A/N: I read couple of lines from a post I reblogged a few days ago and this just happened. It's been awhile since I've posted something and I think this turned out ok-ish so…I just decided to go ahead and show it to you guys. All mistakes are my own, so I'm apologizing in advance. Also, trigger warning: Attempt suicide, so if you don't feel comfortable with this topic please don't read it ok?
As always, please let me know what you think! :D
Learning to Fly
The cars are passing nearby, rushed and unaware. You can hear the sounds on the back of your mind, but you pay no attention to it. They pay no attention to you. But then again, why should they? They have better things to do, places to go, people to love. They don't need you. Nobody does.
And after 16 years it's comforting to know this.
Your mother will keep living her life somewhere with her new family and her new children. Your father will keep loving his bottles and his women. Your classmates will keep talking about prom night and dreaming about the future.
Nothing will change.
No one will be affected. They will notice and they may even get shocked for a while. They will whisper about you, but they won't be sad. Not really. They won't cry. They won't grieve.
It will all be ok. You'll be ok…just not here. You're done trying to be ok in this place, in this planet and in this life. You could run. Maybe graduate and leave. Get a job and built yourself a brand new life. But you know what happens to runaways and you have no interest in getting into a life that would be even worse than the one you have now, just like you have no interest in keep living this life until graduation. You've been at it for too long and you just can't take it anymore.
This is exhausting and when you stop to think about it, you can't find a good reason to keep going. So, you decided to do the most logical thing.
This has been stewing in your head for a few months now and if someone asked you why today, you wouldn't have a real answer.
Nothing special happened and you have had far darker days.
But the night is pleasantly cold and the stars are shining brightly, you had enough money saved to buy your favorite pizza and huge ice cream and you finished the last Harry Potter book before returning it safe and sound to the public library.
It was a nice day, one of the best ones you have had in a very long time. Seemed logical you should picked this to be your last one. The river below will be in charge to wash it all away, but you wanted to make sure you would have some nice thoughts to offer to it.
It will take all your pain away, the least you could do was make sure you weren't hurting so much.
Taking a deep breath, you see the moon reflecting upon the water and start to think if it's there to light your path. Maybe this is exactly where you ought to end. Maybe this was your future all along.
"I can't let you do that."
The voice startles you and for a moment you think it would be a little funny to die of a heart attack while getting ready to jump of a bridge. You catch a glimpse of blonde hair and your heart starts to beat on your throat. You shake your head. You close your eyes. And for the first time you wish she wasn't around. You wish her to be gone.
"Just keep walking."
You hear footsteps and for a moment you're thinking she's doing just that. But when you open your eyes again, is only to see that she's even closer now. Her arms braced over the railings right beside your feet. She is staring into the horizon with such abandon one would never have guesses she's talking to a jumper.
"I can't do that either." If you didn't knew better, you would have thought she was talking with herself.
"Plea…please just" You're voice starts to break and so you take a shaky breath to steady yourself. "Just keep walking, this is none of your business."
"Yeah, you're right. It isn't." She puts one of her hands on the pocket of her leather jacket and finally turns to face you. "But I still can't let you do that."
The night is bright but because of the shadows casted by the bridge, you can't see her expression. You don't know if that's good of if that's bad.
You watch her for a moment before averting your eyes. "Now is the part where you try to convince me everything will be alright?" Scoffing, you take one of your feet off the rails and keep it up on the air for a few seconds. From the corner of your eyes you see her shifting nervously and so, you place it back on the metal bar before continuing. "Will you tell me that the world is a beautiful place and that I can deal with whatever it is the brought me here?"
"Nah." She shruggles. "I mean, I could tell you that. I could even pull the 'Titanic' bullshit on you but to be honest I don't really believe it. I'm not THAT hypocrite."
Her monotonous tone more than her words are what makes you turn to her with a confused expression.
"The world sucks." She kicks an imaginary rock on the sidewalk. "People suck. They are extremely annoying and inconvenient, and most times they have no idea how much they are fucking you up. Even if they do, they'll probably never stop." The wind picks up now and you hold a bit tighter to the strutural bar that is keeping you steady. "Life sucks too. There is expectations and obligations and rules and lies and as much as you call it 'yours', it really isn't is it?"
"Wow, you are really bad at this." You can't help but to chuckle sadly.
"Never said I wasn't."
You stare at the top of her head but she keeps focused on the ground. "I'm beginning to think you just want this spot to yourself."
She seems to ponder your words a bit too much and you start to get worried she might actually join you. "To be honest with you, I never thought about that. In theory, it may have crossed my mind but I always knew I'd never go through with it."
Relieve washes over you but you decide not to pay attention to it. "Why is that? You don't take the coward way out?"
"I don't think this is coward, I just like this crap a bit too much." She waves a hand at the city behind the two of you before continuing. "It all sucks, but there's still doughnuts from the bakery across the street and burgers in the middle of the night. There's video-games and arcades. Cheese Puffs and some people that are slightly more bearable than the rest. There's the new Star Wars movie coming up and there's overpriced popcorn."
You give her a light chuckle for the second time that evening and she looks at the river again before taking a deep breath.
"There is also this girl that goes to my school." Her voice is quiet at first, a bit shy, but you can still heat it clearly in the night. "She probably don't even know I exist, but I see her on the corridors every day and I always want to go talk to her but I never do. I just watch her walk around with her thick nerd books and long sleeve shirts I rather not to think about too much."
You swallow hard at her words and it hurts your throat.
"And that's another thing that sucks." She continues. "She deserves nothing but sun shine beating upon her skin but…the world really sucks."
"It does." You agree in a whisper as you feel a tear run down your cheeks. "But you're wrong. She's just...she's just another person on a hallway, she doesn't deserve anything."
This time she's the one that chuckles sadly. "She is just another person on a hallway, yes. But she's also part of the reason why the world doesn't suck that much." Her eye search for yours but you can't bring yourself to look at her. "Part of the reason I'm not up there with you right now. So, you're the one who's wrong."
The river is looking back at you, with it's dark blue waters and you try to get lost on the color. You need to get lost on this blue so you don't search the other one. "You don't even know her, not really."
"Maybe not, but…it doesn't matter, she doesn't knows who I am either." She shakes her head and when she speaks again her voice is full with regret. "I'm just the girl that's too coward to stop looking and start talking."
You frown. "But you did."
"But only because she's on the top of a bridge and I don't want her to jump. I'm just a selfish bastard like the rest of the world."
You offer her a small nod. "I wish things were different."
"Me too." She sighs. "I wish I could help you."
"Me too."
"Can I try?"
Her voice doesn't carry much hope and you feel bad for her and for yourself. "It's not that simple."
"I didn't thought it would be but…it'll be worth it." You want to smile at her. You really do. But you can't, not yet.
"You don't know that."
She nods. "No I don't."
You sigh. "Life sucks."
She agrees. "It really does."
A few minutes pass between the two of you. You wait for her footsteps, you wait for the moment she'll turn and start to walk away, but your ears only get the sound of her breathing mixed with the running water bellow. It's peaceful in a way and you wish you could relax to the sound.
Maybe in another life you can. Maybe in another life you'll be enjoying the view with her.
You wait a little longer, until your fingers are hurting from holding into the pole and your cheeks are burning from the cold night air. "You're not walking."
"No I'm not." She says with a shaky voice and you don't know if it's because of the cold or if it's because of this…because of…you? Or maybe...maybe is because she's thinking about that other life as well.
You shake that thought away quickly. "You don't have to see this."
She nods. "I know is just…I don't want to be alone. The girl I like is about to kill herself."
You sigh. "That sucks."
She agrees. "It really does."
"But at least she knew who I was." She says a few a moment or two.
You keep staring at the river. "Did she?"
"She knew my name." You can hear the soft smile on her lips. "I have the feeling she could have got to know me better than myself."
"Is it worth it?"
"I don't know." She leans forward against the rails once again. "Probably not, but I wish she thought it was."
"Yeah?" You ask sounding more hopeful than you wanted.
"Yeah." She answers quietly. "I don't feel so alone when I see her, and I really don't want to be alone in this sucky world."
Taking a deep breath you try to dissipate the tears from behind your eyes. "Me neither."
"That's why I'm here."
This time you do grant her the traces of a smile. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this."
"What can I say? The world sucks."
The sound of your own laugh startles you and you turn to meet her gaze. "Can it suck a little less?"
"I'm not sure, but there's only one way to know." She extends a hand towards you and takes a step back.
The invitation hangs in the air as you look back at the river below you, the waters are still calling your name but so is the smell of leather jacket and bubblegum. You don't know which one is more seductive.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. You repeat to yourself while taking take one last breath. The air is chilly and your finger are numb from hold onto the structure for this long, your legs are starting to cramp and you're slightly lightheaded. You know you won't be able to hold this position for much longer, and so you let go.
You take a step towards blue and waits as it embraces you.