Being the boy scout that he his Steve had insisted that there be no technology what so ever on this trip. He had said something about being one with nature, Tony wasn't really listening. Instead he was staring at the captains ass and wondering if he could get away with grabbing it and not get chastised by the owner of said ass.
Now when Captain America says he insists he really means he will frisk every single one of us before we even step foot out the door.
While the thought of the man patting him down wasn't at all unpleasant to Tony the thought however of his boyfriend touching other people like that, no matter how innocent, was in fact very unpleasant to say the least.
It took lots of ass kissing but Tony eventually managed to get everyone to yield to Steve's rules so there was no need for a jealous Tony to watch Steve grope everyone. Which would have ended disastrously by the way.
The first day had been an absolute disaster. Troupe leader and Boy Scout extraordinaire, Steve had paired Banner and Tony together to put up the tents and set up the sleeping bags.
Big mistake.
The pair spent the better half of the day trying to read the damn directions, which were in Spanish by the way (fuck you very much stupid manufacturers), and then tangled in a heap of tarp and metal bendy sticks in places they really shouldn't ever be, EVER.
Needless to say they didn't get the tents up and Papa Steve was very mad whilst everyone else was laughing their asses off.
By the time one tent was up it was already well past sun set and everyone decided to forgo the tents and to 'sleep under the stars'. Which was really everyone except Steve combining sleeping bags and making an awesome fort with the evil bendy sticks.
The night had dissolved into fire side shenanigans and the throwing of food into the fire to see how long it took to burn and shrivel up completely. Half way through the marshmallow war Steve was dragged into the fort where he continued to pout while getting pelted with marshmallows.
By ass o'clock In the morning everyone was passed out on top of each other and woke up in very interesting positions.
Clint was curled in the fetal position on Banner's left side while Natasha spooned him from behind. Thor was in the middle, half on top of Tony half on Bruce and drooling all over his shoulder(can you say gross?) and Stick-Up-His-Ass Steve Rogers was curled on Tony's right side with his head nuzzled in Tony's shoulder with an arm thrown over his chest, hand blocking the light from the arc reactor.
Tony would have taken many photos for blackmail purposes if only it hadn't been for the fact that any device that contained a camera was at the tower, a few hundred miles away from the butt-fuck nowhere that Captain Cuddles dragged everyone to.
Tony was on the verge of sleep when the quiet (excluding Thor's light snore) of the still morning was broken by the awesome fort being torn down by an angry looking bear.
Everyone was thrown into consciousness by the angry bear's loud roar and in Clint's case with a shrill screech. The bear hadnt liked Clint's girly scream and tried to claw him to get the irritating noise to stop. The bear would have succeed if it hadn't been for Natasha's awesome ninja skills that allowed her to pull the girly screaming man just out of reach of the enormous claw at the last possible second to avoided a good mauling.
The bear had abandoned his attempts to silence the girls man and instead went for it's next target; Tony. Learning from his mistake with Clint the bear didn't try to swipe a large paw at him but instead decided to lunge at the man. This time the bear was successful in its attempt and grabbed Tony by the collar of his shit with its impressively large and sharp teeth(AN/: I have no idea what a bears teeth are like) and hauled his up from Steve's lap where he had landed at the start of the attack.
Everyone was in too much shock to even move as they watch the bear drag Tony away by his collar, almost the way it would a cub by the scruff of their neck. By the time everyone had recovered the bear was quite a ways away and Tony's voice could be heard scolding the bear for ruining his shirt and how he didn't appreciate being dragged about, the least it could do was put him on its back let him ride him like the awesome adventurer he is.
The team scrambled up and ran after the bear that had started to run at the sound of their movement. Despite Steve's speed and Clint's eye eight or even Natasha's ninja skills none of them could keep up with the bear and lost them fairly quick.
They searched for hours and come up with nothing , not even a trace of Tony or the bear. After a brief meeting they decided to head back to civilization and then to S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters, maybe Fury wouldn't kill them of they could grind Tony from there.
***
With Tony and the bear...
This has got to be the best moment of his life Tony thought as he sat beside the bear which was trying to feed him raw fish (ew). The bear had dragged him off and taken him to his cave where it's mate had treated him as one of their cubs. He had half expected to be eaten or at least mauled to death but no, he get fed fish and cuddled by a bear. This is awesome.