Title: Fast National Data; a Tragic Comedy
Author: MathGal
Disclaimer: This is an unofficial, fan produced product which is not written for profit. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rating: M
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Grissom and Sara (GSR)
Setting: Sara's bedroom, the evening of September 22, 2006
Summary: Grissom and Sara analyze the Fast National Data Ratings of the CSI Season Seven Premier "Built to Kill, Part I," airdate September 21, 2006.
A/N: Please refer to my profile for Disclaimers, Prologues, Acknowledgements, and an Easter Egg Hunt for this story.
A/A/N (Important): Please don't worry if you don't get all the references to the other TV shows. Just keep reading; you can always research them later if you wish.
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Gil Grissom and Sara Sidle are sitting atop the covers in Sara's dimly-lit bedroom. Their minds are both reeling from this morning's news of the Fast National Data Ratings for September 21, 2006: CSI's Season Seven Premier "Built to Kill, Part I" had earned a twenty-two point six share, while its first place competitor achieved a rating of twenty-five point four. Grissom is certain Sara wants to break the silence that fills the room, and vice-versa. Since Sara appears reluctant to speak first, Grissom elects to do so.
"I remember that magical coda we shared during 'Way to Go,' May's Season Six Finale," Grissom recollects fondly. "That relaxing, intimate, on-screen moment was long overdue for us, my dear." As he speaks, Grissom tilts his head slightly and grins at Sara.
"You're telling me!" she responds while giving Grissom that toothy smile he loves so much.
"On the other hand, did you see the numbers from last night's Season Seven Premier?" inquires Grissom. "As I am well noted for saying, 'Concentrate on what cannot lie -- the evidence.'" Longing to be closer, Sara slides towards Grissom. He watches her keenly, startling her with the intensity in his blue eyes as they meet her brown.
"Here's what I can't grasp, Griss: our show is being criticized for going downhill by way of the introduction of our romantic back-story; yet viewers tuning into Grey's Anatomy can't get enough character development. Grey's Anatomy's interpersonal relationships are all OVER the place!" Sara exclaims, her arms flailing upward.
"Oh, Sara, there's that OCD-ish charm of yours again!" replies Grissom as he reaches over and caresses Sara's cheek; and leans into his hand and smiles softly.
"Easy for you to say, Gil Grissom! When CBS strikes our set, off you go to the theater to return to your first love; I'll have to land a whole new gig somewhere else."
"As if that's going to be any kind of problem for you, dear Sara. You're an extremely talented actress who can hold her own in any role they can dish out! At least YOU aren't being bumped off by Doctor 'McDreamy,'" Grissom adds, disgruntled. Sara leans over and kisses Grissom gently on the cheek.
"Take heart, Griss. We both know you have an immeasurable fan base which is ageless, timeless, and composed of viewers from all walks of life throughout the entire world." Grissom smirks at Sara, then chuckles; kissing her, he nibbles gently on Sara's lip, teasing it briefly with his tongue before pulling away.
"And speaking of the wonderful world of fandom," Grissom continues lightheartedly, "We'd best not forget that all-important Brown-eyed, Italian Brunettes with Impeccable Taste demographic. Those folks don't criticize my Aloha shirt the way the media does." Though puzzled briefly, Sara chooses to remain on topic.
"Fine, but how do you explain that $19.99 straw hat from Cabelas? I hear some gal named Mary Sue thinks you lost a bet with Wardrobe!" Sara laughs.
"How many times am I going to have to defend my choice of headwear?" Grissom replies gruffly. He pulls Sara closer, placing his arm around her; together they lie back on her bed. With a contented sigh, Sara lays her head on his Grissom's chest as he continues.
"As I've told the suits at the network, skin cancer is not in my contract. Besides, shouldn't we be concentrating on plot developments to improve our show's ratings? Let's find a way to beef things up!"
"Ah, that delightfully wry wit of yours is always at work, isn't it Doctor Grissom? Let's see…what say we move forward, and tastefully beyond, that conference room veggie burger?" Sara suggests innocently. Grissom smiles at that Las Vegas Crime Lab memory, and runs his fingertips along Sara's arm.
"If you're suggesting a kiss, my sweet Sara, please allow me to refresh your memory by perusing our latest joint interview with TV Guide. As I delectably put it, '…We'd love to kiss but the network would have to cough up some more money for that. Tongue would cost more….'" Rolling onto her side, Sara snuggles up to Grissom, a sly smile on her face.
"Do you have to be such a tease, Griss? Do you know how your playful response affected one viewer residing in a suburban, coastal community? She had to madly slide open the window, race out onto her deck, and quote Seinfeld's George Costanza, gasping, 'OXYGEN! I NEED SOME OXYGEN!...'" Sara yells wildly.
"She could probably use some more time outdoors, anyway," Grissom replies nonchalantly and shrugs. Sara continues.
"And when asked if you are reinvigorated now that our show is taking our relationship in a new direction, you answered--"
" '--Wouldn't having sex reinvigorate anyone?...' A moderately enticing retort at best. Practically innocuous." Sara looks over at Grissom; he gazes suggestively upon her, then pulls her toward him and kisses her passionately. Sara sighs, smiles warmly and continues.
"Don't be coy, Grissom. While talking bugs during this morning's appearance on The Early Show, you actually gave Chenie Jul a case of the giggles!"
"CBS network hype," Grissom replies in a jaded tone. "I didn't do anything I wouldn't ordinarily do to elicit that kind of response."
"And to complete your TV Guide hat trick, page twenty-nine of our same interview: when asked about Lady Heather, and whether the two of you are soul mates? You were positively shameless!" Grissom nods as he recollects, smiling mischievously.
"Oh, yes. 'I think she's his spanking partner. Every now and then a guy needs a good spanking….'" Grissom reaches over and runs his fingers along the curve of Sara's hip, then delivers her a playful yet exceptionally generous swat; gaping, Sara slaps his hand in retaliation. Grissom laughs and continues as Sara massages her tender tush.
"Come now, Sara, do you really consider my quotation so terribly inappropriate? I found my response rather engaging."
"Engaging? That's an understatement; you engaged the same gal from that suburban, coastal community to run straight to the kitchen for some ice water. She poured an entire pitcher over her HEAD!"
"It must be something about that oceanic air, Sara. I don't usually have that kind of effect on women." Grissom ponders, reconsidering. "Well, mostly. Sometimes it doesn't happen, that is." A moment of enlightenment ensues. "Once in a great while, on extremely rare occasions, and under rather bizarre circumstances, I don't affect women in that manner," he replies with the utmost clarity. "There's a first time for everything, after all." Grissom raises an eyebrow at Sara, who stares glares back at him, feigning annoyance; she rolls her eyes at him and smirks.
"Come on, Griss, what are you really attempting to accomplish with all of this tantalizing banter of yours? Are you trying to annihilate the bulk of your viewer base by sending them into cardiac arrest?" she asks him pointedly.
"I can't help it if I'm suggestive and flirtatious during interviews. I suppose I could say something rather dreamy; for instance, that I'd like to move to a nice small town and race cars. But if I did, one might get the impression that the network executives had a proverbial gun to my head," he explains. "On the other hand, I certainly don't want to be the cause of any coronaries; I recommend vegetarianism, exercise, and that viewers watch their cholesterol levels more and their televisions less." Sara gives Grissom a forceful punch on his paunch.
"Don't say THAT! We've already lost seven million viewers since last season's premier!" Sara exclaims frantically, as Grissom fights to regain his breath. Calming herself, Sara attempts to apologize.
"Sorry, Griss; just a…GUT reaction on my part," she laughs. Grissom is not amused but continues nonetheless.
"At any rate, the Nielsens only count live bodies in front of the tube, Sara. We need these folks to take good care of themselves." Grissom states prudently.
"True," Sara agrees, "and I'm certain CBS will allow us at the very least to complete Season Seven. That'll give me enough time to let the dust settle and find a job on a new show next fall. Or, should I jump ship now and go for a gig on ABC's Boston Legal?" Grissom's eyebrow gains new heights in response to Sara's query.
"The competition? I beg your pardon, Sara, but I just can't see you leaving me for an older man like Denny Crane." Perplexed, Sara shakes her head.
"Denny Crane? Be serious, Griss! I was thinking more along the lines of the seductive Alan Shore." Heartbroken, Grissom tightens his hold on Sara.
"A younger man? Sara! How could you?" Sara smiles broadly, and then embraces Grissom in an attempt to reassure him; Grissom withdraws rather than reciprocates.
"First a sock in the stomach, and now TWO blows to my ego…these indiscretions of yours will most definitely result in consequences, Sara," Grissom forewarns provocatively, his eyes narrowing as they stare into hers.
"I have no doubt on my end," Sara replies in a challenging tone, accompanied by a sultry smile. Grissom's naughty grin betrays his thoughts as he considers the manner of retribution in which he shall engage her. Having seen this look before, Sara takes a deep breath and a few moments to regain her composure before continuing the discussion at hand.
"Anyway, let's brainstorm some guaranteed ratings-booster scenes. How about pulling in another talented musician like John Mayer? That leaves Yak-Def out, of course."
"We can bring back Quentin Tarantino. His Season Five two-part finale episodes were brilliant." Grissom suggests.
"We can always throw in a shower scene featuring Captain Brass' exposed rear e--"
"-- NO WAY!" Grissom interjects, shaking his head. "As an Executive Producer of CSI, I'm not ripping a page out of NYPD Blue's playbook!" he declares emphatically. Sara looks up at him, befuddled.
"Are you quite certain that you never played sports in college, Griss?" Sara inquires. "You just can't seem to get away from those football analogies."
Practically out of nowhere, an energized Moon Veslie, a disillusioned Riej Herrybruckem, a despondent Cloe R.D.S. Malohnne, a dejected Donna Nueha, and a thoroughly inconsolable E. Zak Youthniner enter through Sara's bedroom door. They are accompanied by a large throng of men and women brandishing power tools and heavy equipment labeled "PROPERTY OF ELORN SMICHAEL". Grissom and Sara sit up on her bed, his arm around her.
"Hey, what's the crew doing in here?!" Grissom asks, watching in disbelief as workers scurry about the room, dismantling it at Warp speed. Moon Veslie answers.
"Sorry, folks. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is a wrap with episodes in the can. CBS has a fresh, brand new, iPod-demographic midseason replacement complete with sex, sleaze and backstabbing that's going to give Grey's Anatomy a run for its money!" Grissom and Sara exchange a questioning look.
"What's it called?" asks Sara. Moon Veslie answers with unbridled enthusiasm.
"Dallas: The Next Generation."
End
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Works Cited
Chambers, Lisa, and Tomashoff, Craig, "Las Vegas Confidential: You wanted answers about Grissom and Sara's relationship. We got 'em!" TV Guide 54.39.2791 (September 25 - October 1, 2006): 26-29.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, "Pilot," dir. Danny Cannon, writ. Anthony E. Zuiker, perf. William Petersen, Marg Helgenberger, DVD, CBS DVD, 2000.
Seinfeld, "The Deal," dir. Tom Cherones, writ. Larry David, perf. Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards and Jason Alexander as George, DVD, Castle Rock Entertainment, 1991.
The Early Show, "Romance On 'CSI'?," CBS, Las Vegas, NV, 22 Sept. 2006.