A/N: A (hopefully) humorous one-shot about every day and not-so-everyday happenings in Jiminy's Journal. Takes place after the events of Re:coded, and it's when King Mickey and company (Donald, Goofy and Jiminy) decide to pay a visit. Also features Data-Riku! :)
Title: Re:coded and Re:Cracked
Summary: When Data-Sora dares to question the strange going-ons in the journal that no one has questioned before, he's in for one ride of madness. Includes the various Matrixs, mysterious bug sectors and the Avatar Menu with a twist. Rated T for... You'll see.
Genres: Parody, Humour. Because what happens in here will never happen in Square Enix's world.
Rating: T, because of the below.
Warnings: Spoilers for Re:coded and II. Random appearances from dead characters, and a naked Sora as well as general fanfiction/game bashing, especially towards the yaoi fangirls. Including a handful of swear words. You have been warned.
Word Count: 3057 words exactly! *Winks for no reason*
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Square Enix, Disney and any other characters/locations/things that are copyrighted. I do own a copy of Re:coded, however!
Please enjoy! ^_^
*R*e*c*o*d*e*d*
"I'm not going to even ask about how in Kingdom Hearts that just happened." Data-Sora commented as another portal opened up to reveal the source of the bugs. The brunette sighed before calling away Kingdom Key.
"Sora... You just did... Now head in there and debug the bugs!" Mickey's encouraging voice came from up above. Sora crossed his arms and frowned upwards to the sky, his namesake.
But he doesn't know, so the author asks that you refrain from telling him.
"How can your voice come through like that?" He asked, kicking his foot on the sand and feeling the intense heat emitting from the sun in Agrabah. He wiped a layer of sweat off his forehead, and awaited a reply. "And, why do those portals just pop up from nowhere. It doesn't really make much sense, now does it?" He finished, proud of his ability to think of that much.
Much to popular belief, everyone's favourite (small) brunette is not as stupid, or hyper, or as idiotic as so-called 'fangirls' of the series like to make him out to be. He can be surprisingly smart, and does actually possess a brain that doesn't think of Kairi every single second. Or Riku, if people choose to change his sexual identity.
Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi Kairi...
The author asks the reader to ignore this bizarre turn of events and instead scroll down every time the word 'Kairi' is used in this story.
Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku Riku...
Or 'Riku', for that matter. Well, do read the bits that involve his name, please. The author orders you to.
The author will stop the evil force that is writing the above and instead focus on the 'story'.
"Well, uh... I've never really thought of it, to be honest..." The mouse King trailed off, uncertainty clearly in his voice. He quickly shook it off and bailed his hands into fists. "Just go in there!"
The answer that came next shocked all of animal-kind (and a girlish boy) to the core.
"No." Was Sora's blunt reply. He sat down on the sand cross-legged (not because he needed the toilet. Calm down fangirls) and began to draw random patterns in the sand. The intense wind that suddenly blew from behind ruined his beautiful masterpiece that he had somehow managed to draw in two seconds. "Not until I get answers."
The boy stood up and began to pace around in circles, until he stopped to take off his jacket that was keeping him too warm for his liking.
"I mean like..." He walked over to the rip in the fabric of space and time again, and poked at it gently. "They have big white lines, and..." He poked a green number that was floating around randomly, and it vanished into tiny (and the author means tiny) blocks of data. "...What the hell are there floating numbers for?" He finished, looking back up to the sky in the hope that he'll receive an answer from the heavens. Finally, his best friend and actual journal answered.
"Well... Um... To be honest, no one really knows. Just go in and maybe you'll find the answer!" Data-Riku cleared his throat again, and sighed intensely. "Just go in, and you'll be fine."
"But the insides! They're all... Data like, and it creeps me out!" The boy retorted, not finding a decent answer that justified him randomly jumping into portals for no reason.
"...Sora. This whole place is made out of data. Of course the inside of the sectors is going to look like data." Riku replied sarcastically, and Sora rolled his eyes at him.
"Yeah-yeah... This, coming from someone who only ever has a weapon whenever he turns evil." The boy smirked as the silverette frowned at him, before sighing in defeat.
"There's no need to rub it in..." Before the young man can say any more, an infamous duck broke in the conversation.
"Sora! Just get in there already and debug the thing!" He yelled angrily, as Goofy and Mickey stared at him in worry. Sora put his hands behind his head, and raised an eyebrow.
"Why don't you come and help me? You guys are forever hanging about in that castle! And then you have the nerve to call me lazy? I work my butt off for this World and you guys just send me off on more things to do!"
"Sora..."
"Then there's these stupid things called Quests! Do you know how long it took me to find a stupid hairpin for Aladdin's girl-friend?"
"Sora."
"And what did Selphie want? Oh, she wanted a rope of course! Not any old rope I tell you, but a jump rope! What is so special about that? Does it magically jump? Nooooooo!"
"Sora!"
"What!" The boy's anger point snapped, and he looked up to the sky in anger, looking very irritated to say the least.
"There's a giant Heartless behind you!" Mickey warned, and our beloved hero turned around to come face-to-face with a Darkside's fist.
This is why you listen to your elders with respect.
"Oh fu-" The rest of the sentence was cut off as the fist made contact, and Sora closed his eyes, hoping for the best.
*R*e*c*o*d*e*d*
When the boy was brave enough to open his eyes, he found himself in front of the worst enemy that he would ever have to encounter. One that was far smaller than the average giant Heartless, but the mere appearance sent shockwaves of fear through Sora's very body.
Two simple words, words that read 'AVATAR MENU' on the screen, with a giant mouse underneath. The area that he was in was surrounded by Keyblades, balloons floating in the air and people with Mickey's ears. As he turned away from the giant screen in wonder, giant letters suddenly rose from the ground, and Data-Sora jumped back in horror, only to land on the keyboard.
"Your avatar." A simple female voice spoke, and the boy shuffled off the board before staring at the huge fancy writing that had come onto the screen. "Why settle for an average avatar when you can have the avatar of your dreams?" For some reason, the last four words were highlighted in blue, and naturally Sora began to back away, until he hit a wall that wasn't actually there; it was just one of the many glitches that the King had forgotten about.
"Use Tag Mode to unlock a huge assortment of parts that add pizzazz and personality. Enjoy!" The writing and voice vanished off screen, leaving the boy with one question racing through his head.
"Tag Mode to unlock? Surely a Keyblade would work better..." His voice trailed off and he held his hands over his mouth in horror at the sight that was now all-too-clearly on the screen.
A boy with pink lips and blue eyes, as well as being a baldie.
"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! LET ME OUT!" Sora ran to the non-existent wall that he had earlier walked into, and began to bang his fist against it. "Mickey! Riku!-"
Do not scroll down.
"Donald! Goofy? Anyone..?" His voice trailed off again as terror overtook his body. He rolled into a small ball on the floor, not noticing a nearby camera that was capturing everything on tape. He cried salty tears until his skin became wet and...
Skin? Wet? Surely he...
Sora slowly glanced down to his chest, and screamed the most blood-curling scream that anyone would ever have the misfortunate to hear.
Thankfully, you, the reader, were not there to hear the scream, but please do try to imagine it.
The scream, not Sora-
"I'm NAKED!"
Sora. Stop interrupting the author!
Now I interrupted you! Ha-ha!
The young and digital hero of all Worlds twice stated loudly, jumping up and running over to the computer while breathing deeply. He began to pound his fists on the keyboard (even though there was only a giant mouse on it. Not King Mickey) as hard as he could. Suddenly, a clicking noise echoed through the large room and a bright light surrounded a certain youngster. When he opened his eyes again and blinked, he felt long hair tickling the back of his head. He reached out a bare hand uncertainly before pulling a thread, and he screamed yet again.
"This is Ansem's hair!" He shouted in disbelief, appalled at the obvious fact. He began breathing nervously as he accidently leaned back onto the keyboard, cueing another bright light.
Somewhere in the Realm of Darkness, a man stopped staring at the sea and tutted disapprovingly at the young boy's words.
During that sentence, the light had died down, and Sora glanced into an unexpected mirror nearby that had magically appeared, and found out that he had now gained grey lips. He pouted them out, and sighed deeply before ripping out some of the gre-silver hair that was now taking pride of place on his head.
"This can't get any worse, can it?" He groaned, but immediately regretted it as yet another light blinded him.
When he looked into the mirror, he found that he had two purple tear-marks underneath his eyes. He poked at them uncertainly, not fully believing the sight.
"Isn't this-"
"Yep. Those nice little tattoos you just got there. Mine. M-I-N-E. Got it memorized?" A cocky voice answered, as the naked brown haired boy turned around and hit someone's waist. He scowled up at the much much taller man. "Axel? What the hell? Aren't you dead, no offense?" He asked seriously, freaked out at the events that had been transpiring lately to him. The dead redhead let out a sigh and crossed his arms.
"Yeah. Not that that ever stopped them. Making me OOC, everyone has to have sex with me, pairings with a whole load of people that I've never ever heard of." He let out another sigh of annoyance, and looked at the brunette. "Ever hear of a girl called Paine?"
Sora raised two eyebrows at this question, but shook his head. He had a feeling that he had heard the name before, but... "Nope. Don't tell me that-"
"-I'm paired with her? Yep." He let out another deep sigh before terror took over his face. "Sora-kun! You've gotta save me from the giant cookies!" He leaped forward and grabbed the leg of Sora for no reason, and refused to let go. The boy looked at the man before realization took over.
"Axel! They've made you OOC again! Don't give up!"
"Hey there attractive. Is heaven missing an angel?" The man suddenly stood up and smirked at the brunette before wrapping his arms around the boy's waist, disregarding the fact that he would have had to bend down to do so. As the boy squirmed in his grip and was seriously considering stabbing Axel in the chest, he felt a warm pair of lips connect with his own. His eyes widened in horror, and he summoned the Kingdom Key and swiped it randomly, hoping to break free of the hell that he was currently trapped in.
Give me a week log lecture by Donald anytime over this!
The older person promptly into tiny squares of data, much like Data-Naminé had done. When they faded away, Sora sighed the deepest sigh that a boy his age could have mustered.
"My first kiss... was with a man... No way... No way..." He muttered over and over to himself, trying to get the image out of his head, but was only making things much worst.
That was before he looked into the mirror and screamed. His Keyblade dropped to the floor, clanging against the tiles before vanishing in a beam of light.
He had somehow grown a long white bread in a few minutes, as well as putting on a red kilt and had also grown a long set of legs that would normally belong to a Heartless. A Large Body, to be exact.
The author has returned after a short coffee break and a killing spree of the female yaoi fangirls, and will only comment on the fact that Sora looks as ugly as hell.
"Stop this! Stop this!" Sora's pleading voice echoed through the large room, as he repeatedly slammed his fist against the wall. Tears were streaming down his pale face as he curled up into a small ball and sobbed even harder than before. After a few minutes like this, he slowly stood up, shaking as he turned back to the mirror.
He now had a mask of a Shadow on his face, and a helmet that was basically of a giant ice cube with blue legs, amber eyes and the Heartless symbol on it. He had the arms of a Large Body, with chains hanging loose from his wrists. They clattered against each other as the boy slowly sank to his knees, and looking down.
"Give me a Behemoth any day... WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT!" He yelled in despair, as a collection of data blocks suddenly appeared and started to jerk around. They formed into a giant mass of purple fur with two white horns, and a black horn in the centre of them. The Heartless symbol is on its chest, and it roared loudly before smacking Sora as hard as it could. He flew through the air, and hit the wall before sliding down it. The Heartless came towards him, and this is when he generally uses one of his speeches about friends and their amazing power to overcome impossible evils and stop mad men who have nothing better to do apart from give long speeches that don't really mean anything.
But not today, for our boy-that-has-magically-turned-into-Kingdom-Hearts-knows-what is giving up.
Yes. You read that correctly. Giving up.
"...I hate my friends." Were his final words before he felt the life drained out of him because of the Behemoth's giant feet of doom.
The author is currently laughing his/her butt off at Sora's ugliness as the secret camera stops rolling and plans to return to another World called 'Earth' to upload the video onto an alien thing called 'YouTube'.
"Have you given Confuse, Slow or Stop a try?" A gentle voice echoed to Sora in sheer darkness. The boy shook his head and uttered a word that should not be repeated ever again.
The author is horrified at the fact that everyone's (bar Aqua, Ventus and the original Master Xehanort, but Sora doesn't know about them. Yet) brunette can swear.
"Leave me alone! I'm meant to be dead!"
"But surely you want to at least go to the Matrix?" The voice urged again. Sora sighed and rolled over onto his front. Well technically, he was floating so he really wasn't lying anywhere, but still... Just go along with it!
"...Okay." He answered, hesitation clear in his voice. A white light surrounded him, and it became small balls of glistening light that floated off to places unknown.
*R*e*c*o*d*e*d*
When the boy yet again opened his eyes, he was greeted with the wonderful sight of wire everywhere, a handful of strange devices and a whole lot of squares beside him. There was a giant grid laid out in front of him, and he uncertainly picked up a small red square that read 'Level Up!' he felt a huge amount of stress lifted off his shoulders at the familiar (and welcoming) sight, as funky music played in the background.
"Hmm... I should put this over there..." He wondered aloud to himself, glancing over at a blank square that was right beside a large yellow square with a lightning bolt. He placed the square in it, and sighed a deep sigh of relief. "At least I might have enough strength now to defeat Hades again!" He shivered at the memory of being frozen solid by the Ice Titan, so the movement that he made was very ironic.
You know? Ice Titan? Shivering? Ha-ha?
The author asks you to move along down.
Sora put his hands on his waist, clearly happy with himself, and he turned to focus his short attention span on the Command Matrix. It was really just a whole load of empty panel spaces, and Sora picked up a panel from the ground that read 'Fire Raid'.
Beeps occasionally echoed in the room, the only noise apart from Sora talking rubbish to himself and the occasion clink. As well as the music, but that's not really important.
"...I wonder how the others are getting on. Knowing them, they're probably having a mini party right now for no reason." The boy did yet another sigh before mixing two Commands called 'Thunder Raid' and 'Thunder Buster' together, one underneath the other, to be rewarded with the ingenious Command called...
"Thunder Raid again! How am I meant to know about what Commands make what? Honestly..." He allowed his gaze to travel briefly over to the Gear Matrix, where there was his Keyblade design as well as a small collection of glistening rings that called out to him, that wanted to release his inner ring collector.
The author would like to stress that the last remark was a joke.
After a few more minutes of an uneasy silence, Who-Do-You-Think slammed a Command called 'Quake' onto the board, and looked to be at breaking point.
"I. Give. Up!" He muttered through gritted teeth, as he sat down onto the tiled floor; that was oddly enough, tiled red and blue; and proceeded to rip out silver hair.
When he realized that, his face that could not be seen paled and he let out the largest, most horrible scream that a human being could muster up, male or female. Yes, it somehow managed to be worse than the last one.
"First of all, I ask some questions. Then I turn naked and get dressed in the most horrible outfit ever. Then, a dead guy becomes my first kiss. And..! I bet that the real Sora doesn't have to deal with this!" He slammed his fist into the floor again in fury and irritation, before noticing a spark beside him. He stood up, very annoyed to say the least, and was greeted with an explosion. It broke the walls, and sent him plummeting down to depths that only Hades knew about.
"WHY?"
*R*e*c*o*d*e*d*
A/N: Hope that this gave at least one laugh, because I had a great time writing it!
I know the middle's longer than the rest, but I'm like that!
Hopefully, you guys enjoyed this a bit! And if you haven't already played Re:coded; play it! It's really quite a good game!
So, um... Please review? ^_^