What We Don't Give Ourselves Credit For
We all have our flaws, those parts of us that have made us who we are.
Sometimes they can be our downfall and sometimes... Sometimes they can be the thing that saves us when we need it most.
That's what having children, most specifically Britney, would mean for Denise. It was all Linda could have hoped for.
Sadly, it seemed that would never quite be the case.
And it just seemed too unfair that she, the scatty blond Nurse without true stability in her own life, would be left to create it for the two young children that had been caught in the crossfire.
"Linda?"
She caught her breathe, re-entering the room with some force as her hand came to refocus on the spoon she seemed to have been endlessly turning in her cup; Caught up making a coffee on the bigger picture? Of course. Two innocent lives had been so prematurely ruined and she hadn't even got the energy – or patience – to try and correct what mistakes had been made. It seemed only fair that Britney was refusing to talk to her and Joe remained silent during their brief phone calls.
"Linda?"
He spoke again, having edged a little closer. At this moment, he seemed to be nothing but a hindrance in her life and yet the only true contact she had with the kids. She wanted to hate him for getting involved, making her feel (although never having actually said) that she wasn't fit to care for them but how could she? They trusted him, she trusted him... and most of the time what he said seemed to make sense.
"Do they need me?"
Dropping the spoon into the sink, she clasped the mug and turned to face him, supporting her back against the ledge of the sideboard. Their eyes met and he smiled. Instantly it seemed much brighter, much warmer...
"Charlie noticed you'd gone missing. I covered for you... But I guessed the wisest thing would be to come to look for you."
"I'm on my break. Am I not allowed one of those these days?"
Her tone had been abrupt. He stepped back a little in surprise. Instantly she mentally reminded herself that to cross that line would be a mistake, she needed at least one person who understood what kind of feeling seemed to be engulfing her.
"I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter."
He stepped beside her, making himself his own coffee without a further word. It was his willingness to forgive her mannerisms was just another part of this situation she needed to learn to accept.
Lenny Lyons hadn't been a man whose path she had crossed often before these past few weeks. Yes, of course they worked alongside one and other, diagnosing and treating but other than that, their conversation had been limited. And if Linda was honest with herself, she had been happy with that... She never had been a fan of the over confident Scottish. And yet here she was, under the guidance of a man six years her junior with all the wisdom of a person who had been alive for decades more than herself; he had been through the hell that it seemed she now seemed to be inflicting unnecessarily on her own flesh and blood, something which he had described in great detail to her most recently. Of course it had been hard to listen but she needed to, wanted to even. Something about his experience, and how he seemed no longer to be haunted by the thought more than subconsciously, seemed to have touched something inside her chest that she long felt had been discarded.
But yet she couldn't, possibly even couldn't allow herself to use his pain to motivate her own choice.
Was that selfish?
It certainly felt that way.
"Britney texted me. She's doing okay I think... Joe too."
Or maybe it was guilty? They were within arm's reach and she was here, throwing herself into the work she loved so much, trying to bury that feeling of the ache that chorused through her chest with each thought of them.
"I was thinking of maybe going to see them this weekend... You fancy it?"
It seemed almost laughable to hear him say this to her. She had, in fact, felt the urge rising in her throat. And yet, she had chosen to suppress it.
What was his purpose? His idea about all of this? The idea that he could have actually taken an active interest in the children was confusing, and one that had left Linda questioning much more than she felt she was supposed to. Her thoughts were supposed to be focused on Britney and Joe, not on the intentions of the junior doctor whom before this she had barely spoken to.
"They asked to see you?"
"No, I erm... I just thought it would be nice for them to see a friendly face, that's all. It isn't a problem is it?"
Of course she wanted to say yes. Yes, it was a problem that her own niece and nephew preferred the company of a man they barely knew, to that of her own. Although they barely knew their aunt. But she didn't feel it right to deny him of the chance to spend time with them. It was a strange comfort to know some part of her was close to them, even if she did not feel brave enough to face them herself. So she offered Lenny her widest smile and nodded.
"I'll visit them next weekend. I'm not sure I can make it this one."
He let her leave the room in the cover of silence. He could not question her, did not want to push her. It seemed safer to let he 'be' for a while, amble over the choices she had and the decision that she would make, all of which he knew needed to be the right one for her, and for the children. He knew for now, he simply needed to be her friend, and theirs too.