
"Then what in the name of Merlin's pants is the problem?" Lily slid out from Alice's clutches and smiled.
"I guess there is none." The bridesmaids sighed.
"Goodness, sometimes, Lil, I'm afraid my best friend is an imbecile," Marlene hugged her tightly.
"Sorry guys, I guess in the midst of all this planning I've fogotten that I was actually getting married."
An hour and a half later, Lily walked up the red aisle with yellow and white roses amidst one hundred guests. Her hair was up with small curls floating in front of her ears, her portrait neckline skimming her upper arms in th emost elegant way, her heels stepping on her dress which no one could see since there was an abundance of fabric around her feet. James was up the aisle, eyes set on his bride, looking like the schoolboy he once was, eyes gleaming.
She got to the aisle, Sirius giving her away in place of her father. She took James's hand, which fit around hers the way it always did. As they said their vows, her eyes filled to the brim with tears, and she could only wonder how she ever got so lucky.
And here she is. Poor Lily is pushing quite hard, and the poor baby isn't crowning, and the poor fainting James can tell that little Harry will be just like his parents-stubborn. She's been in labor for thirty hours, contractions being absolutley painful.
And here he is! He's got little tufts of black hair, and his fathers ears...and chin...and nose...Well, he's got his mum's eyes! Yes. Yes! She's done screaming, finally! And the healer almost passes the baby to James before Lily slaps her husband out of the way and takes her baby herself. Now James doesn't push his luck by trying to get into the tiny bed, but instead he just stands next to his family (such a new experience!). The healers leave them alone to their little bundle joy. She looks weak. James looks like he doesn't really know what to do, but his smile is about to take up the whole bed and push his wife and son off of the sheets. The baby is red, and puffy, and sleeping. Lily's holding him-tightly, like she's not giving him up to anyone, and James is stroking the soft little hairs on his son's head. He whispers to his wife about how wonderful she was. Lily kisses Harry on the forehead before reluctantly giving him off to his father so she can get some sleep. That fantasy is short lived, however, since Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marly, Alice, Frank, ad Neville are barging in through the door, baloons and flowers at hand.
An hour later, when they all leave, all Lily can do is smile. And produce tears.
After all that has happened: the death, the loss of friends, the fighting, the shrapnel of her world in a continuous downpour. The happy moments. The knowledge of her baby wanted dead by the one and only. The distaster reflected to her by her elders, having a child at this turbulent time-but now or never, right? Who says she won't be dead tomorrow?
She remembers this minute more than anything. When she tries to lock the the curse away, to barricade the door, to stop Harry from crying.
When you know it's coming, when you know half of your heart-your love- has died, and when you know the green light is coming for you next, and then...and then it'll take your child-the only one left-what do you do?
Maybe you kick things. Maybe you kill yourself while you still can. Maybe you come out and surrender. Maybe you say a prayer to something you can barely believe in.
Lily chose to remember.
She remembered things in little doses: Sev, the sorting, The M word incident, her first kiss, her first kiss with James, her parents, her lovely, lovely friends, that single moment with her sister on the cold, cold floor, the wedding, the birth.
Lily found, just before her's was over, what life was about. It was the fact, that in between the sadness, and the lines of depressing song lyrics of her life, that joy and love just shrouds it out. The quill writing her tale has often times deserted her wishes and desires, only to bounce back again.
Whether James was right, whether they will all meet eachother in the afterlife, she can leave knowing one thing. This feeling.
And after all of the crying, and all of the resentment towards life- there is a perfect little baby boy in her arms, pulling at her hair in the hospital bed.
Whether James was right, whether they will all meet eachother in the afterlife, she can leave knowing one thing. This feeling. This fullness of life she feels right now as she sits in he sterilized room. And she cries while her friends surround her, while her parents are watching, somewhere, and while her husband looks into her eyes before his attention goes back to their beautiful little creation, knowing what may come next. And she smiles, and laughs the laugh of a woman who has all of the world in her hands.
It's pure bliss.
A/N: In all honesty, this is my favorite thing I've written so far. It was originally just supposed to be the story of Lily and James, mostly from 6th year up, but that took a backseat. I like it better this way, actually. What did you guys think of my attempt at a fairy-tale-esque account of her life?
Please, please, please tell me what you think!