It's a sequel to Born Still, and I'm not sure it can be read independently. It's going to be a three-part story, and despite what it may look like, it's going to be a fluffy one. A thank you and a boop in the nose to meqhanory, for being my incredible beta. I do not own anything
CHAPTER ONE
The trip home from the hospital was filled with a heavy silence.
Emma had gone to their house to get the Mercedes and in her hurry to get back and take Regina from the living hell her hospital room had become, she forgot to take the baby car seat from the place where it was safely strapped. The soft light green and dark maroon of the fabric didn't exactly blend in with the black leather seat. On the contrary, truly. It shone bright against their lids as a cruel reminder that they didn't have a baby to put on that seat and bring home.
Just as cruel as the unopened bag full of baby clothes and little things that Emma had thrown carelessly on the side, without a second glance to where it landed as she helped Regina in.
Focusing all her attention on the uneventful road, Emma could see her wife from the corner of her eye, and she doubted she was aware she was still clutching to her belly as if there was a child in there, ready to be born into this world. Staring outside of the windows, Regina had her eyes vacant, wandering from a dust particle to a stain on the glass to nowhere in particular as she let herself feel numb.
Nothing from the last few hours felt real. It felt like a miserable and excruciating nightmare they just couldn't wake up from. It barely felt like they were living this horrible dream, but it would never be, all that sorrow that seemed like would never fade.
Because it couldn't be happening to them. They couldn't have lost their child. Even the thought of never seeing their daughter again was unfathomable.
They would simply come back to an empty house. A house that would no longer be filled with 2am cries for food or to be changed, or with a giggle when piggyback riding her brother's back. It would just be silent.
Right then, two streets before reaching their home, Regina freed an anguished sob that was constricting her chest when a single thought filled her mind and crushed all that little resemblance of strength she had managed to keep in.
They would have to bury their baby.
Emma had once read that mourning was love with nowhere to go.
It hit a little too close to home, she thought as she picked up the toast and masked a smile onto her face when she turned to set the plate in front of Henry, who was way more focused on his drawing than in eating his breakfast and getting ready for school.
Ruffling his hair as she went back to the counter to get her coffee, she couldn't help feeling this was too true to ignore.
She found herself constantly mourning Coraline.
She no longer slept as heavily and without worries as she used to, and would wake up in the early morning, wanting to cuddle a daughter she didn't have, wanting to feed and care for a newborn baby that left them before her time. She wanted to rock her daughter to sleep, but all she could do was soothe herself with unsung lullabies as she tried not to fall back into a restless sleep.
Drinking her coffee and blinking the sleep off her eyes, she turned to Henry, "Want me to drive you to school?"
Tearing his eyes from his half-finished drawing, Henry gave the toast one last big bite and talked through the food, "No, I'm going with Ava. But thanks!". Emma couldn't help the grin creeping on her lips against her will, but she did raise an eyebrow for good measure, as if Henry could have somehow missed the light mockery on her expression.
"Shut up! Her brother is coming too."
"Yeah, sure. You gotta keep him on your good side." Emma laughed as Henry's cheeks turned bright red before shrugging his backpack on and looking away from her. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she put on a somewhat serious expression, "Now, school, go. Don't leave your girlfriend waiting."
"She's not-" Henry began to protest, but gave up with an eye roll, knowing he wouldn't win this early in the morning. "You're the worst", he grunted before running off the kitchen and into the front yard.
"Love you!" Emma shouted through soft giggles. Henry had reached such a fun age. He would no longer hug her that often or want to hang out with her after school, but she could make him feel embarrassed about girls now. It kind of made it up for all of those childish ways leaving him. Regina reminded her more often than not how unhealthy it was, how he should not be embarrassed of growing up and having feelings, and Emma should not make him feel so bad. But it was fun, nonetheless.
Taking notice of the time, Emma busied herself with the dishes from dinner and breakfast. Her shift didn't start before 10am, and Ruby told her she could do the first patrol of the day and would let her know if any incident needed her help.
She made a mental note to let Regina sleep in until sometime around 9am before waking her up and trying to get her to eat something.
Emma would wake up in the wee hours in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep if her life depended on it. Regina was the opposite. She would wander around the house until 2am or maybe later, in bad nights. She made herself busy with paperwork or a book, maybe cider or hard liquor when the memories got too fresh.
Putting the last mug on the drying rack, Emma considered getting more coffee, more to keep busy than awake, and calling the station to check up on Ruby as she heard the shower starting to run. Regina was up. Glancing at the clock, she noticed her wife had barely gotten three hours of sleep.
Last night had been a bad night. Emma woke up shivering, covered in sweat from her latest nightmare - something to do with sirens. As she turned on her side, knowing she wouldn't fall back asleep, she found out she had been alone all night. Regina had never come to bed, her side still somewhat made.
Getting up, Emma found Regina sitting on the hallway, leaning against the wall in front of Coraline's nursery. The door was closed, like usual. They didn't make a habit of entering an unused baby room that would never know the joy of hosting a young girl. Regina had a half empty bottle within her loose grasp, eyes vacant as she stared at the closed door in front of her. She wasn't drunk, no, Emma could tell her vacant stare wasn't due alcohol. It was all sorrow.
"Come to bed," Emma pleaded in a sleepy voice, and Regina looked up. Her eyes were dry, her face as composed as it could be, given it was early in the morning and she hadn't gotten a full night of sleep in ages. It was a crushing reminder that Regina hasn't cried since Coraline's funeral. She bottled it all in, deeming herself unworthy of crying over the loss of someone she hadn't been able to protect from her rotten core.
Regina used Emma's stretched hand as aid when she tried to get on her feet, wobbling a little on her way up. The bottle remained forgotten on the floor as Emma wrapped her arm around Regina, who clung onto her as if the blonde was the only thing keeping her up straight. They both got into bed, Emma pretending to try and fall asleep again as Regina stared at the ceiling above them, barely blinking until tiredness got the best of her and she finally fell into a restless and troubled sleep.
Emma wondered if they'd spend their entire life struggling to fall asleep or to stay quiet long enough for memories of that dreadful night to rise to the surface again. The loss was too great for them to simply move on from it; it was a pain like no other. In therapy, they had learned that time would make it less hard to deal with. Maybe, eventually, they could even talk about it without feeling like their insides were being torn apart.
For all the pain they had gone through in the last few months, Emma prayed for them to be right.
As she put more coffee to brew so Regina could have a fresh cup, Emma noticed Regina had turned off the shower. She'd be down soon. Maybe Emma would even get a smile out of her when she finished making funny shaped pancakes. Even though she was almost sure it would taste like trash and she'd burn them, Emma started to gather the ingredients to make her wife breakfast.
She had just reached for a bowl on the top shelf when a desperate scream pierced through her very soul. It was such a raw scream that it almost muffled the sob that came along.
The bowl left her grip, scattering all over the floor. But she couldn't care about it, not when Regina was crying out so loud she could hear her from down the kitchen.
Running up the stairs two steps at a time, Emma got to their room and into the bathroom to find Regina crouching on the floor, with towel poorly wrapped around her naked form. Her palms covered her face, and she bit the heel of her hand to keep her sobs low. Wet strands of hair fell on her face, half hiding the frantic look she had in her eyes.. The cries rushed through her body, causing her to shiver and choke on them. Emma was lost for a moment, but she leaned down and wrapped her arms around Regina's shaking frame.
Something caught her eye, and she absently reached for it. As soon as she focused on what the scattered numbers on a piece of paper meant, she felt her own legs about to give in under her.
It was a calendar page, October from last year. The 22th had a red circle around it, with the words "due date" written on top of it.
Coraline would've been one year old today.
"No."
Crossing her arms on her chest and trying to keep a pout out of her face, Emma let the air out of her lungs in an annoyed puff. Regina said the word in a definitive tone that allowed no follow ups. Anyone in their right mind would shut up immediately, but Emma wasn't having any of it.
She had waited too long for this conversation. She had been patient, healing and letting Regina heal, for three years. They were having this conversation today.
"Why?" Narrowing her eyes, Emma held the death glare Regina was giving her. She had seen Regina give her that same glare many times before, it didn't really scare her anymore.
"Emma, I'm warning you. Don't." Regina made a sharp gesture, missing Emma's face by an inch. There was something different about her eyes, but Emma dismissed it, assuming the brunette was just angrier than usual.
"Why?" Part of her knew she shouldn't be pushing Regina this far. The brunette was more distressed than Emma had seen her in months, but she needed a better answer than a simple 'no' before putting the subject away. "Why won't you even consider trying again?"
Regina wrapped her arms around her middle, as if trying to hold herself in place before turning to face Emma. She was hunched, shoulders down, looking almost fragile and her eyes were glistening with tears ready to drop. When she spoke, her voice was small and cracked.
"Because I can't bear to lose another child."
Emma felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. How could she have missed it? Of course, she had suffered an impossible loss when they found out Cora was gone. But Regina had to carry her, had to go through labor. "We can have a healthy baby…"
"We can't" Regina wiped her tears away before they fell, masking her sorrow much too well, "I can't. Why do you think we lost Cora in the first place?"
Emma stretched her hands out, almost reaching for Regina's arms, but never daring to touch her. If anyone knew how Regina reacted when this subject was brought up, it was Emma. "It was preeclampsia, the doctors confirmed it. There was nothing you could've done-"
"No, Emma!" her voice broke yet again, and her entire body was almost visibly shaking. When their eyes met, Regina let all her sorrow, all her guilt; show for a split second before blinking it away, causing her welled up tears to fall, "We lost her because I couldn't keep her safe!"
Tightening the grip on her waist, Regina turned her back to Emma. She couldn't be looking in her eyes when Emma realized why they didn't have a baby girl with them, running around the house and bumping into things.
The silence weighed them down for a long while that seemed to stretch forever. Regina could swear Emma was halfway to Texas by then, so that's why she almost jumped out of her skin when strong arms wrapped around hers and a chin came to rest on her shoulder.
"You can't blame yourself for that." Her whisper was soothing, but Regina still felt like a rock was sitting heavy on her stomach.
"Well, I do." Regina let her head fall back, resting it on Emma's shoulder. "Don't you?"
Emma's embrace tightened around her wife's frame, her body flushed against her back. "No. Never." Emma peppered her neck with tiny kisses before settling her lips on a single spot where neck met shoulder, speaking against her skin, "No one could've taken a better care of her than you. No one could've been a better mother than you were for her. Cora is our daughter. We lost her. But it wasn't your fault."
Between hushed whispers, Emma could feel Regina alternating between relaxing and tightening her muscles, and she knew that it would take more than that to change Regina's heart. She didn't feel like she was good enough, it was engraved on her soul. And the moment they kissed for the first time, Emma knew it would be her duty to reassure Regina that she was enough, she was more than enough. For her, for Henry and for Cora.
"I wanted to have another baby. I wanted to raise a child with you, to give Henry a sibling, to expand our family." Regina looked out of the window and into their backyard, where an ancient swing hung from one of her tree's branches. Emma had built it with a spare tire when Henry was still at an age where he would play with it. "But after what happened… After what we went through," she tried to contain the dry heaves coursing through her body, choking back a sob, knowing Emma was feeling everything, "I can't- I won't get pregnant again. It's just… It's too much pain, Emma."
Rocking them both back and forth without ever letting go of Regina's waist, Emma started humming some long forgotten lullaby. Regina sunk in her touch, closing her eyes and letting hot tears roll down her cheeks. Emma never got to sing all the lullabies she learned. She never had anyone singing them to her and now she only had those soothing moments to sing them.
Regina slowly began to feel more relaxed than she had in a long time, sleep sinking in her bones and she thought she could fall asleep in Emma's arms right then and there, standing up in the middle of her study.
"Adoption." The word came out barely louder than a whisper, but it was enough to drag Regina out of her reverie.
"Wh-what?" Regina choked when trying to talk and for some unknown reason, her heart was hammering against her ribcage so wildly she thought it might break out loose.
"Yeah, you got Henry, you know the works." Emma loosened her grip on the woman's waist so she could turn around. Her eyes were wide and the fear leaked through, "And I know how orphan children feel, how they yearn for a family. We can be someone's family." Reaching out for Regina's face, Emma touched her cheek gently, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before tangling her fingers on the chestnut locks. She leaned in, foreheads touching and breaths mixing. "We have so much love to give to a baby. It's the kind of love we can't give to anyone except a baby. Our baby."
Our baby.
Hearing the words said with such hope felt like the first breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long.
The paperwork was endless and enough to fill a whole storage room and the interviews seemed to never end, and that put aside the fact they had to come up with more than one excuse for certain things if they didn't want to be deemed insane talking about magic and Neverland. But everything had been worth it as soon as they had laid eyes on Sean.
They were halfway through their umpteenth meeting with the headmaster, talking about daycare and preschool, when a social worker assisting them asked if they'd like to meet their son. Emma started to almost visibly shake, her hands gripping the Regina's so hard her knuckles flashed white. Regina took a steadying breath and nodded, not daring to speak, unsure of how her voice would come out.
Both women had a ridiculously wide grin on their faces, their worries being washed away by the prospect of meeting their little boy. "We're going to meet our son," Emma whispered, feeling like she had to say it aloud in order for it to be true.
"Yes, dear." Regina whispered back, without tearing her eyes from the door, "Yes, we are."
Excusing himself, the headmaster went outside to find more forms they had to fill and sign. It didn't took long before the social worker opened the door, making room for a tiny little kid to slip by.
"Emma, Regina, this is Sean." she nudged him slightly, encouraging him to go on and approach both women, "Sean, go on, say hi."
His hands were hanging by his side, clutching his cargo shorts, and he took a few steps before scanning their faces. He had curly hair falling on his forehead that matched his deep brown eyes, and he couldn't be taller than thirty three inches. His steps were a little wobbly, most likely due nervousness, but he put them one in front of the other until reaching a comfortable distance from the two women.
Emma had all but kneeled on the ground and Regina had bent down to get to his eye level, both women amazed by his curious eyes. He chewed on his thin bottom lip, maybe wondering why those two ladies were smiling so wide.
"Hello, Sean." Regina was the first to find her voice, and it was almost melting in delight. Reaching out for his hand slowly, she wondered if he'd be scared of a stranger wanting to hold him. But as he gripped her thumb and walked closer to them, a heartbreaking thought crossed her mind - he must have met strangers in this situation countless times.
Darting his eyes from woman to woman, he replied in a shy voice, "Hi."
At this point, Emma had sat on her ankles, and looked at him all too hopeful. "Hey, little man." Her voice came out in a rather high pitch, her own body being unable to contain the joy.
Sean focused his gaze on her wide smile and warm gaze and reached out for her, grabbing her cheek with his free hand and digging his tiny nails in her flesh before letting a toothy smile break out.
Regina blinked away happy tears that threatened to fall, and kept caressing his hand while talking, "We've been wanting to meet you for so long."
Letting go of Regina's thumb and Emma's cheek, he dug into his pocket and took three grapes out of it. He was fiercely gripping them – Regina supposed someone had taught him not to let his food drop – and gently shoved one of the grapes on Emma's hand, who said her thanks in a choked voice. Regina's voice wasn't steady either when Sean put a grape on her hand; closing her fingers around it and she had to thank him as well.
Then he sat on the floor, dropping himself on his bottom rather than actually sitting down properly, and grabbed his grape with his two tiny hands and started biting on it. Most of it ended up on his cheeks and chin, but the way his face contorted in joy for the sweet and grimaced when he dug his teeth on a sour part was worth all the mess.
"Gina?" Sean asked in a mumbling voice, his mouth full of grape. It was only logical he had been told about them, but they never really introduced themselves.
"Yes, I'm Regina, dear." Regina said with a smile, getting a handkerchief from her purse and wiping at his face.
Emma popped her grape on her mouth, taking a sit near him on the ground, "And I'm Emma."
He looked at her while grabbing the handkerchief and mostly spreading grape all over his face. After blinking away some moisture he had dragged near his eyes, he patted the floor in front of him and looked at Regina, who took a hint and sat on her heels.
"Sean!" He squealed and threw his hands in the air, letting his tiny body fall towards the women. Regina put a hand on his chest to give him some balance, and Emma had reached out for him too, but decided to go for tickles instead of holding his torso.
"And are you ticklish, Sean?"
His answer was a loud squeal before he started to giggle with abandon. Sean squirmed under Emma's fingers and scooted over to Regina until his back was against her thigh, grabbing her hand that held him in place.
Letting go of him at that first day was harder than both women had anticipated. After that first moment where he couldn't quite figure out who those two ladies were, they started talking to the warmest two year old they had ever known. He was just a toddler and the roughness of the foster system hadn't rubbed off on his yet, and for that, Emma was glad. She couldn't bear the thought of those melting eyes getting hurt and having to build a wall around them like she did from a too young age.
Sean was adorable and rather chatty, even though both women had a little trouble understanding him at first. When they got the hang of his dialect, and followed his grabby hands and pointing fingers, they could talk, learn about him in the best way they could ask for, and get to know their son who had a heart wrenching pout when they said good bye and whispered promises that they'd be back soon.
Regina glanced at the back seat of her car and back at Emma, "I hope he likes his car seat."
Smiling at her, Emma looked back at the toddler car seat securely strapped on in the middle of the back seat. The fabric was royal blue with detail in white, picked by Regina and Henry while Emma tried to argue with the man pretending to help them at the store as to why a bed was better than a crib. Emma hadn't noticed the car seat before going through check out, she had been otherwise busy in a heated discussion featuring sayings like "My son is two years old, not two months" and "I'm not putting him in a cage!".
"I'm sure he will." Turning her eyes back to the road ahead of her, she tried to ignore that irritating grip around her heart that seemed to be pumping worries into her bloodstream. "Do you think he'll like us?"
Regina snapped her head to Emma and blinked twice, taken aback by her question, before training her eyes back on the road. Emma herself seemed to be surprised by her question, given her eyes had become almost comically wide. The brunette would've been lying if she said the thought hadn't crossed her mind once or twice. She knew Henry loved her, but she also remembered the nights she cried herself to sleep because the child she raised with such love and care announced to whomever wanted to hear that he hated her.
What if their youngest son grew to hate them too?
Shaking her head, she decided Emma didn't need her to share her doubts right now. "We're going to love him and care for him with everything we've got. I know he'll have a better chance of being happy with us than in the foster system."
Emma fought the overwhelming feeling she always got when she thought about what a happy childhood would've been like. She just looked at her wife and smiled, loosely intertwining their fingers and nodding before blinking her eyes dry again.
The drive to Boston's Angels was weirdly familiar at this point. They had been to the adoption agency more times than they cared to count in the last six months, bringing in documents, doing interviews and meeting their future son.
The headmaster had called them to let them know all forms had been filled out, signed and approved a couple of weeks later. Almost as soon as they put down the phone, they kissed Henry goodbye, and drove to Boston's Angels.
Regina had Emma's fingers intertwined with hers, using it as safety blanket so her anxieties wouldn't leak through her almost shaking body. On the other hand, Emma was almost skipping through the hallway to the headmaster's officer, dragging Regina along her as if she was the two year old.
"Can we see Sean?", Regina blurted out before even shaking hands and saying her customary hello to the headmaster.
He smiled, pleased to see eager mothers to be like this instead of that expression of boredom that thought kids as nothing more than a food ticket he so often came across. "I already asked for him. He's just finishing packing, he'll be here any moment."
Both women sat down, trying to focus on the man's instructions as he directed them to yet another stack of papers they had to sign.
Just as they were finishing signing everything, the door opened and light footsteps wobbled fast across the room as Sean came closer to them, almost hitting the table before Regina put a hand out to protect him.
Getting on his tiptoes, he wanted to see what was happening above his sight and started to whine as Regina turned to him and held out her hands as he held up his arms, gladly accepting her help.
"Why don't you come up here?" she put him on her lap, strapping an arm around him as he scooted closer to the table.
"Ma!" Sean squealed as he saw Emma coming near him with grabby hands, as if to tickle him, but she just playfully tapped her fingers on his thighs.
The social worker who had brought him stepped beside them, dropping a bag by the table. It was probably all of his belongings, between clothes and toys. Regina wondered if he would even have any toys of his own, and she felt a sudden wave of gratitude wash past her as she remembered Emma had brought some toys.
Most of all, her relief was that they were taking Sean from there.
Cleaning his throat to sober up the two women, the headmaster resumed talking, "You signed all the legal paperwork and in six months' time you both should return here so we can check up on Sean and you may complete the adoption process." His voice was deep and boring, and Sean just started playing with Regina's sleeve, given that conversation was of zero interest to him. "Now, in these six months, a social worker will go to your house ever so often. Both to see if our little guy is being taken good care of and to know if you still want to keep him. I just want you to know that, if you want to return him at any moment, you can."
Emma jumped to the edge of her seat, frowning upon that statement, and Regina tightened her grip around Sean, bringing him closer to her.
"Return him?" Regina found her voice first, as Emma's jaw had dropped and her fist clenched, "What do you think he is? A good you're selling, or a service you offer? He is a child. Do you really think we'd go through all that endless process to take him out for a trial?" Hearing her distressed voice made Sean turn to see what was going on, and Emma's hand found his. "He's our son. We're not giving him back to the system."
"Yeah, pal, you should know better than saying shit like that." Emma blurted out without thinking.
Before she could go on, Regina looked at her sternly and hissed "Language, Emma".
"Oh, right. Sorry, kid." She squeezed his fingers and turned to the headmaster again, "We're great moms. We're gonna be great for Sean and I know you're gonna check up on us and everything, but we're gonna do everything right. He's not coming back to live here. Ever."
The young boy raised his eyebrows, and asked in a shy, surprised voice, "Ever?"
Both women looked down at him, and Regina kissed his head as she assured him, "Ever."
