Fuzzy.
That was all I could make of the world.
Bright... too bright.
I had imagined this part to be warm, like the sun on a nice day. Not like this...
Along with the fuzziness came the numbing sensation. Like what lay before me was just out of reach or like in a dream when you're mere inches away from grabbing something or about to move forward but just- can't.
The numbing sensation came in waves, followed by a bitter burning that seemed to dwell in the back of my throat. The longer it lasted, the more it bothered me and the further it crawled deeper into my gut. The burn started to hurt.
My head started to spin.
What bewildered me the most was that I could still feel most of my body; my throat, my stomach, my chest... my chest was heaving like I was gasping for air...
Wasn't death supposed to be void of all of this?
My temple throbbed.
Then my ears started to ring.
... too bright.
I kept my eyes shut tight.
Where was the warmth? Where was the eternal sun? All I could manage to grasp was this blinding, almost fluorescent, light that was seeping past my eyelids.
Next came the white noise.
It reminded me of those times we used to visit the neighbor's pool in their backyard in our old neighborhood. I would make it all the way to the bottom to fetch the plastic rings I had thrown in. I remembered the pressure on my ears and the tension in my chest as my lungs slowly ran out of air. I'd plant my feet firmly on the floor of the pool and catapult myself to the surface.
But down there, at the bottom, moments before I ran out of breath I could hear the swish of the water around me, the bubbles as they escaped my nose and, from what felt like miles above, my mother calling me for dinner.
Miles.
That's where the noise was coming from.
Miles and light years away were those high pitched sounds of my mother calling me for dinner.
A wave of numbness crashed and another burning sensation flooded my throat. It not only crawled but clawed its way down my esophagus to my belly.
This is it, I'm imploding.
I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter.
I wanted to turn into a weight, like a rock, and continue to dwell down here at the bottom of the pool.
Maybe it's not a beach or floating with cotton candy clouds like it is in the movies but it's better than where I was before.
I could manage this lingering burning feeling if it meant my heart didn't hurt or my body didn't feel violated. Down here at the bottom of my pool I felt an inkling of calm wash over me. The pressure around me held me like in an embrace. It was welcoming. There was still darkness but I didn't feel lonely anymore. Something had filled me just enough to not feel empty.
But then the cold set in.
It tingled my fingers and burrowed in my toes like electricity. It shook everything around me, my bubble of temporary security.
The fluorescents returned, even sharper than before. My eyelids no longer shielded me from its rays. They crept past my lashes like thieves.
Next thing I realized, I was floating; drifting.
Upwards.
With my eyes still shut, I struggled to reach the bottom but quickly found myself lost. I had no sense of direction anymore. I was just getting pulled...
Lifted...
Thrown...
Tossed about in those numbing waves.
I kept my eyes shut and hopelessly attempted to brace myself for what was to come.
Bright... too bright.
Too fuzzy...
"Hannah?" A voice asked.