Prologue
He had appeared out of nowhere. She was motionless and dumbfounded, and almost believed that he had heard her thoughts. He was, she admitted, above her. Beyond her. He was everything that she couldn't reach. That these were her thoughts after months of not seeing him was depressing.
"I haven't seen you in a long time," said Len.
She almost wished he hadn't found her. She was caught in her feelings and wasn't prepared to talk to anyone about them, especially not to him. But she had to make conversation because saying nothing would make them both uncomfortable. She should talk about his accomplishments, it shouldn't be about her (don't mention practice, don't mention the ensemble), and flattery was her only safe option since she couldn't show what she really felt.
"You've been really active, Tsukimori-kun," she said with the best smile she could offer. "You've been in TV shows and magazines. Everyone in school's talking about you. That performance you did recently...Wow. The concert hall was so big..."
She probably shouldn't have said that last part. But she had to fill in the silence. Or ignore the growing uneasiness inside her by rambling.
He was surprised. "You went to listen? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Yeah, I went," she admitted, biting her lip. She should have tried harder, but there was a heavy load inside that she wanted to release. And she couldn't hold it down.
"I went," she said again, "because what could I do? I wanted to see you, but I couldn't avoid what I felt." His eyes widened. He moved a step closer. "The difference between the standard of your music and mine –" she cut herself off and swallowed."I feel like the difference between us is..."
It was too far. There was no bridge between them. There would never be one. He was too far away, too good for her. She can't compare and shouldn't even try. It was pointless.
"Even though I said that I would keep working hard here," she began without thinking, "maybe what I'm doing is just wasting time and effort."
She had tried to say it lightly – with a small nonchalant smile –as if it was a comment she could have shrugged off and forgotten. His response had been immediate:
"What are you saying?" he said calmly. "Is this what you wanted to say to me?"
She could feel his anger simmer. She could feel the ice in his voice. Hot and cold. It was like that. She hadn't looked in his direction when she had made her admission. She still couldn't look at him; she didn't know if it would be worse to look or worse to turn away.
"What you said...do you think you can just take it back?"
Suddenly every other declaration, every other promise she'd made played in her mind:
I won't lose to you! I'm going to keep working hard here!
I'll chase after him...I always will...
They sounded like poison now that she'd mixed her doubt and insecurities.
"Is that it Hino?"
He waited. She didn't answer. How was she supposed to?
"You made me very disappointed."
It sounded final. It was as if there was nothing she could do to redeem herself. They both had let go. She'd given up, and it felt like he'd done the same. He'd given up on her.
No. Please don't...
Don't let go...
But it happened. He had walked away.