Title: The human way
Coda to 9.11 from what we've seen in the sneak peek.
Castiel was seated opposite Sam while the other man was researching about wendigos. Once in a while, he was asked his opinion about Sam's findings. He answered mechanically and kept thinking about the food he could no longer taste. Being an angel was a part of him, it was who he was and now that he had that back he wouldn't question it. But, not being able to enjoy a good meal was wracking his brain. He wondered what else would feel different.
What else had he enjoyed as human?
The answer was easy. He had enjoyed sex. Not the situation as was proven later, but the act. It was something new, it made him feel. Iintensely.
He grabbed his coat and walked quickly towards the door. "I won't be long."
Sam's attention was called off from his research by the loud bang of the front door. Raising his head from his laptop, he realized Castiel had left him alone. Research forgotten, he stood and got ready to prepare a meal. Dean wasn't there; Castiel had run off only he knew where… Sam was left alone. Again.
Instead of enjoying his meal, he went for a work out. His thoughts were divided between his brother and the angel. After a lot of thinking, he understood Dean's reasons. And he could forgive his brother. Strangely enough, Sam was certain he had forgiven Dean the moment Castiel had healed his wounds. What he couldn't forget was that Dean had disregarded his decision, he had totally dismissed Sam's right to do as he saw right. The fact that he no longer wanted to die notwithstanding.
And the reason he no longer wanted to die was the angel who had, for the first time, stayed with him, for him. Castiel was not much on human contact, he was blunt, tactless and refreshingly honest. Unless he was lying through his teeth, but that was mostly to reverse the Apocalypse. Or so Sam hoped. At the moment, Cass was as his most honest with Sam. And the younger Winchester loved that.
The last two weeks Castiel had become part of his life and he couldn't see it without him. When Castiel left, Sam would be really alone. Muscles aching by exertion and brain aching over unwanted thoughts –Cass would surely come back- he went for a shower.
Towel wrapped around his waist, skin still wet from the warm shower he toddled to the living groom to take his laptop to his bedroom, when he saw Castiel sitting on the sofa, watching tv, coat thrown over a chair. His usually strong friend looked dejected.
"Cass?"
Vacant, blue eyes gazed tiredly at him. "Yes?"
Sam sat next to him, his semi nakedness forgotten as a strange need to comfort Cass emerged. "Are you alright?"
"Yes?"
"That sounds more like a question and less like an answer."
"Yes."
"You are alright?"
"No. It was more a question than an answer."
Despite all, Sam smiled. Cass had a way of making him forget his worries and his depressing thoughts. "I thought you wouldn't come back."
The vacant look disappeared to have confusion appear in its place. "Why would you think something like that?"
"You didn't say anything. You just left."
"I said "I won't be long", but you didn't listen to me as you were absorbed in your reading."
"Ah…" Sam would not permit himself to blush at his mistake.
"Aren't you cold?"
He looked down at himself, realizing that he did in fact felt the cold. And on top of that, he was almost naked. "Yeah, I'll go get dressed and be back."
Castiel's attention went back to TV. He was watching "Who framed Roger Rabbit" and after Sam got dressed in jeans and a soft, warm shirt he sat next to him to watch the film with him. Castiel didn't talk to Sam and that was something new. The couple of times they watched something together, Sam found himself more invested in Cass' comments, squinting at the tv, his smiling eyes than the story itself. This time, the angel just stared on the screen but his mind was far away.
"Cass?"
"Yes, Sam?"
"What's wrong?"
Castiel let his eyes wander around, taking every little detail in the room in, while Sam went to take a glass of water and then sat on the couch next to Cass waiting patiently for him to talk. The angel leaned in front letting his elbows rest on his knees. "You remember our talk yesterday?"
Sam raised an eyebrow. They had talked about many things these last days.
"About taste and food," Castiel clarified.
"Yes. And?"
"I thought to check if everything I've enjoyed as human would feel the same now. And having sex is definitely not as good as it was when I was human."
Sam's mouthful of water ended up splashing on the flat screen. Castiel stared at him as if questioning his intelligence. Sam was used to it by now. And of course, Castiel wouldn't be stopped by something as trivial as Sam's sudden uneasiness. "Kissing was different too. Not as fulfilling." Castiel stared up at the ceiling. "Basically, I felt nothing."
Sam's didn't want to continue. He really didn't, but instead of patting Castiel friendly on the shoulder and leaving him alone to question the follies of being angelic again, he turned to him. "Why do you think this happened?" The question graced him with yet another "are you daft" Castiel glance.
"I don't know, Sam!"
"Do angels enjoy sex?"
Castiel's gaze returned to the ceiling. "I never talked about it. Balthazar seemed to…"
"But you never wanted to have sex before becoming human?" Sam wasn't certain when exactly his discomfort had changed into a need to play Dr. Ruth for Cass.
"That's true."
"But you want to do it again, now?"
"Not really. But, Sam, I miss something. I miss feeling what I felt then, the intimacy, the connection… sure, April wasn't April and that is disturbing, but those moments she was April to me, and she was kind and I felt… so many things together. But it's not the same now."
"You found a girl, yes, now that you're out?"
"She found me, actually."
"Same thing."
"You are not helping me, Sam. Nothing different came out of this conversation. It doesn't change the fact that kissing Joely felt like kissing the wall, touching her skin was almost cold. I felt nothing. So, I left her."
Sam stood and walked to the table. "I don't know what to tell you, Cass, I have never changed species."
Castiel stared at him. Hard. Sam shoved his hands in his jeans' pockets and convinced himsel he didn't want to be kissed by Castiel. "I don't really know what you want, Cass. So I can't really help."
"I want to feel again. Like humans do."
"Feelings and sex isn't the same thing, Cass. And you, as an angel know that, even though you got overwhelmed by the physical aspect of the act as a human, the same thing means nothing to you now."
Castiel thought over it for a while. "What are you saying?"
"Think about it, Cass. You'll get there."
Sam was heading towards the stairs when Castiel's gruff voice stopped him. "Don't you ever feel lonely, Sam?"
Sam turned around; his usually strong, unflappable - even when he was bloody and beaten to death - friend looked like a lost puppy. "All the time." He replied honestly.
"What does it make it better?"
"Sometimes nothing, sometimes Dean…" or a lover he wanted to add, but in Castiel's current condition he didn't know how that admission would be taken.
"And what about now? That Dean isn't here? Are you lonely now?"
Sam thought back in these last days when he re evaluated his feelings, his attempts to see things from Dean's perspective and actually managing it. And he thought about the one person who helped him through. Sam walked back towards Castiel, who stood stiff and unrelenting. "I'm not lonely."
Sam stood in front of Cass and put his hands on the angel's shoulders. They felt taut and hard so Sam slowly moved his fingers to massage them. "I'm not lonely because you're here. With me." Seconds later, the hard body underneath his palms lost its edginess. Dark, blue eyes stared up at him and a smile presented on Castiel's face.
"Thank you." Cass said and closing the short distance between himself and Sam, he wrapped his arms around Sam's back.
Surprised, Sam returned the hug.
Warmth, unbelievable warmth flooded through both of them, an absolute feeling of belonging and contentment made them tight their arms around each other for a more than was necessary for a hug between friends. Neither wanted to let go of the other.
"You're right." Castiel whispered, his breath against Sam's neck making the younger man shiver. "This feels… nice."
"Nicer than sex?" Sam tried to joke to lighten up his mood.
Castiel stared up at him. "Much better than sex. I feel loved." Castiel leaned up and kissed Sam chastely on the lips. "Thank you, Sam".
As Sam watched Cass climbing the stairs that lead to his bedroom, he wondered when he could kiss Castiel again. The angel was right for one thing. He felt loved as well.