Title: Soul Searching

Author: tommygirl828 (at) gmail (dot) com

A/N: written for the Veronica Mars Ficathon. Set after season one finale with mention of the killer so yeah, you're warned. Beta'd by the wubulous ladybug218! per usual, crossposted to my website and my livejournal. Feedback always appreciated.

"If this is what love feels like, I'd much prefer to go back to loathing," Veronica stated without preamble.

She glanced in Wallace's general direction and focused back on the television screen. The two of them had been sitting in silence for most of the evening, pretending to be caught up in some made-for-television movie and ignoring the icky question of "what are our parents doing on their date?" There was small talk earlier in the evening – how are ya doin', do you have a death wish, pizza or Chinese? – but, for the past hour or so, neither Veronica nor Wallace had said much of anything. Neither of them mentioned Lilly Kane or how Veronica had gone a few rounds with the psychotic action star, Aaron Echolls, after she found out that he had killed Lilly.

What else was there to talk about, really? That pretty much summed up her last few days aside from making sure her dad got home from the hospital and avoiding both the paparazzi and everyone she knew (specifically two boys whose first names ended in –an).

Wallace turned the television off and stared at Veronica. She knew he was probably caught off guard by this moment of sharing on her part, but she was sick of pretending she didn't care – about Logan, about Duncan, about the whole mess she was caught up in.

"Who are we talking about?" Wallace asked.

Veronica smiled and patted his cheek. She forced a high squeal to her voice and said, "Ohmigod! Wallace, I totally love you." She rolled her eyes and said, "But alas, I'm only attracted to the brooding rich boys of Neptune."

"Which one this time?"

"Why, Wallace, you make me sound like a trollop." Veronica countered. She leaned back in the chair and wondered what possessed her to open up this can of worms. She shut her eyes, striving for some sort of clarity, and responded, "I don't know. Both, I guess. It's complicated. First, there's Duncan, who broke up with me because he thought we were related—"

"As good as any reason to break things off."

Veronica shot him a pointed glare and went on, "Are you going to let me unload on you or not?"

When Wallace nodded, Veronica continued, "I loved Duncan for a really long time, but…"

"But now there's Logan?"

"Yes, Logan…the son of the jackass who killed Lilly, locked me in a refrigerator and set it on fire, and put my father in the hospital."

"Not to sound like president of the Logan Echolls' fanclub, but those were all things that Aaron did, not Logan."

Veronica sighed as her reply. She knew that Wallace was right, but it was easier to allow the reason for all her problems with Logan to fall on the recently discovered mystery of who killed Lilly. If she did that, she didn't have to think about how she turned Logan into the cops without even talking to him or the scene between them on the beach. She wouldn't have to focus on the hurt on his face or the anger or the way she once again couldn't allow herself to trust him…that was her fault. He wasn't perfect, but he seemed to trust her at least.

Veronica forced out, "Maybe, but let's not forget that Logan's made many months a living hell for me. Remember the crowbar to my car?"

"I wasn't the one locking lips with the culprit."

Veronica hit Wallace again and said, "Dammit, I had hoped you forgot about that."

"And you still like him."

"Yes…no…I'm not…" Veronica stumbled for the words. She never did very well when her emotions were involved. It tended to lead to problems more than anything. She fiddled with a loose thread on the sofa, refusing to let Wallace see her façade break with each passing second, and finally managed, "There is definitely lust there…"

"Ew."

Veronica hit him. "Thanks a lot."

"At the top of the list of things I don't need to know about the women in my life, that is second."

Her curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, "What's first?"

"My mother, your father, and the things they do together."

Veronica's face contorted in disgust. "Let's not go there."

"My thoughts exactly."

"Can we get back to me now?" Veronica asked. Now that she had begun this conversation, the rest of it wanted to come pouring out. She knew that she couldn't be trusted to make any decisions on her own. She might be a great private investigator and pretty good at reading people, but that all fell away when it came to Logan. Hell, even Duncan sometimes.

When Wallace didn't say anything, Veronica said, "Logan didn't even waiver at introducing me as his girlfriend at the party. He let me see a different side to him than the angry jackass that roams the school, and, while extremely girly, I have to admit that I was flattered."

"So?" Wallace prompted

"There is something there, I'll admit it, but it could be nothing more than temporary insanity on both our parts. I mean, can you picture me and Logan as a permanent couple? Walking down the hall and holding hands and…"

"Making out in bathrooms," Wallace finished with a smirk. He met her annoyed gaze and added, "What if it's not temporary insanity? And isn't all love technically insane – because the way our parents behave sure makes it seem that way."

"True, very true," Veronica replied.

"You forced me to run interference for the two of you for a few days there, and he didn't look like he was crazy, well, any crazier than usual."

Veronica waved him off and said, "I like to deal in black and white, fact or fiction type answers, and Logan doesn't fit into those categories. It's pretty damn annoying. My head keeps telling me that after everything that's gone down the past few days and even long before, he and I would be a huge mistake, but then…"

"You miss him?"

"Maybe," she responded grudgingly.

"You really are a marshmallow."

"That helps a whole lot."

"So does this mean I'll be playing third wheel to you and Logan from now on?"

"Have you been listening to me? I'm having a crisis. Duncan came to the hospital and basically made his intentions known, kept going on about how great we were together. And he was right, we were, but things are different now. I'm different now."

"And you like Logan," Wallace said in a sing-song voice that made it hard for Veronica to resist hitting him yet again.

Instead she punched the couch and said, "Maybe."

"There's only one way to figure it out and it's not by staying cooped up in your bedroom watching bad kung-fu movies."

"Blasphemy. There is no such thing as a bad kung-fu movie."

Wallace rolled his eyes and said, "You're going to have to deal with the both of them." He chuckled and, when he met her inquisitive gaze, he shrugged. "I find it amusing that the girl who's rarely afraid of anything can't face two high school guys."

"I can too. I just choose not to."

"Chicken."

"Are you trying to bait me, Wallace?"

"Scaredy-cat."

Veronica crossed her arms and replied, "Do you think I'll be persuaded by that?"

It was becoming old habit for Veronica to stand outside the Kane house waiting to talk to Duncan. It reminded her of a different time, when she spent most of her time with Duncan and Lilly rather than at her own place. Things had seemed perfect back then, but now Lilly was dead, Duncan was her ex, and she wasn't that naïve pep squad girl of the past.

She blamed this visit entirely on Wallace. He had kept pestering her for the remainder of the evening until she finally gave in and agreed to deal with Duncan and Logan. It seemed wisest (and easiest) to deal with Duncan first, especially since she had no idea how to approach anything with Logan.

Thankfully, it was Duncan who answered the door. Veronica wasn't ready to face his parents or deal with the resentment she maintained for their part in keeping Lilly's killer out of jail. She wasn't sure she could ever forgive that, whatever their motivation was.

Duncan smiled at her and said, "Hey."

"Hi."

"How are you doing? How's your dad?" Duncan asked as he motioned for to come in. When she hesitated, he added, "My parents are at their lawyer's office. It seems they have some explaining to do to the local law enforcement."

"Yeah," she replied. She stepped into the foyer and followed Duncan into the living room. She sat down across from him, trying to hide the discomfort she was feeling. It was strange how much could change in over a year. She never used to think it would be possible to have awkward silences with Duncan. Then again, she never really pictured a Hollywood A-Lister as a murdering lunatic either.

When Duncan smiled at her, she blurted out, "I've thought about what you said to me the other day."

"Okay…"

"You're dating Meg now, Duncan, and she's my friend, one of the few people who remained friendly with me after Lilly's death. She really likes you and I thought you liked her," Veronica said. She stopped to study the expression on Duncan's face – the usual stoic gaze of the past year or so – and went on, "Plus, things are a mess right now. Your family, my family…the whole big revelation about our parentage and the likes…I don't think this is the best time for the Duncan and Veronica reunion tour."

"And you're with Logan," Duncan said without emotion.

Veronica momentarily wondered if she was going to throw up all over the table that separated her from Duncan. She didn't want to hurt Duncan, even after the way he cut her out of his life without an explanation when they broke up. She still loved him, pretty sure that she always would, but so much had happened in their lives. She sighed and said, "I'm not with Logan right now. I'm here because you asked me a question at the hospital and, after everything we've been through, I wanted to try to be honest with you. Logan and I…it's complicated. He made me feel special and cared for me when I thought there was nobody else. I owe him an apology for a few things that occurred between us and—"

"Do you love him?"

Veronica forced herself to look at Duncan. She owed him that much. She answered, "I don't know. I care about him."

"Right."

"I care about you too, Duncan, and you're Logan's best friend, and he cares about you. And he was Lilly's boyfriend. And his father killed her. Do you see how everything is a mess? How getting back together now would end in disaster just like everything else?"

Duncan's face remained neutral as he replied, "So, what now? Are Meg and I supposed to double date with you and Logan?"

Veronica grimaced and said, "That would be a little too weird no matter what happens with me and Logan."

Duncan nodded and said, "Yeah."

"But I'd like us to be friends – see how that goes. Maybe we can stop avoiding each other in the halls all the time now."

Duncan's face remained unreadable, so all Veronica could do was hope that things between them wouldn't be weird, or weirder than they had been since Lilly's death. It wasn't as though she was silly enough to believe that they would hang out on Friday nights watching bad kung-fu movies (that was her thing with Wallace anyway) or go shopping for the perfect outfit. She just wanted less…something - hostility? Awkwardness? Sadness? Whatever it was, she wanted less of it.

Duncan stood up and it struck Veronica how little she knew him anymore. There used to be a time when she would've known what he was thinking without having to ask. She would know when to hug him and when to leave him alone. Now, it only served to remind her how far apart they had grown.

She followed his lead and allowed him to walk her to the door. He turned to face her and said, "My father is fond of saying things like 'if it's meant to be, Duncan.' I guess I can give it a try for once."

Veronica smiled. She wanted to ask him if he believed that, that the two of them were meant to be, but her brain scoffed at the idea. Instead, she said, "Thanks Duncan."

"Are you coming back to school next week?"

"Yeah. I bet the school throws me a welcome back party. You?"

Duncan nodded. He placed his hand on the door and said, "I'll see you there, Veronica."

Veronica smiled and offered a weak, "Goodbye." She turned around to leave, moving slowly and trying to process exactly what happened. She had no idea if it went well or not, but at least, there was no crying or hollering. That was good, right? She fumbled for her keys and hopped into her father's car.

Veronica decided to take the long way home. It would give her time to think about things. She had told Wallace she would deal with both Duncan and Logan, but it wasn't happening. Truth be told, she wasn't ready to face Logan. They had so much to talk about, so many things between them, and she didn't possess the right words. Sarcasm and anger and guilt, sure, but truth and emotion were lost on her at the moment.

She knew what she had to say: I'm sorry for thinking the worst of you. I should've asked you about it rather than going to the police.

But she had a feeling it would come out more like: Why didn't you tell the truth awhile ago, dumbass?

So yeah. Best to avoid Logan a bit longer.

Unfortunately, per usual, her desires rarely matched real life. As she pulled into the parking lot, she noticed his silhouette against the backdrop of the afternoon sun. She groaned into the steering wheel and put the car in park, forcing herself to ignore the way her heart was beating a mile a minute. She could do this. She could. She was Veronica Mars, the girl who didn't give a crap what anyone thought of her. When had that changed? Why were her hands shaking?

Damn Logan Echolls.

"If it isn't Neptune's answer to Nancy Drew," Logan commented when he saw her. He pushed his sunglasses up, revealing the outline of a bruise around his left eye, and smirked in her direction.

Veronica rolled her eyes. She folded her arms across her chest protectively and replied, "Yes, well, chances were you would bump into me if you camped out in front of my door, proving that sometimes even you are clever, Logan."

He stood himself up, brushing the dirt off his hands on his pants, and leaned over her. She could feel his breath on the back of her neck and it sent a jolt of energy down her spine. It took all of her will power to focus on the damn door and push her way inside without jumping him. That wouldn't solve anything…though, it would feel good.

She motioned for him to follow her inside and said, "I was visiting Duncan."

"Figured."

"And why's that?"

Logan shrugged. He plopped down on the sofa and said, "Word is that Duncan's hoping to rekindle the spark and Lord knows you've spent many nights pining for your lost love."

Veronica glared at him. She said, "You're such an ass. Why can't you ask me the question?"

Logan shrugged again, but this time his expression changed for a moment – a softer, gentler Logan blinked up at her for a second before disappearing behind the anger. He responded, "I don't know, Veronica. Why couldn't you?"

Veronica pulled in as much oxygen as she could muster and let it out slowly. She said, "I didn't want to believe you did it, Logan, but you weren't exactly honest with me. You weren't in Mexico when Lilly was killed. You were here, in Neptune, and god knows you were pissed off at her."

"And that would automatically mean I killed her? Of course. Makes perfect sense."

Veronica kicked his legs off her table and sat down in front of him. She stared at him until he met her gaze and then asked, "Well, why didn't you tell me about coming back early or going to see Lilly? You knew that was I investigating Lilly's murder. Why not tell me the truth?"

"Because I didn't think you'd believe me. Shocking to find out I was right."

"You didn't give me that chance. Maybe I didn't handle it the right way, but I couldn't take any chances. I owed Lilly more than that."

Logan sighed. He said, "Fine."

Veronica smiled weakly. She knew things were hardly "fine," but this was a vast improvement over drunken Logan and the anger that had surged around them on the beach that day. She nudged his leg and asked, "What happened to your eye?"

"Never play around on a bridge, or with members of a biker gang."

"A lesson we all should learn."

"Yes, turns out, it wasn't one of my brightest moments."

"I've had a few of those recently. I think it was the full moon or something," Veronica replied. She forced a casual tone to her voice, the type from before she and Logan began whatever this twisted thing was.

The energy coursed through her again as Logan reached for her hand and rubbed his thumb across the top of it. He said, "I kept telling myself that I should stay away after everything my father…I wanted to make sure you were okay, that the bastard hadn't damaged you beyond repair."

Veronica tensed against the bad memories, but she wasn't as scared with Logan there. She didn't want to think about what that meant for her (how far gone had a few kisses sent her?), but it was comforting to have someone around for her. She shrugged and said, "I wouldn't give the man the satisfaction."

"I wanted to kill him. He was lucky there were police around because I think I would've done it too."

"Yeah, you're not the only one," Veronica muttered, her hand instinctively traveling to the cut on her head. She forced her voice to sound stronger, more palpable, and went on, "But again, he's not worth it. He's going to suffer for what he did to Lilly." She squeezed his hand and asked, "Do you think it would be okay to change the topic for a while?" Off the look on Logan's face, she said, "I know we have to deal with it if you and I are going to…why are you here again?"

Logan smiled and said, "Are you propositioning me, Veronica?"

Veronica rolled her eyes, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you like me."

"I think you took a nasty fall."

"What do you want from me?"

"To be my friend, to be someone I can count on," she paused. She reached for his other hand and intertwined it with her own. She leaned in and kissed him. It was a brief kiss, but it made her feel better than she had in quite a few days. Again with the girly, but being with Logan made her happy. She rested her forehead against his and continued, "We can't just pick up where we left off, because, let's face it, we weren't exactly in the midst of a functional relationship."

Logan allowed his forehead to stay against hers as he asked, "And that's what you want?"

"What do you want?"

"You."

That was all he said. One simple word, but it removed all rational thought from her mind. She was instantly back in that moment at the motel where her heart hushed her brain's cries for prudence. She was lost in the moment and, god help her, she wanted it to last. It was a new beginning for them. Lilly's murder was solved and Lilly could finally find peace. Maybe Veronica could too.

Veronica smiled and allowed him to pull her onto his lap. She kissed him again and said, "That might be able to be arranged."

Fin