Level Eight of Tetris
A Psycho Pass Story.
Summary: Life to Kagari was just another game of Tetris—and he was cheated every time. Being by himself reveals all his pent up feelings about life; and shows how truly alone he feels. However, things change when Masaoka unexpectantly shows up and sits things straight.
Warnings: Rated T for major anime spoilers, language, and death. Don't like, don't read.
I had left a window of Tetris open on my computer.
A couple of keystrokes had landed me on some old Soviet website, which lead to the discovery of this beautiful game. My high score was 99 lines; I almost made it to a 100, until Tsunemori bumped into my desk and a miscalculation sent my last piece over the line limit. I always liked the different colors and shapes; the objective of clearing lines. It was simple and understandable, unlike a lot of things around me.
Heh. When I left it, I was at 72 lines, level 8. Level 8 was a bitch. With every so many lines cleared, the difficulty ups until the pieces fall at a rapid rate. I've never gotten close to my record again, which resided on level 10, because level 8 would always bitch slap me in the face. I had a good feeling about that game.
Too bad I wouldn't be able to complete it.
Don't get me wrong; the moment the mission would be over, I would march back to continue where I left off. Hell, I will admit I played the game instead of doing reports when I should. It was addicting. I always had two screens up, one work and one Tetris to switch in between when Ginoza got up.
There's not a doubt that I wouldn't have left that game unfinished, even if it was three o'clock in the morning. You always play a game until the end.
Except, you really can't when you are dead.
It's funny, how I'm worried about that. What about all that shit that's about to go down with Sibyl? It doesn't matter anymore, because I'm not a part of it. I'm dead and I can't magically appear to tell them all the secrets. Death and level 8 are the same in that sense; they are both douches.
To be honest, I think I've been hanging around Tsunemori too much to get philosophical but… Tetris kinda reminds me of me. Yeah I know it's weird but hear me out. The point of the game is to stack up large columns of obstacles in hopes that you will clear out a section at a time. It's like solving a case. You must start organizing the obstacles so you can ultimately win the game. This whole death thing, is the level 8 you can never beat.
Honestly, look at my life. I'm relating to video games for God's sake.
That's what happens when you're all alone.
It's white everywhere. Not that shitty, warm and welcoming white where some big man with a beard steps out to welcome you to heaven. That never happened to me, unless I went down instead of up; but it isn't hot here. (Except my presence of course.) It's just an unceasing sheet of white, not too bright or too dull. I've been crouched down on it for a while, waiting. All of me is still intact, although I'm pretty sure there isn't much of a corpse to find.
You know, it sucks being alone. Heh, it's almost depressing when you think about it. I should have listened to Ko. But who plans on dying? I didn't; I wasn't ready for that game over.
"God… listen to yourself. You're depressing."
I stretch back, resting on my butt when my legs begin to cramp. The afterlife is oddly empty, considering how many people that bastard Makishima has killed recently. I look left and right and still not a soul emerges. Just what is this anyway?
"Well this is cliché."
My voice doesn't carry. There are no walls in the immediate area. But then how is it so white? Is it that witch craft or what? I wonder if I died with some kind of gaming console, would I spawn with it to ease my boredom? Too bad I don't get to check that out; but unfortunately, you only get one life. No replays.
I lay back, extending my arms on either side of me.
I wonder what the others are up to. I wonder if Ko caught Makishima—because they don't exactly have news broadcasts when you're dead. I hum lightly and close my eyes; were the riots over? Or was the whole place taken over? Did anyone make it to the basement? I don't particularly care if anyone knows what happened to me. There was something bigger going on where I died anyway.
Softly, I grind my teeth.
Here we go again.
I'm not about having a pity party. But sometimes that depression is a bitch and doesn't care what you think and comes anyway. Lying there in the white space with no one but myself, you can't help but get yourself thinking that this too was a representation of something bigger. Probably about how I felt alone all my life—no. that was wrong. I wasn't always alone. But when I wasn't, it got stripped away from me.
Yeah I know I had my friends. Pretty damn lucky to have them too. It's just not the same. I can only complain, not confide; only joke, and not cry. It's not very often I tell people when I got flagged by the scanners, because it feels a little personal.
Maybe that why I like video games. I can enjoy them, no strings attached. All my life I've been nothing but monitored. Any small favor asked requires a payment in return. Everyone and everything had an alter motive. Bribing me with games? Expect me to take medicine. A little praise? Forced to remain quiet for the rest of the day.
Okay, I'm off that soap box. Like I said, I don't like to get personal; that's a little too deep for me.
"Ughhhhhhh….. Bored…."
You would think in heaven they would have some screen of updates. Like 'hey your friend just got owned' or something. Nope. Zip. Nada. Zilch. There isn't even a little robot going around telling you anything. How lame is that?
I'm worried. I don't like admitting it but I am. I mean it's a psychopath we are talking about. Could they handle it, or did something worse happen…? Ah, who am I kidding? They are a lot stronger than me. They wouldn't just die…
"….Right?"
The white doesn't answer, but I have a feeling I know already.
"Hey man you are really sucking at this whole death experience thing. Can't you at least get me Tetris or something?" I want to beat this level, but you can't. You're stuck.
Damn…
I'm so used to people talking around me. It feels like I'm back there. I grip my hair in my hands. No, I don't want it to be like that room—but it's white, just like it had been. Great. Did I die and my hell ended up being that psych ward? Just my luck. I had to go and die…
All this… I've been treating it like a video game—except it's not. Maybe I should have turned around when I was shot the first time with the nail gun. Maybe I should have stopped after I was shot the second or the third time. I wasn't careful and here I am now.
Just my damnest luck indeed.
"So what now?" Hearing a voice was soothing, even though it is my own. I pull myself up, looking around for any response. "You're just going to leave me like this?" Alone, like I've always been. Without a soul to talk to, to cry with, to laugh with. That's a bit of cruel and unusual punishment, even for a latent criminal right?
I bet Sibyl doesn't think the same. You know, I bet they set this all up; that this is a simulation of death. I groan. "Greattttt…."
What will Ko say, if he finds out I'm dead? Heh. They probably won't. I bet everything on someone's going to say I ran away. I'm not going to get any of those formalities like a funeral, or a proper dedication. They are going to erase my hard drive, replace me, and close the Tetris window for good. Because dogs are replaceable, especially the bad ones that run away.
Doesn't that make me feel all sunshiny and happy.
About now, I would attempt to crack a joke; but what's the point? It's just me, myself, and I. I don't have to pretend to laugh and hide what I really feel. No one will see. No one will hear.
"I just wanted someone to care." What, is the white my councilor now? I settle back down, staring far above my head. "But I didn't get it. I barely remember before I was five anyway." I frown a little. "I mean, there for a while I was just a 'patient'. Then I became a 'dog'. No one really cared in either case…"
I was just a method for the inspectors. I know Tsunemori would say otherwise, but I was. And the other enforcers? They hated me. Kunizuka hit me every time I opened my big mouth. Ko wouldn't even look my way half the time. Masaoka would just lecture me, like his son, about my work ethic or something stupid.
No, they didn't care.
You know, you start to feel something bitter when you realize you are all alone in this world. You want to throw it up, but you know if you do it won't go away. I'm unwanted, always have been. I'm that dust bunny someone will sweep under the rug because they don't want to deal with me. That makes me feel fantastic.
But who is going to know? News flash Kagari, you're dead.
"Dead and alone."
I was above crying. I didn't need to cry to know I was upset. All because of what, I didn't finish a Tetris game? No. It goes deeper than that. I'm upset that they will eventually close that window, effectively erasing the last bit of me from their lives. I know I never meant anything, but it still hurts. At one point I did think they cared, before I wised up and learned better.
But… I don't want to disappear… I don't want to stop existing. I don't want my game over to be the end of my memory.
Who is going to remember a latent criminal anyway? Not even God does apparently, because I'm stuck in this angelic hole. That by itself struck a deep chord within me. All those emotions I had stacked up and arranged, unable to clear then from my life, begin to feel like a 100 pound weight on my chest, and my exhale escapes in a wheeze.
"Just my luck that I get this hell…" It was worse than brimstone and fire—because I was left with my mind to contemplate all the things I never gave myself time to think about.
"Looks like I really am going to go crazy. But who's going to care right?" I squeeze my eyes shut.
"I will."
My body ricochets up so fast when I receive a response that I almost nail my forehead into his knees. Finally, God took his sweet ass time! I look up, my mouth open with questions, before I freeze. Did God look like an old man with a cyborg arm? Shit… Masaoka.
"What… are you doing?"
He frowns down at me. I know what he was probably thinking. 'Oh great I get to spend my eternity with this guy'. My eyes widen. Wait.
"Don't tell me you're dead."
I get a small smile in return, and quietly I swallow.
"I guess this old ticker just stopped ticking." Masaoka says, giving his chest a tap.
I couldn't imagine what else could have happened if the old man was dead. I look past his knees, but see no one else. Maybe it could take them a long time too.
"The others haven't died yet, if that's what you're wandering."
I raise an eyebrow. "And how do you know if they haven't?"
He chuckles. "I was making my way when I was told. Have you been sitting here the entire time?"
"Well yeah of course. Haven't you?"
He shakes his head. He looks exactly as I remembered except something different has settled in his eyes…. Peace. "No. I'm on my way up. I'm being guided."
The entirety of my stay was spent absolutely alone, so I was just a tad bit jealous that Masaoka was getting preferential treatment. Told you. They basically matter more.
"I haven't seen anything but you." Slowly, I get up, trying not to bash my head in to his legs again. It was hard to believe he was dead, but then again it wasn't. I don't know. Maybe level 8 was a bitch to more than just me.
My reflexes find me catching his hand before he can rest it on my shoulder. He smiles softly, but I'm still a little wary of his intentions.
"Kagari… You can't move on. You got somethin' holding you back. That's why you've been alone."
"Oh, and you're suddenly the heaven expert?"
He shakes his head again. "I've just been told these things. What's bugging you?"
Everything. Nothing. Little things. Big things.
"Tetris."
I didn't look at him, but I could feel the confusion radiating off of him. I was almost mentally prepared for Kunizuka to smack me in the back of the head, before I was reminded that she wasn't dead and wouldn't be doing that.
"Honestly you youngsters and technology… You can't pass on… because of that stupid game..?"
I felt like I was being scowled as a child. Except, I never got a childhood and didn't really know what that felt like.
"It's more than a stupid game. It's everything."
Now that really caught him off guard. But with Masaoka here with me, I feel those columns of my fears and needs beginning to topple. I can't clear them fast enough to stop it. Dammit level 8.
"Kagari…"
"I've always meant next to nothing." I turn away. What was I saying anymore? "First a patient, then a dog. Never a kid, never a teenager, never a human. I could never cry because someone was watching. I could never talk because someone would report it. It's so ridiculous, but that game is my life. A representation of it. I couldn't beat that fucking game, and now I can't beat death."
My fingers were itching for just one more game. Not just Tetris, but life in general. I don't want to be stuck with a game over screen flashing at me, mocking me, when I never truly got to enjoy the life I was suppositively given.
"Listen Kagari…"
I didn't want to hear the lecture, the words of wisdom I couldn't understand. Didn't he get that I just wanted a redo?
"You can't regret things. I know it's bad, but that's what's tying you down. You can experience better things if you just let it go…"
"I was cheated." I shove that hand away, the hand that got to have a childhood, who got to go to school and decide his career, the hand that married and had a child. I got none of that and never would.
All because it was game over for me.
"I agree. You were cheated. But you got to let it go."
I couldn't. It wasn't fair. It was like playing a game with cheats on. What's the point of trying, when everything just worked elegantly? It was Sibyl's perfect system. It didn't matter how much damage the cheats inflicted on me. It worked. That's all that matters.
"Why do you care…?"
The fatherly lecture side is gone. I don't know what replaced it. "Kagari." Before I can stop, both hands are on my shoulders, and I couldn't escape. "We all care. We've always cared. You never opened up… but we were there for you."
"You were just passing me along—"
"We were waiting on you. We didn't want to pry." Masaoka sighs a little. "Perhaps we should have, but we didn't want to do that to you. Seeing you here… God it makes me regret many things. There for a little while, I had myself convinced that you had run away. You'll have to forgive me for that."
Forgive… him? Why? He didn't really do anything wrong…
…but does that show that he really cares? I don't know.
"I don't want you stuck here for eternity. Kagari, just forget about all that and live a new life that you can control."
I grit my teeth tighter. "How can I just forget… all that?"
The smile is there again, and it almost makes me flinch. How can he smile at a time like this? Oh yeah. I always did, so I could blow things off and not think about them.
"That's okay. I'll stay here while you work it out. I won't leave."
Slowly, I look up at his eyes. "Why…?"
He gives my shoulders a firm pat. "Because I care. And besides, I'm going to need a lot of good jokes to keep me entertained Kagari."
Level 8 was impossible. I couldn't get passed it, would always let those obstacles cross the line inside myself that has been violated too many times. But maybe it wasn't as big of a bitch when I wasn't alone.
"But…"
"Don't think you can run this old man off. I'm not going anywhere."
And I wouldn't be going anywhere either, from the memories of those I came in contact with. I realize now it really was kind of childish to compare my life to Tetris. They may close the window, but why do I assume that will be the end of me? Ko will remember. Tsunemori will remember. Hell, I even bet Kunizuka will. I just couldn't see it. But with Masaoka, I could see things a little clearer now, and my vision was getting better every day. I mattered none at first; but when I met this group of inspectors and enforcers, something changed. Something changed for the better.
When I died, I left a game of Tetris paused on my computer. My high score was 99. When I finally cleared the final obstacle stopping me in death, I could visit that place one more time.
The new high score was 100.
Level 8 can't beat me anymore.
Psycho Pass is such a great anime, even though I lost my two favorite characters.
-Soul Spirit-