This was normal, is it really normal? It's what I've grown used to dealing with. Since Rei is no longer around. I relaxed laying down after a long day. But I wasn't alone of course Shouto is in bed with me. Practically laying on my chest. Mindlessly drawing circles on my skin with his free hand. It's ticklish I try not to react too much. His eyes are hazy, so perhaps he'll sleep sometime soon?

I watch his other hand curled lazily into a partial fist. Resting underneath his jawline to prop his head up. As if my shoulder wasn't enough cushioning for him. I watch his cheeks move suckling on the pacifier in his mouth. Or maybe he just wanted to be closer to me. More in my face, than he already was. I don't hate it. But I'd be lying, if I said he wasn't too close. Honestly it wouldn't be such a big deal.

…..

I wouldn't question the normalcy if he wasn't twelve. He's old enough to sleep alone. Not to suck on a pacifier. Old enough to know better, than to fight his sleep. He has long days, needs energy for quirk training and studies. For god sakes he should have been sleep hours ago. But it's two in the morning and here we are again.

"It's hard." His voice startles me out of my thoughts. As the pacifier falls from his mouth with an audible pop. Down onto my collarbone, it's wet absolutely covered in saliva. And distracting as fuck, because I wonder how hard he had to be sucking. For it to make that loud of a sound. "What's hard Shou-chan?" I reach over with my right hand. Since it's not trapped underneath him pulling the object away.

This is the point. Normal girls would be freaked out. Nobody likes to touch anyone's saliva. But me…. I'm tempted to lick it clean. And give it back to him. It's really no different from a mother chewing her food. And giving it to her infant.

'I'm annoyed at myself.'

Brushing the pacifier off on my night gown. He immediately opens his mouth to receive it. But I know if I give this back. He won't talk like I need him to. He never seems to, have a conversation when he's like this. Am I confused by his behavior? Not at all really. Everyone has something they're not proud of. Every once in a while, vocalizing becomes a challenge.

'…I'm not proud of who I've become lately.'

'I can't tell him I love him. Without it feeling misplaced.'

However for the last five years. This has been a struggle. Dealing with his age regression.

The household we live in is strange. It's growing more twisted by the day.

'I'm helping it become worse too.'

Because Shouto walks out the house. Behaves his age when in public. But steps one foot over the threshold of our home. And suddenly he's five again. I'm not a doctor. I don't know what's wrong with him. But I search and search until I find something, that looks like an answer. Because I can't ignore this. My child ' younger brother' is still wetting the bed. He's still crying hysterically when the house is too dark. To the point half of him erupts into flames. That I have no power to quell, and I need father to put them out. There's no way I can justify turning a blind eye. When he usually doesn't speak complete sentences to me.

I physically can not live. With the knowledge he gets overwhelmed, being asked to preform basic task. Such as to eat his dinner. Instead it's too hot, he wants someone to blow on it for him. Usually father and if he's told no. He responds by refusing to eat at all. Father thought it would be okay. He'll stop being a brat. Once he goes to bed hungry a few nights. But a few nights turned into multiple nights. I saw that even he grew worried. It was not a case of Shouto being a brat. He was legitimately asking for help. It wasn't that he wouldn't do it himself he couldn't. That was five years ago now there's a system. Every other night father and I, alternate who's in charge of making sure he eats. A good portion of the time. I try to make cold soba for him he loves it, and nobody needs to monitor him. There's independence there just a little bit. It's like we have to spoon feed him his own control. And there's only a fifty-fifty chance he'll take it.

Other basic task include washing himself. Showers and baths are a nightmare. So I have to wash his hair a little at a time. Some nights I don't even get halfway done. He'll sit on the stool, legs shaking, hiccuping, sobbing, sniffling. And by the time I look down to check his face. Wanting to make sure he doesn't have any soap in his eyes. That's never the case, he's just afraid. Even though the water is warm. It's still going over his head. It's too much for him to handle. Always his lips are bitten raw or bleeding. One night I was tired...very tired. I thought to myself. He's going to whine anyway, so I may as well get it done.

'My father's mentality was showing a lot. I felt awful afterward I still feel awful.'

I aimed the sprayer at his hair on full blast. Never once stopping to check on him. I never noticed the sobs stopped. Because his body was still trembling. But when I turned it off , he made a disturbing gurgling sound. Then coughed into his hands that was when I was stricken with grand clarity. There was blood so much of it, he had chewed through his cheeks. Too afraid to speak up and tell me to stop. I was forceful he probably felt like, he didn't have a choice. Just like with Rei there was no option.

It just happened...and that was that.

I didn't bat an eyelash, at the fact he urinated himself next. If anything that should have happened first. But his self harm habits are unpredictable. I pushed too hard, couldn't deal with the aftermath. Ran to get my father and have him bathe Shouto instead that night. That was two years ago. But like clockwork he still seeks me out for bath time. Even the very next day after it happened. Forgiving, obedient, children love with their hearts on their sleeves. No matter how many atrocities they suffer. At this point his hair has flakes in it. From both poor hygiene and left over soap. I'm trying my best to keep his head clean. It's feels impossible most days.

'Oh well at least he doesn't flinch when I touch his body.'

All these thing eventually add up, I need to address it. Unlike Natsuo who sees him behaving incorrectly. And refuses to scold him. He's not helping the stability of our household either. It's as if he lives here part time running in and out, because he has better things to do. So convinced he's just a shadow on the wall. As if it would kill him to spend time with us. He's refusing to engage with Enji 'father' and Shouto. To some degree I understand his wariness in regards to him. But avoiding Shouto too? That's going too far, he's young we need to care for him. Whatever insecurities he's harboring in comparison to our younger brother need to stop. They've grown obvious, he's too old for this. And now Shouto doesn't trust him.

I can see it in his eyes. It's why he always runs to me if he needs something. Because father is rarely home most days. Work keeps them disconnected along with high expectations. But his child is low functioning by the time he comes home at night. It's why quirk training now takes place early in the morning. When he's basically ready for school. Because in that short time frame. He's the correct age, father takes the opening and runs with it. No concern for how that might actually be harming his fragile mind further.

'But that's not my place to say anything. I won't question Enji's methods. I stand beside him not against him. That's how relationships work.'

I'm going to push the issues I can one at a time. Until Shouto gives me something to work with. I know this stems from trauma. It makes me revolted. He's been through, and is going through a lot. But it's my job to help him.

'I am his mother.'

.. … 'Older sister.'

First things first, starting conversations and not finishing them. I place the pacifier on the nightstand. And watch as his mouth closes slowly. Facial features drowning in sadness. For the love of god Shouto, can't even hold eye contact when he's like this. I snap my fingers twice in front of him. Until he gives me his focus. "I asked you a question. You need to answer it." It takes a second. I see his mind struggling to put together the pieces. Before eventually he let's out a sigh."It's hard leaving and coming back home." I nod my head. No words for now. He understands I'm listening. One sentence isn't enough. He's not trying enough, force hurts but I have to do this to him. 'I'm prying he's not my child. It's my little brother, we're supposed to have some distance.'

"I want to stay big… I need to for daddy. B-But I can't? It's hard Fuyumi it hurts. I'm tired." I can see the guilt in his expression. He knows this is unusual. Has some concept he's damaged. What's worse is that I see I was wrong. Shouto was trying probably a little harder every day. But there's nothing I can do. To take back the position I just forced him into.

'It's ironic I can see sometimes. I am Rei's daughter. I make a mistake. And won't attempt to fix it. Because I'm better than that. It's easier to implode on myself later. I'd rather let it become water under the bridge. At least apologize bitch?!'

I should but I don't.

"It's okay Shou-chan just keep trying. You're not being a burden to anyone here. You're loved no matter where your head is right now. I love you."

'Stop it!'

"I love you too Fuyumi."

I wrap my arms around him at once. It forces him to flip towards me. As I lay on my side now. The straps on my night gown have slid down. But not enough 'It's too much.' He's eye level with my cleavage. But that's not an issue. I want him closer anyway. So I hug him tightly. Hands roaming over his back. Sliding down where his night shirt was riding up. Hands immediately going underneath the fabric. Inhaling the scent of his hair. Indulging in his unique body temperature. But I don't like what I feel. He's too small for his age. Too thin at this rate, a growth spurt could probably rip him in half. "Shou-chan are you eating?"

A nod of his head, brushes his nose ever so slightly into my valley. But he won't look up at me. That's a red flag. "Hey look at me." I use the most commanding voice I can muster. And am met with a pair of mismatched eyes. A lip being bitten anxiously. While I hate that feeling myself. Seeing it on him swells something in me. Something carnal that I can't shake. Something that I want to indulge. Just a little while longer. "Don't lie to me little boy. I make three meals a day. I only see you for two of them. Are you eating your lunches?"

"N-No…" His eyes instantly leave mine. Internally I am seething. "Why not?" I demand my voice is starting to sound harsh even to my own ears. "I..I can't.…I sleep at lunch." I stop hugging him and sit up. Oh he looks like he wants to curl in on himself. Like he wants to vanish. Even while pushing himself up onto his knees. He remains staring at the bed. Likely wishing it would swallow him whole. While I stare down at him. "I bend over backwards for you Shouto. You're sleeping at school. When you're meant to do it at home. You were supposed to be in bed hours ago. Yet you're in here with me. Because I let you, I love you. I'll sleep with you every night. But you can't even eat my lunches? I work hard on those. You're being very spoiled."

Oh he knows what he's done wrong. He must have been throwing them away outside too. Because I take out the trash every day. Clean his room every weekend. The house itself from top to bottom. I'm responsible for it's upkeep. And I've never found evidence he wasn't eating until now.

He looks up slowly, and I'm met with a weak sniffle. And two beautifully colored teary eyes.

That expression...is erotic to me.

'It shouldn't be! It's wrong!'

My whole body is starting to feel tingly. My toes curl, thighs rub together searching for friction. But alas there's nothing, I wish I was wearing underwear tonight. It would have eased some of the pain I'm in right now. I wouldn't be cold with this wetness between my legs.

'I wonder if Enji will complain, if I mount him while he's sleep? I need something...anything him or Shouto it's fine. As long as my family stays close.'

I feel something in me snap.

"I-I'm sorry Fuyu-"

"Mommy!"

'I'm running on empty I can't stop! This isn't going to help him!'

"I'm sorry mommy." He's earnest when he says it. Truly mournful and the best part is. It sounds right, I know what was swelling beneath the surface for me. Control I love having this kind of parental control over him. I'll acknowledge it. It fucking feels amazing. The lust...is painful. I should satiate it.

"It's okay Shouto don't be sad. I forgive you a good mother. Always forgives and loves her children. You're mine so please don't ever think I'd hurt you." Slowly my hand brushes away the tears from his eyes. Lingering longer than it should have over that scar. Uncomfortable yes but I think he got the point.

'Yes a good mother not like Rei. I'm not like her. She's a bitch how could she do this to you? How incompetent is she? Can't take care of her children. Or support Enji, she's weak but I can do this. And go to school. I'm going to have a job soon as well. I'll never be what she is, I'm better than her. Rei didn't value what she had. So now I'm taking it.'

'What I'm doing isn't any better!'

He's at a loss for words. I'm not surprised. But he doesn't need to talk right now. I just need to know, if he truly means his apology. My body….it feels like I'm not in charge anymore. I am a spectator to my own horrible decisions. As one by one I pull my arms out of barely concealing straps. The dress is around my waist. And I'm pulling his head closer to me. Both hands on his cheeks as I do so. His eyes are glassy but hopeful. I can see his relieve at being forgiven. He's so short compared to me. I feel he'll be taller one day. But right now he looks so perfect. He is perfect even if he makes a mistake or two.

"I forgive you honestly. But you'll have to eat now to make it up to me. Open up say ah?~" Shouto is too obedient but I love him for it. My nipples are offered to him. Then promptly the left one is encased by the warmth of his mouth. Curious but instinctive he clamps down on it, the same as his pacifier. He sucks harshly I feel his cheeks hollow out. Mouth agape as he inhaled through it. His pink tongue laving over the now hardened tip, wandering the expanse of flesh. My other nipple grows equally as hard. The bed is a mess underneath me I know it. For just a second I let my fingers tangle in his hair. Abandoning his soft cheeks. Pulling lightly on the threads a soft moan 'gasp' leaves his mouth. I hold him like he's my life line.

After all he's the only thing preventing me, from shoving two fingers in my pussy. Stretching it out playing in my slick. Using my other hand to my advantage. Pressing my index and middle fingers down on my labia. Holding them close as possible together, rubbing over my clit again and again. While I whisper and whimper the name, of whoever is going to push me over the edge tonight.

'My husband or my child.'

Shouto isn't scared if anything he looks comfy.

'Well of course he would be. He was breast fed as a child. I'm taking advantage and don't even have milk to give him in return.'

I wish I did.

God I wish I could feed him this way! Nurture his too thin body. The way I'm supposed to. I'm a horrible mother! I can't even feed my baby! Tears sting at the corner of my eyes. My stomach churns, stabbing pains littering my heart, And all at once I'm lightly pushing him away. Hands frantically reaching over to the nightstand. "H-Here Shou-chan t-take it." Grabbing the pacifier off, I slip it into his mouth. "That's enough o-okay?" His eyes follow me blearily, disappointed, and soul less yet worried. As make my way to my feet. Dress discarded on the floor. I don't have time to look back at the wet spot I know I left on the bed. I don't concern that he can see my fully nude body.

'He can look at me...or touch me. It's natural we're close I don't care.'

I go hurriedly into my private bathroom. Closing the door behind me. Holding it shut, we were never allowed to have locks on our doors in this home. And two seconds later. I feel the bile crawl up from the pit of my stomach. Out my throat scorching me exactly the way I deserve. Because I'm sick. I molested my child.

'….younger brother.'

I heave again and again. Worse each time due to the knocking outside of the door.

"Mommy! Mommy open the door! Let me in!" His voice is shrill piercing. I can hear how unsteady his breathing is, even over my own gagging. He must think I'm dying. But still I keep my grip tight on the knob. He's pulling and I can't let him in. Not because it's a mess. But because I can't trust myself with him. I hear his sobs echoing in my ears. I can't even register my own anymore. There's only Shouto and there's nothing I can do to help him.

Because I need help myself. This is not normal.