A/N: This was for a school assignment. We were supposed to parody Old Man and the Sea, which I think I got down. :) Everything is written in Hemingway style, so that's is why everyone may seem a tad out of character. But, it's crack, so... meh.

So... here you are, FF, my parody before it reaches the teacher.

A Bad Hemingway

The Young Troll and the Faygo

A young troll sat at his computer, his posture lax as he reached over and scooped a dollop of green sopor slime from his pie. As he finished up his conversation, he remembered something important. "My best friend Karkat shall pay a visit today. I'd best prepare the refreshments," he drawled.

He slipped ungracefully from his seat, absently licking the slime off his fingers. The troll ambled to the feeding chamber, ever careful to duck at the entryway so his horns didn't hit the frame. They had grown quite a bit.

Opening the regulated cooling box, he retrieved a six-pack of Faygo, the blue variety. He had searched for a pack of blue Faygo for a long time, and he finally found a single pack. Faygo would forever hold its place as the young troll's most beloved drink, although no one else he met seemed to enjoy it as much as he. Eridan, one of the two sea-dwelling trolls he knew, seemed impartial to the drink. He'd tried it once, and discovered what should have been absurdly obvious. "Silly Eridan, Faygo tastes like soda, except with miracles."

The young troll thought of Eridan as his brother… er – maybe not. Perhaps he should stop that line of thinking now. No one liked the desperate sea-dweller.

He set the six-pack on the counter ever so gently. One had to handle this miraculous elixir with the same respect that one would treat themselves. He carefully removed a can from its plastic prison, the frosty exterior of the aluminum can chilling his hands. He placed one finger on the metal opener, and pulled back, anticipating that satisfying pop, followed by the sweet fizzle of escaping bubbles.

Unfortunately, no pop was heard. He seemed to have stumbled upon a stubborn can. "Oh, can. I understand your troubles, and why you would seek to keep such a wonderfully miraculous substance to yourself, brother. I understand completely."

He attempted his feat once more, only to glean a cold, aching hand. "Oh, hand," he said, "why can you not be strong like my ancestor? Why do you betray me so?" He sighed. "Oh, can, you shall be the death of me."

A harsh, angry, adolescent voice came from the doorway. "Gamzee, are you talking to yourself again?" asked Karkat.

Gamzee turned. "Friend, brother, hello. I welcome you to my humble hive." He spotted a second friend. "Oh, and it seems you have brought another guest?"

"I don't understand," Eridan said, adjusting his scarf. The sea-dweller had an odd accent that made his voice sound wavy. "Karkat, friend, I thought our destination lie at Sollux's hive, not Gamzee's."

Karkat was annoyed. "No, Eridan, never did I even mention Sollux Captor. You did not even receive any form of invitation," the irritable troll paused, "Why do we speak in such a manner? I… I cannot cease. I think I shall have a meltdown if this persists," he began to panic.

Gamzee interrupted his episode, "Karkat, my brother, please become calm," he decided to switch the topic to the obvious problem at hand. "I cannot open this miraculous can of Faygo, but I shall continue to attempt. Perhaps you should enjoy to watch?" he suggested.

Both his guests gathered behind him to observe the opening of the can.

Finally, after what seemed like forty solar sweeps, the miracle pop and sizzle came.

Eridan cheered. "Wonderful job, Gamzee, friend!" He gave the young troll a congratulatory pat on the back, except he did not gauge the strength of his strike.

"Woah!" Gamzee called as the miraculous can flew out of his hand, its marvelous blue liquid spilling out onto the floor. The cerulean aluminum can hit the floor with a dramatic metallic noise, bouncing a little before rolling harmlessly across the floor.

The three friends stared at the can blankly for a moment. "Eridan, brother," Gamzee started, "I think you'd best depart."