Author's Note: Hey guys! Here's just another idea I've been dabbling in, not sure how far it's going to go but I'm willing to write if you guys are willing to read. I just want to point out before I begin that though it may seem like it in most of my stories that I hate Leo or seriously dislike him, that is completely untrue. He is actually my second favorite turtle and I really do respect him a lot as a leader and older brother, I just have a few issues with how he handles Raph (who, if you haven't figured it out by now, is my favorite).
Keep in mind that with this first chapter, (and maybe a lot of this story) is in Raphael's point of view so Leo is portrayed as how Raph is seeing him at that moment.
FYI, the italics in the first part is Leo's voice as Raph is remembering previous arguments, he's not necessarily saying those things in this current argument.
I'm going to shut up now. On with the story!
Sometimes Raphael wonders if his older brother ever really hears him.
"How can you be so stupid, Raphael! How could you be so blind!"
As far back as he can remember, Raphael has always wanted to make him proud.
"Your reckless actions have put us all in danger, yourself included! Why can't you just listen to me for once!"
But there's always something that he had done wrong, some misstep that had apparently cost them everything.
"Mikey and Don were almost killed because of you, Raph! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Try as he might, he fails to understand what makes him so wrong. And what makes his older brother so right.
"This is why you were never chosen for leader. Splinter knew you weren't ready. You obviously still aren't!"
It's always this continuing circle between them, the contest of if his older sibling could count and describe exactly how many ways he had messed up that specific evening in one breath, all the while raising his voice to a volume far higher than Raphael would have ever thought possible.
"Would you just think for a second, hothead? Then maybe you would stop acting like a spoiled child!"
It was quite an entertaining show really, and Raphael would have been impressed if he hadn't been too busy being angry. Just what exactly was his older brother expecting of him?
"Don't ever do something that idiotic again! Do you think I enjoy saving your shell every time you leave the Lair? Why can't you be mature enough to do what you're told once in a while?"
The leader didn't treat any of their younger brothers this way. He respected their input, (even Mikey's) and always was there to praise them when they did something right and encourage them when they made a mistake. Not him. Raphael has never once heard his older brother give him so much of a mumble of praise or encouragement. He didn't understand it. Could he really be such a problem that every single thing he did was a mistake? That he was wrong 24/7? Did his brother see him as such an incredible pain that all he could do was criticize? Were his skills really not enough? Was he not enough?
"I don't have the time or energy to do this, Raph. You're going to get us all killed and you don't even seem to care! How can you make it your job to protect our brothers and father if you're the reason they're in danger! You're incompetent, self-centered and most importantly…"
It wasn't always like this. When they were younger, Raphael and his older brother were closer than twins. They were best friends and did everything together. They pranked Mike and Donnie, snuck to the surface whenever they pleased and basically just had fun together. They were partners in crime and they would do anything for each other. Age didn't matter so much and his older brother never used the fact that he was born first against Raphael. It was okay for him to be himself because his twin understood him. He didn't have to try to be something he wasn't to gain his best friend's approval.
But all that changed when his elder brother was named leader. Then his attitude towards Raphael changed and suddenly it wasn't alright for him to be himself anymore. His older brother wanted him to change and be someone else and Raphael has tried in order to keep his best friend. He has tried to change but he just can't. He will always be Raphael no matter what his older brother and father say. But it seems that that isn't enough for his former best friend. He just wasn't good enough. Raphael wasn't good enough. And that angered him. Maybe even more then the next four words that always left his brother's mouth, whether directly or implied:
"... I'm better than you."
At this point he would usually want to sock Leonardo right in the face, his fist erasing that smug look if only for the moment and at the same time letting out some of the pent up anger that seemed to constantly plague him nowadays. But this time he stopped himself. He didn't want to fight with his brother anymore. He didn't want to argue about whether he was good enough or not, mostly because Leo seemed to have made up his mind on that matter a long time ago and there was no changing it. He didn't want to get angry and shout and yell and be shouted and yelled at. And he most certainly didn't want to hear those four words once again.
"Raph, are you even listening to me? Don't you dare ignore me, Raphael! I'm right and you know it!"
Raphael looked up at the angry glare that his older brother was sending him and realized that he had only been listening to half of Leo's lecture and had tuned out the rest as he was wrapped in his thoughts. Normally, this wouldn't have bugged him as he would always be focused on something else when Leo was lecturing him, but this time it only added to the exact point Raphael was trying to avoid but couldn't deny any longer: He was losing his older brother.
"What?" Raph asked lamely, knowing that anything he said would only prove to anger his brother further.
Leo rolled his eyes angrily. "Are you seriously this dense? You've been avoiding the issue all night... heck, you've been avoiding it for years... and you still play dumb when confronted about it. What will it take for you to finally take this seriously?"
"A hot shower and three pills of aspirin," Raphael muttered under his breath, the headache that had been bugging him all night making itself known in the pounding of his temples. This was of course part of the reason he was feeling so tired and unresponsive of Leonardo's words tonight, but Raph would be lying if he concluded that it was the sole or even main reason.
Truthfully, he wasn't just physically tired and sick. He was tired of these arguments between himself and his older brother. He was sick of constantly having to defend every one of his actions and being told how completely and utterly wrong he was. He was tired of getting angry and shouting at Leo in a situation that would only end in a fist-fight with himself bearing most of the blame and his older brother baring most of the scars. He was sick of apologizing for even thinking about trying to save someone or for not waiting when he could jump in and end a fight quickly.
He was tired of hurting his older brother just so he could realize how badly he himself was hurting on the inside, especially since Leo refused to even try to understand him and instead always jumped to accusations. He was sick of always having to be the one to fight. He was tired of those fights always finding him. And most of all, he was sick of his brother pushing him away and was tired of being the one to push his brother away. He just didn't want to do it anymore or, at the very least, not at that moment.
"Why does it always have to be like this with you, Raphael? You just go jumping in, guns a blazing, without even considering the consequences. Did it ever occur to you that I might actually know what I'm talking about when I give an order? That I might actually know better than you?"
There it was, those words again. Raph wondered why they were so important to his older brother, why it was so critical that he was better than his younger brother. Raphael assumed, like everything that was important to Leo of late, it had something to do with making himself a better leader. How the heck that had anything to do with putting his immediate younger brother down all the time, Raph still had no idea.
Leonardo sighed angrily. "What were you even thinking tonight, Raph? You were supposed to be watching Don's back while he hacked the Foot's computer system. What if something had happened to him while you ran off to play judge, jury and executioner to a bunch of Foot ninjas?"
"I had it handled." Raph shot back unexpectedly, his anger momentarily rising to the accusation that he had left his little brother unguarded. And to Raph it was true, he did have it handled. He had made completely sure that the door to the computer room was sealed shut from the inside, reinforcing it with some tables and chairs just in case and took out every ninja within a ten foot radius of the door that led to the room where his genius brother was still obliviously working while he went on to something he saw as very important. But he did not even bother to expand on his statement, not that Leo was waiting for him to anyway.
"Sure you had it handled," His older brother replied, his voice thick with sarcasm. "You had everything well under control, didn't you? That must have been why you came charging onto the roof where Mikey and I were trying to hold off the remaining ninjas and just started swinging your sais around like a half crazed lunatic. I mean, really Raph? You nearly knocked me over and you got hurt in the process! What will it take for you to understand that there are things more important than your insane love of fighting! Seriously, what is wrong with you?!"
There were a million and one ways Raph could have answered that question, but none of them would have helped the growing sense of nausea that was filling his stomach and all of them would have just led to more yelling and most likely a fight. Raphael shifted his weight uneasily off his newly injured leg as Leo had mentioned it, feeling uncomfortable with the stitches and bandages that Donnie had applied to it only half an hour before. Was it just him or was his headache getting worse and his bandaged leg starting to feel sticky with sweat?
"You're my responsibility, Raph. And you running off completely disregarding my orders all the time is not making my job any easier!"
That was part of the problem, though. Raph wasn't his older brother's responsibility. At least, he never wanted to be. It felt as if that was all Leo saw him as. Not a brother, not a friend, a responsibility. A job he had to deal with everyday without fail. What did that make Leo then? His warden? Owner? Slavedriver? Whatever it was, it most certainly wasn't brother. Couldn't they go back to when they were brothers? They didn't have to be best friends again but could they at least get out of where they were now?
Leo sighed again, this time in tired frustration. "What am I going to do with you, Raph? Are your ears big enough to even hear what I'm saying?"
"Is your head hard enough to resist being sliced open like a melon?" Raphael grumbled under his breath, knowing any explanation he gave his brother would just be another excuse and wouldn't do any good at all. He was so sick and tired of this. Why couldn't Leo just leave him alone?
Leonardo's eyes narrowed at Raph's grumbled response. "And what was that, Raphael?"
"I said," Raph responded loudly, ready for this entire lecture to be over. "That maybe if you would just stop nagging me and give me my space then you wouldn't have to worry about mother henning me all the time!"
It came out louder than he had intended, but he didn't even try to take it back. It was the truth, more or less, and Leo just needed to open his eyes and see it. Why does it always have to be Raphael who is the bad guy?
His older brother's growl could be heard even from across the room and Raph noticed out of the corner of his eye their two younger brothers' heads snap up at the sound, both of whom that, up until that point, had been quietly playing cards on the living room coffee table trying to ignore yet another one of their older siblings' fights. He felt rather then saw their uneasiness at where this argument was going, but he couldn't have cared less. They always took the leader's side anyway.
"Well if that's how you feel Raph, then maybe I should stop wasting my time on you." The words were almost whispered and so carefully drawn out, that Raph could tell they had been on his brother's mind all night. It honestly didn't surprise him, but it instantly soured his ever sinking mood. He could now feel the droplets of sweat coating his injured leg under the bandages and felt them sting as they sunk into the wound. His headache had expanded into a pulsing pain behind his eyes and he felt himself growing dizzy. The very last thing he wanted right now was to deal with his older brother. It was this and years of frustration and hopelessness that drove him to mutter the next five words.
"Nothing would make me happier."
Leonardo's face twisted from one of disbelief then quickly faded to an angry resolve. He turned away from his younger brother, his back to him and the door behind him. "Why bother staying then?" The leader said quietly. "If you hate it so much here, then you should just leave."
Raphael supposed he should have been shocked or horrified at the fact that his older brother seemed to be kicking him out, but he wasn't. It was as if he had seen this coming from a mile away, and his face had automaticly slipped into his well practiced look of angry indifference to hide his true emotions. He briefly wondered if any of them knew how much he was dying inside.
"Couldn't have said it better myself." He muttered in response, slowing turning away from his brother and started limping towards the door. He didn't expect anyone to try and stop him, so he was almost pleasantly surprised when he heard Donatello's voice speak up behind him.
"Raph wait. Look, you are both tired and saying things you know you don't mean, so let's just all try and get some sleep, huh? Then we can pick this all up in the morning when we have clearer heads."
"There's nothing more to be said." Leo answered authoritatively, his back still to his younger brothers. Raphael could almost taste his elder brother struggling with his emotions, though he just barely managed to hold that leader persona for Mikey and Don. Raph saw through it though, he always saw through it. He knew his elder brother didn't mean at all what he had said that he was internally guilting himself out of his anger so that he would be able to try and make his younger brother stay. Raph knew that if he stalled long enough, eventually Leonardo would be able to get control of himself, apologise and tell him to stay and they would just move on like nothing ever happened.
But what about the next fight between them, or the next or the next? Did they really have to go through this endless circle of blame, anger and misunderstanding? How many times did they have to put their younger brothers through this? Or their father? Surely they were as tired of these constant squabbles as he was. Did he and Leo have the right to keep this going? To keep putting them through that pain? And what about Leo himself? It must be telling on the leader, these fights. Wouldn't his elder brother be better off if he just left and never came back? Wouldn't they all be better off?
Raphael felt in his heart they would be, and though he felt it would completely destroy him, he knew he had to break the cycle. If for no other reason than to preserve his own sanity.
"Then there's no more reason for me to be here." The red-banded turtle answered, and without another word and before anyone could object, Hamato Raphael slipped out the front door into the sewers, completely determined to never set foot in their lives again.
Author's Note: Well there's the first chapter. I don't know if I'm going to continue, it will depend on how many people like it and what reviews I get. Tell me if you want it to continue. Thanks!