Title: The Regret of Being Alive

Rating: T - M for later chapters.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Angst, Friendship, Family

Summary: Three days after the battle, Kitty finds Nathaniel barely hanging on under some remains of rubble. Much to his dismay,she saves his life. Now, Nathaniel is both wheelchair bound, very depressed and nearing the verge of suicide. In need of help and worry for Nathaniel, Kitty summons Bartimaeus for some advice to save Nathaniel's life. While attempting to aid a very stubborn Nathaniel ,the Djini discovers feelings for him that he thought had long been destroyed years ago and that was when Ptolomey died.

Warnings: Slash is the main one. If you don't like it, don't read.

Nathaniel glared up ahead and stared at what was visible. Rocks, stone, glass you name it. Basically anything and everything that was crushing him. He wasn't in pain as he'd expected himself to be, in fact...he felt nothing, nothing at all. He was only aware that he was still somehow alive but yet he wavered on the thin line between life and death.

He wanted death.

Not only did he want it, but he also deserved it. A few life changing experience before his pre-demise didn't eliminate all his sins. His abusive to Bartimaeus, his harshness towards Kitty and other commoners. He wasn't good enough to even look at any of them. So he was ready, and he wanted to except death. But why then, why had he not gone yet?

That answer came sooner than he expected.

He began to see small cracks forming in the rubble above him. Rays of light began to pour in and attack him with the world outside. For the first time in a while, he saw outside, he felt a cool breeze hit his face and he felt the warm touch of a hand. Someone was saving him.

No! I want to die! Leave me be! He thought, and he wanted to yell it at the top of his lungs but he couldn't even move his mouth.

More and more stones and shards of glass were being removed from his body and soon enough, the stabbing of the suns light attacked him and he was brought back to reality once more.

For the first time in what seemed like years, he felt...pain. An agonizing pain. He wanted to scream but yet, no words came to his mouth. He could only show his emotion through his eyes and then he saw her. Kitty Jones.

She stared back down at him with shock. Her hands covered her mouth in disbelief and to his surprise, she started to lightly weep.

"Nathaniel! Stay with us okay...you'll be fine! We're going to get you out of here..." No! That's not what he wanted. Could she not just leave him there to die?

He felt an overwhelming presence fall over him. Perhaps it was regret or guilt but it was heavy. This presence mixed with the outside air and sunlight made him weak once again. He didn't know if he'd ever wake again after doing this but he closed his heavy eyes and felt himself drifting.

This was it, he knew it. There was no way he could survive after this.

Sorry Bartimaeus, for everything. I never got to tell you how thankful I really was...nor, how I felt about you. It doesn't matter though. You deserve better than me, you always have, you always will.

He knew that his thoughts were useless but it made him feel better as he slowly drifted and left the world. His time was coming and he felt somewhat reassured.

Sure, no one knew what he truly thought, Bartimaeus most likely hated him and Kitty would be in for a grand surprise when she returned with help, but hey.

Perhaps, it was better this way.

I read the end of the Bartimaeus Trilogy today and I felt a pit in my stomach for Nathaniel. Does anyone else feel bad for him? I believe that he needed a better chance in life, maybe he needed to start over. And on top of that, I felt even worse for him while reading the parts with Ptolomey. We all know Nathaniel could have treated Bartimaeus better, right? And if it was between Nat and Ptolomey, Barty would no doubt go for Ptolomey...

I just feel for Nathaniel towards the end, so I'm writing this little fic for him. Remember, I do not own this series.