Title: Wish You Well
Spoilers: Season 8
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Please don't sue.
Wish You Well
She had to do this on her own; he knew that. In the past he could hold her hand and offer her comfort. She wouldn't allow him this time. She had to work through this all on her own.
He would be there for her when she needed him; she knew that. Before, she had always found her strength to overcome through him. She would again, but for now, she wanted to do this on her own, for her, as well as for him. She needed to know she could.
No darling I can't take your thirst away
but I can show you to the sea
While you're walking on that path unknown, say will you think of me
Well time will tell,
I wish you well
He remembered her past….her mother….the near DUI….Adam Trent….all the demons she had to battle. Watching Sara fight with them was not new to him, but she conquered those demons. It was these new ones that scared him. These new ones were different.
There were times when she allowed him to hold her. She mostly just pushed him away though. When this happened, he had to fight with himself not to run to her and take her form into his arms and never let go. When she was awake, she smiled and he felt their souls lock together. She seemed happy, like a newlywed should be, when she was awake. It was at night, when the memories flooded her dreams and she tossed in her sheets that he knew she was still suffering.
He got into the habit of watching her sleep, never letting her know he was watching. When she awoke, he would pretend to sleep. Most nights she turned away from him, curled herself into a ball, and wept before finally crying herself back to sleep. He found out early not to touch her during these episodes. The first time he had woken to her trembling, curled up form, he tenderly stroked her arm. She burned at his touch and fled outside, leaving him alone. He followed after her and watched as she stood outside, staring at the sky with her arms wrapped protectively around her. In all of the times following, her reaction never differed. Those were the worst nights.
Other nights, when she woke from her nightmares, she would crawl into his arms. Despite pretending he was still asleep, he would tighten his grip on her and she would sigh before falling back asleep. These were the good nights. It was on these nights that he didn't feel so utterly helpless. He felt as though he was actually doing something, and maybe, perhaps, she would be okay. He could sleep on these nights. It was then, that he would dream of the life they would build together. When they woke up he would remember his dreams and wish he could take her nightmares and replace them with his dreams. Every night, he wished he would see her get a restful sleep. It never came.
Too many times I've seen those ghosts before
I've watched them dance around your bed
I would give you all my sleep filled nights
Just to see you get some rest
Sara tossed and turned before sitting straight up as her body trembled from her latest nightmare. She wanted to curl into a ball and shrink away. She wouldn't though. Not this night. She knew that if she did, Grissom wouldn't get any sleep. He would lay there and watch her, concerned, while she wept. She wanted him to get some sleep, so she fought her urge to hide, and gently pushed herself backwards, until she was in his arms. As usual, his grip tightened on her protectively. When she heard his soft breathing, she turned in his arms to watch him sleep. She would have to tell him the next morning that she was leaving.
Grissom woke the next morning to observe Sara sitting in a chair next to the bed, watching him. He sat up quickly when he noticed the sadness that filled her eyes.
"Honey, are you alright? What is it?"
Sara decided to spit the words out quickly before she lost her nerve. "I have to leave. I'm sorry Gil, but I need to go."
"What? Why? Sara, what are you not telling me?"
"I need to go figure some things out. I'm still having nightmares," she said for his sake, despite the fact she knew he knew, "and…."
"I can help you. Don't leave………please." His voice became quiet as he looked down. The concern in his eyes turned into sorrow.
Sara looked down to stare at her hands. "I'm sorry…..I have to…I need to get away from here…for now."
"Sara…."
"I'm sorry Gil…..I….I.…I love you." Sara's voice moved from soft to barely a whisper. Then, she stood up as tears filled her eyes, and she ran from the room.
Grissom couldn't believe what he had just heard. She was leaving. He couldn't help her, as much as he wanted to, and he wanted to with every fiber of his being. She wasn't going to let him though. He would have to settle for being here when she came back……if she came back.
It's not my place to try and fill that place
but I can wish you well
Oh, I wish you well
Grissom climbed out of their bed, but had to sit back down when his legs failed to hold him. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he tried to regain his balance before getting up and making his way to the kitchen. She had her hands on the counter and was gently weeping into the kitchen sink. He stood in the doorway, watching, wondering if his presence was wanted, and what her reaction would be if he wrapped his arms around her. He sighed and decided to take the chance. Coming up behind her, he lifted his arms to enfold them around her and pleaded in her ear, "Will you be back?"
She turned to face his, the tears lingering in her eyes. "Gil, I love you."
He nodded and smiled faintly.
"I will be back. I just need some time….alone. I love you too much to leave you. I just want…I need….We need…to start our life together happy, like we are supposed to be…like it's supposed to be.
He nodded again, then whispered, "Where will you go?"
"I don't know."
"I'll miss you."
It was her turn to nod and smile faintly.
Grissom gently lifted her chin up and stared into her eyes. He tried to hide the pain in his as he thought about how much he would miss her. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to be together. He had wasted too much time before letting her in, and now the beginning of their marriage was going to be spent separated. He realized that the only comfort he would receive while she was away was his memories of their time together.
It's times like this
I start to ponder all the things we'll miss
We can always reminisce
Sara left the next morning. She hoped she could move on quickly and return to him. She feared that lately he was only with her to comfort her and help her move on. She felt him trying to offer her more and more protection, but she feared that when she could finally move on, he would have grown weary of giving her so much of himself, and he would either leave or feel trapped in their relationship. She couldn't risk that. She wanted him to want to be with her. She wanted to offer him more than a figure to protect. She wanted to give him a woman to love. The woman she was before her kidnapping.
Six weeks into their separation, Sara sat on a secluded beach, pondering her thoughts. She thought about all of her reservations and fears as she gazed out at the reflection of the moon on the dark waters of the Pacific Ocean at night. She then reached into her pocket to pull out a letter she had received from him earlier that day. It had been awhile since he had written, and fear had stopped her from opening it earlier. Grabbing her flashlight, she shone the light down to illuminate the letter.
Dearest Sara,
I have begun this letter a thousand times and a thousand times I have discarded it, knowing that no words I write could ever come near to conveying the depths of my feelings for you. I still do not know the words to write, but am writing what I can to spare you the pain of not hearing from me any longer.
I miss you. I understand your need to leave and I wait for the day you will return. Each day we spend apart, I lose a piece of my soul, as it travels to find you and bring you back to me. I waited too long to act upon my feeling. I wasted too much time and I realize now, just how fleeting time is. I should have listened to the words of Kahlil Gibran:
"When love becons to you, follow him
Though his ways are hard and steep
And when his wings enfold you yield to him
Though the sword is hidden amoung his pinions
May wound you
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as
The north wind lays waste the garden."
I was afraid love's voice would shatter my dreams, only it didn't, it fulfilled them. You are my dreams, Sara, and if it takes you to the end of time to heal, I will wait for you, wait for your eyes to glow once again, wait for your smile.
I love you Sara.
Gil
Sara folded the letter and stood up while wiping the tears from her cheeks. That night, she dreamt, not of digging herself out from under the car, or wandering and stumbling through the desert, waiting for him to find her, but of Grissom holding her, brushing his hand gently, reverently along her skin, caressing her and kissing her softly. She realized then, that it was still Grissom helping her to heal. It always would be.
When you come back from the grey beyond
with moonlight in your face
I will meet you where that dark roads ends
and it won't be long until we're there
Grissom stood on his back patio, looking outward into the night sky when he heard the screen door open and close behind him. He swung around to see her.
"Sara," he gasped as she approached him.
Her face broke out into a magnificent smile, as his broke out into tears, the tears he refused to shed while she was away. He closed the space between them and reached out to hold her. She stepped into him and he tightened his grip on her waist, afraid to let go. She laughed softly as she brought his head to her shoulder.
"You came back."
"When love becons to you, follow him?"
He smiled. "Yes."
"I missed you."
He looked up into her eyes. "Are you alright?"
She smiled faintly. "Getting there, only, I don't want to do this alone."
"I don't want you to do this alone. I thought it was something you had to do."
"So did I, I was afraid of letting you help, but then, in your letter, you quoted Gibran, and I remembered what he wrote a few passages later:
'But if in your fear you would seek only love's
peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your
nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.'"
Grissom stepped back and gazed at Sara. Love and admiration flowed from his eyes. They stood silently, watching each other. Then, she spoke.
"I want us to heal together."
He stepped back into her embrace and leaned into her, capturing her lips with a kiss. As the kiss deepened, she wrapped her arms around his neck. He scooped up her legs and carried her off into their bedroom. They lay that night, facing each other, brushing their hands along the other's arm and whispering about past memories, good memories.
Once, once again
We'll talk about way back when
Oh, but until then, I wish you well
Oh, I wish you well
Once again, Grissom watched as Sara slept. She did not toss and turn though. Nor did she tremble. She just moved into his body and slept. He looked down at the sleeping for in his arms and smiled. Then, he closed his eyes and dreamt of the woman he loved, now lying against him in his arms.