It's interesting, the things that'll break a person.
Shepard has been through a lot since joining the alliance. She survived a thresher maw attack that should have killed her, fought an ancient, sentient machine that the council refuse to believe had intended to summon its whole race from dark space to kill every advanced organic race in the galaxy… hell, she even died, only to be brought back to life by a terrorist organisation she'd had more that a few run-ins with in the past. None of that broke her; it barely scratched the surface, actually. At the end of the day, she's a soldier, and soldiers have to do things that would break civilians.
So why is it that Shepard is now sat alone in her private quarters, crying into her pillows?
She really shouldn't be; she's Commander Shepard, the hero of the citadel, the first human spectre! She should be calm, collected, and in control at all times, never once allowing herself to falter. It's ironic in a way, really; she's a glowing example of all humanity is capable of, yet she can never truly show herself being human. Heaven forbid that people remember that she is a woman, and that she has always been just that, long before she was a soldier…
So then, what is it that finally pushed Shepard over the edge?
Why, it was a few words from an old squad mate, of course.
When Shepard had heard Kaidan was on Horizon during the collector attack… she was terrified. Losing Ash on Virmire was so painful, and the thought of her sacrifice being in vain hurt Shepard in a way she didn't expect. Still, Shepard had kept her cool, never once letting on just how much she feared for her former subordinate.
By the time the collector ship had fled, Shepard could feel her heart in her stomach. It was like a nightmare, watching someone who was once a part of her team being taken away, by a race of creatures that were planning to do fuck knows what to him. Just as she was planning to return to the Normandy for a long shower and an even longer drink, Kaidan had appeared, completely unharmed.
Shepard had found herself fighting the urge to rush over to him and hug him, such was the strength of her relief. After all she's lost, it was nice to find one more familiar face in the galaxy, especially given that said face had stood by her during some of the most difficult moments of her career.
However, relief seemed to be the furthest thing from Kaidan's mind.
He was angry at her, that much she could tell. She'd desperately tried to make him understand what had happened to her over the last two years, but he just wouldn't listen. The things he accused her of, and the words he said… they hurt. It was as if a knife stabbed her right in the chest every time he spoke. By the time they had parted ways, Shepard felt utterly broken. To think that Kaidan even had it in him to say such things…
It's not as if she was closer to Kaidan than any other member of her squad. There had been a rumour going around that he felt more than just respect for Shepard, but she'd opted to ignore it. After all, she had enough on her plate back then, what with having to fight Saren, Sovereign, the council… adding fraternisation to that list probably would have been too much for her to juggle.
With no real involvement, Shepard would have assumed that his words would have glanced off of her with ease; it's just a shame that's not the case…
Shepard lets out a frustrated cry. It's days like this that she misses her parents desperately. They would have taken the time to listen to her grief and frustration, and comforted her on it. They would have made her feel so much better, perhaps even reassured her that she isn't the monster Kaiden seems to think she is. As it is, who does she really have that she can talk to? Everyone on the Normandy sees her in exactly the same way every other person in the galaxy does. Sure, she may banter with Joker or Garrus from time to time, but so what? They're probably half afraid of what she'll do if they don't go along with it. Perhaps they see her exactly the same way Kaidan does, only they've never had the guts to say it? It would hurt her a lot if it were true; she's always counted Joker and Garrus amongst her precious few friends. Still, even that's not a guarantee they'll stand by her…
…Shepard only hopes that the next lot of dossiers contain people that'll risk death for a paycheck.
Emotionally exhausted, Shepard is about to take a nap, when she's interrupted by EDI's voice coming from seemingly nowhere. 'Shepard, Garrus is requesting access to your private quarters. Should I send him up?' Garrus? Why? What does he want? Has he come up with some brand new way to calibrate the main gun? Either way, she's not sure if she can bare being Commander right now…
She's about to say no, when she considers the implications. What kind of commander doesn't have time for a subordinate? It would feel wrong telling Garrus to go away, no matter how rotten she's feeling right now.
Shepard nods, even if she's unsure if EDI can see. 'Send him up, EDI.' Hastily, Shepard begins wiping the moisture from her eyes, hoping that Garrus won't notice that she's been crying. She's had her moment of being a woman; now she has to be the commander once more.
It only takes a moment for the lift to bring Garrus up into her private rooms, the Turian apparently trying to knock on her door before it opened automatically. Doing his best to act like it never happened, Garrus approaches Shepard cautiously, as if he's concerned that EDI has let him up without asking.
Sighing again, Shepard breaks the tense silence that has descended upon them. 'What do you need, Garrus?' As uncertain as she is about having visitors right now, Shepard can't deny that it's nice having him around. Then again, just seeing him reminds her that she still has a lot to lose in her fight against the reapers…
Garrus steps ever closer, caution still very much present in his features. He eyes Shepard with slight apprehension before talking. 'Actually Shepard, I was wondering if you needed anything. Horizon… well, it wasn't exactly an easy mission. I just wanted to make sure that you're okay.' Oh. That's a switch. Usually it's Shepard trying to pick up the pieces with her team. It's nice of him to check on her for a change. Not that she's willing to spill her guts…
Shepard shrugs, still trying to keep her cool. As much a friend as he is, she always has to remember that she's the commander here, and nothing will make a soldier lose respect for a commander than seeing them wailing like a banshee over a few headed words.
Garrus sighs far harder than she's even seen him do before. 'Alright Shepard, quit the bullshit. I know everyone else here thinks the sun shines out of your ass, but I know better. I was with you when you risked everything to fight Saren, and I've seen you do things that would make the whole of C-sec faint. Well, maybe not all of them, but you're no saint, Shepard. You're human, and you're allowed to feel things. You're also one of the few friends I have left in the galaxy, so I'm not leaving here until you start talking.' Garrus folds his arms, and leans casually against the nearby wall.
Shepard has to take a moment to fully digest his words. He always has been able to see right through her, hasn't he? C-sec lost hell of an officer… still, he may see through her, but that doesn't mean her will is going to break. She'll just stare him down until he walks away…
…It takes all of a minute of staring at Garrus for Shepard to lose her composure completely.
Her tears seem endless as her sorrow consumes her again, said tears blinding her completely as they fill her eyes. She can feel a physical pain in her stomach, one that causes her to double over. All she can do at that point is just keep on crying, and hope that Garrus doesn't think any less of her for doing so.
After a few moments of crying, Shepard's tears are momentarily cut off by a surprised gasp, as she feels a strong arm wrap itself around her shoulders unexpectedly. Garrus uses said arm to pull Shepard into his body, cradling her awkwardly as she sobs.
When Shepard finally regains the ability to speak, her words come out in a mess of chocking sobs. 'I… you shouldn't… I'm sorry…' talking only makes the sobbing worse, but Garrus holds firm, keeping his grip on Shepard.
He gently rests his uninjured jaw against the top of her head, his neck bending at an awkward angle to do so. He tries his best to think up words of comfort, but he's at a loss. The only woman he's ever spent much time around is his sister, and he's never once seen her this upset.
Garrus gives it his best shot anyway; it's not like he can make things worse. 'Shepard, you took down three groups of mercenaries to get me out of an impossible situation. There is nothing you can do that'll make you less of a badass in my eyes. Well, except submitting to the reapers of course, but I know you're better than that.' Shepard is beginning to wonder. After all, what did her resistance earn her? A dead team mate, a title that means nothing, and an early grave. She's still ended up submitting to something; if anything, working with Cerberus is worse than being a slave to the reapers.
Shepard manages a snort of disbelief. 'Yeah, right.' She's tempted to push him away, but she can't bring herself to do so; as awkward as it is, his embrace is rather comforting.
Garrus removes his face from her head, and uses his free hand to force Shepard to look at him.
His voice is full of certainty. 'I'm a Turian, Shepard. We know badasses when we see them.' Shepard shorts again, something that makes Garrus relax slightly before he continues talking. 'Before everything else though, you're human, Shepard. You've had more shit poured on you than any other human in recent memory. Yet here you are, alive despite all of that. It's a miracle, Shepard, even if it's one that Cerberus paid for.' Well, at least Garrus sees it that way. The same can't be said for…
Shepard is still looking Garrus in the eyes when she speaks. 'Kaidan doesn't seem to think so.' Well, she's somehow now gone from 'don't tell him anything' to 'here is the precise cause of my current emotional issues'. Shepard wouldn't be surprised if Garrus really did think less of her after this. After all, Garrus was there with her on Horizon. He heard what Kaidan said. He'll probably tell her that she's taken it the wrong way, or that he has every right to be upset.
To her surprise, Garrus seems to tense up a little before speaking. 'Kaidan was out of line. He had no right to speak to you like that. You've had to make a lot of tough decisions in your time, none of which you've made lightly. If Kaidan is unwilling to see that working with Cerberus is one of those decisions, then that's his problem. Then again, maybe I'm slightly bias.' At least Garrus seems to understand Shepard's situation, or is at least willing to try to. She can't help but wonder though…
She opts to verbalise her pondering. 'Bias how, Garrus? Because you're my friend? I though you'd already figured out the sun doesn't shine out of my ass.' Shepard is also curious where Garrus picked up that expression from, but that's a question for another day.
If Turians could blush, Shepard is certain Garrus would be the colour of a steamed lobster right now. 'Well, there's that obviously, but also… look, I want to start off by saying that I have nothing against Kaidan as a soldier. I don't have much against him as a person either, except… Spirits, Shepard, I shouldn't be telling you this. Not with how you're feeling right now.' Okay, now Garrus has Shepard's curiosity piqued.
Her tears almost forgotten now thanks to her curiosity, Shepard gives Garrus a playful nudge. 'Come on, don't leave me hanging Garrus. I've barred my feeling to you; it's your turn now.' Garrus shifts a bit in response, his hand falling away from Shepard's face carefully, trying not to scratch her with his talons. Shepard is saddened by the lack of contact, but she's not sure why; again, probably a question best left for another time.
Taking in a deep breath, Garrus finally gives in. 'It's just… well, you know how people get when they go on missions as dangerous as ours. Emotions are constantly on edge, and people… well, one thing that all species seem to share is that when the going gets tough… I have put this in the worst way possible, haven't I? Let me try again…
'Men have needs. Woman have needs too. Sometimes, under certain circumstances, these needs become more pressing. Take our current mission, for example. I'm sure you've seen the way that some crew members have been looking at each other. It's a totally natural thing, and I normally wouldn't hold it against someone, but when you hear someone saying things about someone you care about, it's different. It's personal, Shepard.' Garrus looks away then, unwilling to hold Shepard's stare as she puts the pieces together.
After a few moments, Shepard reaches a conclusion. 'So, you heard Kaidan say a few inappropriate things about me, and that's why you don't think much of him? Is that the gist of it?' She has to admit, she's never taken Garrus for someone who gets easily offended. She's had men making comments like that for years. Hell, she's even made a comment or two herself in the past. Like Garrus said, it just happens when hormones are running high.
Garrus nods, grabbing onto Shepard's shoulder a little harder. Shepard almost jumps in shock; she's already gotten so used to its presence that she'd forgotten it was even there.
After a deep breath, Garrus speaks again. 'It was more than a few, Shepard, and it wasn't just him. It just made me feel so angry, hearing them talk about you like you were a piece of meat. That's why I spent most of my time in the cargo bay with Wrex; the only comments he ever made about you were about your battle tactics. I'm sorry you had to hear about all this from me. Still, I think you can add it to your list of reasons why you should ignore what he said to you. He's probably just mad that you didn't… whatever word you humans have for that.' Shepard is torn between laughing, and bringing in Garrus for a hug. It's sweet to think that Garrus has been holding grudges against people he thinks have dishonoured her with their perverse thoughts.
Shepard ends up setting on a smile instead. 'It's okay, Garrus. I'd already heard rumours that he had feelings for me. That's one of the reasons I spent time with you instead. You've never expected anything more from me than friendship, and I appreciate that more than I can tell you. Although, for the sake of being fair, I should tell you that I heard quite a few comments about you from some of our female crew mates, too.' Again, Shepard may have had an inappropriate thought or two of her own, but she'd always pushed them aside. Garrus is a friend, and crossing that line would surely be even worse than crossing it with a subordinate…
Garrus' eyes seem to widen at that comment. 'Really? Wow. I must admit, I'm flattered. Totally uninterested in pursuing any of those comments, but flattered nonetheless.' To her surprise, Shepard's heart seems to sink at his answer. Why does that bother her? Is she disappointed that her friend isn't interested in finding a girlfriend?
Shepard gives Garrus another friendly nudge. 'Come on, Garrus. You telling me you've never once thought about doing it with a human?' Shepard's hearts begins to act up again, as if she's dreading his answer. She really needs to calm down.
To her great disappointment, Garrus removes his arm from her shoulders, instead opting to lean back slightly, using it to support his weight. His other hand however does something that sends Shepard's heart straight up into her throat; he places it on her thigh, barely applying any pressure.
Garrus and Shepard lock eyes again, and when Garrus speaks, it's barely a whisper. 'Well, if 'it' means what I think it does, then yes, I have, though I've only ever had one woman in mind. Maybe that's why Kaidan and I never really bonded; we tend to hate in others the flaws we see in ourselves.' His words are so poetic, and Shepard can feel herself drawing ever closer to him, wondering for the first time ever exactly what it would be like to kiss a Turian…
Before she can get that far, a voice interrupts her. 'Um, Commander? I've got an emergency transmission coming in from the Illusive Man.' Never mind Garrus giving her one more reason to ignore Kaiden; he's also given her another reason to hate the Illusive Man.
Shepard stands up abruptly, Garrus following suit immediately. They head over to the elevator in silence, both keenly aware of what almost transpired between them.
When they finally step into the elevator, Shepard breaks the silence, albeit with a chance of topic. 'Any news on Sidonis yet?' It's not the best topic to bring up at a time like this, but it seems like the best way to distract them both…
Garrus nods. 'I think I have a lead. I'm just waiting on confirmation.' Well, that's some good news, at least.
Shepard nods in return. 'Alright. Just let me know when you've got a fix. I'll take you wherever you need to go.' She realises that she could have made that into an innuendo; she's glad that she has more self control than that.
Garrus smiles. 'I appreciate that, Shepard. Likewise though, if you ever need anything from me, you just have to ask. I've got your back, Shepard; never forget that.' The two exchange a look, one that seems to last forever. Shepard is tempted to try for a kiss again, before once again being stopped in her tracks; by the elevator this time.
As she steps into the CIC, Shepard looks back at Garrus, a smile playing on her lips. 'Thanks, Garrus.' She gives him a friendly wave, one that earns her a questioning look from the Yeoman.
Garrus waves back, albeit far more causally than Shepard. 'Anytime, Shepard.' Is all he can say before the elevator closes, taking him to the floor below.
As Shepard heads towards to comms room, her head is no longer filled with thoughts of Kaidan, and how she's a failure or worse; instead, her head is full of Garrus, and his slightly awkward way of cheering her up.
Somehow, meeting with the Illusive Man doesn't seem so daunting when you know you've got someone in your corner no matter what.
Maybe that's the reason why Shepard is so hard to break.