Ipods from Hell
or Technology KILLS.
Summary:When Wrath goes on a hike and finds a piece of technology, everyone suffers. Set in the anime world with the same plot, but in 2007. More inside.
A collaboration of random things that enter my brain after three hours looking up the word 'fanfiction' on watching bad FMA AMVs set to the tune of High School Musical, and coughing.
Creativity: Very Low.
Warning: Contains Self Insertion, and after you read this, I demand and force you to read Radio YAOI before I get the Christmas Carol Special up.
I have some brainfood for Beach House, so expect THAT update soon.
Now for the real story.
If all things of niceness could happen today, they certainly weren't happening at Dante's mansion. First, Gluttony ate all the food in the cupboard, so the cupboard was bare in an irony of the Old Mother Hubbard tale. Then Wrath decided to go on a hiking expedition somewhere off in the nearby woods and hadn't come home yet. And to top it all off, Envy had no ideas for his up and coming fanfiction!
The palm tree-ed one stared at the computer blankly like it had just cussed out his mother. He tried to type a sentence, but everything he wrote conflicted with the story's underlining message! He sighed and leaned back into the dangerously antique chair. Writing a recent classic to follow up a volume of BLEACH was hard enough as it was, with all this weird stress going on.
All of a sudden (AN: My favorite line.), there was a knock at the window. Envy ignored the sound. Another knock. And another. Yet another. And another. And another. Envy swung the window wide open.
"WHAAAAATTTT????"
Wrath stood outside, wearing army cameo, black paint on his face, a sack like one on Pokemon, and a famous idiotic grin.
"I see you have returned from your hike of doom, O Dear One-Armed Clone." Envy muttered sarcastically. At least someone could suffer with him now.
Wrath nodded. "And wait til you see what I found! I'll be in there in a few minutes."
Before you could say, "No, leave me alone, you hyper growth stunted armless emotionally dependent freak!" Wrath was sharing all of his lovely treasures with Envy.
"A pink container!" Wrath cheered.
"Wow. A can of Tab."
"An educational DVD describing the future of all of us."
"That's The Conqueror of Shamballa, and apparently, if we don't go to Germany, we all die or get surrounded by zeppelins."
"This thing!"
"Wait, lemmee see that." Envy grabbed the pieces of paper out of Wrath's hands.
THE SAKURACAMS
WARNING: WHOMEVER READS THIS BEFORE PRODUCTION IS A NO GOOD NINNY WHO SKIPS CHAPTERS AND READS THE ENDS OF BAD ROMANCE NOVELS.
"It's bunk," Envy muttered, and threw it in the trash.
"Harry Potter Spoilers!"
"Snape kills Dumbledore, Voldemort was in Professor Quirrel, and Draco marries Harry in a last minute plot turn. Was that so bad?" he asked, turning to the readers, breaking the Third and a Half Wall.
"And here's best of all;" said Wrath with an air of mystery in his voice.
"Oh, can't wait, since everything else you showed me was worthless."
"Shut up," he shot back, a catch in his throat. Quickly recovering, he pulled out…
"THIS."
The Hyper One held up a black and yellow circular device. It had a big red button and a screen. Pink headphones attached to a wire stuck out from the machine.
"What is this?" asked Envy, tugging on the headphones. "Some sort of a weapon or something?" He put the headphones in his ears.
"Nah, its too ugly for that." Wrath said. "But that's not the coolest part. PRESS THIS!" He slammed his finger on the smaller black button.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
"Whoa," muttered Envy. He pressed the red button. A screen appeared with a list of names.
"Pick that one!" yelled Wrath, slamming his finger on the red button.
Bruce Springsteen!
Madonna!
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie…
"Hehehe…" giggled Wrath.
"Pretty cool thing, for something ugly."
"Whatchya got there?" Lust, or as I refer to her, Lord Voldemort, reared her makeup clad, conditioner soaked, and overall disagreeable to the family friendly idea, head in the room.
"…noooooottthhhhhiiiiiinnnnnggggg…" Wrath and Envy said, trying to hide their cool thing. Before you could say, "Back off, large chested Havoc disabling nail growing woman!" the toy was out of their hands and into hers.
"What an odd thing," Lust muttered, putting a headphone into her ears and selecting a song. "Hmm…whomever owned this has debatable taste."
"…Eh?" asked Wrath.
"Elderly one, I don't get your lingo…" muttered Envy.
"Let us give her points for songs with class such as, 'The Phantom of the Opera'-
"Waitaminnit, how can you tell this person's a girl?" Envy wondered out loud.
"Who else would walk around with pink headphones?"
Wrath thought hard to answer this question. "Hmm…"
"EDWARD ELRIC." Envy shouted.
"??"
"No, seriously, wouldn't that be hot? I mean, it's Edward Elric. With pink headphones!" He looked around the room. "Oh, why do I bother explaining my yaoi ideals?
Lust blinked at Envy like he just told her he was going to jump off the Tokyo Tower in nothing but a glowing Elvis suit, and commenced with her sentence."-and 'Kaze no Uta', but deduct for tackier, older songs that date as old as the eighties, and this odd one…I wonder if this is the one you can watch Pokemon on?"
"That's great! Can we have it back?"
"No."
In an amazing display of sinew and strength, Wrath spun around in a ball and landed a double foot kick on Lust's face. Temporarily broken, homunculi technology reformed it as she grinned and licked the blood off her face. Feeling a presence behind her, Lust extended her nails, striking them into Envy's abdomen.
He coughed up some blood, then resumed the fight. When Wrath aimed for her abdomen, he dived for her hand and grabbed the toy.
"YAY ENVY!" Wrath cheered.
Before the victory dance took place, Lust aimed her elbow to hit Envy in the back of his neck to make him faint. A small voice stopped everything.
"Why can't we be friends? Why do we have to fight and stab and repeatedly reform each other to get the things we want in life, when we could be doing this to other innocent people? Violence is not the answer, is not the answer."
The pudgy round one christened Gluttony stumbled in, the toy in his hand. "Unless you are asking, what are wars made up of?, then the answer is violence. What is this? It makes funny noises and has a song about eating. I like eating-"
"Gluttony…who did you eat last?" Envy asked.
"A poet. Why do you ask? To receive knowledge, of cou-"
Before he could finish, Gluttony was locked in a Lust Glomp.
"I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, SWEETIE!" She wiped away tears. "Eat more intellectuals, mmkay?"
"K, Lust. Oh, hi Greed. Have you considered the possibility of Pi?"
The Homunculus object of most fangirl affections now stood in the room. "Hi, Pudge. What are you all going on about now?"
"I was just considering that." Pudge replied. "They're debating this." He held out the toy for Greed to see.
"Oh, these things." He held it up to see it better through his hippie glasses. "They're Ipods. Some funky new toy those young kids came up with. It keeps your music in one convenient place so you can play it when everything else is-"
"NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!" Lust yelled, covering Gluttony's ears.
"S'okay, Lust. I still hear everthing."
Greed smiled avariciously. "I hear these things go for a lot of money."
"Now, now, Greed. We were planning on keeping it."
"Keeping it? What for?"
"Well, it is quite catchy."
"But…money…" Greed sniffled. "Eew, what's my expensive shoe that I stole in?"
"Now, now, Greed. That's offensive.," said the puddle of water. "People tell me that all day, and when I get home, I expect to be treated with respect, unlike that of commoners."
"MOMMY!" yelled Wrath. He forcefully pushed everyone aside and glomped his surrogate mother/Elric brother's transmuted thingamabobberdy.
"Hi sweetie! Where were you this morning for the past six hours."
"Hiking." he said.
"So he claims," Envy muttered.
"Yes, Envy?" Sloth asked.
"Nothing, nothing," Envy sulked.
"Mommy! I found an Ipod!" yelled Wrath. "And it has music on it, and Lust and Envy and I were fighting over it and Gluttony came in and said that there was a song about food on it and Envy said something about yaoi fantasies-"
"WRAAAATTTHHH! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD!"
"Then why did you tell us the thing about the headphones and Edward E-?" Envy slammed his hand over Wrath's mouth.
"Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup, you little bra-"
"What exactly, Envy, were you talking about in front of my adorable child?" Sloth asked menacingly, growing taller and taller.
"…eep."
"…and that's all you need to know about Yaoi!" Sloth laughed.
"Wow! I hope that someday, I can be part of the Young Academics on Ice!" Wrath said, poking what was left of Envy's body.
"Yeah, yeah, someday." Greed snickered into his fist.
"Oh, yeah!" Wrath showed Sloth the Ipod and she got the same explanation you just got back there.
"Oh…this isn't an Ipod…" muttered Sloth, playing with the toy.
"Then what is it?" Envy's dead not-even-a-corpse asked.
"It's an MP3 player-"
"The uglier cousin of the Ipod!" cheered a laughing Pride. (AN: Not the good looking one. ;( )
"Yes," replied Sloth, annoyed by Pride's presence.
It was then that Pride stepped in what was Envy. "Dear God, what happened to him?"
"YAOI did!" Wrath said.
Pride stared at Lust. "Lucky you."
A loud CRACK! resonated from the back of the room. A small girl in an Oriental shirt, strawberry blond hair, dark denim jeans, and a crazy look in her eye to boot burst down the door and pointed a finger at everyone in the room.
"AH-HA! THERE SHE IS!!!"
"WHAT?" shouted Sloth and Lust. "NOT ME, YOU!" they yelled at each other.
"Not either of you." the girl muttered. She walked up to Sloth and took the MP3 player from her palm and stared at it silently for a few seconds. And then…
"MI PRECIOSA!!! AI, MI PRECISOA, ¿COMO ESTA? ¿No quieres tu? Ai, ¿Estaba el medio de la gente a usted? (AN: Thank you, Babel Fish. I'm sorry, Cuban heritage!)
While this was going on, the homunculi stared at this odd child, wondering a.) Who she was. b.) How did she get into their house in the first place. c.) Was she another one of those Mary Sues and d.) If she were, would Envy eat her since Gluttony didn't like them?
It was Gluttony who broke the silence. "Uhm…"
The girl turned to the seven. "Oh, sorry. I should introduce myself. I'm Satu, and I dropped my MP3 player this morning in the woods. I thought I would never find it! Thank you!"
Before she could walk out the door, she felt a wet hand on her shoulder. "What makes you think you can take the player home?"
"Uh…since its mine and-"
"What makes you think yer even gonna leave?" Asked Lust, advancing her nails.
"…El casa de fuego..." muttered Satu. (AN: I never said that.)
"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAA!!!!"
Satu chewed on Sloth's arm, which repeatedly turned into water and back again, while reaching for the player in her other hand. Finally grabbing the player, she scrabbled out of Sloth's grasp and tried to make it for the door, until Gluttony got in her way.
"I think I can take him," she muttered to himself.
Gluttony stared stupidly, then leered hungrily, drool dripping from all his large teeth.
"…Later!" Looking around for an exit, she spotted a window and tried to make it until her clothes caught on Lust's nails.
"You're not going anywhere, girlie." she smirked.
"Aaahh…aaahh…" Satu pulled hard and her clothes got off.
"Darn! Rips and tears!" she muttered, looking at the damage. Another set of lance-like nails shot out at her. With an "eep!" she avoided them, but the attack kept coming. Lust was driving the girl into a corner when she had an idea. Satu backed into the wall and ducked at the last minute, causing Lust's nails to get stuck in the wall.
"Free-" she yelled, running for the window again, but not before she noticed Pride.
"Et tu, Bruti?"
Pride looked up from his cup of tea. "I don't want to get my swords dirty, and if I killed you, I would have to cover it up and do an 'investigation' on it." He sighed and sipped his tea again. "Besides, what I can't do, Greed can."
Greed held up his hands. "Sorry. Don't fight girls."
"Really, Greed, this whole…code of honor thing is very…bad for our image."
"Well, would it be any better for our image beating up someone obviously weaker than us?"
"…"
While this argument was carrying on, Lust was yanking her nails out of the wall and Envy was repairing himself from Sloth's attack, Satu took this opportunity to sneak out the window. She had one foot out the door when Sloth noticed her.
"Geniuses, she's escaping."
"I GOT HER!"
What happened was a mix of things:
1. Wrath and Gluttony raced to get to her first.
2. Envy finished fixing himself and joined the fight.
3. Satu jumped out the window.
However, three things can't happen at once, and when you start with a train wreck, you finish it. Wrath slammed his head into Gluttony's and bit his tongue and resumed to yelling and beating up the Fat One, Satu gave a Tarzan holler and jumped three stories, and Envy, watching her fall, fell out the window and followed her.
Edward chewed on the end of his eraser. "Her total so far is 42…"
"Here's one, Brother: Black hair as darkest ebony raven; eyes like the Uchiha clan, and Goth clothes."
"Give her a six."
The amazingly adorable Elric brothers were on Fanfiction dot Net, tallying up Mary Sue scores when a figure appeared in front of them.
"Hi Satu." Al greeted her.
"Hola Elric nietos, como?" she asked
"'Como' to you." responded Ed. "What did you do, get in a fight?"
"Well…ahahaha…there's a nice story to that, but its too late to tell you-"
The brothers stared at her like she deliberately said, "I'M HIDING SOMETHING."
"But before we tell you that…" Envy appeared from behind her shoulder, holding the MP3 player only fought over earlier. "…Would you mind putting these headphones on?"
This probably has to be my worst fic ever! I wanted to do an Envy Crack fic, like 'COFFEE' or 'The Palm Tree Within' (my favorite), but this just got too involved. woe Anyways, like I said earlier, I need reviews for Radio YAOI. You can ask for your favorite song, or just end up talking on the story. Its very cute! Read it! Make me feel better! And Beach House will be updated SOON, as in SO SOON YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT! Please don't hate me for the delay!
Lots of love, and happy whatever holiday you celebrate, and we hope Santa doesn't offend,
Satu of the Satu-Suzu.
The Third and a Half Wall is the Fanfiction wall that breaks when characters talk to the readers. There's a different wall for fanart, but Doujinshi uses either wall.
Saying 'Lust' goes against my morales, that and its tough to say Lust in a three kid family.
Remember, Satu's scared of Gluttony, who's by the door!
'Cause I won't sit back/and take this anymore/Cause I'm done with that/I've got one foot out the door' Can you guess the band?