Forever

Matt Casey had just stepped out of the shower and was getting dressed when his phone started buzzing. He had an idea who it was, and felt his eyes bulge when he saw the name and realized he was wrong.

"Kidd, what's up?"

Stella couldn't sound panicked if her life depended on it, but Casey could still tell that something was wrong as soon as he heard her voice.

"Is Kelly with you?"

"Uh, no, he's not, why?"

"He never came home, I've been waiting around for hours and...I just thought maybe he went to see you."

A dozen different scenarios were racing through Casey's head at that moment and none of them good.

"Did you call the others?"

"No, I thought I'd start with you," Stella told him. "You seemed...the most obvious."

Casey wasn't sure how to take that, but he responded, "Call Capp and Tony and see if they've heard from him, I'll check with Boden."

"Gotcha, thanks, Casey."

Matt disconnected the call, but before he dialed up Boden, something came to him and in that instant, he had a pretty good idea where Severide was. He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.

Severide's car was parked at the curb, Casey didn't know if he should be relieved or panicked that his hunch was right. He pulled his truck up behind the Mustang, got out, and went up the sidewalk to the building complex. The front door had been left open with a metal wedge under the door, the inside of the building was dark. Casey took out a flashlight and shone it around to see what he was getting into. The stairwell was dark, admittedly Casey didn't know which apartment had been Benny's, but he had a feeling he'd know it when he found it. He went up the stairs, moving his light from side to side, not sure what it was he was expecting to find, and called out, "Kelly? Severide?"

On the next floor he looked down the corridor and saw one door was slightly ajar, if this wasn't it, he was going to have one hell of a story to tell the cops, he pocketed his light and went over to the apartment. Before he even reached the door he could hear muffled sounds coming from inside that almost sounded like a wounded animal.

"Kelly?" he called out in half whisper as he pushed the door open. "Are you in here?"

The whole place was pitch dark. He felt along the wall for a light switch but couldn't find one, so he took his flashlight out again. There was Kelly, crumpled up on the floor by the couch, so lost in his grief he didn't even acknowledge the other man standing in the room or the blinding light shining on him.

"Kelly!" Casey ran over to him and dropped to his knees beside Severide and took the other man in his arms as he sobbed almost hysterically.

Matt was well aware of how stupid the question was, but there was never anything helpful to say in a situation like this, "Are you alright? What happened?"

Now Kelly seemed to actually be aware Casey was in the room with him. He threw his arms around Casey's back and clung to him as he threw his head on Matt's shoulder and continued to cry, with high pitched choking sobs tearing through every few breaths.

"I'm sorry, Kelly, I'm so sorry," Casey told him as he rubbed Severide's back comfortingly, "I know you miss him."

If Severide had anything to say, he couldn't get it out past his tears, he didn't even try, he just hung onto Casey as every breath he sucked in was forced back out.

Casey didn't know how long they sat on the floor like that, after what seemed like an eternity, Kelly finally started to wind down, and loosened his grip on Matt. When he was finally quiet, Casey let go of him and told him, "Come on, Kelly, let's get you out of here. Can you get up?"

Severide choked back another sob, rubbed the back of his hand across his face and let out a half exhausted, "Yeah."

Casey helped Kelly to his feet, he was pretty steady so he probably hadn't started drinking yet, but Casey knew his best friend well enough to know that wouldn't last for long.

Kelly looked around the darkened room and told Casey in a shaky breath, not able to finish the sentence, "I didn't tell him...I didn't tell him..."

Casey clapped a hand on Kelly's back and told him, "It's alright, he knew, Kelly. Come on."

Severide seemed to be in a stupor, he followed Casey out of the apartment, down the stairs, out to the street, got in the passenger side of his truck, and the two of them drove back to Casey's apartment in complete silence. Every so often Casey would turn and glance over at Severide, who either just stared straight ahead, or occasionally turned and looked out the window at the scenery they passed by. Casey wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to try talking to him or not, for now he opted for the silence and hoped from here Kelly could calm down. It had been an up and down day, on one hand, Benny's last act as a father had ended Gorsch's reign of terror, for which Casey himself wished Benny was still alive so he could personally thank the man, but it shouldn't have come at this expense, and intellectually Matt knew that one had nothing to do with the other, it was just all coincidence, rotten luck, but he knew none of that was going to make Kelly feel any better.

"Come on, Kelly," he said as they pulled in to the driveway.

For a minute, he didn't think Severide would get out of the truck, but finally he reached over and opened the door. Once he actually stepped out though, he was not so steady on his feet and Casey had to help him up to the door. They made it as far as the couch before Kelly broke down crying again, Casey eased him down on the sofa and sat down beside him.

"I didn't get there soon enough," Kelly confessed, "When the hospital called, I didn't think it was that serious. People have strokes all the time, they recover."

"Kelly, there wasn't anything you could've done," Casey told him.

"I should've gone to see him, after he didn't show up I should've gone back to see if he was alright," Kelly said through his tears.

"Kelly, you had no reason to think he wasn't alright, it's not your fault."

"How long...how long was he just laying on the floor before anybody came to help? I should've been there."

Casey put an arm around Severide and pulled him to him, "Kelly, none of this was your fault, it just happened."

In between sobs, Kelly choked out, "The last thing...I said to him..."

"I know, I know," Casey said sympathetically, "but Kelly, he wouldn't have done what he did if he didn't care, or if he thought you didn't."

Severide clamped a hand against his mouth in a vain attempt to stifle the sounds escaping him as his whole body wracked with every breath he took.

"I can never tell him I'm sorry."

Casey felt his own eyes stinging with tears that were just starting to build up.

"I know, neither can I," he said quietly as he rubbed Severide's back.

"Stella, I found him," Casey hoped the door between his bedroom and the rest of the apartment was enough to block out his voice so Severide wouldn't hear him talking. "He's in pretty bad shape, I'm just going to let him crash on my couch and then I'll bring him back tomorrow."

"Okay, well thanks for letting me know," Kidd responded, the relief in her voice evident.

Casey disconnected the call and set his phone on the dresser. He picked up a spare blanket from the closet and went back out to the living room where he'd already gotten Severide settled on the couch for the night. For the time being Kelly had quit crying again, and Casey was hoping he'd fall asleep soon and at least be able to get through the night in some semblance of peace.

Kelly laid on the couch with one blanket already drawn up to his chest and a pillow tucked behind his head, he had both arms folded behind his head and looked at something somewhere between straight ahead at the wall, and the ceiling above him.

"It's been getting pretty chilly in here at night, you'll probably need this," Casey said as he unfolded the heavy blanket and draped it over the other one, he noted the distant look in Kelly's eyes and asked him, "You okay, Kelly?"

"I just can't believe he's really gone," Severide said, his voice as distant as his eyes were.

"I know." Casey moved one hand up and stroked over the top of Kelly's short hair that was getting more gray in it than ever before. After this whole mess, he'd probably go completely gray overnight. "You need to get some rest though."

Kelly blinked, as if he'd just returned to his own body, and he nodded, and said not quite convincingly, "I will, thanks."

Casey felt awkward about leaving Severide alone for the night, but he had no idea how to broach the subject without it sounding weird.

"You need anything," he gestured towards the bedroom, "You know where to find me."

Severide nodded, "Yeah, thanks."

It had been the day of Benny Severide's funeral, an emotional roller coaster for everybody at 51, but Casey knew, as he stripped off the last of his dress uniform and tossed it on the bed, none of them more than Kelly. The turnout had been huge, the service seemed to last forever, he seriously wondered for a while if they were ever getting out of there. In the end, everybody had parted ways, Kelly and Stella had gone back to her place, and everything was left at that until they saw each other during the next shift.

Casey had a beer, took a shower, and got dressed to go to bed, when he heard a knock at the door. He certainly hadn't been expecting any company, but he went to the door to see who it was.

"Kelly," he said in a surprised tone.

Severide had changed out of his uniform and was wearing his regular clothes, and he looked like hell.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

Casey blinked, "Yeah, of course. What's going on?"

"Can I stay here for the night?" he asked as he walked over to the couch and sat down, "Stella...she's trying to help, and I just can't deal with it right now. I thought a night apart might do both of us some good."

"Yeah, of course, my door's always open," Casey told him. He decided to bite the bullet and asked Severide, "How're you holding up?"

"I know what you're worried about," Kelly responded and raised a hand to get his attention, "I haven't taken any pills, I haven't had anything to drink."

That genuinely surprised Casey. Over the years Severide had gotten better at being able to process his grief, but if anything could send him running back to his old coping mechanisms, Casey would've figured this would've done it.

He quickly recovered from his shock and remarked, "Okay, that's good, Kelly." Then something else occurred to him, "Have you eaten?"

Severide grumbled something unintelligible.

"You need anything?"

Kelly shook his head, "Nah, I'm good, just...thanks for letting me stay here."

"Anytime," Casey replied as he went to get the extra bedding for the couch.

Casey heard something that he wasn't quite sure what it was, but initially thought it was part of a dream he was having. Then he realized the sound was somebody crying, and he woke up. He looked at the red digits on the clock on his dresser and saw it was 2:45 in the morning. He sat up in his bed and listened, and he heard the distant sounds of Severide crying in the living room. Casey sighed and fell back against the pillows. He was at a loss on how to help Kelly get through this. Losing somebody on a call, they had more than their share of experience in that field, but this was one he never saw coming, and it was obvious Kelly never did either.

Casey waited and watched the numbers on the clock slowly changed as he waited to see if Severide calmed down and went back to sleep, but 2:45 became 3:00 and the muffled cries never subsided. Casey turned on his side, then on his other side, and tossed and turned for several minutes, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep, and then finally he couldn't take it anymore. He threw back the covers, stood up from the bed, went over to the door, opened it, and stormed out into the living room.

Even in the dark Casey could see Severide had his back to him and had his face buried in the back of the couch. Matt made his way over to the couch and noticed Severide didn't notice the sound of his approaching footsteps. He stood over the other man and realized Kelly was still asleep as he continued to cry. Casey put a hand on Severide's shoulder and shook him to make him wake up. Kelly choked a couple times as he opened his eyes, turned over and sat up to find out what was going on. Casey didn't say anything, instead he knelt down beside the couch and wrapped his arms so tight around Severide he thought he was going to hear his spine pop. He pulled Kelly against him so close he could actually feel Severide's heart beating in his chest and against his own. Kelly started crying again and leaned against Casey for support. Matt momentarily let go of Kelly and placed his hands on the sides of Severide's head, leaned over and kissed him on the forehead, then put his arms back around his best friend and held him as tightly against him as possible.

"It's going to be alright, Kelly, it's going to be alright," he whispered, feeling the tears come for him again as he listened to Severide being in so much pain.

Kelly didn't go home the next day, and Casey didn't trust the idea of letting Severide out of his sight for the time being. They'd fallen asleep sometime during the early morning in more or less the same position they'd been in awake, Casey woke up with his head resting on one of the couch cushions, holding Severide in his arms. His knees were killing him and he didn't have any feeling left in his feet from sitting on them. Kelly hadn't been up for conversation when they woke up, which was just as well because Casey was terrified of saying something wrong that would start Severide bawling again. Kelly got up to get a shower before breakfast, during which time Casey took the liberty of rounding up all the alcohol he kept in the apartment and hiding it. As hard as it was for Kelly to grieve sober, things would only get worse if he resorted to his old ways and started knocking back drinks to try and dull the pain.

Casey didn't know if Severide had been eating lately, he had or hadn't been doing something that contributed to him looking so terrible, so Matt erred on the side of caution and cooked a bland breakfast for both of them. When Severide got out of the shower, he surprised Casey by actually dishing up a plate and joining him at the table.

"I feel like I should apologize for last night," was the first thing he said.

Casey just shook his head. "No need to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I feel like a failure, Casey," he confessed, "I always thought I didn't care what Benny thought of me, because I never thought that I cared what I thought about him. I knew what he was, Benny was just Benny, no more, no less...I never thought he'd do something like this, would be capable of doing anything like this."

"Nobody did, he took us all by surprise," Casey told him.

Kelly poked at his food with his fork and responded, "Now he's dead, and I want him back, because I want him to know I loved him."

"He did know it, Kelly, it doesn't matter what happened between the two of you, he always knew that."

"You weren't there," Severide responded.

"No...and I wasn't there when my dad died either," Casey told him. "You know what the last thing I said to him was?"

Kelly looked at him and shook his head.

"Nothing...it was my weekend with him, and he...berated me the whole time, but I didn't dare say anything back to him...I just took it. I'd seen what he did to my mom, defying him never worked in anybody's favor. I went home, didn't tell my mom what had happened...apparently I didn't need to. And the rest is history. I didn't like my father, some days I'm not even sure I loved him...but I still regret not being able to tell him that I did. But I saw you, any time Benny came to 51, no matter what was happening, you could tell just by looking at the two of you, he was proud of you...and you loved him."

Severide shook his head with a sad smile and his eyes started welling up with tears again as he replied, "I'm a horrible person. I go to him asking for help for Boden, tell my own father, that someone else was more of a father to me than he ever was...that's the last thing I ever get to tell him."

"Don't start crying again," Casey told him. "You just told him the truth, you can't feel guilty for that. Kelly, if you had known when you went to see Benny, that that was the last time you'd ever see him, what would you have done differently?"

"I don't know...everything."

"And if he knew it was the last time, he would've done things differently too," Casey said. "None of this is your fault."

"I can't accept that," Kelly shook his head.

"You better, because if you're going to be staying here I'm not going to drop it," Casey told him, then his eyes widened as he realized, "I'm sorry, Kelly, I didn't mean..."

"Actually..." Kelly said slowly, "I was going to ask if you'd mind if I stayed a little longer."

Casey didn't get it but he wasn't going to pry. Stella might've seen Kelly during some bad times, but she hadn't been around for the lowest low points in his life, Andy's death, Shay's, Casey had been there and seen him at his worst, he knew better what to expect than Stella did, and maybe that's what Kelly was trying to spare her now.

"Like I said," Casey replied, "my door's always open."

Kelly looked at him as he finally put a forkful of food in his mouth, "Thanks, buddy."