A/N: I've decided to start a story that is basically letters from James to Lily, although he doesn't give them to her. It's just a bunch of drabbles and really a way for me to think about these two characters. I'll probably update often. So anyways. Thank you to all those who plan to read and review this. I hope I won't let you all down.

September 7, 1976

Dear Lily,

I don't know why I'm writing this, honestly. Okay I kinda know. It's sixth year and Sirius is aggravated by me, you know, staring at you all the time and talking about you. Well what else am I supposed to do, study? I don't want to do that at all. What a waste that would be. I did great on my OWLs, I don't need to try this year. I think, I don't know, Transfiguration is already really easy this year. Nonverbal spells are simple, though you seem to be concentrating on performing them right now in the Common Room.

I digress, I'm getting off topic. Sirius thinks that if I'm not going to talk to you (as I'm a bit afraid after last year with Sni-Snape and such, plus I think you would hate to make eye contact with me), I should write down how I'm feeling so he won't have to punch me every time I mention the shape of your ears or the way your lips are puckered when you're thinking too hard about which Jam to use on your toast in the morning. He's doing me a favor, he said. Said it'll save me from loads of bruises on the shoulder. I didn't believe he'd continually go through with it, but then Remus piped up that he would do it too if necessary.

So I'm writing you a letter. I dunno how many of these I'll write, but Remus said I should write one whenever I'm really feeling it with you. Like I want to shout to everyone how I feel about you, but I can't because then you'll yell at me and my heart will hurt and I'll have to act like an ass so you won't know how easy it is for you to make me feel terrible.

You're sitting at one of the couches with Marlene McKinnon, reading a book on Transfiguration and occasionally placing the book against your chest, your eyes pointing to the left and up, your lips moving silently as you attempt wandless magic. I want to kiss you. Marlene is reading some sort of magazine, Trendy Witch perhaps, when she nudges you, whispering something with her eyes on me. You frown slowly, your face flushing, and it's not your concentration frown with your brow furrowed and all that. No, it's the angry frown that is always aimed at the boy with hazel eyes.

You don't turn around though. Your eyes are on your book again, with that frown still in place, and I know you know where I am sitting, what I am doing exactly, just staring and all that, but you won't turn around because I still haven't apologized to you for last year and I'm sorry about that, I'm just so afraid of what you're going to say. I know, James Potter, fearless. But you're the only person I'm afraid of 'cause... Well you matter to me, your opinion matters to me. For awhile it didn't, for awhile I pretended like I didn't care what you said. I acted like you wanted me to act, like a pompous prick, and I believed I was for awhile but-

I realize now with you not looking at me that I am so tired of this, all of this. I hate you looking at me with hatred, or not looking at me. And I know it's my fault. I need to fix myself. Because I want you terribly. It's a curse really, feeling like this, but there are so many other people in the world but I can't see them like I see you. I just want to matter to you as something more than I am now.

I still have that list you know, the one with all the reasons why you'll never date me.

1. You're a bully

2. You're constantly making trouble

3. You think you're the greatest person in the world

4. You're a coward

5. You're self-centered

6. You just want to chase me, that's it

7. You never know when to give up

8. You won't grow up

I don't know if I can do all that Lily, I don't think I can ever give up on you. But I know I have to try with the rest of this list. It's odd. I don't think I could've ever tried to fix myself if I didn't have a purpose like you. And I'm going to win you over, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many mistakes I make I will fix us. But I guess there was never an us to fix... Still. I'm going to stand up, go over to you, and apologize. No running my hand through my hair, just the honest, loving truth.

And I just did. I just said some truth. I went over to you were sitting, told Marlene to go talk to someone else for a moment, which she abided by easily. You looked past me to the fire when I sat down, your arms crossed, giving nothing to me. So I paused for a bit, waiting for you while you waited for me, until I finally couldn't take it.

"Look I know you don't want to talk to me," I said, resisting the urge to touch my hair. It's a nervous itch, I swear.

"No, really?" You said, sarcasm dripping from your lips.

I ignored you, grabbing one of the pillows and picking at a protruding feathers. "I'm sorry about last term. I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it. I make a lot of mistakes when I'm with Sirius, no I make a lot of mistakes when I'm me, and I didn't think it would get that out of hand, but I started it in the first place. I'm an idiot, I know, and I just, I keep looking back at it and I realize how much of an insufferable prick I am and I just wish I could take it back. It was childish, and I was just so immature. Can you somehow forgive me?"

You were silent for a long time, your emerald eyes on the fire. Oh, how I could've leaned in and just brushed your lips ever so slightly.

"Well, you were right about the 'insufferable prick' part," You murmured, smirking. "Fine, Potter. I forgive you. Just please. Stay away from me for awhile. I need time to really... fix myself, I guess."

My heart hurt, and I gulped down the lump in my throat, nodding. "Of course."

I turned around quickly, hoping to get away before my hands started shaking, but you called me back. "James?"

I glance at you, surprised. Oh the warmth spread through me, to hear your lips move in the shape of my name, what a glorious day. "Lily?"

"That was really nice and... honest."

I shrugged, containing my excitement. Nice. Honest. I said something nice! "I guess you deserve that from me."

I turned around, and here I am. My God, I'm actually getting somewhere. Maybe writing letters is good, it clears my head. Hm, I should do this more often.

Love,

James

I hoped you enjoyed that. It was quite long for the drabble format I'm going for, so the next ones may be shorter. I don't know. Maybe at one point they'll be longer. I digress, thank you for reading! It would be exceptionally wonderful if you also REVIEWED! Thanks so much!

-St. Walker