In those rare moments when he wasn't running for saving his life (that was most of his time), or Amy wasn't asking him to stop in a sunny beach, he had to stop and find something to do. Because in those moments, he would find himself too alone with his thoughts. He would start fixing the TARDIS, or searching for anything to read in the library. If he didn't find anything worth his atention, he would start remembering. Remembering those golden memories that he had focused on denying for so long.
Of course he would never admit it. He ran and never look back. He had more of 1000 years doing it. Looking back wasn't allowed. It was too painful to do.
And that's why when Amy would eventually ask him if he was ok, he would give the biggest smile he could afford, and say that yes. He was always ok.
At least Rory wasn't like his wife. He never asked. Either if he didn't care, or was too shy to try. The Doctor didn't care. For him it was better that way.
But the Doctor perfectly knew, that both of them cared for him. Just as he cared for them. But he would never tell them, why sometimes they would see a broken smile, or his eyes would fill with memories, when anything would remember her.
Her.
The reason why he was the man he was.
The reason why he was still fighting.
The reason why he had to get distracted in his spare moments.
To avoid the melancholy. The pain of remembering. The hugs, the look in her face when she was amused, or extremely happy. Or that sparkle in her eyes when he showed her a spectacular planet. The warmth of her hand in his. The tongue in her teeth when she gave him her smile. That special smile that had always sent his hearts a mile per hour.
Sometimes he would find himself wondering what was of her life. Did she married him? Did they had children? How would they look?
He was sure they would have her beautiful eyes. He would stay hours trying to imagine how she would be with a baby in arms, singing a lullaby.
Other days he would be angry with himself. Why had he had to force her to stay with him. Didn't she had the right to choose? What had happened with him in those moments?
He would remember how she had reacted when he had told her the words. Those words he would never be able to say to her.
He would remember the pain he felt when she had kissed him. And how he didn't allow her to say goodbye.
Other days he would try to convince himself that he had done the best. She deserved to be happy. And ''Handy'' would give her everything he would had desired, and what he would never give her.
And just in some moments, he would think selfishly and wonder if things worked out with them. Maybe she coudn't love him. Maybe she left him.
There were moments he wished she was finding a way back to him.
And then he would find himself giving himself hope. Something he coudn't afford. Because the reality was different.
And then he would start all over again.
Trying to not remember her.
Trying to forget, but never really doing it.