"I'll be here...I'll be waiting for you..."
Laguna walked along the flowery field as he followed the voice that had been coaxing him towards it.
Raine's voice.
He'd been dropped off just outside of Winhill by Kiros just fifteen minutes ago. He had come to Winhill because he couldn't stop thinking of Raine. In every daydream he had, he'd reach her porch and pound on her door eager to reunite with her. And the daydream always ended with her opening the door with a sour expression. She'd then cover her mouth in shock before wrapping her arms around Laguna as he twirled her around in his delight.
But as he'd started walking towards the town, he'd started hearing a voice from a distance. It didn't take long for him to recognize who it belonged to. What was really strange was that it wasn't coming from Winhill. It seemed to be coming from some unknown grassy area to the right of the trail. He'd hesitated at first, but it didn't take much persuasion for him to decide to change his direction. And so, Laguna left the dirt trail that led to Winhill and started walking towards this unknown area. Towards her voice.
And this unknown area had some of the most alluring scenery he'd ever seen.
His face was warmed by the rays of the sun that burned brightly in the azure sky. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen such a beautiful day. Or the last time he'd seen such vivid plants and flowers. The tall grass around Laguna was emerald green. His hands grazed tulips and daffodils among other flowers. It was tempting to pluck them, too, but he thought better of it. Raine wasn't exactly the "flower" type.
Besides, what mattered most was that he followed Raine's husky voice until he found her.
"So...if you come here..."
Laguna felt his heart pound as he made his way out of the field of flowers and was now walking towards a distant figure standing in the same field. He squinted as he tried to make out if it was really her, but it was impossible to tell from this distance.
Yet he knew. Deep down he knew.
"You'll find me..."
He knew it had to be her.
He began to quicken his pace as he felt his heart leap in his throat. He'd been waiting for this moment for so long. He'd hated himself for choosing to leave Winhill and her behind, but now he was back and he was going to make up for the lost time. It hadn't even been a year, yet it felt like several lifetimes had passed since he'd last seen her. And he just couldn't wait to make it up to her. He'd missed seeing that shy smile for so long. Too long.
"I promise."
It was her.
Laguna began to sprint as he recognized her yellow turtleneck, her favorite shirt to wear. Her back was turned to him and he caught her checking the time as though she was waiting for someone. Tears welled up in his eyes as he ran so fast that he began wheezing.
"Raine!" Laguna called out once he was within hearing distance. Raine turned towards him and seemed to freeze. When he finally reached her, he practically collided into her as he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tight. Raine respond by hugging him back and pressing her face against his chest. Laguna felt hot tears spill down his cheeks as he realized that he'd been waiting for this moment for what felt like forever. He didn't even resist blubbering like a baby into her hair as he held her close.
"Laguna..." Raine said as she pulled away and looked up at him. Laguna saw that tears were starting to roll down her cheeks as well.
Laguna couldn't help but be aware of how much shorter she was than him in that moment. He chuckled as he placed his hands on her cheeks, wiped away her tears with his thumbs. "I'm so sorry I took so long," he said. "I knew...I knew I was an idiot for leaving you, Raine. And Ellone, too. But I'm here now," he said as he leaned down to kiss her forehead. "And I'm not leaving. Never again."
"You dummy...Do you have any idea how worried I was? I thought you might have gotten killed or something." Laguna heard anger in Raine's voice and he looked away for a moment, feeling regret for the pain that he must have cost her by not staying in contact.
"I'm sorry Raine. I just—You have no idea how crazy it can get on the road. So many horrible things happened and I was under so much stress. I had so many panic attacks. You know how I get sometimes. But then I started to really miss you and it all just came together for me."
For a moment they just stood there gazing into one another's eyes. Laguna couldn't help but feel at ease now that he was with Raine. Even after all the time that they'd spent apart, he felt as though he'd never left in the first place. He couldn't help but notice the dark shadows underneath Raine's eyes, though. He didn't remember seeing her looking that tired before he'd left.
"I can't believe it..." Raine murmured. "I can't believe you're actually here. You have no idea how happy I am, Laguna..."
"I'm happy, too."
"So what are you gonna do now that you're back?" Raine asked, as she began walking along the field, pulling Laguna's hand to make him follow her. "You think you might get a job here in little ol' Winhill?"
"I've been thinkin' about that actually" Laguna said, as he walked beside her hand in hand. "Maybe I'll work at that flower shop with that old lady. You think that'll be fun?" He asked, making a face.
"Oh, boy, that would be a blast, I'm sure," Raine said with a laugh. "Not exactly the same as gunning down people and monsters, huh?"
Laguna scratched the back of his head. "I mean it's just a job to me, Raine. I only really liked it 'cause Kiros and Ward were with me."
"Right," Raine said, nodding as she gave his hand a squeeze. "I'm just glad that you came here and found me. You have no idea how nice it is to see you," she said as she smiled at him. "You look tired, though. Not much sleep on the road, huh?"
"You guessed it," Laguna said. "Plus, Kiros snores really loudly. Like a freaking T-Rexaur, I swear. Sometimes I just wanted to smother him with a pillow."
"Says Mr. Snores a lot," Raine said, chuckling. "You know, I actually missed hearing you talk in your sleep about "stupid caterchipillars" and bite bugs."
"Hyne, that's probably what I hated most about Winhill...besides you of course," Laguna joked. Raine punched him playfully in the shoulder and he laughed.
They walked along the field until they came across a little park that was nestled near a wooded area. The park had a swing set, some monkey bars, and a slide. There were a few benches around it as well. Laguna moved towards a bench, pulling Raine behind him as they sat down on it.
"Too bad Elle isn't here," Raine mused.
Laguna sighed. "I dunno. As much as I adore the munchkin, it's kinda nice just sittin' here with you Raine. Besides, it's not like you can't fit on that swing. I'll push you, if you want."
Raine shot him a look. "There is no way in hell I'm gonna sit on a child's swing, Laguna."
"Always so serious," Laguna teased. "I'm just playin' around. And maybe I was wrong." Laguna playfully leaned back to look at Raine's backside. "Yup, your butt's definitely way too big to fit in it anyway."
At this, Raine slapped him on his shoulder. She wore a sour expression as she crossed her arms. "You make it sound like I'm fat or something, jerk."
"It's just a joke Raine. Don't tell me it got under your skin or whatever."
"You always get under my skin," Raine muttered. There was a pause then, as Raine turned to look at him. Laguna smiled softly at her as he sensed that she wanted to say something to him.
"So," she began. "How did you find me anyway?"
Laguna paused, realizing that what he was about to say was going to sound weird. "I know it sounds kind of crazy, but it's like I heard you on my way to Winhill telling me to find you. And I just followed your voice until I did. I just knew somehow that it would lead me to you. And there you were in this field, just standing and waiting for me like your voice said."
"That is crazy...it's like you read my mind or something. Because I was hoping deep down that I'd see you today. I was hoping that somehow our paths would cross." Raine's eyes watered as she looked at him. Laguna felt his heart pound as he reached to caress her cheek.
"Yeah," he breathed. "It's like...magic."
At this Raine laughed, removing his hand from her cheek. "Magic, Laguna? Don't get corny on me now."
"But it is like magic," Laguna insisted. "I mean, how else can you explain us meeting up here, somewhere far away from Winhill? There's no way we could have met up like this unless some...some divine being set us up to meet here."
Raine shook her head at him. "Please..." she said, starting to sound annoyed.
"You never take anything I say seriously," Laguna said, pouting. "Can't you for once just consider the fact that maybe this is some kind of sign? Maybe...maybe we really are meant to be together." Laguna took Raine's hand in his and squeezed it. "Maybe we're soulmates, Raine."
"Soulmates..." Raine repeated, frowning. They sat there for a while contemplating what Laguna had said. The weather was beginning to get breezy and Raine shivered as she pulled her arm sleeves down to cover her hands. Laguna took note of this, and felt guilt spread within him.
"Damn...wish I was wearing a jacket. I know how much you hate the cold." He patted his legs then, standing up. He gestured for Raine to get up as well, which she did. "Maybe we should head on to Winhill now. Get you inside and all nice and snug with a blanket. And Elle-" Laguna paused. "How is Elle anyway? Is she, you know, mad at me?" He asked, trying not to sound as afraid of the answer as he was.
Raine lowered her eyes as she crossed her arms. Laguna noticed for the first time how drawn and weary she looked in general. It seemed like she'd lost a bit of weight. He also realized that she'd been frowning a lot since they reunited. He worried that maybe the strain of living alone had been getting to her. He knew Raine was one to get upset easily. It was one of the reasons that he had a bit of a difficult time living with her. She would often get angry at him and raise her voice when he did things she found childish or even remotely irritating. Despite her attitude, he still found her irritable personality somewhat charming. He knew that deep down she was actually a softie. And it didn't take long for him to unveil that part of her either.
"Elle's...well, she's just Elle. Just the same crazy kid as always. She talks about you all the time Laguna. It's...honestly, it's like you never left."
Laguna felt his heart swell at this. "That's my girl," he said feeling a bit bashful. It was strange to have someone care so much about him even after his lengthy departure. But it also felt really nice.
He turned to Raine then, and she looked at him as well. He smiled gently as he leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips. Raine reached up to caress his cheek and Laguna placed a hand on her waist squeezing it. As he leaned back, he couldn't help but smile at her. Raine shook her head and laughed.
"What?"
"You have a silly smile on your face. That smile where you look...I don't know, kind of dumb," she said.
Laguna couldn't help but laugh at this. "Maybe I just always look dumb."
"That could be it," Raine said, and he knew she was just teasing him. It didn't bother him even if he did look dumb. Somehow he felt like he could bare his soul to Raine, not caring how he looked. In fact, he wanted her to know that she did this to him. Made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Made him feel this amazing. Because she was amazing.
"But you know," Raine said. "It's actually kind of funny."
"What is?" Laguna asked.
"Just that that's all it took for you to come here. You hearing my voice and all. I would have thought that it would take more than that, I guess."
"What do you mean?" Laguna said, not understanding what she was getting at. He reached to take hold of her hand, but she brushed his hand away.
"Forget it..." She said. "It's nothing. Just me being stupid."
Laguna shook his head wordlessly. She had changed the mood quickly making the air between them tense.
There was a breeze that blew at their hair and clothes making Laguna's neck and arm hairs stand on end. Something just wasn't right. He felt it in the air and in the tone of Raine's voice. And the way that she was looking at him was making uneasy. Like she was expecting something from him. It wasn't like Raine to look at him like that.
Laguna managed a smile, trying his best to be the upbeat friend she always needed to reassure her that things were alright. He hoped it would coax her to ease up a bit. Raine did seem to loosen up a little in response and that made Laguna relax as well.
"Raine, listen to me," Laguna said as he stepped towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders, encouraging her to look at him. She hesitantly raised her head and peered into his eyes. He was slightly startled by the haunted look in them, but he tried not to show it. "You are not stupid. You're a smart, beautiful, caring, and amazing woman. You even helped me out a lot with my writing while I was in Winhill, you know that? I used to write like a dumb-dumb until you helped me with my vocabulary."
"And your grammar," Raine added.
"Yup. That too."
"And your spelling, your sentence structure, your-"
"Alright, Alright! I get the point," Laguna said, laughing a little. Raine laughed with him, making him feel a little better.
But it didn't take long before the laughs died down and Raine's face darkened again. Laguna wilted at this, not understanding what was getting her so down. He had a knack for getting on Raine's nerves so he began to wonder if maybe he'd said something earlier that was bothering her.
"Why?" Raine asked quietly, breaking the silence.
"Why what?"
"So long..." Raine whispered as she tightened her hands into fists. "I waited so long..."
Laguna's heart plummeted. So there it was. The silent accusation that he'd known deep down would eventually come about. He opened his mouth to speak, but found that no words would come out. The guilt had hit him like a pile of bricks. He had no idea how to respond to her simple question. Was there any way to respond to it without him sounding like a horrible person anyway? He felt himself begin to sweat as he stood there, a silent traitor unable to defend himself. Maybe he didn't even deserve to be able to defend himself anyway.
"Why Laguna, why?" Raine suddenly cried out, heaving a gut-wrenching sob as she fell to her knees in front of him. Her head was lowered as she cried, her tears falling onto her jeans. Laguna felt his stomach jump seeing Raine pouring her heart out in front of him like this. It wasn't like the woman to weep openly, even in front of him. He suddenly felt dizzy as he fought to find some way to ease her mind. What could he say?
Was there anything to say?
A droplet of sweat trickled down Laguna's forehead as he was confronted by his greatest fear. He hated disappointing people. Especially those he cared deeply about. And he wasn't one to take confrontations well in the first place. He tried his best to gather his thoughts. Then apologies began pouring out of his mouth.
He was busy, he couldn't find the time, things came up, he wanted to come sooner but he couldn't. Just the same damn excuse stated in a multitude of ways. And as Laguna finished, hoping that he'd somehow miraculously alleviated some of the hurt that he'd caused, he felt every bit the idiot that he knew she thought he was.
Raine raised her head and stared at him, tears glistening on her cheeks. The air was so thick with silence Laguna felt like he might start to break down as well. Seeing Raine like this was unnerving. He was normally the one who needed consoling, not her. He was the weak one, not her.
"Raine, please..." Laguna pleaded as he leaned down and held his arms out to her. His lips quivered threateningly as he moved to embrace her. But Raine pushed his arms away and turned away from him, hanging her head.
All Laguna could do was lower his head in shame, accepting his defeat. He deserved this. He knew he had to deserve it. How could he just abandon her like that? When it was obvious that she loved him? And he loved her. What was…
What was wrong with him?
"You left me..." Raine said. "You left me all by myself for a year without so much as a letter. You left me pregnant and alone." Raine's voice began to waver as she spoke. "Do you have any idea how it felt, Laguna? Giving birth to that child…it was the worst pain I ever felt in my life. There was blood everywhere. So much blood. It was like I was giving birth to a monster, not a child. And you weren't even there to sit beside me. To hold my hand." She laughed bitterly. "Maybe...Maybe they were right about you."
"Raine, I'm sorry," Laguna said as he tried to think of some way to make it up to her. To convince her that he felt genuine regret for the pain that he'd unknowingly inflicted on her. Still, her comment about "them" being right about him had stung. Deeply. "For Hyne's sake I'd give anything to go back and-"
"Go back!?" Raine shouted, making Laguna flinch. "How can we go back Laguna? It's too late now. There's no going back. Not for you or me. No..." she said, shaking her head. "It's over."
"No..." Laguna said, gripping his right leg anxiously as the muscles tensed. "No, no...I can fix this. There has to be a way. I can...I can find a way. I know I can." He could feel himself beginning to panic, his breaths becoming shallow. It was like walls were closing in on him even though they were out in the open.
"You can't go back in time, you idiot," Raine snapped, and Laguna had never heard her call him that before. Somehow it didn't hurt so much. Probably because he felt that it was simply the truth.
"But you're right here with me," Laguna said smiling shakily, desperate to find something to latch on to. He reached again for Raine's hand, held it in his own trembling hand and began massaging it. He noted with relief that she was wearing the engagement ring that he'd bought her. It gave him some hope that he could encourage her to work with him. "You're with me, Raine. We're both here together right now and everything's gonna be okay. I promise. Can't you just trust me? Please?"
Raine snatched her hand out of his and glared at him. She then stood up and began walking away from him trudging through the field of flowers that he'd walked through to get there.
Laguna felt his heart beginning to pound watching her walk away from him. He charged in her direction unwilling to let things end like this. "Raine!" He called as he sped up into a run. Raine began running as well. But he was faster than her and was able to catch up to her quickly. He grabbed hold of her shoulder and forced her to turn around.
It was at that moment that Laguna woke up from his dream, sitting up quickly and gasping as though he'd just seen a ghost. Which in a way, he had. Realizing that he was no longer in a field of flowers and with Raine, he rubbed at his face trying to relax. He was in his bed, in his room. Raine wasn't here. He was completely alone. He rubbed at his face as he tried to ignore the dull ache in his chest. It was just a dream, he tried telling himself. It wasn't real. He lowered his hands and gazed unseeingly across his room.
It had felt real, though. It was as though he could actually feel Raine's shoulder as he'd grasped it at the end of the dream. He felt the softness of her skin as well as the boniness of her shoulder.
Laguna felt sweat trickle down the side of his face as he thought more about the last moment of the dream, just before he woke up. Why did he have to wake up just before she turned around? He had really wanted some closure before the dream ended. There was something he wanted to get out of Raine. He wanted to feel like he'd gotten through to her somehow. That she understood how he was truly sorry for the pain that she'd been through.
And it wasn't exactly the first dream that he'd had that had ended without the closure he felt he needed. He'd had countless dreams of this type since Raine's death. His mind had conjured up so many scenarios where he'd tried desperately to get her to understand why he couldn't be with her in her time of need. Why he couldn't save her. Why he'd abandoned her, Ellone, and Squall.
He just couldn't seem to come to terms with his guilt and self-hatred. Even after all these years, they ate at him and made him feel like he was less than human. Like he was some sort of cowardly maggot who just couldn't commit to the people who needed him most. People who he loved deeply.
Laguna also didn't feel comfortable sleeping alone in his room tonight. And so, grabbing a pillow and his blanket, he walked out of his room and down the hallway until he reached Kiros's room. Kiros always left his door open in case of times like this. It was far from the first time that he'd come in here in the middle of the night so that he had some company when he slept. Laguna laid down on the floor next to Kiros's bed, almost comforted by the sound of his friend's snoring. Maybe he wouldn't get much sleep, but at least he wasn't alone.
And that was something.