He pushes me away.
It's my fault, I know, but I'm trying to help, even after everything I've done though I know I've told a lot of people that I don't care anymore, that I wouldn't care if he disappeared forever, but I do.
Ask me tomorrow, or next week, or hell, even next year, I'll say something different but tomorrow isn't now, next week isn't now and next year isn't now either, now is now, where I'm trying desperately to help when he tells me I'm the one that's destroyed him, where he's blaming me for the things that have happened and saying I incentivized it, whatever the hell that means.
He's blaming me for something I didn't do, blaming me for the things that have happened and saying I didn't have a brain and should have done something.
But I didn't.
And sometimes I get angry just thinking about it.
He should have done something if he hated it so much, because he's older and smarter and better than I am, all he needs is a push I've tried to give but I guess I'm too weak for it.
For him.
I ranted for nearly an hour, yelling at him, telling him to be better, because he can be but he can't see it and he's destroying me without knowing it.
So is this how he felt?
Broken and angry and tired?
Confused?
I'm starting to think he's so stupid he can be legally handicapped.
He's going back to what destroyed him in the first place.
I'm tired of yelling, tired of trying to help him when he thinks he's better off alone.
He's not.
His thoughts are dangerous, I'm wondering if they can hurt him more than anyone else.
He says his scars are deep, that he's numb and he can't be broken anymore but to that I say fuck it, because anything can be broken, snapped in half, broken into smaller pieces.
Anything can break.
I tell him to make friends, he says he makes friends but they leave him.
I tell him that just a few bad people don't make up the whole world, he doesn't listen.
It's like talking to a brick wall, frustrating to the point of tears and my hands shake but I keep them firmly rooted at my sides, so he doesn't know how much this is breaking me when I told him, once, that nothing could break me.
When I thanked him for breaking me so no one else could.
What a hypocrite I am.
Telling him to make friends when I've left him, time and time again, when I always will.
Telling him that anyone can break when just a few days before I told him no one could break me, because he did.
When I made it out on my own, thinking that he won't.
He says I feel bad for all that I've done when I didn't even care that I left him, that he'd be gone for so long.
Sometimes I feel like he's making me pity him, like he's doing it on purpose because how can one persons life be so sad? So horrible?
Sometimes I believe it when others tell me he's lying, that I'm such easy, docile prey and he's such a conquering predator.
Sometimes I tell them what he says so I can laugh too, at my own stupidity for believing it, when they make fun of him, I don't laugh.
But then I'm left alone, with my thoughts of him, where no one can distract me from what is really there.
From what I really believe.
It's quite conflicting, one voice tells me yes, he's sweet and kind and innocent and he doesn't deserve the wounds I've inflicted upon him, wounds from words.
The other tells me no, because there, he is lying, he's bad news, a bad person just out to get me because he has nothing better to do, easy docile prey and a conquering predator.
Sometimes I believe it.
Sometimes I hate myself for doing so, because when he talks to me, I believe the former, not the latter.
I can never think clearly.
I go in with one intention, I come out believing it not to be so, that he is better than what I've been trying to say he is.
I leave him and then I go back, over, and over this pattern goes.
And finally, I try to help him, and he doesn't want the help.
It's about time, a part of me smirks.
Come back, I'm sorry, the other weeps.
I told him it was because I had no one else, that I came back to him, because of it.
Because the day before, I laughed with my friends, the day before, I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
I hadn't had such company in so, so long.
He was the only company I kept, for so long.
And that is more dangerous, I am sure, than his own thoughts.
Because today, I realized I had friends.
I didn't know it before.
But there was a boy who stopped and nearly fell a lot of times, just to say hello to me, who waited for me to say bye because people always leave before I can say my farewell, who waited so I could say it before he left.
Because there is another boy I tell all my problems to, I tell him the truth and he doesn't like him, he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me, I told him to make me laugh, he told such horrible puns I told him if he said it to the public they'd murder him, mutilate him savagely until he isn't recognizable. He merely laughed, I did too.
There are a lot of people I have, that I didn't recognize before.
One was a horrible liar, and he especially hated him, but he was kind, and told me about things and lied and said that he was appearing a lot lately, saying he thought he possessed some girl he had once been in love with, but quickly adding that he didn't care about her, anymore, he lies quite terribly, I told him to at least make the effort, I imagine his face burned with embarrassment before I turned the corner.
A lot of people, sometimes I blame him for making me think they weren't enough, making me drop them.
But my actions are my own, and I will not blame him as he has done to me.
Because maybe I really am a hypocrite, but at least I have something in between my ears that isn't the size of a walnut.
I haven't spoken to him yet.
I barely tried helping him for an hour, people don't change overnight, though I've been telling him for nearly two years to make friends, he never listens, or he does, but makes bad ones and then gives up altogether, a few bad people don't make up the whole world.
So maybe I'll wake up in the morning, feeling better, happier, spirits higher than now, maybe I'll try again, tomorrow.
But, I'm tired already, and I haven't even begun.
`.`.`.`.`.`.`
Something that just, well, I'll admit it's kind of maybe based off of something that just happened, anyways, I guess anyone can be imagined to be the he in this scenario but I guess Sasuke could work, I kinda imagined him in it for a second.
Also to, Laialot Siedenumi, (if you're reading this at all) sorry if they're all a bit sad, I'll definitely try to make a fluff/funny one, but no promises xD