Harry Potter and the Case of the Rhinoceros

Harry Potter: Emily Claus

Ron Weasley: Emma Kohut

Hermione Granger/Neville Longbottom: Francesca Crowley

Narrator: Ms. Stevens

[Stevens, Period 6]

ACT I: Int. Gryffindor Boys' Bedchamber (Hogwarts), early morning

RON: (tossing in his sleep) No… no… Please, no, not the–! …Run! (jumps up and begins trying to wake Harry up) Harry? Harry! Harry Potter! Mr. Potter! (sighs) Your Highness the Chosen One!

HARRY: Mmmn? (groggy) Yes, my sweet Ronald? Was' tha' matta'?

RON: My head really, really, huuurts!

HARRY: Wait a minute… Hold on now, I see what you're doing here. And that's my thing!

RON: Whatever do you mean?

HARRY: Y'know, that whole rubbing your forehead and whininglike nobody's business first thing in the morning with bad dreams. That's my bit. Who do you think you are, Harry Potter? Do YOU think you're Chosen One?

RON: N-No, Harry! Of course not! You're the Chosen One, it says so right in the book, not me. I'm just the best friend and occasional comic relief.

HARRY: That's what I thought.

RON: Oh, but Harry! You almost made me forget! Can't you get over yourself for a minute and come take a look? (showing Harry his forehead) See? Is there something there, 'cause it really hurts. Like, really, REALLY hurts!

HARRY: Well. It looks really, really normal to be, but I suppose we ought to be safe… Hold still, Daywalker! *awkwardly inspecting his forehead* Oh no. This is worse than I thought.

RON: (weakly) What is it, Harry?

HARRY: I think it's… TERMINAL…

RON: B-B-But…!

HARRY: (shoves him back) Kidding. Nothing's wrong with you, Ron.

RON: (relieved) Bloody hell, Harry, don't scare me like that! But perhaps I really am just feeling a bit under the weather. Think Fred and George may've slipped me something at dinner last night? But Harry, what if I die?

HARRY: It's not impossible... (Ron grabs his forehead dramatically) But it's unlikely. I'd hate to think if Rowling were to kill you off this early in the series. 'Sides, if anyone is constantly in horrible, awful, terrifying, abhorrent, ungodly, dangerous… (Ron gestures to get back to the point)…danger, it's me, the valiant Chosen One.

RON: Some really is out to kill you every year, aren't they, Harry?

HARRY: 'Tis merely the price one must pay for being this great.

NEVILLE: (wakes up, yawning and stretching) Woah… what a strange dream. There I was, sitting with my grandmother. She wore a purple fur coat and matching hat with a feather…

RON: (to Harry) All right, that's about enough potter talk for one morning. Save the rest for Rita; she's coming 'round for another interview tomorrow for your autobiography.

HARRY: Oh, yes. That one.

NEVILLE: (still to himself) …I held her hand, and we waiting for the train while eating ice cream, the Hogwarts Express, I'm sure…

HARRY: (to Ron) Very well. Suppose I gotta' save some of this smile for the public. (He beams at audience)

NEVILLE: …I remember hearing the train approach, and want her to let go of my hand… (yawns)

RON: Oh, Harry, I really don't feel so well… not at all… Can we see where Hermione is? Maybe she can brew me up something for my headache. Is that your Marauder's Map over there?

(Harry mumbles "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" and fumbels with map)

NEVILE: And as I pulled away, I looked one last time to my grandmother… (suddenly much louder) to find she'd turning in to Snape, and begun devouring students, right there, right on platform 9 3/4!

HARRY: For the love of God, Neville, shut up!

RON: Yeah, everyone knows that Snape's a saint! (They laugh) Well, except maybe to you, Harry. He kind of hates you.

HARRY: Thanks, Ron.

RON: Anytime. Hey, Harry, is the map supposed to do that? See, it says 'Rhinoceros' in the Fourth Floor Corridor.

HARRY: I don't know anybody named Rhinoceros.

RON: And here, too – in the owlry, and all over the Great Hall, as well! (grabs map from Harry) Is this some kind of joke? (shaking it) Why isn't working?

HARRY AND NEVILLE TOGETHER: The map never lies.

RON: Look, Hermione's in the Common Room, maybe she knows something. Let's head down before the pain in my head worsens.

HARRY: (grabs maps away) Mine.

Harry and Ron head downstairs, leaving poor Neville by himself…

ACT II: Int. Gryffindor Common Room (Hogwarts). Harry and Ron enter.

HERMIONE: Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys! Have you read this morning's news yet? It's awful! Dumbledore was in such a temper than he tore up his own office! Half the school has stampeded off into the Forbidden Forest, Hagrid's being accused of bring some new species of endangered magical beasts onto Hogwarts grounds, the various parts of campus are in ruins (the Ministry's pointing fingers at cave trolls from the mines of Moria, but I quite doubt it), and to top it all off even Voldemort has come out of hiding to see what the hell is going on! …Oh, and by the way, Ron, you've got a bump on your nose, did you know? Just there. (points where on her face)

RON: Bloody hell, Hermione! (Rubs his face)

HARRY: This certainly seems like more than just another day of wizard shinanagans. I mean, Voldemort's roaming the streets and everyone's apparently too preoccupied with their own problems to do anything about it? What could possibly be worse?

HERMIONE: Well… Malfoy stopped by earlier this morning. It seemed rather odd, really, he made many trumpeting noises, but he told me to give you these.

(She hands Harry flowers holds out flowers)

RON: (rubbing his head) Hermione! Something isn't quite right! (Trumpets)

HARRY: What? But Malfoy knows I'm allergic to pollen – I told him at the Christmas party last year!

RON: (making noises) Is it hot here?

HERMIONE: Well, if you don't want them…

HARRY: (takes flowers) I never said that! (smelling them) …And you can tell Malfoy I'm not interested.

RON: *pacing around* Hermione, my clothes are itchy… *trumpeting* Why is it so hot in here?

HERMIONE: (rolls eyes) Ron, would you sit down? Nobody gets a kick out of your anxiety attacks anymore.

RON: Bloody hell! I need some air! (Ron rushes outside where his panting and trumpeting can be heard)

HARRY: What's that idiot doing now?

HERMIONE: Oh, no! He's turning into one of them!

HARRY: (worried) What do you mean? One of WHAT?

HERMIONE: God, Harry, you're so dense sometimes! Don't you get it?

HARRY: (blinks) No.

HERMIONE: It all seems awfully familiar, Harry, I just can't quite place my finger one it… The Metamorphosis! That's exactly what this is like!

HARRY: The what?

HERMIONE: The Metamorphosis, that's where I've seen this before.

HARRY: You mean that Kafka book we had to read for Muggle Studies about that guy who turns into a cockroach?

HERMIONE: Beetle.

HARRY: Cockroach.

HERMIONE: Well, never mind that, you know the one I'm talking about.

HARRY: I should hope so. I paid you to write my essay on it and everything. What does that have to do with what's going on here?

HERMIONE: (Like a know-it-all) Well, it looks like a common case of massive hallucinations caused by the abuse from a strict father figure.

HARRY: Of course, Hermione, that has to be it – it explains the map and everything! You're so smart.

HERMIONE: I know!

RON: (still trumpeting in the background)

HERMIONE: Ron, dear, would you keep in down in there? We're trying to have a serious conversation. (clutches her head and ears) Ah! Oh, that wasn't pleasant at all. Goodness, is it hot in here or what? I think I need some air, Harry, I – I'll be in the bathroom! (rushes out)

HARRY: Hermione? Hermione? You've GOT to be kidding me! Hey, Hermione, did you at least finish writing my– (looks outside) Holy Hippogryphs, they're both rhinos! (Looks at audience) Good Lord!

Suddenly very concerned, Harry opens the window to see a herd of rhinoceros.

HARRY: They're all rhinoceros, the whole lot of 'em! Look – (points at audience members) there's Seamus Finnigan, and Lavender Brown! And I think that's Filch, with Mrs. Norris! Oh, what's to be done? They all looks so… I don't know, beautiful! Maybe… maybe if I were… Who am I kidding? I'm Harry Potter, I'm the Boy Who Lived, not some stupid ugly breed of elephant! I'm the Chosen One, I've got millions of squaling groups of crazed girls—Even more than Cedric does- and an entire product line at Hot Topic! That's right: I'm Harry Freakin' Potter, and I am most definitely NOT capapa… capapachu… cachupapat… capikachu… calate… tingning… capichuting… *pause* I WILL NOT BECOME A RHINO!

Fin.