Britannia Burger
Chapter 1: Om on the Nom
The Rise of the Baneful Burger
In 2017 a.t.b., the Britannia Burger food empire decimated the last of the restaurant chains, becoming the monopoly it is today. Since then, Britannia Burger has become ubiquitous and far-reaching, spreading its influence, greasy French fries, and over-priced soft drinks to every sector of the globe. From China to Tijuana, from cowboys to Eskimos, Britannia Burger plays a role in the life of every meat-eating human being.
At first glance, the company president, Charles zi Britannia, seems to be an admirable and hardworking man. His success is ostensibly one of rags to riches. He worked his way to the top. In an interview, he was quoted as saying, "I have no lack of respect for my competitors, but the fast food business is a brutal one, and only the strongest can survive."
Additionally, Charles is an active philanthropist, donating large sums of money to food banks and orphanages. He sells his hamburgers to school cafeterias at a discount and has sponsored many a soup kitchen. This is certainly not a tactic to bolster his public image or aid him in tax returns. Certainly not.
However, the hoi polloi know the truth: that Charles zi Britannia's heart is as cold as a frozen patty.
Yes, Charles zi Britannia does not care if his burgers are gross as long as his company is grossing. He views his customers as plebeians and treats them as such. He is the Midas of the food industry, turning everything he touches into another restaurant to add to his chain.
No restaurant has been able to rise to the challenge. A fight in the ring against Britannia Burger leads to only one of two things: a KO or surrender. Former successful restaurant owners are fleeing the food industry for greener pastures. The people are left with only one eatery that provides poor food and even poorer customer service.
What the world needs is a fighter: a restaurant willing to stick up for the little guy, a restaurant that will provide palatable food and pleasant employees. The world needs a David to Charles zi Britannia's Goliath. The world needs a pugilist that will give Brtiannia Burger a much-needed knock down.
Will a savior arise? Will it topple Charles zi Britannia's food empire? Will it bring an end to the baneful burger?
It seems the world can only hope.
-Diethard Ried, The Pendragon Press
As the executive VP of Britannia Burger, Lelouch vi Britannia continually wondered how the hell his father's business venture had become successful in the first place. Simply put, Britannia Burger was a cash cow, and Charles zi Britannia had hit the jackpot.
Why? It certainly had nothing to do with the quality of the food. Lelouch knew for a fact that the cows and, by extension, the beef were not treated properly. Rather than grazing in open pastures, the cattle were locked in the equivalent of prison cells, incapable of moving freely. In addition to formula, a good portion of their diet consisted of fly-infested cow carcasses (yum yum cannibalism) and their own feces (bon appetite!). Britannia Burger was frequently responsible for outbreaks of food poisoning and BSE (mad cow disease), but Charles was in cahoots with the FDA, so he never had to deal with any legal consequences.
It also had nothing to do with the quality of customer service, which sucked. Hard. It disgusted Lelouch even more than the blatant lack of food sanitation. Customers were treated unequally based on wealth, and his father perpetuated and enforced this policy. It was the embodiment of the strong picking on the weak. Britannia Burger had the power and assets to swat away unwanted customers like flies, and it did just that.
…And Lelouch could do nothing but tremble with barely contained rage as paying customers were rudely shoved into the streets to make room for more.
When he attempted to talk to his siblings about the poor treatment of customers, they exhibited indifference. As long as they continued to have enough money in their pockets to buy pointless luxury items at their leisure such as $20,000 sunglasses or beach houses they would never visit, they could care less if Charles decided to slaughter the customers and put them in the burgers.
The only exception was Euphemia. She didcare, and it definitely bothered her, but she was not in a high enough position in the company to help him. Also, she refused his offer to leave the company with him.
"I couldn't," she had said, shaking her head sadly. "I wish I could, but this is…the family business. I don't think I could leave it behind."
So, Lelouch decided it was up to him. He would give his father an ultimatum: if he refused to alter customer service policy for the better, then Lelouch would turn his back on Britannia Burger.
That was why he was currently sitting outside his father's office, waiting to be called in.
Two hours had already ticked by. Lelouch expected nothing less of his father – forcing his own kin to wait on him. Still, it made his blood boil, as he passed the time shooting daggers at the various Britannia Burger paraphernalia around the waiting room (hamburger clocks, a French fry settee, oh look a milkshake vase how fuckingcute).
"Mr. vi Britannia, your father is ready to see you."
About time, Lelouch thought. But, instead, he stood up, smiled at the secretary, and said, "Great. Thank you."
He followed the secretary into his father's office, which was ten thousand times more ridiculous than the waiting room. In the center of the room was a giant Jacuzzi shaped like a hamburger.
And his father was in it. Sipping a cocktail. In a Speedo.
Sometimes Lelouch wished he had some brain bleach on hand.
Charles swished his cocktail, not bothering to look up. "What do you want?" he asked, voice cool and brimming with condensation.
It was somewhat unnerving to Lelouch that his father managed to remain menacing even while clad only in a banana hammock and lounging in a hot tub shaped like junk food. Nevertheless, Lelouch held his ground. He kept his expression placid as he stood on the rim of the Jacuzzi.
"I believe Britannia Burger should change its customer service policy."
Charles still didn't look up. "What is wrong with the policy in place?"
"Frankly, father," Lelouch said, voice smooth and even, "it's asinine."
Now Charles looked up. His eyes were blazing, his nostrils flared, and it was barely controlled fury that he ground out, "And what, my son, do you believe makes it supposedly asinine?"
"Many things." Lelouch noted how his father's glare darkened considerably. "Our business model is deficient. We perpetuate poor treatment of customers because we know that they have no choice but to return since there are no alternatives. We don't take into consideration that a worthy competitor could arise. In that case, Britannia Burger's business stratagem would fall to ruin."
Charles' face smoothed out. His glare went out like a light, and he sent Lelouch a lofty stare. "A competitor has not shown itself."
"I'm saying we should take precautions."
"No." Charles' voice was firm, resolute. "You, my son, have a completely different agenda. You wish for our customers to be treated equally."
It took all of Lelouch's willpower to stifle a sneer. "And if I did?" He punctuated his tone with malice.
Suddenly, Charles stood up and picked up a towel. "Britannia Burger is about efficiency above all else," he said as he toweled himself off. "You know that as well as anyone." He snorted. "You act as if you know better than me."
"I do."
In a split second, the towel was on the floor, and Lelouch could smell filet mignon on his father's breath. Charles' face was red, steam practically coming out of his ears, and his open hands were centimeters from his son's throat.
"You ungrateful little—" His hands dropped to his sides. Lelouch held his gaze. "If it were not for me," Charles began again slowly, "you would have nothing." He laughed. "You would be nothing. You have nothing to your name besides Britannia Burger. The clothes on your back, the place you call home – those were paid for by nothing but fries, hamburgers, and milkshakes. And you, my son, have the audacity to say our company is wrong? You have the audacity to say Iam wrong?"
A smirk wormed its way up Lelouch's face. "Precisely."
"You!" Charles pointed a finger at his son, eyes bulging with wrath. "You're fi—"
"Fired?" Lelouch cut him off, raising an eyebrow. "That's fine by me." His smirk broadened into a smile. "I was looking for an opportunity to leave the company, and you, father, just handed it right to me."
And, with that, Lelouch stalked out of the room, leaving his father furious, dripping, and showing waaaaaaaay too much skin.
The news did not go over well.
"Suzaku-kun, you can't just leave us!"
"I can't believe you're joining the enemy!"
They were standing in the middle of the deserted Kururugi Ramen restaurant. Kallen looked like she was on the verge of disemboweling him, and Kaguya was shooting him puppy-dog eyes. Suzaku sighed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
"Look," he said, "I'm sorr—"
"You're not sorry!" Kallen interjected, placing her hands on her hips. "If you were sorry, then you wouldn't be signing on with Bastard Burger!"
In a normal situation, Suzaku might have teased her. Close, but it's Britannia Burger – not Bastard Burger. And then Kallen would glare at him and say she meant what she said because only bastards work at Britannia Burger. ButKallen was clearly furious, and Suzaku needed his appendages if he was planning on grilling burgers.
"Kallen's right. It's not your destiny to flip burgers," Kaguya said, her little mouth twisting into a pout. "We need you here."
Suzaku forced a smile. "I'm sure the both of you will be fine without me," he said. "You've been here as long as I have."
"But you make the best noodles!" Kaguya objected. "Kallen's always turn out limp and mushy."
"My noodles are not limp, but that's beside the point." Kallen locked eyes with Suzaku. "What will Genbu say? You're betraying the family business."
Suzaku sighed once again. He knew they would pull this card. "I already told my father, and he agrees that it's…necessary."
Kallen and Kaguya both gasped in unison, eyes wide.
Suzaku raised an eyebrow. "What?"
Kallen no longer looked angry, just incredulous. "Suzaku," she said slowly, "Genbu hatesBritannia Burger."
"I know, but—"
"They lit our trash on fire, and people wouldn't come near us for days," Kallen said. "We lost potential revenue. How could he possibly forgive them for that?"
Before Suzaku could speak, Kaguya piped up. "And don't forget the hamburger fiasco! That would have taken at least a week to clean completely, if it weren't for that mysterious benefactor."
Suzaku still wondered who the mysterious benefactor could have been… "…You don't know it was them."
"Who else could it have been? Picasso?" Kallen snapped, crossing her arms to her chest. "You're either an idiot or in serious denial, Suzaku. And since Genbu actually trusts you with the finances, I'm going to have to go with the latter. "
Suzaku frowned. "I'm not in denial. I realize Britannia Burger engages in some questionable business practices —"
"Understatement of the century," Kallen muttered.
"I'd go with millennia," Kaguya said.
"Yeah, okay." Suzaku rubbed a hand down his face. "I get it. You both think Britannia Burger is the devil incarnate, but, if you haven't noticed, we haven't really been pulling in much revenue." Kallen and Kaguya just stared at him. Suzaku sighed. He didn't want it to come to his, but they diddeserve the truth. "…My father says there's a chance we might have to…declare bankruptcy."
"What?" Kallen looked completely shocked. Kaguya merely nodded, expression solemn.
"I thought there was a high possibility," Kaguya said. "We've been spending at a deficit for quite awhile, and our restaurant only appeals to a niche of customers." She frowned. "I still don't understand why that means you need to work at Britannia Burger, though."
"Well, uh." Suzaku's shoulders sagged slightly. He stared at the fish swimming 'round and 'round in the little aquarium by the cash register. "I thought I could help out by getting a job, so I applied to a few a places…" He trailed off and bit his lip.
Kaguya raised an eyebrow. "Define 'a few'."
Suzaku lowered his head. "Fifty-five."
"Aaaand," Kaguya said, "Britannia Burger was the only who agreed to hire you." It wasn't a question.
Suzaku nodded, cheeks reddening. "Pretty much."
"Wait a second," Kallen said, eyebrows pinched together, looking thoroughly perplexed. "How would you even be able to help out the business on a fry cook's salary anyway? It wouldn't make thatmuch of a difference, would it?"
"Probably because he agreed to work ridiculously long hours," Kaguya said. She locked eyes with Suzaku and smiled. "Am I correct in my assumption?"
Suzaku nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. He was starting to envy the fish by the cash register. They didn't have to deal with two girls interrogating him. Instead, they just spend their time shitting on faux-aqua rocks. "Yeah," he said. "119-hour week. Seventeen hours, seven days a week. Minimum wage."
Kallen frowned. "…That can't be healthy."
"I don't need much sleep."
Kallen sighed, and folded her arms over her chest. "Look," she said, "I know Kaguya's too young to legally work, but I could…help out too." Her expression softened. "If we both got jobs, then you wouldn't need to burn yourself out."
Kallen looked completely sincere in her offer, and Suzaku knew she would go through with it – even if it weren't for his sake but for the fate of Kururugi Ramen. And sleeping for more than six hours didsound nice. But.
"I appreciate it, Kallen, but I'll be fine." Suzaku smiled with teeth, and he hoped it didn't look lopsided. "You…belong here. Besides, I'm sure if I work hard, I'll get a raise, and then I won't have to work as many hours. It'll all work out."
Kaguya smirked. "I see," she said. "So, your plan of attack is to move up the corporate ladder?"
Before Suzaku could respond, Kallen jabbed a finger in his chest. "Remember, Kururugi." Jab. "Just because you're working for them, doesn't mean you're joining them." Jab. Jab. Jab. "You're still on ourside."
Suzaku took in the sight of Kaguya's scheming face, and Kallen's belligerent expression. Then, he shook his head and chuckled.
"This isn't war, you guys."
Within a year, Lelouch vi Britannia had legally changed his name to Lelouch Lamperouge. "Lamperouge" was his late mother's maiden name, and it worked as well as any. The important thing was that he did not want to be associated with hamburgers or his father's abusive business practices.
Unfortunately, along with cutting ties to his family, Leouch had also cut the ties to his inheritance. His savings were running out quickly, and he needed a job. Because he wouldn't resort to manual labor, job options were looking rather limited.
The problem was that many companies would practically throw job offers at Lelouch vi Britannia, the former executive vice president of the most successful food-based business in the universe, but none were willing to take in Lelouch Lamperouge, who possessed zero job experience and absolutely no references.
Lelouch had to give them some credit. They had all perfected the pseudo-sympathetic smile, as they said, "No, I'm sorry, but you're not what we're looking for." "You're not nearly qualified. Get the hell out," and "You look like you're just out of high school. What are you doing here?" went unsaid.
So, he trooped on. Someone had to be desperate enough to hire him, right?
He was currently at what felt like his hundredth job interview.
The man looked extraordinarily unimpressed as he paged through Lelouch's (mostly blank) résumé. Lelouch awaited the inevitable rejection. He could practically taste it.
"So, Mr. Lamperouge." The man finally set the résumé down on his mahogany desk and looked Lelouch in the eye. "Why are you interested in writing for the Pendragon Press?"
"I saw you had an opening for a food critic."
The man raised an eyebrow, and Lelouch could tell that his skinny frame was being appraised. His siblings had always teased him, saying that, for one of the vice presidents of Britannia Burger, he looked like he'd never actually eaten a burger before. Nunnally once even told him he looked like a "salad eater." …Whatever that meant.
"So," the man said, folding his hand together, "do you have any journalistic experience?"
"No."
The man frowned. "Any experience in the food industry?"
Lelouch hesitated before nodding. "Yes," he said. "I am very…knowledgeable in regard to the food industry."
"Oh?" The man looked surprised. "Do tell."
And there it was again. Lelouch had to make a choice: either a) blow his cover or b) get rejected for the umpteenth time. He swallowed. "That's…classified."
Well. Time for the big, fat rejec—
"A man of mystery, I see. What did you say your name was?"
What.
It took Lelouch a moment to regain his composure. He cleared his throat and straightened. "Lelouch," he said. "Lelouch Lamperouge."
It was as if a switch had been turned on. A fanatical gleam made its way into the man's eyes and a (almost hysterical) toothy grin wormed its way up his face. He leaned in uncomfortably close toward Lelouch (good-bye personal bubble) and gripped the edge of his desk. His breath was coming in short gasps. Lelouch wasn't sure whether to call the cops or…
"You're Lelouch?"
"Yes." Lelouch leaned back in his seat (personal bubble secured!) and coughed once again. "Lamperouge."
"You're hired!" The man had big 'ol crazy eyes, and his knuckles were turning white from gripping the desk.
Needless to say, Lelouch was rather unnerved. "I…what?"
"You're hired!" The man clapped his hands together. "As of now, you are the new food critic for the Pendragon Press." Lelouch opened his mouth, but the man continued talking. "You're an intriguing young man, and I want you." Lelouch's eyes widened. "Want to hire you." Crazy, crazy smile. "Are you up for it?"
For a moment, Lelouch was silent and stock-still. He stared at this man with his wild eyes and unnervingly large grin.
Then, he smiled and extended his hand.
"I look forward to working for you, Mr. Ried."
Compared to her siblings, Euphemia li Britannia felt…underwhelming. Although she was an associate VP and shareholder for Britannia Burger, she had little influence in her father's company.
Oh, she could start up restaurants willy-nilly, and most of the management had to answer to her, but she had little say in company policy – specifically, code of conduct.
During a board meeting, she had mentioned that perhaps the company could improve its customer service, and she was outright dismissed. She had prepared a presentation exhibiting the pros of integrating accommodating employees into their business model, and all the directors smirked and shook their heads. No one took her seriously. Silly Euphie, they said, the company is running as smoothly and efficiently as ever. Why change anything? Not even Cornelia stood up for her.
So, she sat back down, disheartened and listened as they discussed the "important issues." Should they increase the number of restaurants in Pendragon? Cut wages for employees? Schneizel suggested creating a Britannia Burger amusement park, and Charles outright applauded him.
Euphie made it a point to check up on the restaurants under her control, and she was well aware that the dreadful treatment of customers was getting out of hand. Employees were outright hostile toward patrons, many times booting them out before they had even finished their meals. The wealthy were given preferential treatment. For twenty dollars, one could sit at a table for a half an hour without being harassed. For fifty, an hour.
"At Britannia Burger, efficiency is everything," Charles once declared at a board meeting. "In order to live up to our name as a fast food establishment, we must serve customers as quickly as possible."
But that wasn't true. Poorer customers were discriminated against, and those who could pay were allowed to stay. It was a disgusting business practice, and Euphie could not do a thing about it.
She knew that was why Lelouch had resigned as executive vice president, and she wished she could bring herself to do the same. The problem was that there were few alternatives to Britannia Burger – it had a monopoly over the restaurant industry. Those daring small businesses that attempted to face off against the food empire ended up either being bought out or bankrupt.
But, although Euphie certainly had her grievances about the company, she was shocked when she learned that Britannia Burger was directly sabotaging other businesses. It was while she was doing her check-up in Pendragon that she heard about it:
"Heh. Did you see the work of art on the Kururugi Ramen shop? Courtesy of Britannia Burger, I hear."
"Why would they even bother to do that?"
"Even the big guys get scared, I suppose."
Euphie rushed past the men and found directions to Kururugi Ramen. It turned out to be located next to a Britannia Burger, and, when Euphie got close, she let out a little gasp.
Kururugi Ramen was a small restaurant, a little mom-and-pop. Its paint was chipping, and tiny paper lanterns lined the roof. The store name was scrawled on the front in blank paint, and, underneath that, elegant kanji was written in red ink. Euphie could not decipher it, but she presumed that was how the store's name was written in Japanese.
…And covering nearly inch of the store were hamburgers.
Big hamburgers and little hamburgers. Every color of the rainbow. They were painted all over Kururugi Ramen from the roof to the windows to the walkway. There was no doubt in Euphie's mind that the perpetrator belonged to her father's company, and she resolved to set things straight.
Firstly, she hired a team to clean the paint off Kururugi Ramen, telling them to keep her name anonymous. Secondly, she worked up the courage to broach the subject with her siblings.
She brought it up during a minor financial meeting. Charles had not even bothered to show up, so her brother, Schenizel, the deputy president, was acting as chairperson.
Before anyone had a chance to say anything, Euphie blurted out, "An employee of Britannia Burger vandalized Kururugi Ramen."
For a moment, it was dead silent, and Euphie could feel her cheeks heating up. Maybe she should have just kept her mouth shut…
"…What's Kururugi Ramen?" Odysseus asked.
"It's a small restaurant in Pendragon. I've heard of it," Schneizel said, voice smooth and even. Euphie shot him a grateful look. "How was it specifically vandalized, Euphie?"
"Oh. Um. Graffiti," Euphie stuttered out. "Hamburgers were painted all over the storefront."
There were several snickers from around the table, but Schneizel remained straight-faced. He was about to say something when Clovis stood up from his seat, gesturing toward Euphie ostentatiously.
"How you insult me, little sister!" he exclaimed. "It wasn't graffiti – it was a mural!"
The table erupted into a roar of laughter, and Euphie knew her face had to be tomato-red. The only ones not laughing were Cornelia and Schneizel. Schneizel's lips were pursed, and, when the others realized he did not see the hilarity, their laughter quickly died off. Schneizel did not speak until it had gone completely silent.
"So Clovis," Schneizel said, "you admit to vandalizing Kururugi Ramen?"
"I…" Clovis' eyes widened. "Brother, you have to realize that I—"
Schneizel put his hand up, and Clovis immediately shut his mouth, eyes large and fearful. "That was a poor judgment call, Clovis," Schneizel said, no trace of anger in his voice but his eyes narrow and intense. "I expect more from the newly appointed executive vice president."
Clovis' face reddened, his mouth open like a gaping fish, and Euphie couldn't help but feel a little victorious.
After the meeting, she approached Schneizel. "I appreciate you seeing things from my point of view, Brother," Euphie said, smiling brightly. "Hopefully, something like that won't ever happen again."
Schneizel nodded. "What our brother did was foolish," he said. "If he was that set on sabotaging Kururugi's business, then he should have hired someone to do it at his behest. If he was caught, then he would have sullied the name of Britannia Burger, and we would possibly have to deal with a legal proceeding." Schneizel sighed. "At any rate, it was unnecessary. Kururugi Ramen is a dying business, and it is suffering enough as it is."
Euphie's heart sank.
The thing about the pants was that they were tight. Really, reallytight. So tight that Suzaku felt that all the blood circulation to his groin had been cut off.
They really should have been called boner-not-possible-pants.
But, then again, it was pretty difficult to get a boner in any case when 1) the stench of grease and fried food was bombarding your nasal passageways, and 2) an overly cheerful person was breathing down your neck.
"I think it looks great on you! Really shows off your butt!"
Suzaku had met Gino Weinberg all of five minutes ago. Tops. Their introduction involved Gino smiling a smile that could melt the sun, shaking Suzaku's hand so hard that it felt like his arm would tear off, and proclaiming that, since Suzaku was a rookie, he would be taking him under his wing and showing him the ropes of fry cookery. Did Suzaku know the first thing about Gino? No. Did Gino know the first thing about Suzaku? No. Did that in any way deter Gino from slinging his arm around Suzaku's shoulders, resting most of his weight against him, and complimenting his ass? No. No, apparently not.
But Suzaku couldn't really complain. At least there was someone willing to help him out. And the Britannia Burger uniform wasn't sobad once you got past the whole dick constricting business. Yeah, it was a little dorky, and whoever designed it had been a little overzealous with the stripes, but it worked. Suzaku even liked the little paper hat a bit.
Suzaku inspected himself in the full-length mirror. Yeah, he looked all right. It was quite a bit different from the yukatahe used to wear while working at Kururugi Ramen, but he could adapt.
Suddenly, Gino jabbed him in the chest.
"You still need a nametag, though."
Suzaku blinked. Gino grinned and gestured toward his own uniform where a tag that read 'GINO WEINBERG' was written in red, chunky letters
"Oh," Suzaku said. "Where do I get one?"
"I'll make one for you right now!"
And before Suzaku could respond, Gino managed to pull a red Mr. Sketch marker and post-it note out of his too-tight pants. Both of Suzaku's eyebrows shot up. Gino then proceeded to uncap the marker, scribble down something on the post-it note, and smack it against Suzaku's chest as if he were a bulletin board.
Suzaku inspected himself once again in the mirror. The post-it note branded him 'SUZZAKU KAMUZAKI."
"Um," Suzaku said, "it's Kururugi, actually." He wasn't even going to bother mentioning the extra "z" in Suzaku.
Gino cocked his head to the side, eyes wide and confused. "…What?"
"My last name is—" Suzaku stopped short. Did it reallymatter in the long run if his name was butchered while working at Britannia Burger? No, he decided. No, it did not. "…Never mind. What should I start out with?"
Gino blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Is there, you know, a job I could be doing?"
"Oh, there's plenty of time for that!" Gino broke into another sun-melting smile. "First, you need the grand tour!"
Gino turned on his heel and started walking away, leaving Suzaku no choice but to follow. They exited the employee changing room/ paper cups storage room and entered what appeared to be bendy straw storage room.
"So, uh," Suzaku said, walking faster to match Gino's stride, "how long have you worked here?"
"A little under a month. Parents said I needed to learn responsibility, the value of a hard earned dollar – that whole spiel." Gino smirked. "Same with you?"
"…Not really." Suzaku didn't really feel like filling this Gino guy in on the details.
But Gino didn't seem to care. He opened another door and grinned as he waved his arm across the room.
"And this, Suzaku Kamuzaki, is where the magichappens."
Suzaku eyes widened. What lay before him was the epitome of efficiency. This didn't look like a fast food establishment. No, it looked like a factory. There were rows and rows of grills as far as the eye could see. The people manning the grills appeared to be part automaton. The faces around the room were expressionless, solemn. These people looked like gravediggers, not fry cooks.
…Except for one.
"Is that girl…texting?" Suzaku asked. It seemed almost surreal that in an environment that was almost machine-like a single person would be fooling around on their cell phone.
Gino merely nodded, still smiling. "Yep," he said. "That's Anya Alstreim. She's a fry cook like yours truly."
Anya shared the same dull expression as the other fry cooks. However, unlike the others who were furiously flipping patties, she held her spatula limply at her side while furiously tapping away on her iPhone.
Gino walked right up to her and clapped a hand on her shoulder. She did not bother to look up. Did not even flinch. Her gaze was focused on her iPhone screen.
"Hey, Anya," Gino said, "who's sexting you now?"
"Angry Birds," Anya answered tonelessly.
Gino leaned forward to peer over her shoulder. "Huh. I thought you had the high score," he said.
"A twelve-year-old boy in Indonesia has me beat." Suddenly, her fingers stilled, and she looked up. She blinked at Suzaku and cocked her head to the side. "And who are you?"
"Suzaku. Er, the burgers are burning."
Anya's expression did not change when she registered that most of the burgers on her grill had blackened to a crisp. If anything, she seemed used to it.
"Oh. Thank you," she said, lifting her spatula and flipping each of the burgers once over before returning to her phone.
"Now I need to introduce you to the French Fry Brigade!" Gino exclaimed. He began walking away again, and Suzaku was forced to maneuver around the tightly packed grills and past the robot-like fry cooks.
They ended up in front of some guys who were busy dunking fries in grease. Gino clapped one of them on the back.
"This," Gino said, "is Rivalz Cardemonde. He has the prestigious honor of making sure Britannia Burger's fries clog your arteries with saturated fat. Guaranteed or your money back."
Rivalz looked up from his grease dunking and smiled at Suzaku. "So, you're the new guy," he said. "What's your name?"
"Suzaku—" Suzaku started
"—Kamuzaki!" Gino finished.
"Welcome aboard, Kamuzaki." Rivalz shook Suzaku's hand, and gave Gino a rather…odd look.
"Right," Gino said, his smile faltering. "Follow me, Suzaku."
Suzaku tagged behind Gino into a utilities closet, feeling kind of uneasy. Gino looked pretty guilty, and he wasn't smiling anymore. He turned his back to Suzaku and began rummaging around, talking as he did so.
"The thing is Suzaku…well, Britannia Burger is kinda like…a ship, and everyone needs to do their part in order for the ship to run smoothly, y'know? Not everyone can be the captain or first mate, and, well, since you're the new guy, your job is to swab the…poop deck." Gino turned back around.
Suzaku was handed a plunger.
At first, Suzaku didn't really understand. Like Gino said, he was the new guy, so it made sense that he would be given the…less than desirable tasks. He didn't see what was so horrible about having to clean up the bathrooms.
Then, he actually went inside the men's restroom.
Yeah, not a pretty sight. It was pretty clear that it hadn't been cleaned in eons. The floor was practically drenched in urine; the stalls were covered in graffiti, and…god, why would anyone even think about doing thatin a urinal?
But Suzaku sucked it up. He needed this job. Kururugi Ramen needed him to have this job. So, he held his breath and started with the urinal…
By the time he finished, the bathroom was spotless. One could actually see their reflection in the mirrors, and the toilets were more white than brown. He smiled and admired his hard work before exiting the bathroom.
"Where do you think you'regoing?" A woman donning a Britannia Burger uniform was staring straight at him.
"Um, I finished cleaning the bathroom," Suzaku said, holding up the plunger.
The woman raised an eyebrow. "Bothof the bathrooms?"
"…What do you mean?"
"The women'sbathroom as well?"
"…Um, no."
"Well." The woman smirked. "Get on it, boy."
Suzaku knocked on the women's restroom.
"Hello," he called out.
No response. He opened the door a peek. No one seemedto be inside.
"Hello," he called out again.
Again, no response. He cautiously entered the women's restroom and was relieved to see that it was much, much cleaner than the men's. That's one thing Suzaku liked about girls: they were generally more hygienic.
Suzaku bent down and began removing cleaning products from the cabinet under the sink when he heard a noise.
Shitshitshitshit.
He turned around to see a girl with pigtails and glasses coming out of one of the stalls. Her eyes were very, very wide.
"I-I'm really sorry!" Suzaku spluttered. "I didn't know anyone was in here. I called but no one…"
Suzaku trailed off when he realized the girl was trembling. She looked fearful, but she was advancing toward him, her eyes terrified, and her hands clutching her purse.
Then, she reached inside her purse.
Bawling his eyes out in the women's restroom was probably one of the last things Suzaku expected to do on his first day of work.
But here he was, tears streaming down his face as he attempted to flush his eyes out with water. The girl left while Suzaku was uttering a string of profanities, and, luckily, no other women had come in after that.
Finally, Suzaku looked up at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and still stung a bit, and his face was blotchy. It was pretty obvious that he had been crying. Still, his dignity was the last thing on his mind, so he exited the restroom with a tear-stained face. His thinking was that if he got a key from someone, he could lock the women's restroom from the inside, so he didn't have to worry about the incident repeating itself while he cleaned.
It just so happened that he ran into Rivalz.
"Jeez, dude," he said, giving Suzaku a once-over. "I know the bathrooms stink, but don't you think you're overreacting?"
"A girl maced me."
Rivalz's eyes widened. "Woah, seriously?" Suzaku nodded. "That really sucks, man." Suzaku nodded again. "But, y'know, things can only get better from here."
Suzaku could only hope.
After a couple days, Suzaku's co-workers finally took pity on him. They unanimously decided that he would no longer be singularly forced to clean the bathrooms. Instead, he was to bus tables. He was moving up in the world.
It was a fairly easy job. Since Britannia Burger was a fast food restaurant, most people threw their food away, so all he had to do was wipe down the tables and seats. It left Suzaku with a bit of free time…
…to watch as Kewell terrorized the customers.
Suzaku wasn't sure what the man's official position was, but it seemed all he did was snarl and kick people out of the restaurant. Suzaku could only wince as customers had their food (literally) thrown in their faces as they were (literally) booted out the door.
One time, Suzaku watched in horror as Kewell picked a small boy out of his seat, while he was sucking on a milkshake. "At Britannia Burger, efficiency is everything," Kewell had roared at the trembling child. "And your eating habits are inefficient to this establishment." And, with that, he shoved the boy out of the restaurant.
Suzaku sympathized with the customers and tried to help them out when he could. At Kururugi Ramen, he had worn a bright smile, always ready to give someone an extra helping of rice or another bowl of miso soup. At Britannia Burger, his smile was a little less bright (he was sleeping less than four hours a night, after all), but he was more than happy to fetch someone a bendy straw or throw away their meal for them.
He even began to deliver customers' meals to their tables. It was customary for people to pick up their meals, but it always involved elbow jabbing and chaos. Suzaku thought he was just giving a little assistance. He didn't think it was that big of a deal until…
"Kamuzaki."
At first, Suzaku didn't turn around and continued his table cleaning.
"Kamuzaki!"
Oh, right. He was Suzzaku Kamuzaki now – not Suzaku Kururugi. Suzaku whirled around, plastering an apologetic smile on his face. In front of him stood Jeremiah Gottwald, his manager. Needless to say, Jeremiah did notlook happy.
"I'm sorry, sir," Suzaku said. "What is it?"
Jeremiah's eyes narrowed. "Kamuzaki, I would like a word with you…in my office."
And with that, Jeremiah turned on his heel. Suzaku followed and was led into a surprisingly spacious room. Jeremiah sat down behind a desk.
"Take a seat, Kamuzaki."
Suzaku sat down, beginning to feel nervous. Was he going to be fired? He needed this job.
"Do you know why you're here?" Jeremiah asked.
Suzaku shook his head. "No, sir," he admitted. "I don't."
Jeremiah frowned. "Did you read your employee handbook?"
Suzaku knew lying would get him nowhere. "I…skimmed." He winced when Jeremiah's gaze hardened.
"So, you are completely ignorant in regard to customer service policy?"
Suzaku nodded, feeling his face heat up.
"Britannia Burger's customer service policy is that we treat our customers like sheep," Jeremiah stated, frown still in place. "We feed the sheep, but that is the extent of the service or respect we provide them. If the sheep become unruly and overstay their welcome, then we throw them out. If the sheep have problems, then we do not listen to them because they are mere animals." Jeremiah leaned forward in his seat. "Do you understand, Kamuzaki?"
With wide eyes, Suzaku swallowed and nodded. "I…understand, sir."
"By serving the customers, you are not only being insubordinate, but you are also giving them unwarranted self-importance," Jeremiah continued. "What you did went completely against company policy."
"I understand, sir." Suzaku was going to get fired. He knew it, and he braced himself…
"However, I am not firing you."
"You're not?" Suzaku blurted out before he could stop himself.
Jeremiah shook his head. "No, but you will be punished for your actions."
Suzaku heaved a sigh of relief. After his first day, he could handle any punishment.
A couple of middle school boys threw rocks at him. Some teenage girls jeered at him. ("I dare you to go ask out Burger-Boy over there." "Ew, no way. He's such a loser.") A mother walking with her son glared at him. ("Why is that man dressed like a hamburger, mommy?" "Because he didn't go to college, honey.")
But, all in all, it wasn't such a bad day.
The tights he had to wear scratched skin, and the costume was beginning to make him sweaty, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Suzaku smiled and waved and gladly advertised Britannia Burger even when people sent him either glares or looks of sympathy.
Hours and hours passed under the sun in front of Britannia Burger, but Suzaku's smile never wavered, and he delivered his sales pitch with gusto: "A Britannia Burger will brighten your day!"
When a pretty pink-haired girl walked toward Suzaku, he smiled, and, surprisingly, she actually smiled back. She walked closer to him and cocked her head to the side.
"It must be awful having to wear that," the girl said.
"It's not that bad," Suzaku said with a shrug. "Besides, I deserve it."
The girl's eyes widened. "This is a punishment?"
"Yeah." Suzaku smiled sheepishly. "I wasn't following protocol."
"Were you helping out customers?"
"Yeah, but I wasn't supposed to, so—" Suzaku cut himself off when he noticed that the girl was no longer smiling. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her nostrils were flared, and she looked…furious.
"I'm having a word with the manager," the girl said. Her tone was surprisingly cold.
Suzaku's eyes widened. Shit. He was really going to get fired now. This girl had good intentions, but if she talked to Jeremiah, then he was screwed. No way around that.
"Um, no, uh…" Suzaku grasped for words. "…that's fine. You really don't have to do that."
"I've made up my mind." She shook her head. "I should have listened to my brother. He was right. This is completely unjust."
No, whoever her brother was, he was wrong. Verywrong. "It's not that big of a deal," Suzaku said, trying not to sound frantic. "You really shouldn't worry about it."
"And allow Britannia Burger to perpetuate such a discriminatory policy?" the girl countered, looking Suzaku straight in the eye. She began walking toward the door before he could answer.
"Please…please don't," Suzaku said weakly.
But she was already inside, and it was pretty hard to run after someone when you were a giant hamburger.
The restaurant was not particularly impressive. The writing was gaudy, the paint was chipping, and Lelouch wasn't particularly sure he wanted to step inside.
It was his first assignment: write a critique on any restaurant in Pendragon.
"The only exception is Britannia Burger," Diethard had said with a cheeky smile. "You will not be writing about them. No yet, at any rate."
The problem was that there was only oneother restaurant in Pendragon besides Britannia Burger: Kururugi Ramen. Lelouch continued to stare at the storefront disdainfully. Did they even serve authentic Japanese?
It didn't matter. He had to try it out - even if it meant trying out all of their ersatz Asian dishes and giving them a three star rating. Lelouch pushed open the door.
"Konnichiwa! Welcome to Kururugi Ramen!"
Standing before him was a small, smiling Asian girl wearing a kimono. Her eyes were very big and…green. But before Lelouch could ponder why or how an Asian person could possibly have green eyes, the girl began talking again.
"Are you a food critic?"
Lelouch blinked. "…What?"
"A food critic." Her smile was so big it looked to Lelouch like it must hurt her cheeks. "You're carrying a notebook."
That he was. Black and spiral-bound. "Oh," Lelouch said. "Yes. Yes, I am."
The girl clapped her hands together. "Well, that's just splendid! Follow me, and I'll find you a table."
If possible, the interior of Kururugi Ramen was even more rundown than the exterior. Not only was the restaurant completely vacant, but also, by the looks of it, cobwebs were growing on the tables and chairs. Lelouch sat down at a table located near the center of the room, and the girl shoved a menu in his hands while he was busy wrinkling his nose.
"I'm Kaguya Sumeragi, and I will be your server," the girl said, pulling out a pad and pen from underneath her obi. "Is there anything I can get you to drink?"
Lelouch glanced down at the menu and recognized nothing. "What would you recommend?"
"Hmm, well I've always liked ramune. It's fizzy and tastes like bubblegum."
Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "...I suppose I could try that."
"Great!" Kaguya scribbled something down on her pad. "Would you like to order your food now or would you like more time?"
"I'll order now."
Kaguya's face lit up. "Well," she said, "the special today is the Sumeragi Sushi Platter, and that comes with—"
"I'll have ramen," Lelouch said, cutting her off.
Kaguya blinked. "What?"
"Kururugi Ramen is famous for its ramen, is it not?"
"Oh, of course! But we have many different types. There's shio and tonkotsu and shoyu and misoand—"
"I'll have all of them."
Kaguya's eyes widened to a ridiculous extent. "All…of them?"
"Yes." Lelouch straightened and smiled. "If I'm going to give your restaurant a fair critique, then it's important that I'm thorough in my tasting. Don't you agree?"
Kaguya nodded, still smiling. "Yes, you're right." She scribbled Lelouch's order down. "We'll get started on your food right away."
Lelouch watched as she bounded into the kitchen, somehow managing not to trip over her kimono. For a few moments, it was silent. Then, there was a deafening crash. Lelouch winced.
"Kuso! Are you serious? I have to make all this for one…Britannian?"
"Ssh! Kallen, he might hear you!"
"He can't even eat all of this!"
"He's a paying customer, and he's a…"
"He's a what?"
"Well, he's a food critic."
"What? He's a food critic?"
"Yes, and he's come to review the restaurant."
"Why did you tell me this earlier?"
"He just got here. Don't add so much chili pepper. You're going to make him sick."
"I can do what I damn well please. Why are you in the kitchen, anyway? I don't need a babysitter."
"Well, Suzaku was usually the one who made the food so I thought—ow! You're so mean! That's going to leave a bruise, you know."
A few more banging noises and many "kusos" later, Kaguya finally emerged from the kitchen, balancing bowls upon bowls of ramen. She miraculously managed to set the bowls down along with the ramune drink without spilling anything. All of this was done with the same cheery smile as before.
"Enjoy your meal."
Lelouch wasn't doing this for enjoyment. This was business. He plucked his chopsticks off the table, slid the nearest bowl toward himself, and yanked out some noodles. Open mouth, chew, and swallow. Lelouch's eyes widened.
"This is…"
AN: Okay, I was planning on finishing this before I posted it, but then I decided I didn't really want to have to post everything at once. Because I'm lazy. Ahem.
Anyway, this is being written for the Code Geass Kink Meme (to fill a pretty epic prompt), and I've had a lot of fun writing this so far. This fic should be fairly light lighthearted, but the writing is subject to change to 'M' 'cause I'll probably add smut. ;)
Thanks for reading!