I Can't Be Just Friends Anymore

by whosfiregoddess01

Set after "Earthshock". Adric is dead, but while her friends mourn, all Tegan can think about is how much she wants the Doctor to love her. Alone with him in the console room one day, she makes her move.

"I Can't Be Just Friends Anymore"

And it's killing me to know you

Without having a chance to hold you

And all I wanna do is show you

How I really feel inside

You can run to me

You can laugh at me

Or you can walk right out that door

But I Can't Be Just Friends Anymore

-"I Can't Be Your Friend", D.H.T.

-1-

The small, rectangular blue box known as the TARDIS floated inconspicuously through an area of space devoid of inhabited planets or developing colonies; the Doctor had chosen to materialize in this particular part of the galaxy because of its desolate emptiness. It reminded him of the emptiness in his hearts created by the tragic death of Adric, trapped aboard the doomed space freighter as it crashed inevitably into prehistoric Earth. He, Tegan, and Nyssa had been helpless to save their young friend, and could only look on in stunned silence. In the days following Adric's demise, the three remaining humanoids aboard the TARDIS had reacted in different ways. The Doctor had ceased to put on his tan coat or brush his hair, and had absent-mindedly input coordinates into the computer, then immediately erased them, over and over again until he finally came to a decision and brought the TARDIS here, to this area of dead space. Nyssa, by far the closest to Adric of all of them, had climbed into her bed, curled up into a ball, and cried profusely; even after her crying was done, she refused to leave her bed, and had remained there ever since. Tegan, well, to be fair, Tegan's reaction seemed to be not having a reaction, and she went on with her life as if nothing had happened at all. If the others weren't so deep in their own grief and sorrow, they might have scolded the feisty stewardess for her seemingly callous behavior, but because the Doctor and Nyssa were deeply distressed, Tegan's reaction of not reacting went unnoticed and uncorrected.

On this particular day, Tegan awoke in the large bedroom she shared with Nyssa, with a loud yawn and a wide stretch, just like every morning. And, just like every morning, she climbed out of bed, shuffled to the bathroom, and washed her face; still in her pale green pajamas, she ran a comb through her short reddish brown hair and left the bathroom to kneel next to Nyssa's bed. Its occupant was awake, but showed no sign of rising.

"Nys," Tegan said gently, "is today the day you finally decide to get out of bed?"

The demure Traken girl made no verbal response, but turned to face her friend, her cheeks pink and flushed from crying, her eyes vacant and glazed.

"Rabbits, Nyssa!" Tegan teased, putting her comb down and leaning closer. "Your face is as red as a tomato!"

Nyssa smiled weakly, raising a hand to wipe her eyes. "I can't look perfect every morning like you can, Tegan. I've given up trying." she said, her voice shaky and full of sadness.

Tegan chuckled a little and shook her head.

"Are you going to get out of bed today?" she repeated.

"I don't know." Nyssa replied.

"Have you eaten anything?"

"I don't remember."

Tegan sighed: this was going nowhere.

"Look, I know you miss Adric; we all do," she began, not letting her friend's sudden anguished look get to her. "but I really don't think he'd want you to lay around starving yourself because he's not here. He wouldn't recommend starving in any situation; you know how he used to eat!"

Nyssa's frown faded into a nostalgic smile as she remembered the boy's huge appetite.

Tegan went on. "And I don't want you to starve either. So, you wash up, put on your clothes, and make your way to the kitchen. We'll make cranberry-orange muffins!"

Nyssa unconsciously licked her lips. "With hazelnut coffee?" she asked in a voice like a little girl.

"Of course!" Tegan said, laughing.

"Then I guess I can get up." Nyssa told her, slowly sitting up for the first time in days. She tossed off her blankets and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Tegan noticed that the girl still wore the cream camisole she had on under her burgundy pantsuit the day Adric died; she'd never bothered to change. Satisfied that she had successfully roused Nyssa from her stupor, the young stewardess stood up and went to get dressed.

By the time Tegan had on her purple skirt, lavender blouse, tights, and heels, Nyssa was teetering on shaky, atrophied legs toward the bathroom.

"I'll go see what the Doctor's up to while you're dressing," she announced. "I'll see if he's going to get the TARDIS moving any time soon."

Nyssa nodded and smiled, a genuine, happy smile.

One down, one to go. Tegan thought. She'd gotten Nyssa out of her funk; now it was time to get the Doctor out of his.

-2-

Tegan shivered as she made her way down the long corridor to the console room. It's not that she was cold, it just seemed the right thing to do while walking through a place so lifeless and empty. The Doctor had often told her that the TARDIS was alive, but Tegan had never been able to believe him. It just seemed like a lonely, featureless mass of neverending corridors and weird-looking walls to her.

As she walked, she let her mind wander back to the events of the past week. Her life since she met the Doctor had always been filled with danger, but nothing had prepared her for what happened on the freighter. She could still feel the icy stab of sheer terror she had felt when the Cyberleader had ordered his subordinate to kill her; she had really believed that the Doctor was just going to stand there and let her be killed. Looking back, she scolded herself for thinking so low of him, for doubting his friendship, his courage, his…his…

His love? He didn't love her, did he? No, that was just wishful thinking on her part. Tegan would admit to no one but herself that she was in love with the Doctor, and had been for a long time. She had always believed it was a hopeless, unrequited love, one that could never be returned; she and the Doctor weren't even the same species! But….but….

But the Cyberleader had asked the Doctor: "You feel affection for this female?" and he had quickly replied: "She's a friend, yes." Something in that exchange had struck Tegan, and it had stayed with her, though she didn't know why. Was that really all she was to him? Just a friend? The Cyberleader hadn't thought so. In fact, he hadn't asked at all! Tegan realized that the metal automaton wasn't asking the Doctor if he had "affection for this female", he was stating an observation! The Cyberman, emotionless and heartless as he was, had seen straight through the Doctor and found the feelings he had been trying to hide, to deny. Tegan's heart soared with this revelation. He loved her! Why did he deny it; why did he pretend she was just a friend?

With these questions hanging in the air around her, the love struck woman entered the TARDIS' console room. The Doctor stood at the console, leaning over, his hands clutching the gleaming metal edge. His coat was nowhere to be seen, and his soft, boyish blond hair was, as it had been, disheveled and uncombed. He stared off into space, his deep midnight blue eyes hollow and even more glazed than Nyssa's were. He looked so sad, so lonely, so helpless, and oh, so, so handsome! Was the Doctor even aware of how handsome he was? Tegan could stare at him all day; but she desperately wanted to do more than just stare at him. She wanted to run her fingers through his gorgeous hair and find out if it was really as soft as it looked; to take his hands in her own and to feel those hands heavy and warm on her waist; to bury her head in his chest and go limp as he lifted her chin so he could bend and kiss her lips…God, she was so in love with him it was painful!

Smoothing out her skirt and hair, Tegan walked up to the Doctor, who continued to stare off into space until she put her hand gently on his shoulder.

"Doctor? Are you alright?" she asked, as soothingly as she could. He turned slightly, shooting her a grin so fake it made her heart twist in her chest.

"Hello, Tegan," he said flatly. "How are you feeling today?"

"I asked first." Tegan pointed out.

"That you did." the Doctor chuckled, a heartwrenching sound. He sighed out an answer: "I'm surviving."

Tegan wanted to grab him and hug him as tightly as she could; he was so deflated and helpless looking. But she held herself back. "Me too." she told him.

The Doctor smiled his sad, half-hearted grin again and looked away. Tegan wondered if she should take her hand off his shoulder, but he showed no sign of shrugging it off, so she left it there.

"So, Doc," she pressed. "where are we off to next? 24th-century Earth? Medieval Europe? That planet you told us about with the beautiful forests of pink trees?"

"Yolfesta." he offered.

"Right!" she said happily. "So where are we going?"

"Nowhere." he told her with finality. "We're staying right here, Tegan. We're just going to float along, neither coming nor going." The helplessness in the Doctor's voice was unbearable to listen to.

"For how long?" Tegan whined. He didn't answer, only looked down at one of the readout screens indifferently. The answer he wasn't giving hit Tegan like a bomb: Forever. Her hand finally slipped from the Doctor's shoulder. No! No! She wouldn't let him!

"Hell's teeth, Doctor!" she snapped, stamping her foot. "We can't stay here forever!"

"And why not?" the Doctor snapped back; he turned his whole body to face her now, and his eyes flashed. He was losing his temper, which was what Tegan wanted him to do. Anything was better than watching him mope.

He continued: "Why can't we stay here? What makes anywhere else better than here?"

"Well," Tegan searched for the right words. "this place, its no place. There's nothing here!"

"Why is that so bad?" the man before her retorted.

"Because, while we're just sitting here in the middle of nothingness, there are…..villains to fight, people to meet, planets to save….."

The Doctor cut Tegan off. "I couldn't save Adric! How can I save entire planets if I couldn't save one boy? Answer me that, Tegan! Go on, answer me that!"

The tough-skinned woman met his challenge bravely. "Adric made his choice, Doc! He chose to stay behind on the freighter; if anything, he saved our lives by giving his!" She had no idea where the words tumbling from her mouth were coming from, but as she watched the Doctor's angry expression soften, she realized they were hitting home. "Adric is a hero! We should honor his memory and keep on saving the universe in his name! That's why we can't stay here; that's why you have to put in some coordinates and get the TARDIS out of here!"

Her impromptu speech over, Tegan stood her ground, panting a little from her great deluge of emotion. How was the Doctor going to react? She didn't have long to wonder, for he started to laugh! She should've been angry at him for laughing at her, but she wasn't: he was smiling for real now, the infectious, adorable twinkle was back in his eyes, and there was no trace of sadness or helplessness left on his face.

Recovering, the Doctor took a step toward Tegan and looked deep into her eyes. She had to fight the urge to swoon.

"That's my Tegan!" he grinned. "Always the one to bring me back to reality. You're absolutely right; Adric was a hero. He wouldn't want us to stay here. I am an idiot."

"No you're not, Doc!" Tegan corrected.

"Don't call me 'Doc'." he scolded, proving that he definitely was fully recovered. They shared a friendly smile, and the Doctor sighed. "Well, where should we go? I've never cared much for the 24th century or Medieval Europe. And Yolfesta's landscape is really an acquired taste." He rubbed his hands together in thought. Then, as if suddenly remembering Tegan was still there, he shrugged, reached out, and patted her affectionat-ely on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Tegan. Wait a little longer, and we'll get moving soon. Once I do some repairs and think of a….." -here he smiled wickedly- "…planet we can save."

Tegan sighed in relief. Mission accomplished! She congratulated herself. She wanted to hug him, but restrained herself reluctantly.

"Whatever you say!" she said excitedly. "I'll go tell Nyssa. She's finally up."

"Did you yank the sheets off and force her out of her bed?" the Doctor joked.

"No, what kind of a friend do you think I am?" she asked. "I just suggested we make cranberry-orange muffins and hazelnut coffee for breakfast."

"Mmmm, sounds good," her secret love pronounced. "I just might join you!"

"Okay, we'll leave some for you!"

With that, Tegan turned to go.

-3-

Content that the conversation was over, the Doctor headed for the TARDIS wall. He had noticed that one of the roundels had a large streak of black ash across it, caused by a stray bolt from a Cyberman's blaster. On closer inspection, he saw that the bolt had burned almost down to the wires and circuits beneath. He gently ran a hand over the scorched metal.

Does it hurt? He silently asked the TARDIS (it really was alive to him). I'll get it fixed as fast as I can! Carefully, he began unscrewing the damaged roundel from the wall and thought about all that Tegan had said. You gave her those words didn't you, old girl? He knew the human woman couldn't have thought up that long speech on her own, no matter how clever she was. Thank you for giving them to her. I really needed to hear them.

"Doctor?" Tegan's voice startled him out of his reverie. She hadn't left after all; but why?

"What is it, Tegan?" the Doctor asked casually. He stopped what he was doing and turned to engage her, jumping when he saw how close she was standing. She had crossed the room while his back was turned, and now stood less than three feet away. Her hands were on her hips and her brows were arched inquisitively. What did she want?

"I've been thinking about what the Cyberleader said." she said. So that was it.

"I'm sorry, Tegan," he told her. "I shouldn't have challenged him. By attempting to make my point to him, I endangered your life and that was extremely stupid of me. He was right; my emotions put me at a disadvantage."

"That's not what I was thinking about," the stewardess corrected. "I meant when he said you had affection for me."

"And I told him you were a friend," the Doctor stated quickly. "And you are. You are a very dear friend."

"Just a 'friend'? That's it?" she asked forcefully. What in Rassilon's name was she playing at? "Doc, the Cyberleader wasn't asking if you had affection for me, he was saying that you did! It was an observation, not a question! And it wasn't friendship he was talking about!"

The Doctor gulped. He was starting to catch on, but he pretended he wasn't.

"Then what was he talking about, if not friendship?" he asked innocently.

"Love, Doctor!" Tegan was practically screaming at him now. "He saw that you loved me! He saw something inside you that you pretend isn't there! You told me once that Cybermen don't have hearts. Well then, if the Cyberleader, who doesn't have a heart, saw how you felt about me, how come you, with your two hearts, can't see it?"

This is NOT happening! The Doctor thought. He would have backed away, but he was already standing against the wall. Curse this regeneration: with its physical attractiveness, its emotional instability, and its hormonal imbalance! His previous incarnation would never be at loss for words, trembling nervously when a beautiful woman confronted him about his feelings. He would have kept his cool, casually letting the woman down easily, with a manic grin and a knowing glint in ice blue eyes. But that man was dead and gone; the Doctor was now this shy, good-looking blond who couldn't stand next to a woman like Tegan without feeling a wave of panic washing through his every vein and artery. Curse this regeneration!

Clearing his throat, and trying his hardest to keep calm, the Doctor addressed Tegan: "The relationship you are implying, Tegan, is…"

"Impossible? Unthinkable?" Tegan suggested. The frustration in her voice and face was evident. "You think because I'm a human and you're a Time Lord that you couldn't love me? That a little, clueless, mortal human could never steal the hearts of an all-powerful, immortal Time Lord? Bloody hell, Doc! We may not be the same species, but I'm damn sure we're compatible!"

"I never said we weren't…." the Doctor began, but stopped himself. There was no reason to argue, when he knew she was right. He changed tactics. "I don't deny that I find you attractive, Tegan, but I think…"

Once again, she interrupted him. "That's your problem! You think too much!" Tegan closed the distance between them and was soon only inches away. Her voice lowered to a husky, seductive purr. "Sometimes, Doctor, we need to stop thinking." Her hands were suddenly pressed firmly to the Doctor's chest as she stood up on her toes, raising her lips, "Just stop thinking, and just act." Seconds after the word "act" passed her throat, Tegan's soft, red lips touched the Doctor's, in a tender, but heated kiss.

Caught off guard, the stunned Time Lord could do nothing but stand there and let Tegan kiss him. He could barely believe what was happening; she was kissing him, and he was enjoying it! He sighed and let the tension fall from his muscles; he closed his eyes and opened his mouth, welcoming Tegan's fire and passion. By the time their lips parted and Tegan pulled away, the Doctor found himself craving more. He opened his eyes to see her looking up at him, love, desire, and rapture radiating from her face.

"Why…why did you do that?" he stammered.

"Because I've wanted to," Tegan murmured. "ever since Castrovalva. Wanted you; wanted you to love me."

The Doctor's hearts were racing. He forced himself to close off his thoughts, which were screaming at him that this was wrong and stupid, and instead looked at the woman before him through the fabric of emotion and feeling. The figurative wool fell from his eyes, and it was if he was seeing Tegan's beauty for the first time. Her luxurious brown hair, her intelligent, bright amber eyes, her fresh, heart-shaped face, her sensuous, graceful body, her long, luscious legs…yes, he saw it all. And he wanted it, he needed it, he loved it. He loved Tegan! He couldn't deny it anymore; she had knocked down the wall of denial he had built, with just one kiss.

"I do, Tegan," he said softly.

"Do what?"

"Love you." The Doctor relished the look of shocked elation that appeared on Tegan's face as he tenderly put his arms around her, drawing her against him. He bent his head, silently asking permission to take possession of her lips again. Tegan threw her head back in surrender and he kissed her.

In an instant, they were no longer the Doctor, Time Lord and savior of a thousand worlds, and Tegan Jovanka, Australian stewardess: they became just two people, a man and a woman, passionately and desperately in love. The kiss deepened, and Tegan's hands slid up from the Doctor's chest to lock themselves around his neck. Her unguarded mind opened to his unconscious probing, and as her tongue intertwined with his in abandon, her emotions and thoughts flowed out of her, overwhelming the Doctor with their intensity.

What are we going to do if Nyssa comes in? Oh, lord, please don't let her walk in and ruin this moment! Please!

God, I've never been kissed like this! He tastes so good; I never want this to end!

Does he love me as much as I love him? Does he know how much I need him?

Damn, I want to tear his sweater up over his head and unbutton his shirt. I just know he'd look heavenly out of his clothes.

The Doctor pulled back from Tegan's mind when he found this last thought; she was moving way too fast for him! He did not, however, pull back from kissing her. Her mouth felt so good, so right on his; it was if it belonged to him, as if it was meant to be kissed by him, and by only him.

But why did he feel this way? She wasn't the first human he'd ever kissed; Jo, Sarah, Leela: he'd kissed all of them. But she was the first human he'd ever kissed this passionately. He'd always held back before, not wanting to frighten his homo sapien companions with the strength of his superior mental processes and emotional capacity. With Romana, he didn't need to hold back: she was a fellow Time Lord, it was understood; and it had been the same with Nyssa (Rassilon help him if Tegan ever found out about that). What was it about this fiesty, sensual, beautiful woman that made him behave this way? Could it be that he had fallen for her with such intensity that he, himself, could not comprehend it?

He felt Tegan's grip on him slacken and, remembering that she was human and could only hold on for so long, he reluctantly released her divine lips. Neither of them spoke as they held each other and gazed hungrily into each other's eyes, sharing emotions and desires no words need express. Finally Tegan shifted in the Doctor's arms and broke the silence.

"I love you, Doc. More than you could ever know."

"You'd be surprised," the Doctor replied, in a soft, breathless voice.

Tegan giggled a little and stepped back, adjusting her blouse, which was stretched taut across her chest, revealing just enough of her creamy skin that the Doctor found himself imagining the material ripping open and almost opened his mouth to share his thoughts … …but he said nothing. As her weight lifted from him, he suddenly realized how much he'd been leaning on her, and felt his knees buckle. He managed to catch himself before he collapsed to the floor, but the movement was not lost on Tegan.

"Wow, I didn't know I was that irresistible!" she teased him.

"Looks like you affect me more than I thought!" the Doctor chuckled, steadying himself. "I've fallen for you, Tegan. In a great many ways. It took an earth-shattering tragedy to get me to realize it, but now that I have, I swear I won't let you forget it, not for a microsecond!"

Tegan laughed, a beautiful, heavenly laugh that made the Doctor's hearts surge with love and joy. He prayed that he could keep Tegan close, if not forever, at least for the rest of this life. She was his now, and he needed her with him. That empty place deep in his hearts that had been there since his regeneration was filled at last; as long as Tegan was by his side, he was complete.

"What is so funny?" a small, singsong voice rang out, startling both the Doctor and Tegan, whose laughter ceased abruptly. They both turned in the direction of the voice.

It was Nyssa, standing there in the doorway, a somewhat quizzical look on her face. Her curly light brown hair was perfectly styled and her burgundy pantsuit, though a little wrinkled, gleamed, clean and regal. But most importantly, the young Trakenite's eyes were clear and sparkling; she had recovered fully from her depression and looked ready to take on the universe!

"Nyssa!" Tegan shouted in glee, rushing to her friend and enveloping her in a hug which was tightly returned. The two young women broke away, laughing at nothing (as women often do, the Doctor mused).

"You go on to the kitchen, Tegan," Nyssa said. "I'll be right along."

Tegan didn't answer, only grinned, and with one last knowing wink at the Doctor, she was gone. The Time Lord watched her go, unable to keep from smiling from ear to ear. Maybe this regeneration wasn't so bad after all.

"Anything the matter, Doctor?" Nyssa asked him from across the room. He blinked over at her. Though he was glad to see her up and about, his mind was so filled with thoughts of Tegan that he couldn't focus on the slim girl.

"Nothing at all, Nyssa, everything is right as rain," the Doctor said, failing to hide his euphoria. "In fact, I feel better than I have in decades!"

"Good," Nyssa professed, obviously clueless about his emotional state. "Where is our next destination?" she added, as technical as ever.

"I don't know; why don't you pick!" the Doctor suggested, as he pushed himself off the wall and made his way to the door. "I'm going to take a shower. Then I think I will take a stroll." he said as he passed Nyssa, who stood there openmouthed. The Doctor knew full well that he was acting strangely, but he didn't care. He was too far consumed by his feelings and desires, all for one beautiful being known as Tegan Jovanka.

Ignoring Nyssa's look of utter confusion, the Doctor exited the console room, whistling a rather off-key rendition of "I'm a Believer". And he felt just like it said in the song: I'm in love…I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried…