Narrated by Bruce Banner

Tony's a wreck. He tries to keep strong and pretends like he doesn't mourn anymore, but when you look at him, you can see he has changed. Less attitude – unless he has to be arrogant in front of the press, but even then you can see the hurt flickering in his eyes. The hurt a picture can never capture. The hurt a thousand words will never be able to speak. The hurt that will never lead to relief.

We've all decided to ignore it. And with all I mean: Thor, Natasha and Clint. Why I use 'all' I don't know, cause I'm not even part of the 'all'. I can't ignore the hurt I see in Tony's eyes because I've seen it in so many eyes before. You'd think that in the more eyes you see it, the more you get used to it and the quicker you can ignore it but that's not true. It just gets harder and harder to ignore, because you always want to help them and you never can. And it makes me angry.

I thought I'd never see it but in India, I got proven wrong. In India you always see it in the eyes of people who have given up on their ill family members but don't want to show it. I don't know them, those people, so it's a little easier to deal with. But it isn't with Tony. Tony's a friend and ever since Steve disappeared I've to see that look in his eyes.

We had been taken residence in Stark Tower from the moment we were able. Natasha had to come back from Russia, me from India, Clint from god-knows-where and Thor had arrived later than anyone else. With a reason, of course, one doesn't just stroll out of Asgard onto Earth.

In the first weeks it's easy, you are constantly busy with something. There's always something to distract your mind of the 'he is dead' thoughts. You just have to keep focusing on everything hopeful. The tiniest sign. The slightest recognition on a security camera is enough to make that sparkle burn as wildfire.

We nearly had him two months after he disappeared, but the tape turned out to be a week old and by the time Tony arrived at the place, he only found a disoriented Thor, trying to remember why he was on Earth. Thor eventually understood everything quite quickly, but it still left us with: where the hell had Steve gone?

Not a single other match was received after that one and slowly hope began to fade away. We stopped the search all over the planet and returned to watching endless security cams in the hope to find a glimpse. We couldn't even figure out which was the last time Steve was registered on any camera.

Even though we had stopped searching, it took us four more months to give up on finding Steve. And with 'us' I mean: Clint, Fury and me. Natasha stuck to Tony's side, believing our beloved Captain was still on there. Somewhere.

Natasha eventually gave up, but Tony. He was exhausted, emotionally drained but still he kept looking for Steve. Like something was pulling him deeper and deeper into the case and he was unable to get out. Like the person who had kidnapped (and maybe murdered) Steve was actually trying to play a mind game with Tony of all people. Tony was strong of mind, but every person had a point they would break. Tony broke after a bit more than twelve months. Where he had found the strength to keep fighting for twelve months, I would like to know, but it ended. After all, everything ends.

Peace even ends. And with us it ended soon, we nearly became that time bomb again. That ticking time bomb that couldn't work together even though we were supposed to. We weren't actually supposed to since from the minute we heard that Steve had gone missing we had all set sail – as matter of speaking – to Stark Tower, because Fury probably didn't allow any missing person searches in that ship of his. And we wouldn't have been a lot of fun on that ship: most of the days at least one person stormed out of Stark Tower.

Realizing and accepting we had lost Steve didn't bring more peace into Stark Tower. More calmness, yes, cause we barely talked. After Steve disappeared we snapped at each other. After we accepted Steve was either dead or never to be found we didn't say a word.

Tony went to his room and didn't come out until a week later, still in the same clothes but with a strong smell of liquor. Clint tried to act normal and walked around trying to take some sort of care of everyone, but failing miserably at certain points. Natasha left for Russia, not to be seen again until much, much later. I, I just tried to carry on, just as Clint, sorting out stuff that needed to be sorted out and helping Thor to find Jane. Thor seemed to be the least affected by the loss. Or he just didn't show it.

Eventually only a rather constant drunk Tony – who had left the entire company to Pepper once more, Clint – who was getting more miserable because nothing cheered him up, and I were left in Stark Tower. There was a non-verbal pact to not talk about risky subjects, even love wasn't allowed – unless Thor jumped by with his never ending love for Jane. It's sweet and sickening at the same time. I don't really care that much.

Clint left us after a while, a week before Thor came back fully. It was in-and-out all the time at Stark Tower and I seemed to be the only permanent resident until we decided we should hold a funeral for Steve.

Tony disagreed on the idea, that came from Thor, and locked himself up again, only letting Pepper in with food but more often than not she returned with a still full plate. Clint arrived back at the same time as Natasha but no one thought of actually remarking something. Too busy, too wrapped up in our own minds whilst trying to be there for everyone.

Eventually it was decided that we'd keep people from Steve's time in the war in the dark, so it'd be us – the remaining Avengers – and some people of SHIELD. Not that we would be very keen on them being there.

Fury decided he'd say something – saying we would recognize something, no clue what – and Pepper returned with a note that simply read me. We realized after a pause of dumbness that Tony also wanted to say something, so we included him in the rather tight scheme that needed to keep our sanity together.

But to keep that sanity together, we had to get through the funeral without complete mental breakdowns. Starting that with getting Tony somewhat presentable for the funeral.