From the moment he first punched John Harrison, James Kirk feared what was coming. The way the taller man didn't even react to the hits that were breaking the bones in his hand sparked a terrifying flash of recognition in the captain. When Bones found a man frozen in a missile, Kirk prayed to a god that he had never really believed in, that the man was who he feared. Still frozen solid, not standing amongst them. Harrison claimed responsibility for replacing weapons with men twice as dangerous and Kirk couldn't help but look at Spock, look for confirmation that the Vulcan was still that weren't his crashed together in his mind, his own voice screaming, a stoic woman he'd never met with a tear rolling down her cheek, a hand falling from glass as Harrison revealed his identity. Kirk tried to keep the memory of Chekov's screams at bay, as he desperately remembered this was a different time, they were different people, things could change.
Carol Markus is not the mother of my son
Christine Chapel is not on board the USS Enterprise
Vulcan was destroyed
My Father died
Spock has not been killed by Khan Noonien Singh
Ever since the mind meld with the Older Spock, Kirk had been trying to align two different timelines in his head. People he had never met, T'pring's smirk, words he'd never said "I'm from Iowa, I only work in outer space" , events that hadn't taken place, things he could prevent from ever happening. And maybe he'd let them influence him, maybe he'd delayed signing Nurse Chapel's transfer orders knowing who she was, would be, to their crew, maybe he'd voted against adding a white collar their uniforms, knowing what he'd seen himself wearing through Spock's eyes, and yes maybe that was a bit petty. But the mind meld was more than images, he'd felt Spock die and he'd felt him come back, felt Spock's confusion, felt his own through Spock's memories.
Then Kirk was throwing himself into space with Khan by his side. By his side. In the past they'd made the mistake of trusting Khan, he wouldn't do that again, telling Scotty to take him down the second it was possible.
And then the ship was crashing and Kirk could barely keep two lifetimes separate, events that hadn't happened to him, events that were only just happening, the ship's power failing and Spock. Spock dying. Radiation soaking through him trapped in a tiny chamber. And Kirk knew what he had to do, what he had to stop. He knew everything Spock had felt as he died, how many emotions a Vulcan could feel, how deep they ran and the last thoughts of a dying man.
He would not let Spock, his Spock go through that.
Carol Markus is not the mother of my son
Christine Chapel is not on board the USS Enterprise
Vulcan was destroyed
My Father died
Spock has not been killed by Khan Noonien Singh
This wasn't Spock Prime's universe, this was his, Nero had changed everything and now Kirk would do the same. Spock would not give his life for the crew of the Enterprise, for Jim, not this time. He hadn't hesitated in knocking Scotty out and restraining him, hadn't paused running into the reactor, feeling first hand what Spock had felt all those years ago and yet at the same time.
Carol Markus is not the mother of my son
Christine Chapel is not on board the USS Enterprise
Vulcan was destroyed
My Father died
Spock has not been killed by Khan Noonien Singh
He could see Scotty waking up and the horror that filled his tired eyes, he dragged himself towards the glass door, and then Spock was there. "Open it" Spock's voice was rougher than ever before and Kirk could hear the pain in Scotty's answer. He
Kirk could see himself running into that same room, the panic evident on both Spock's face and the memory of his own. He turned around, blinking back images that didn't belong to him, and when he opened his eyes again, Spock was there, crouching by the door, young and unharmed.
"The ship?" he breathed out. Had he failed where Spock had succeeded, had he not been enough to save the Enterprise.
"Out of danger" Kirk let out a shaking breath. "You saved the crew" Even without his touch telepathy Spock knew what was going through his mind and Kirk cursed how little time they'd had together.
"You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move" Spock had to protect the Enterprise, he had to do what Kirk couldn't do anymore.
"It is what you would have done"
"And this is what you would have done" And I couldn't let that happen. Kirk's mind added. "It was only logical" He couldn't stop the past bleeding in, he could hear Spock's dying words, he could feel the death that had taken the Vulcan and he could feel the one taking him now "I'm scared Spock, help me not be" tell me there's a way out. You knew about the Genesis planet, you knew about Bones, even dying you had hope. Where's my hope? "How do you chose not to feel?"
"I do not know. Right now I am failing" Kirk closed his eyes again, he'd felt Spock's devastation before, he did not want it again. He knew what the thought of Spock dying filled him with and he knew how deep their connection could run, in a universe where they both lived.
"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die" I need to tell you what you mean to me, why a universe without you isn't something I could handle, why I did this to save you. "Why I went back for you"
"Because you are my friend" "I am and always will be your friend" He was crying now, and Jim couldn't bring himself to contradict him to use his last bit of energy to save the words that would make it clear, t'hy'la, the word burned in his mind.
He broke eye contact and reached out desperately, he wanted to make it clear, he had to, Spock had to know. His finger's slipped against the glass as he mimicked the Vulcan greeting, he tried to speak.
Carol Markus is not the mother of my son
Christine Chapel is not on board the USS Enterprise
Vulcan was destroyed
My Father died
Spock will not be killed by Khan Noonien Singh
There is no Genesis planet
My consciousness cannot live in Bones's mind
James Tiberius Kirk died with his eyes on Spock and the Vulcan's voice ringing in his ears "A captain cannot cheat death"