Hey everybody. This is a fic purely for self reflection. The characters can be whoever you want them to be, you can change the main character to a male in your mind or wahtever. This is something for anyone else who may be having the same problems as me with their life. Enjoy :
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The world was spinning, spinning like a Tilt-a-Whirl ride at the carnival. She couldn't see anything but the shouts of her father, the sobs of her mother, and the shaking heads of those she disappointed. There was nothing but the failure, the guilt, and the anger.
She was angry, hell she was furious. What had she done to deserve a life like this? What had she done to the gods above to be constantly wracked with giult and fear and expectations? Everyday she woke up with her mind buzzing, planning the way she would handle each event on her social calender, and all the things she would have to do to keep everything going smoothly. People told her, drilled it in her brain, that some things were just out of her control, but how hard it was to believe it. If only it were simple enough to push fear and insecurity aside, to accept that whatever happens happens, and there was nothing she could do about it.
If only it were that simple.
If only she had been able to look him in the eyes and tell him that the way he ignored her one minute and treated her like a prize the next hurt her. If only she could stare him in the face and ask him how much this relationship meant to him, honestly. No, instead she turned away, cried in the bathroom at the parties where she felt completely insufficient, and put on a smile and told a joke when anyone was suspicious.
But to tell the truth, though she was surrounded by people who loved her, a boyfriend who loved her, she had never felt more completely alone.
They have a saying, the well respected psychologists. Keep it all inside, and eventually you will explode. She was exploding right now. To others, it seemed like nothing. He had forgotten to call, and when he did remember, his excuse was empty. It was as though she was a time bomb that had reached its quota. For so long she had relied on his comfort, his words of encouragement and affection, but now she couldn't lie to herself anymore.
It wasn't good enough. It certainly wasn't his fault though. He was a normal human being who made mistakes, but she was so afraid to call him out on it that she just turned it on herself. When he had other plans, or cancelled plans with her for someone else, she didn't get mad at him. She only doubted herself. Maybe she wasn't fun enough for him. Maybe he had moved on. She would promise herself that next time, she would be more fun, more enthusiastic, so surely he would realize what he was missing. It was a vicious cycle, a plague that threatened to swallow her whole, and spit out the remains of her guilt ridden body.
She began to realize, however, that changing herself to please others was only going to hurt her in the long run.
So she did the only thing she knew how to do when she was upset. She went for a long run.
As she sped through the deserted streets, she thought about her predicament. It certainly wouldn't be simple to just be herself and not be afraid of rejection, it would be a terrifying thing indeed. And it certainly wouldn't be an overnight deal. She would have to work at it, work at expelling her guilt and allowing self acceptance, no matter how hard it may be.
So when her run was finished, she did the first thing she could to begin the long road to happiness.
She gave him a call, and told him exactly how she felt.