Two Men and a Baby Gift
Editted 4/17/2019
Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were trying to shop in a Muggle shopping mall. The emphasis here is on trying. It would be more accurate to say the Remus was trying to shop while also trying to control Sirius. Keeping the marauder out of trouble was a full time on a good day. Today however, was not a good day. Sirius seemed to be alternating between trying to get away from Remus and laughing loudly about all of the things Muggles used every day. The pair had earned more than a few strange looks from the people passing by. The muggle world fascinated Sirius and he tended to be a little over enthusiastic on his trips into muggle London. It had been the cause of a few too many quick escapes before they drew too much attentions themselves.
Remus didn't remember why exactly they had ended up in a Muggle shopping mall. He really didn't think it had been his idea. Judging by the way Sirius was smearing his face up against the glass of the sporting goods store; it had definitely not been Remus' idea.
"Sirius, get your face off the glass!" Remus yelled in a harsh whisper. "You're leaving hand prints everywhere and you have a forehead smear right at eye level. It's repulsive!"
Sirius looked at his friend and tried to make the puppy dog face.
Remus sighed. There it was, the puppy dog face. He hated that face. It always made him give in to whatever whims caught the man's fancy.
"Sirius, that only works on girls with tiny little brains who think you aren't beyond redemption! Now cut it out. We have to go buy a gift now. The party is in two hours!"
Sirius tried to tear himself away from the shop windows, but they were just too interesting. He told Remus that Muggles used the weirdest things instead of magic. The sporting goods store was fascinating for Sirius.
There were pictures in the windows of Muggle men and women playing a game called football. The object was to run around and kick a little black and white ball into an enormous net at the end of the field, no bludgers, or snitches, or anything. There was only one net which was on the ground and it was enormous, not at all like the three hoops in Quidditch.
Sirius wanted to see how that could be interesting. He told Remus he was going to go to the next match he could find. How could so many muggles be interested in this?
"Mooooooonnnneeeeeyy," Sirius whined, causing several people to stop and stare and earning him a dirty look from Remus, "Can't we please, please, please go into that store? They will have something for little Sirius, I know they will."
Before Remus could catch him, he was off and into the shop. Remus rolled his eyes and trailed along after him. It was the ninth shop they had been in and they had purchased nothing. They were now being tailed by security guards after slight scenes in the kitchen wares store, the pet store, two clothing stores, the arcade, the movie theater, the toy shop, and the confectioner. The worst was the movie theater, where Sirius just had to know how the Muggle movies worked and, to get away from Remus, had run at full tilt to get into a theater, nearly bowling several people over.
Remus just started telling people that Sirius was "special" and everyone seemed to be a little more understanding; until security dragged Sirius out of the theater and he starting yelling that he wasn't special. Remus thought he would be tossed in the back of a police unit then but at the same time he started calling for "his Mooney" so it offset the whole thing nicely.
The security guards had followed them since that time.
Remus had lost sight of Sirius and that was never a good sign. He was probably trying to open the cash register again. He was fascinated by Muggle money. They were going to get arrested and not get a baby gift.
Then from the next aisle Remus heard, "Little Sirius will love this!" With a quick step towards the sound he found Sirius hanging nearly upside down into a bin of footballs reaching for the one on the very bottom. He grabbed the back of Sirius's shirt and hauled him out of the container.
"You have said the baby will love something in every store that we have been in and yet nothing you have picked was appropriate for a baby," Remus hissed.
"You keep call Little Sirius 'the baby'. Why do you keep doing that? James is going to name that child after me," Sirius said with a confident look on his face.
"Lily is not going to name that child after you. You don't even know if it is going to be a boy. Might be a girl," Remus responded.
"It will be a boy and if it's a girl Sirius is a good name for her too. James will name the baby after me."
"Lily is HAVING the baby so I think she has the final decision, and James and Lily have told you at least a dozen times that they are NOT naming a child of either sex after you," Remus responded, rubbing the bridge of his nose to alleviate the stress of shopping with Sirius.
"Whatever, Mooney. We will see soon enough. Now help me look for something! I know the perfect gift is in this store." With that Sirius walked into another aisle. Remus was right on his tail.
"You have said that in every store! In the kitchen wares store you thought the perfect gift was an electric can opener, when James and Lily don't have a home that uses electricity. In the pet store you tried to buy an albino python until I reminded you that we are buying a gift for a BABY. Both of the clothing stores you entered were clothing for women, not for little babies. The arcade was never about shopping for the baby, was it, Sirius?" he questioned but didn't wait for an answer. "No, that was just for Sirius Black, and you spent a large chunk of our money in there. The movie theater was also for you, no matter how much you protest that you were going to buy the theater for little Sirius. The toy shop was a good plan until you got us kicked out for breaking the toys. Those brooms were for little girls to play house with and not for a grown man to try to fly on. They were plastic! The confectioner, I ask you, the baby won't be born with teeth so I doubt he will be requesting a bun. Sirius, I should have left you at home and just forged your name to the card!"
Remus could feel his whole face and neck turning red. He was more than a little annoyed with Sirius. To Sirius's credit, though, he did look a little ashamed. Or at least the look could be interpreted as that because he was looking at his feet absently toying with the footballs.
Remus pulled a football from the top of the container and examined it. He hated yelling at his friend. He could clearly remember a time when he had no friends and no prospect of having any. Sirius was the first person who ever talked to him like an equal. He was the first friend he had ever made when he approached him on the Hogwarts Express all those years ago.
"Maybe this would be a good present for the baby. Lily is from a muggle family and she might like the connection between the magical world and the muggle world."
Remus hoped it wasn't too apparent that he was trying to smooth things over. On a shelf a little further up the aisle he saw a few baby items with a football theme. Maybe they would get the ball and a little bottle and just be done. They did need to get to that party.
He moved up the aisle a little and took a quick peek at Sirius who was still staring at his shoes. Hopefully the moodiness wouldn't be around for too long. Sirius Black could throw the most epic temper tantrums when he was so inclined, which thankfully was not that often with his best friends.
The shelf had a few gift sets that would be perfect for a boy or a girl, and then there was a really cute stuffed rattle that looked like a football. If they got a gift set, the rattle, and the ball, they could just toss everything in one of those gift bags and not have to worry about wrapping anything. That would be perfect. Sirius still picked part of the gift, but they got something practical as well. He turned to show Sirius what he found and ask his opinion.
Sirius was very busy, though. He was going to get them tossed out of another store; if not arrested, which was a good possibility as well.
Sirius was looking at his foot and trying to line it up with one of the balls from the bin which he had placed on the floor. He turned to shoot what he thought would be a covert look at Remus.
Remus looked straight back at him with his mouth just hanging open.
Sirius looked at Remus.
The moment stretched on and on.
Remus finally was able to make a sound that should have sounded like, "Sirius, no!", but it was more of a squeak.
Sirius wound up and let his kick fly. For a second Remus thought he might have missed, but that was only because the ball was moving so fast you could hardly see it. Sirius had kicked it with might and in this enclosed area, that wasn't good.
It hit the wall behind them hard and rocketed down the next aisle until it hit something else, which fell and hit the floor hard. Whatever it was sounded large and heavy. It was probably expensive.
Remus was glowering now. He was looking at Sirius wishing he could melt him to the floor with his fury. He took the ball, the gift set, and the rattle, and stuffed them under his arm. He walked past Sirius and straight into the next aisle to pick up whatever fell before someone noticed.
He stopped short in the next aisle. The store clerk who had greeted them was lying on the floor unconscious. Remus was right what Sirius hit was large and heavy and the medicals bills, if the man needed it, were going to be expensive.
"Oh Godric! Oh Crap! Oh No!" Remus exclaimed.
Sirius came around the corner to look and asked, "Did I do that?" He looked delighted with himself for kicking the ball hard enough to knock someone unconscious. "Whoa, no wonder the Muggles love this sport. It's just as violent as Quidditch!"
That was it! Remus had had it. He felt his left eye starting to twitch. He turned, in all his fury, to his best friend and told him, "Follow me!" Sirius turned a little green but quietly followed. They walked to the counter, paid for their purchases and left the store. They had just rounded the corner of the building when they heard a shout from the inside of the store. The security guards were running in and if they caught up with Remus and Sirius, they were in trouble.
The bathroom was about five yards ahead. If they walked fast they could make it. Remus grabbed the shopping bag with one hand and Sirius with the other and ducked into the bathroom. He checked to make sure no one was inside and then he hissed "Colloportus" to seal the door.
If looks could kill, Sirius would have been turned to dust.
Remus put on his most calm voice and said, "We are leaving right now from this bathroom and apparating to James and Lily's house."
Remus wasn't expecting any comments when he heard, "But Mooney… I want to stay a little longer and look at things….it's not like they will even know we knocked the clerk unconscious! Come on, please."
Remus Lupin never got really angry. He never yelled and screamed. He was always stable and dependable and rational. His friends counted on his great decision-making skills. The "we" in that sentence was more than he could take.
Right now he couldn't speak with Sirius. He was left with his last recourse action.
He grabbed Sirius and put him in a headlock.
He managed to apparate them both into the backyard of James and Lily's home. Several of the guests were already in the backyard chatting. Everyone stopped and watched Remus and Sirius scramble to their feet.
Lily and James walked over and just stared at Remus. They usually saw him as the receiver of the headlock, not the giver. Their calm, cool, collect, and brainy friend looked ready to kill.
"Remus, dear, why is Sirius in a headlock?" Lily asked in her most gentle voice.
Sirius heard her voice and tried to look up; he couldn't get much farther than their shoes. "Lily," he exclaimed, "you should have seen me kick this Muggle football today," he said, sounding pleased.
In a flurry of movement the shopping bag dropped from Remus' hands and hit the ground with gifts spilling everywhere. Remus had jumped on top of Sirius and was presently holding Sirius' face into the dirt.
Lily had picked up the shopping bag and was looking at the contents.
"James, love, I think they may have gone shopping at a Muggle shopping mall," she said.
"Remus would never be that stupid! Sirius has been trying to get him to go there for the longest time and the answer has always been no!"
"But James," Lily said, "look." She showed him the gifts in the bag.
"Well, no wonder he's trying to kill Sirius. Can you imagine what that would be like? Taking Sirius anywhere filled with that many strange things - I bet he was horrible," James said filled with wonder.
Remus was sitting on top of Sirius, who was face down in the dirt. Remus and Sirius had both overheard everything that was said. "That isn't the half of it," Remus said, "we were kicked out of stores, followed by security, and then he," pointing emphatically at Sirius, "knocked a clerk unconscious in a sporting goods store."
James couldn't help it. He started to laugh.
Then Lily laughed.
"Come on, Remus," Lily said, separating the two boys. "Let's have a cup of tea. It's the British cure for everything… even best friends with self-control problems."
(THANKS to the awesome SuicideBrunette for Beta Reading! You are the best! Note the exclamation points!)