'I've a new therapist. It's all right I guess. I don't think about it much. My thoughts are ... unoccupied typically. I don't think about much. School mainly, when I'm at school anyway. Games occasionally. But today I haven't thought about much. I spent a large amount of the day sleeping. Not because I was really tired, I just felt like sleeping. I had strange dreams though.
I don't feel much of anything right now. I guess I'm numb? I don't know. Nothing is terribly interesting. Nothing is really worth doing. I want to do something to feel something though. I want to feel. I want to do something more self-destructive than sleep all day. I want to go buy some mountain dew and drink it like I used to. I want to do something. I don't know why I feel this way. I just want to feel something. My days aren't really that busy. Except for a few hours. After that though, I wander around listlessly. My games aren't really interesting. Outside is hot and I have no one to do something with. I'm always bored.
I don't know what I want to do. About anything.
At one point, yet again, I thought I had everything. I'm not sure what happened though. I don't think I really did anything wrong. I think I did everything right. He was everything to me. I was his and he was mine. So what changed? I don't know. I never do. Something always changes and it ends. And each time, it's shattering. I'm tired of getting back up. I don't want to bother anymore.
Sure, I've these lofty dreams. But in reality? Will they ever come to anything? School, nothing but school for roughly twelve years, maybe more or maybe less. To get a job I'm not even really sure how to get. To do things I'm not even sure of. I'm not even sure what exactly I'll be doing, hopefully what I want. Another twelve or so years of schooling for the second degree I want. Unless I can somehow pull off a double major. I don't know.
Sometimes that's comforting. Other times, I just wonder what's the point of it all? I mean, I'm 21. Just now started college, almost done with my first semester. For the most part, my depression is under control, but sometimes it gets to me.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I bother. What the point is. I don't really have any answers. In these times, nothing seems worth it. Not in the least. A bottle of alcohol seems to call my name, but it's not like I'm drinking anything hard, so it's like what's the point in that then?
Other times, I wonder if I shouldn't just try again. What would it really hurt? Hell, maybe I'd even be successful. Think of how great that would be! Long laid plans, and they finally succeed. Screw dreams, plans are better.
I mean, why not? Honestly, why not?
Sure I can name a few friends that would likely care, but so what? If it's what I want, what does what they want matter?
I guess it matters in the way of I'm not alone. But even so, maybe it would be better if I went through with it. I don't know though. It's tempting.'
Blue orbs fell closed as his left hand gripping the pen fell slack. His eyes were full of tears, but why he wasn't entirely sure. Why did he weep? Another question that had no answer.
He glanced towards his phone and idly picked it up. Contemplating. He texted a couple of friends, just a simple "hey".
Minutes passed without a response. So he considered going to sleep. He was supposed to skype with one friend though. So he'd give it a little bit longer. Maybe his friend could distract him from his depressing thoughts.